looking back inadvertently

Qin Ying's condition took a turn for the worse in the next month. The malignant tumor was at an advanced stage, and the cancer cells had already spread. There was no effective treatment, and everyone in the family knew it.

That day, Liang He had a premonition, and he got the news of his grandma's death that night.He was gone the night before, and Liang Zheng was afraid of affecting his class, so he only told him during the day.

The heart is calmer than imagined.It could also be that the trigger switch in him is malfunctioning.

On Sundays when he didn't have to go to school, he followed Liang Zheng to the cemetery, accompanied by his cousin Yuan Jing, which was a real farewell to Qin Ying.

In the windy late autumn, Liang He was wrapped in a heavy fur coat, looking absentmindedly at the long and gentle stairs, at this heavy and cold place for him.

When grandpa just passed away, he also came here once, but Qin Ying didn't want him to suffer the atmosphere of the cemetery, so he didn't come here again after that.This time when Liang Zheng asked him if he wanted to take a look, it was only in a questioning tone.

Of course Liang He would not refuse.Even if Qin Ying doesn't want him to come, it's still his choice.He picked a bouquet of flowers for Qin Ying and put them in front of the monument.

When Qin Ying was still there, Yuan Jing also went to the hospital several times, but basically missed the time to visit with Liang He.Liang He's impression of his cousin was still at the reunion during the Chinese New Year more than half a year ago.

After paying homage to Qin Ying, Liang Zheng walked up the stone steps, trying to leave some space for the two juniors to talk.He knew that there were many things that Liang He would not say to himself, but he could communicate with Yuan Jing.

"Where's Chenchen?" Liang He finally looked away from the tombstone and looked at his cousin.

"My mother is watching," Yuan Jing looked at him and sighed, "Are you okay?"

Liang He said dumbly: "I don't know..."

He grew up beside his grandparents, who are equivalent to his reborn parents, and are the most important people who connect him with the world.Grandparents left one after another, and he felt that his connection with the outside world was broken, and he fell into a void, and even the experience of grief was floating in the void.

He has done enough psychological construction and accepted this unchangeable ending, but apart from the nostalgia for the deceased, what he feels is more confusion about life.

Is this young man who has lived so long that he will face life alone in the future is the self in his consciousness?Some of the original power of the "self" was gradually disappearing, which made him shaken.

"Have you ever doubted your own existence?"

Yuan Jing's sudden words made Liang He startled: "What?"

"One day," she put her hands together and rubbed them vigorously, "I found that everything I once had had disappeared. This kind of 'me' is very strange... I was thinking, is that still me?"

"When?"

Yuan Jing said calmly: "The time when Chenchen was born."

"How come?" Liang He was puzzled.

"You don't understand how happy and caring you must be when you first become a mother," she smiled sadly, "everyone thinks so, including my mother, who thinks that I should take everything calmly because I Received the most precious gift from God.

Actually no, I feel abandoned by the whole world, and as a child, I no longer have the right to act coquettishly and even complain, just because I am a mother, I want to be the pillar of another child. "

Liang He suddenly felt sad, both for her and for himself.I don't know if my cousin's divorce has something to do with the past two years.

"I haven't heard you say..."

"After all, I am an adult," she smiled again, "When I grow up, I am sometimes very desperate. I also miss my grandma. Only she said to me at that time, 'It's not easy to take care of children...' "

They both looked away from the tombstone at about the same time.

"Sister..." Liang He swallowed with difficulty, "What about now? Are you feeling better?"

"Maybe no better than you," she asked, tilting her head. "Am I a terrible grown-up?"

"Then don't be an adult." There are not so many rules.

"So, you are still young. If you can still feel uncomfortable, painful, or cry... it means that you still have the most natural perception," she said pointedly, "one day these feelings will be It's gone, others have praised you for being responsible, but it doesn't necessarily make you better than now."

Perhaps because of his young age, Liang He intentionally avoided those deep things, he only knew that the current self was weak and trapped.

Towards "one hundred years old", or the final destination, how many such moments will we encounter?

Every few days on Wednesday afternoon, in the first physical education class, the class had a throwing test.Wen Hao failed the test, so he begged Dong Mingpeng to take the test for him.Liang He and Shen Zhe watched from the sidelines, and they passed it smoothly, although their grades were mediocre.

After the exam, Wen Hao took Dong Mingpeng and told him to go to the canteen in the school to buy drinks.

"Do you want it?" He turned around and asked Liang He.

"no need."

I didn't see the two of them back later.The second half was free activities, Liang He didn't join in the fun with others, and didn't go back to the classroom immediately, he was stuck in the shadow of the corner of the playground, there was no one else beside him except Shen Zhe.

"Want to go back to work?" Shen Zhe asked him.

"I don't want to." But he was busy outside, and he didn't know what he wanted to do, so he didn't have much interest in talking.

Shen Zhe didn't say anything anymore, and the students who had been standing on the playground for exercise began to return to class one after another, and this class was coming to an end.The next section is a history lesson.

He turned his head to look at Liang He, it should be time to go back to work.

Liang He knew that he was hinting at himself, but turned around and walked towards the opposite direction to the teaching building.

"Liang He!" Shen Zhe followed, "Where are you going?"

"Why are you always following me..." Liang He said in an aggrieved tone, deliberately pretending to be unreasonable, "You are not my parent."

The footsteps behind stopped, Liang He thought that he was really unhappy, but at this moment he heard a few chuckles.

He turned around half annoyed, Shen Zhe quickly suppressed his smile after meeting his gaze: "Sorry."

"You go back." After he finished speaking, he started to walk in the same direction as before, but after walking not far, the road ahead disappeared, leaving only the low wall and iron fence on the outer edge of the playground.

There were two broken bars on the side of the fence wall, which could almost accommodate one person in and out.There are a few bricks stacked on the floor next to the wall, probably built there by students who skipped class to facilitate getting on and off.

"This is—" Shen Zhe never knew that there was an "exit" on the side of the playground.

In fact, Liang He didn't accidentally discover this place. He had heard Hao and Zhao Zhuoyang say it a long time ago, and just wanted to see what kind of existence their so-called "Shortcut to play truant" was. It turned out that what they said was true.With their stature, they could easily pass through the "trail" and run out of the school.

Liang He watched the exit with great interest, and had no intention of turning back to the teaching building at all.

"You don't want to go out, do you?"

Liang He never skipped school, nor did he have rebellious thoughts.He never found it a fun or bragging experience.

However, as Yuan Jing said, after his grandma passed away, he doubted the existence of himself.

For example, what level of "self" is this person who suddenly longs for the outside of the railing?Relatively speaking, the past code of conduct is not so real, as if being forcibly injected into the brain by an external force, leaving a mark.

I am extremely eager to break free from the barriers of reality and break into a new field far away from the crowd and the track of daily life.

Originally he was a bit reluctant to let go, but after Shen Zhe broke through his vague thoughts, he made a quick decision instead.

"You go back," Liang He said again to the people behind, "it's okay to tell the teacher."

"How can you say that?" Shen Zhe's voice was rarely tinged with anger, "Do you think what I'm thinking is whether I should tell the teacher?"

Liang He fainted.Last time he begged for mercy in front of Luo Mingyu.

"I just want to say—" Liang He took a long breath, climbed up to the railing with his hands, and pressed his feet hard, "Thank you, don't worry."

"Wait a minute!" Half of his body passed through the gap in the railing, and he suddenly heard Shen Zhe yell.

"Isn't it just skipping class?" Shen Zhe raised his face, "I'm with you!"