looking back inadvertently

Liang Hyuk adapted to the American academic life, but was often surrounded by a sense of emptiness, and liked to lie aimlessly on the grass or stroll by the side of the road.

Emptiness is more painful than sadness or anger.When you are sad, the sense of self is deep; when you are empty, the soul wanders out, and the body seems to be another person, whoever.The doubts he once had about his own existence returned to him again.

He brought the notebooks issued by the previous sports meeting to the United States.I had never opened it in the past, and only after I opened it did I find that there was a line written on the title page [Congratulations to Liang He from the second year (5) class for his excellent results in the No.30 Ninth School Sports Meeting].There is a certain gap between the class and name and other words, it must be a template written in advance, and the name is temporarily filled in.

The flowers on the cover looked very gaudy, and Liang He didn't feel the nerve to use them in class, so he wanted to use them to write something in his diary.But he didn't have the habit of expressing and recording his feelings on paper, and every time he picked up a pen, he was so embarrassed that he couldn't write a word, so he had to give up.It's wasteful to leave it alone, and he occasionally writes down some lyrics in his notebook.In the past two months, he has begun to listen to foreign rock music, and he likes Guns N' N' Roses and David Bowie the most.

Yao Jie looked at this notebook and said that the songs he listened to were very individual, and she herself was also quite individual.Liang He felt that she was exaggerating.She said she only likes soothing ballads and doesn't like songs that are too emotional.

Yao Jie's ex-boyfriend still seems to be trying to get in touch with her, affecting her current life.She doesn't want to go back to the past and is always emotionally troubled.Liang He once witnessed her crying after drinking and shouting on the road late at night.

I don't like emotional songs, but my behavior is often out of control. This is the opposite of Liang Hyuk.Liang He never showed any overt behavior, even when he was most desperate last year.To a large extent, listening to cathartic songs is precisely to stimulate your nerves, so as not to completely paralyze them.

Later, Yao Jie had enough trouble, she didn't mention that boy anymore, but said to Liang He one afternoon: "I won't think of him when I wake up in the middle of the night."

"Oh."

"I was thinking of you."

There was no fluctuation in Liang He's heart: "Really?"

"Are you interested in a relationship?" she continued.

Liang He thought of the love game with Ye Minjuan, so he could naturally understand her subtext.

"Sorry," he turned his head and smiled faintly, "I didn't think of you when I woke up at night."

Yao Jie was stunned for a moment, then laughed wildly: "You really believe it!"

Believe it or not, it doesn't make a difference, if Liang Hyuk's feelings aren't real, then her feelings won't be real either.

After a while, she regained her composure, and she couldn't see any shock: "I knew it was like this."

They were still the same as before, and they did not leave any unhappiness until they graduated from high school and were about to enter different universities. Yao Jie asked him: "Will you still contact me?"

Liang He didn't know either.The former classmates also gradually lost contact, and he seems to have a resigned attitude towards maintaining interpersonal relationships.

"Forget it," Yao Jie said loudly, "You can do whatever you want!"

That was the last time they met at school, and Liang He bid farewell to the last passer-by from his middle school days.

In fact, he called Shen Zhe during this time.This year, the domestic college entrance examination was moved forward to June, and the senior year there was very busy. Liang He's call to the dormitory was only answered once.

Not long after that, SARS ravaged the whole country, and the universities, middle schools and primary schools in City C were on vacation in April and May.The third year of senior high school has long ended, and it is in the free review stage, so the impact is relatively small.

Liang He remembered that Shen Zhe's mother was working in the hospital, so he called his home, and Shen Sihong answered.

"Looking for Shen Zhe, he went to grandma's house, and he's been there all this time," said the person on the other end of the phone, "Do I need to tell you his grandma's phone number?"

"It's okay," Liang He said, "I just want to ask, are you... are you okay with Auntie?"

Shen Sihong told him that there are currently no confirmed cases in City C, only a few suspected cases, so the hospital is on standby and working overtime every day, but there are no health problems for the time being, and the family is fine.

"You have a really good relationship with Shen Zhe," Shen Sihong finally said, "I will tell him."

