i love you after all

2004. 1, 1

Today is New Year's Day, and my mother secretly slipped me two dollars, saying that she had saved it secretly without telling my father, and bought me a New Year's Day gift.This is my happiest day, the first time I got so much money.

I took two dollars and went to the stationery store in front of the school to buy this notebook.I'm happy to be able to write a diary in the future.

2004. 1, 5

I ran out of rice at home today.When my father came back, he found that there was no food on the table, scolded my mother, and then scolded me, saying that we came to collect debts from him.After cursing, he went out again, I guess it was to drink.

My mother cried for a long time, and then borrowed a spoonful of rice from the neighbor and made me a bowl of white rice.Mom only took one bite.

When I grow up, I want to make a lot of money.

It would be even better if the money earned was enough to buy a bag of rice.

2004. 1, 25

I've been very busy studying recently.It's better to be busy.

2004. 1, 31

When the results of the final exam came out, my classmates envied me for my high score, but I was not so happy.What do you do when you are not studying?It seemed like there was nothing more to do.

2004. 2, 20

It snowed a lot today, I am very happy and want to go out to play.But my father was in the living room, and my mother said that my father was drunk again, so I dared not leave the bedroom.

I lay down in the crack of the door and looked out. Dad was paralyzed on the floor next to the sofa. The back of the sofa was moldy, and the last layer of skin on the cushion of the sofa was worn out. You could see the springs coming out of it.Dad's face was flushed, and he was holding a transparent bag of wine in one hand and two iron nails in the other. He sipped the wine in the bag and then sucked the iron nails.

My mother said, our family has no money, and my father borrowed one yuan to buy the cheapest bagged liquor. He couldn't afford the food, so he picked up two iron nails, drank and licked.

After a while, Dad's expression suddenly turned ferocious. He suddenly got up from the ground, yelled, and rushed to my mother's and me's bedroom while swearing.Mom was busy going to lock the door, but it was too late. Dad was so strong that he pushed the door open.His mother tremblingly asked him what he wanted to do, and his father yelled that the family was so poor that they had nothing to eat. His friend said that now some people specially ask little girls to make a certain kind of film and give them money.I didn't catch it clearly, but I probably heard the words "mao film", "cao xia" and "young girl".

My father pointed to me and said that the waste that has been raised for so many years cannot be passed on to the next generation, so it should make some money for the family.

Mom became agitated in a rare way, and she scolded Dad loudly for not being a thing.Dad was so angry that he picked up a cup of boiling water and poured it on Mom's chest, and Mom screamed.Dad came to pull me again, I cried, my mother hurriedly stepped forward to hit his hand, he slapped my mother hard, and cursed.Mom fell down, knocked her head on the sharp corner of the table, and didn't open her eyes.

I looked at the blood under my mother's head, and cried and begged my father to find a doctor to save her. My father seemed to be stunned. After a while, he called, and after a while, there were some people in white clothes. Someone came and carried my mother away.

I followed them all the way to the hospital, but my father didn't come.I sat alone on a chair in the hallway, it was cold, and I came out too quickly without a coat.

Also very hungry.Stomach growls.Later, a tall uncle in a white coat saw me and asked me what my name was. I said my name was Dan Jin, and I still wrote it in my hand.Later, when he passed by me again, he gave me a steamed bun.

I am very happy that today is my seventh birthday.It's great to not have to go hungry on my birthday.

2004. 3, 15

Mom finally woke up, but she didn't seem to recognize me, she kept laughing and crying, or crying and laughing.

I asked the doctor what happened to my uncle and mother, and my uncle just sighed and said, poor child.He asked me again, where is your father?I said I don't know.

The sister nurse next to me said, don't be afraid, we are not bad people, tell my sister.

I said, I'm not afraid, I really don't know.

