Goldberg Variations

Pei Wen's body froze.

It finally came.

These days, he has been hiding in Tibet, even set up a new mobile phone number, rented a new house, and does not follow the normal time for commuting to and from get off work, just to avoid this woman.

But unfortunately, he is a public figure, Pei Xiuzhen can not only find out his work unit, but also his performance itinerary, as long as he stays patiently, he can always be blocked.

If it wasn't because Pei Xiuzhen was busy with work and couldn't stay here all the time, Pei Wen would have met her long ago.

Just like it is now.

In the first few seconds, Pei Wen felt his heart was frozen, but slowly, he recovered and realized that Pei Xiuzhen could do nothing to him.

She can no longer hurt him like she did back then.

Pei Wen summoned up his courage, walked towards Pei Xiuzhen, and stopped a foot in front of the woman.

The mother and son faced each other far away at the entrance of the theater where people came and went.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Pei Xiuzhen asked.

Hearing this, Pei Wen was even a little funny for a while.

She may not be able to understand in this life what kind of harm she has caused her son, because she is self-centered and arbitrary, and never treats Pei Wen as an independent individual.

"It's nothing." Pei Wen said, "What do you want from me?"

Pei Xiuzhen frowned, feeling that his son, who had been living alone outside for the past few years, seemed a little different from before.

"This is not a place to talk," Pei Xiuzhen looked at the crowd around him, "Let's find a place to talk."

"No," Pei Wen refused, "it's right here, you finish quickly, I'm going back to rest."

A closed and quiet environment would prolong their conversation infinitely, and Pei Wen didn't want to have a long chat with Pei Xiuzhen.

Pei Xiuzhen seemed very dissatisfied with her son's attitude, but she didn't pay too much attention to these details. She cut to the chase and said, "Okay, then I'll just say that."

"I came to see you, hoping that you could go home."

"I recently saw news about you on the Internet. I heard that someone in your unit bullied you—it's known all over the city." Pei Xiuzhen frowned, "I don't think your job is good, so you should go home Go to work at the company, at least no one will bully you."

Pei Xiuzhen has a small company in his hands.

In a familiar tone, without any room for negotiation, he directly ordered him to do something with an attitude of notification.

Pei Xiuzhen has always been like this.

Pei Wen shook his head and took a step back: "I don't agree."

He was so exhausted with this woman, no matter how much he tried to communicate with her, it was like facing a wall.So he didn't want to say that much anymore.

"Why don't you agree?" Pei Xiuzhen said, "Your current job is tiring and hard, the salary is not high, and you are being bullied."

"Working in a home company, isn't it much better than this?"

"Besides, mom is getting old now, and it's a bit difficult for one person to manage the company. Shouldn't you help mom?"

"That's your company, not mine." Pei Wen said.

"What are you talking about?" Pei Xiuzhen said displeased, "You were raised by me, you are my son, won't this company still have to give it to you in the future?"

"I don't want it." Pei Wen replied without hesitation.

Pei Xiuzhen paused, her eyes fixed on Pei Wen quietly.

She didn't speak, but there was a silent sense of oppression.

They are mother and son, they look alike, Pei Wen's exquisite facial features completely follow the mother's.

But compared to his mother's strength and capability, Pei Wen appeared gentle and refined.

In such a silent confrontation, Pei Wen lost, and his emotions suddenly became uncontrollable.

"...Can you not force me?" He held back tears, his hands trembling, "I don't want to go back, I don't want to work in that company, can you not force me?"

"What do you mean forcing you, forcing you?" Pei Xiuzhen raised her voice, "Aren't I doing it for your own good?"

"What's the future of acting in a drama? I've learned it all. Your business is in a downturn. Even the top actors in the industry won't have much income if they don't act in movies and TV shows!"

Pei Wen shook his head, his voice choked up: "...But I like it."

Pei Xiuzhen said: "If you like it, you can treat it as a hobby, and your mother didn't stop you from acting."

"You see, you've been outside by yourself these past few years, have I ever taken care of you?"

Pei Wen took another step back, tears streaming down his face.

He no longer knew what to say.

Pei Xiuzhen thought for a while, then suddenly said: "Are you still remembering your mother's hatred, and blamed her back then..."

"Don't say it!" Pei Wen yelled, covering his ears.