"Well, thank you uncle."

After the separation at the airport, Liang He felt that there was an additional layer of subtle barriers between Shen Zhe and Shen Zhe, and he always felt uneasy every time he planned to talk to the other party.

The invisible barrier was like an impenetrable net covering his heart. He wanted to know what he would find when it was uncovered, but he resisted instinctively.Reality ceases to be real if it exceeds one's ability to bear it.

Wen Hao registered for QQ after the college entrance examination, and by the way helped Liang He apply for one, and occasionally chatted on it.Through these fragmentary exchanges, Liang He learned about the current situation of many people in the class.For example, Cao Lei was admitted to a prestigious school in Beijing, Zhou Xin went to Shanghai, and they were the two with the best results in the college entrance examination in the class; Wen Hao went to a local junior college by himself; Yan Yue retired, and a wave of students made appointments Visited him... What Liang He didn't expect the most was that Wen Hao was dating Cao Lei.

【Do you know how we got together? ] During a QQ chat, Wen Hao asked Liang He.

【? 】

【You left, Lao Luo arranged for me to sit at the same table with her.In the beginning we often chatted about you... We got together after the college entrance examination. 】

【You treat her well. 】

【of course. 】Wen Hao then complained that he would have a long-distance relationship in the future.

It can be regarded as the fate that he indirectly contributed to, Liang He was happy for the two of them.

However, Wen Hao only mentioned Cao Lei and this relationship once, and after that, he didn't go on QQ for a while.Liang He gradually stopped using it.

Shen Zhe's grades in the college entrance examination were mediocre, but he had no problem going to a normal university in the province.He didn't have much obsession with going to other places, and after discussing with his family, he agreed that this was the most suitable plan.

In the first and second grades of Normal University, I studied at the new campus in a suburban county, far away from home.A few years ago, this place was still a barren place. When he entered the school, the surrounding area had developed into a lively university town.

There are few male students in normal universities, especially in the Chinese department, so it is easy to become a favorite.A year later, most of the same-sex students around Shen Zhe left the singles.Boys like Shen Zhe, who are soft and refreshing from appearance to personality, are of course more popular, but he ignores girls' overt and secret overtures.

There are endless social activities similar to "blind dates" in schools.In his sophomore year, he accompanied the "boss" in the dormitory to participate in this kind of party. The other party was an English major, and there were two younger sisters in the same company.The boss married that girl, and one of the girl's little sisters had a secret crush on Shen Zhe.

Shen Zhe is good at observing people, it's not that he doesn't understand other people's hints, he didn't respond just because he didn't want to.Later, because the little sister always went to and from the Chinese Department, she got together with a boy in the dormitory next door to them.Thinking about it is a wonderful fate.

Love is supposed to be full of pink, but what it evokes in Shen Zhe's consciousness is always the dark sky in autumn and winter, the cold wind pours down his collar, and he runs on the same bleak road...I always think of such a scene and The imagery seems to be related to the cold.

He lost love not in winter, but in that bleak season, he saw off a friend.The scene changed to a bustling airport hall and suddenly approaching faces.He seemed to have suddenly fallen into a deep cave, and felt weightless for a moment, unable to grasp anything.

Later, the boss and his girlfriend broke up. The man about 1.8 meters tall was leaning on the railing of the balcony of the dormitory, weeping uncontrollably, and his words were intermittent.

At that time, no one else in the dormitory was there, and Shen Zhe was afraid that he would act aggressively, so he stayed by the side.Those seemingly meaningless self-talks were not connected into a series until later.

He said that he really loved her because he felt the pain.

But Shen Zhe didn't feel empathy.His first love was ignorant, and he was only sad for a short time after the breakup. The scars were very shallow, and even painless.

If love is a beautiful emotion, why is it painful, why self-torture?He would not say such things in front of a frustrated person.Rational thinking may not be of any help at all to understand feelings.

Shen Zhe didn't feel that he had experienced pain.The only thing that puzzled him was the intermittent sense of weightlessness, which had accompanied him almost throughout his college years.

Nothing to find, nothing to say.