2004. 3, 17

My father never came, and the hospital seemed unwilling to keep my mother.I knew we had no money, so we couldn't live forever. I was a little bit reluctant, the food in the hospital was really delicious, all the dishes were fried with oil.Although my mother and I couldn't afford it, the kind doctor uncle and nurse sister would give me two chopsticks. I once ate a piece of braised pork, which was really the best thing I had ever eaten.

The doctor uncle sent me and my mother out the door.He asked if I could take Mom home alone.

I said yes.

He said, what a crime.

2004. 3, 20

Zhang Xiaotong at the same table ate an orange-flavored candy. She didn't like the orange flavor, so she spit the candy on the ground.I hid aside, and when she left, I picked it up and rinsed it with water.I took the candy home to my mother, and my mother threw it on the ground again.I picked it up again, washed it, and ate it myself.

2004. 3, 21

Aunt Huang brought peanuts to our house, but my mother dropped her plate and kept laughing.Aunt Huang stood on the balcony and yelled at her mother, calling her a white-eyed wolf, and many neighbors came to watch.When my father found out, he felt ashamed, so he beat my mother and me.

2004. 3, 22

Mom trampled to death three chickens raised by Uncle Shi next door. Uncle Shi told Dad that when Dad came home, he burned Mom's arm with a cigarette butt.Later, he saw me and burned one on my arm too.

I have always been very good, I didn't throw the plate, and I didn't step on the chick. I don't know why my father beat me.

2004. 3, 24

My mother suddenly burned all the books at home, including "Ci Hai" left by my grandfather, "A Dream of Red Mansions" and "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms". These are her favorite books, but she burned them all at once, and me Those old copybooks I wrote.I couldn't hold her back, she kept shouting, what book to read!What book to read!There is a fart use, a useless is a scholar!

2004. 3, 25

They all said that mom was crazy and was beaten crazy by dad.

I cried and said that my mother was not crazy, she just had an illness, as long as she obediently took the medicine as the doctor said, the illness would be cured.My mother laughed and came forward. I wanted to hug her, but she slapped me hard and told me to roll.

2004. 4, 1

Grandpa came to see me today and brought me a bag of twist.He stayed at home all day, watching his drunk dad and crazy mom, smoking and not talking.I looked at him through the smoke, and felt that he was like a fairy flying through the clouds.

In the evening, he found his father and said, Hong'er is already like this, and I won't blame you anymore, but the child can't live with you like this, she can't even eat enough.She is too young to live like this.

Dad said, then go raise it.

Grandpa sighed and asked me to pack my things, so I went to pack my things.Then grandpa took me out, let me sit on the back seat of his tricycle, stuffed a lollipop in my hand, and said, Dandan, grandpa doesn’t have much money, but grandpa will do his best to take good care of you .

I kept laughing, from ear to ear, and the lollipop couldn't get between my teeth.

Grandpa took me to a roadside stall, ordered a deep-fried dough stick and a bowl of soy milk for me, and asked the boss to put a lot of sugar in the soy milk.I picked up the four-sectioned fried dough sticks, dipped them in hot soybean milk, and stuffed them into my mouth.The freshly fried fritters are crispy and fragrant, filled with hot soy milk, and when the teeth "click" down, the sweet soy milk bursts out, filling the entire mouth.When I swallowed the soy milk and fried dough sticks, fireworks were happily setting off in my mind.

I told my grandpa that I would set up a stall in the future to sell soy milk and fried dough sticks.

Grandpa asked with a smile, will you give it to grandpa?I said, give.Grandpa asked again, can I give it to my mother?I said, give.Grandpa asked again, will you give it to Dad?I thought for a while and said, give it too.Grandpa said, what a kind child.

2004. 4, 3

Grandpa sent me to school today, I was very happy, and I showed off with Zhang Xiaotong for a long time.But Zhang Xiaotong said, what's there to be happy about?Our parents all come to pick us up on electric bikes, your parents don’t care about you, your broken tricycle is old and rotten, what are you talking about?

