looking back inadvertently

Before going to bed, Shen Zhe picked up a book lying alone on the bedside table, which was "My Spiritual Homeland" that was lent to Liang He at school.He remembered that he misunderstood Liang He's orientation because of a small dispute.

He turned to the article again: "People who do not have such tendencies may become involved in homosexual activities in their youth, and then in adulthood, they will change and hate it." (*)

Unexpectedly, the person who cares about these contents now becomes himself.He is an adult, if it is impulsive and misunderstanding, it should be terminated.

In her sophomore year, Shen Zhe watched a movie directed by Ang Lee - "Brokeback Mountain".It was a tragedy, a story about two men.Although he didn't cry while watching the movie, his mood was extremely depressed for more than half a month after watching the movie.

Of course, it’s just a fictional story. Even if it feels real, the time, space, and cultural background of him and the protagonist are different, so there is nothing to substitute.

What would happen if it happened to me?I'm afraid no one will take it seriously, including himself.

People in the dormitory like to talk about their love affairs and girls they like, and they also asked about Shen Zhe.Shen Zhe once said "Maybe I like men", in exchange for a series of "haha" laughter from the two roommates present, one of them answered, "Boys can play together", and the other Tucao "My family thinks that I always hang out with you..."

See, I didn't understand what he said at all.At the dinner party before graduation, Shen Zhe was forced to say a "truth", and everyone agreed that the object was a girl.

However, Shen Zhe himself is also very skeptical. There is still a possibility of making mistakes in the feelings of the opposite sex. How can the same sex regard such vague things as real?

At that time, Liang He's face—inadvertently approaching and then pulling away—was it also because of the same confusion as himself?

Seeing this person again, Shen Zhe found that getting rid of that unreliable illusion was more difficult than imagined.He is eager to abandon ambiguity, maintain the same pure friendship with the other party as in the past, and simply approach a person.

However, an ambiguous signal was unintentionally released, perhaps subconsciously expecting to resonate.But after that?He wasn't sure if he could discuss this with Liang He - he couldn't tell what kind of relationship he wanted to achieve.

Liang He said that the house here is quite good, so Shen Zhe called the landlord the next day.The landlord told him there was another vacant room above the one he lived in, as well as in another building.

"Which room does your friend want?"

"Then I'll ask him."

Liang He chose the room above Shen Zhe, the same apartment type, with one bedroom and one living room.The houses owned by the landlord are all for renting out, and the decoration style and furnishings are exactly the same: light-colored wooden floors, wooden-edged fabric sofas, log-colored TV cabinets, beds and wardrobes...simple , refreshing.

Liang Hyuk moved on a Saturday in mid-September.

The new apartment was bigger than the studio he had lived in before.He had few things in the first place, which made him look even more empty and pitifully deserted.

The next morning, they went to the largest home city in C city together.Probably it is rare for two young men to visit the home furnishing city together, Liang He always felt a little uncomfortable being followed by the eyes of several shop assistants.Shen Zhe didn't seem to notice, or didn't care at all, wandering upstairs and downstairs, discussing various decorations with him from time to time.

Liang He took a fancy to a shelf, which was smaller than the one in Shen Zhe's house, but it was difficult to transport it back without a car. The clerk said he would deliver it for him in the afternoon.

The mall was doing an event, and Shen Zhe, who had no shopping plans, also bought a sky blue five-piece bed set. Before leaving, the two bought the same large wooden lacquer bowl together. Shen Zhe said that eating noodle soup was more suitable.

After going back that morning, they ate lunch at Liang He's new home, instead of cooking it themselves, they ordered a portion of boiled live fish from outside to match the grilled cake Liang He had bought the night before.Thinly sliced ​​grilled cakes are poured on a plate, mixed with vinegar and minced garlic, and ready to eat. The refreshing taste neutralizes the spiciness of the fish.

There was the sound of recycling old appliances downstairs, Liang He got up and closed the window.In a daze, he felt like he and Shen Zhe were family members, and even had a more special relationship, which was illusory and unimaginable, but when he returned to the table and touched the smooth surface with his hands, it was real.

It has been nearly a month since the start of school. Although Shen Zhe is a teacher major and has sufficient theoretical and psychological preparations for future work, he still encounters many challenges after actually stepping into the workplace.

Elementary school students are simple-minded, they put everything on the bright side, and they are correspondingly more emotional. There are even children who cry and refuse to enter the school as soon as they start school.There was a girl named Chen Siqi in his class who was like this. In order to appease her emotions, Shen Zhe spent a lot of thought. After more than a week, he finally saw the little girl no longer crying when she walked into the classroom.

However, Yuan Haochen, who was more worried before, did not show much resistance to going to school, and Shen Zhe found that he was more natural among his peers than facing adults, and he was not completely boring, but he was not so active in answering questions in class.Later, when he was having dinner with Liang He, he talked about it.

"It's not easy for my sister." Even if he knew that Chenchen's personality was related to the family environment, Liang He didn't think it was Yuan Jing's responsibility, "She couldn't take care of so much."

"I know."

"Really..." Liang He looked at the indifferent Shen Zhe, hesitant to speak.

"Do you think I blame the parents?"

Liang He blushed slightly, he really didn't want his sister to be pressured by the school teacher.It's just that this teacher is Shen Zhe, and Shen Zhe's position often follows common sense.

"How should I put it?" Shen Zhe continued without waiting for Liang He's answer, "Although the educational theories I learned at school all emphasize the role of the family, I think...the adult's life is completely tied to the next generation. It's also pretty sad."

Yuan Jing's cry in front of Qin Ying's tomb many years ago came to Liang He's mind. He was ignorant at that time, but now hearing Shen Zhe's words, he seems to understand her original mood better.

But thinking of himself, it was difficult for Liang He to figure out whether he had any resentment towards Liang Zheng and Xu Limei.This is a paradox. People always have selfishness, and it is easy to empathize with others on the premise of not touching their own interests. Therefore, he can think for Yuan Jing, but he may not be willing to think from the perspective of his parents.

Liang He thought of many past events, those entanglements that were always difficult to smooth out.

He called Xu Limei several times abroad, each time at his father's suggestion.Liang Zheng said that Xu Limei was his mother after all.

He also understands the implication, even if she has no concern for him, she is still his mother.

In fact, he felt that this kind of hypocritical interpersonal communication was not difficult. Xu Limei didn't take it seriously, and he didn't take it seriously either.Although defining kinship by "entertainment" is sad in itself.

When the mother and son met after returning to China, Xu Limei invited him to dinner in a hotel outside and asked him about work in a symbolic manner.

"Do you think I'm quite incompetent as a mother?" Xu Limei knew Liang He's thoughts clearly, but she didn't care. "I don't think I am a good mother. Being a mother requires selfless dedication? There is no reason for that." .”

Liang He was speechless and held his breath.

At the age of nearly 50, Xu Limei still has undiminished charm. There are not many traces of time on the outside. She is a magical woman, but she is not a good mother. She has never devoted herself to this. cover up.

As for his other immediate family member, Liang Zheng, who is still in the United States, he is also not a competent parent.

"I have my life, and you have yours," Xu Limei said with a smile, "I dare to tell you my true thoughts when you are so old."

The dinner party between the mother and son did not break up unhappily, but in Liang He's heart, it was impossible to say that they were not completely disappointed.

"But I can guarantee that I will never interfere with the life you want to live." These were the last words Xu Limei said to him that day.

What kind of life does he want?

"Liang He," Shen Zhe called him, "Don't think about the past."

Liang He came back to his senses and temporarily freed himself from the negative emotions that grabbed him.

"Do you know what I'm thinking?" He asked reluctantly.

"Maybe it's not a happy thing." Shen Zhe finished eating first, stood up and prepared to wash the dishes, "I can accompany you in the future."

"What did you say?" He was stunned at the person who turned his back.

"It's nothing, sometimes I feel...you are also afraid of loneliness," Shen Zhe's tone was flat, without any special emotional color, "If you want to find someone to be a companion——I'm right downstairs ?"

That's what he meant.

Liang He moved his lips, but did not make a sound: "I'm not lonely..."

But that's enough.

The author says:

*Wang Xiaobo's "About Homosexuality"