After returning home, I told my grandfather what Zhang Xiaotong had said.Grandpa sighed and said: How about, when picking you up in the future, park the three rounds behind the corner of your school, so that you won't lose face.

I said, good.

In the evening, I felt that it was not good to say "yes", so I apologized to my grandpa, who smiled and said it was all right.

2004. 4, 30

In the morning, my grandfather took me to the recycling station on a tricycle, and sold the beverage bottles he collected this month for ten yuan.Grandpa said that he spent at most [-] yuan a month collecting garbage and selling waste products, but he took the [-] yuan to take me to KFC and bought me a hamburger and a glass of Coke.

The two of us found an empty table, and grandpa let me eat.I spent an hour eating that hamburger, and my grandpa asked me why I couldn't swallow it. I said I was reluctant and wanted to chew more, and then my grandpa's eyes turned red.

Later, the hamburgers were finished, and the Coke was packed and brought home.

2004. 5, 3

After drinking carefully for three days, I still ran out of Coke.It seems that what my mother said is right, no matter how carefully you hold things in your hands, there will always be a day when you can't keep them.

Grandpa said he would take me to eat again, but I said it was too expensive, so I would just go once a year.Grandpa praised me for being sensible and said that next year I will definitely bring Danan to eat again.

2004. 5, 9

Something big happened today.

When school was over, I went to look for my grandpa at the corner of the street as before. When my grandpa was reversing the tricycle, he didn't pay attention. The side of the tricycle scratched the car parked next to him.

I didn't know what brand that car was, but grandpa's face turned completely white after a brush, as white as a lifeless wall, and I immediately understood that it must be a very expensive car.Grandpa didn't dare to leave, and pulled me to stand there waiting for the owner of the car. He was sweating a lot, his hands were shaking all the time, his face was white at first, then blue, then black, and finally white again. How many thousands?How much is it?

I still can't count how many zeros should be followed by "[-]", but it must be much more than my grandfather's one hundred yuan a month.

Later, it was dark, and the owner of the car still didn't come.Grandpa tore off a corner of the newspaper, wrote a string of numbers crookedly with a pencil, and stuck it on the scratched car door.After returning home, grandpa didn't eat a bite of food, and kept holding the phone tightly, waiting for the owner of the car to call.

When I peeked at him, he was crying, his eyes were full of fear, he was shaking, or twitching.I went to shake his hand, he was still shaking, and then tears dripped onto my hand.

Before going to bed at night, I called my grandfather to sleep, but he was still sitting there, motionless, like a stretched bow.I had the illusion that if the phone really rang, it would snap Grandpa off in an instant.

2004. 5, 10

When I went out to go to school today, my grandfather was still sitting by the window and didn't sleep all night.After school in the afternoon, grandpa was still sitting by the window, not moving.

I found a ball of paper on the ground and opened it to see that there were a lot of numbers on it, crooked, doing some simple addition and subtraction.I know it was written by my grandfather, and I know what these numbers represent. They seem to be choking my neck, making me breathless.

I think grandpa must have been pinched even tighter.

2004. 5, 11

Grandpa is dead.

When I woke up, I didn't see him, and when I walked into the yard, I heard Granny Zhang next door said that my grandfather jumped into the river last night.The body was picked up and placed by the river, and he called his family all the time, but no one came to collect it.

I passed by, and Uncle Sun gave me a note, saying that it was pressed by a stone on the bank of the river where my grandfather jumped into. It should be a suicide note.I opened it to read, and there were a few words I couldn’t understand, so Uncle Sun read it to me:

"I broke someone's car. I'm sorry. I'm not human. I can't afford to pay that much. If he comes to my door, please help me and beg him not to put the debt on my grandson."

After the police arrived, it took a long time to find out who this "he" was.They called the owner of the car. The owner of the car had a bewildered expression. After understanding the cause, the owner of the car suddenly realized that there seemed to be such a thing.He waved his hand and said, he didn't take the old man's scratches seriously, the car was insured, and the insurance company had to rank ahead of the old man when it came to compensation.

So those onlookers began to say, the old man is so stupid, scaring himself, isn't this a waste of life?He also left behind a little grandson who was not raised, what a crime.

I don't blame grandpa, even if I'm sad, I want to lie beside grandpa.

I really don't blame him, I know why he was so scared to jump into the river.I also know that people who have never really lived in poverty will not understand.

2004. 5, 13

I don't know how they dealt with my grandpa. Maybe I was too young. At first, I followed my grandpa wherever he was moved, but then they stopped letting me follow him.

Later, I was sent back to my parents.

When I got home, my mother was squatting in the corner, putting things into the brazier to burn, laughing while burning.I recognized a small red book she threw in, it was her and her father's marriage certificate, but I didn't dare to stop her, I just stood beside her and watched her burn, crying while reading.

When my father came back at night, he was still drunk. When he saw me, he was so angry that he beat me again.He said, you trash, come to suck my blood again.

2004. 6, 1

On the way back from school, I picked up a blade.

Then I took it home.There is no one at home, Dad should still be drinking outside, and Mom doesn't know which house to go crazy again.I was lying on my little bed, and my mind was full of what Li Yang had said.

During that physical education class, Li Yang stood on the cement pipe and bragged to his classmates, saying that his aunt had cut her wrist and died, and the hospital did not save her all day and night.Just like that, with a knife on the wrist, the person is gone.

I don't want to die, I'm really afraid of death, but I don't want to live even more, it's too difficult to live.

I cut myself in the left wrist and lay down with my eyes closed.It hurt a lot at first, then gradually it didn't hurt, and after that, I fell asleep.

It seems that I saw my grandpa.

Grandpa held my hand all the time, and said with a smile, take me to KFC next year.I was crying right across from him, and I said I didn't want to eat KFC anymore, but my grandpa smiled and didn't answer, his eyes turned red when he smiled, the same expression he had when I was reluctant to eat the hamburger that day.

I thought I was going to die just like that.

But then I woke up again.

When I woke up, it was already dark outside, and the house was still quiet. My father hadn't come back, nor had my mother.I looked at my left wrist, where the blood was congealed.

I cried aloud at once, and cried for a long time, and I felt so pitiful.I envy them so much.They were rescued when they died, and I died and came back to life, but no one came to see me.

Later, I didn't know what to do, so I held my blood-stained wrist, ran to find my father, and told him that I had cut my wrist.I think, no matter how much he doesn't like me, he probably doesn't want me to die.Maybe, like other people's fathers, he will start to pity me, start to care about me, feel sorry for me, and then take me to see a doctor and bandage the wound.

But after hearing this, Dad kicked me hard in the stomach.

His eyebrows and eyes stood upside down, his face was ferocious, and he spat and said:

You should fucking cut deeper!

——This is my world.Thorns are everywhere, there are many traps, I don’t know why I laugh when I laugh, and I don’t know why I cry when I cry.For decades, I have planed and eaten it, overturned mountains and rivers, and dug thousands of feet.Sometimes I'm happy about it, but more often than not, I'd rather never have been there.

The author has something to say: ["This is my world. There are thorns everywhere, and there are many traps. I don’t know why I laugh when I laugh, and I don’t know why I cry when I cry. For decades, I have been eating it, overturning mountains and rivers, digging thousands of feet, and finally I found what I was looking for. Sometimes I would be happy for it, but more often than not, I would rather never have been here." from Murong Xuecun "Forgive Me for Turning the World Upside Down"]

In the brackets is the original text. In the main text, Danjin deleted a sentence excerpted. You can compare which sentence was deleted. After you find it, you will know how sad it is for Danjin to delete that sentence.

Ps Pay attention to the date, the day Xiao Danjin was picked up by his grandfather was April Fool's Day, and the day he committed suicide was Children's Day