Pei Xiuzhen was taken aback.

Pei Wen said almost pleadingly: "I don't want to talk about the past...I don't blame you, okay? It's all my fault, it's my own problem."

"Don't come to me again..."

Seeing the only son so sad, Pei Xiuzhen sighed and wanted to hold Pei Wen's hand.

But Pei Wen avoided him.

Pei Xiuzhen was even more unhappy, and said with a sullen face: "Didn't Mom apologize to you? I didn't mean it. I know you are sad. In the past few years, I have let you play outside by yourself and never cared about you. It's all It's been a few years, haven't you forgiven your mother?"

"Forgive?" Pei Wen repeated the word.

The conversation between the mother and son caught the attention of passers-by, and they cast their gazes over one after another, and some recognized Pei Wen as Kan on the stage just now.

All eyes fell on Pei Wen, like Ling Chi.

He is afraid of other people's eyes, wishing to hide himself, not to let anyone see, and he doesn't want to see anyone.

Pei Wen covered his face and lowered his head, tears flowed from between his fingers, and tremblingly said, "I won't forgive you..."

Pei Xiuzhen showed a surprised and hurt expression.

"never……"

Pei Wen turned around and ran away.

He didn't dare to go back to the hotel under Pei Xiuzhen's nose, fearing that she would find out where he lived, so he found a random direction and ran away.

He ran fast, got into the street, and quickly disappeared into the night.

Pei Wen hid in an alley, and when he was sure that Pei Xiuzhen hadn't caught up, he breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the wall.

His body trembled uncontrollably, chilled,

He knelt on the ground, but saw a passer-by looking at him with strange looking eyes.

Pei Wen suddenly got up and fled in a panic, as if his whole body had been scraped by a knife.

He returned to the crowded street.

This is a new first-tier metropolis. Even after ten o'clock in the evening, it is still brightly lit. The whole city is very lively. The streets are full of cars and people.

People who worked overtime until ten o'clock and didn't get home walked wearily on the street.

The big shopping malls haven't closed yet.

Neon lights illuminate the dark night sky. This world is bustling and noisy, but Pei Wen feels that he is out of this world.

Everything around him seemed so unreal, as if false and illusory, pedestrians were like puppets, and he shuttled among a large group of puppets.

He had to try his best to avoid pedestrians and keep a distance from them, maintaining such a strange state all the way, Pei Wen returned to the hotel.

As he stood in the elevator, he watched his reflection on the reflective wall.

Thin, pale, like a skeleton.

Pei Wen took a step back and leaned against the wall, his heart was seized by panic for no reason.

When he reached the floor, the elevator door opened, Pei Wen rushed out like crazy, and he opened the door tremblingly.

Go in, close the door, insert the key card, and all the darkness is expelled.

Pei Wen remembered Rothko's lines in "Red".

In Rothko's eyes, black represents death, and in Kan's eyes, white is death.

When the lights are not turned on, the room is filled with black, and when the lights are turned on, it is filled with white.

It seemed that there was no way he could escape death.

Pei Wen knelt down, clutching his throbbing heart, and the rose gold bracelet on his wrist was warmed by his body temperature.

Pei Wen held the bracelet and began to cry.

He hated himself, hated the self who kept crying, hated the self who could never get out of the quagmire of despair, hated the weak self who dared not confront his mother, hated the self who was wallowing in the pain of the past.

... Gu Kai must also hate him.

Thinking of Gu Kai, Pei Wen had difficulty breathing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, he started to apologize again and again, repeating his life every day and night.

No rehearsals or performances tomorrow, and he doesn't need sleeping pills to help him fall asleep tonight.

Thinking of what happened on the stage that night, Pei Wen blamed himself again: Mr. Xu and Mr. Xu must be angry. He actually made such a low-level mistake on the stage.

How could he forget the words?

Amidst the strong guilt, self-blame and self-disgust, Pei Wen got up tremblingly to look for the bottle of medicine.

The bottle of poison he once prepared for himself.

It only takes 10g to kill, and he bought 50g, which is enough to kill five times.

But Pei Wen couldn't find it.

Then he remembered that after dating Gu Kai, he threw away the bottle of medicine.

He wants to work hard to heal himself and live a good life with Gu Kai, he doesn't want to wait for death any longer.

Didn't find it... Pei Wen sat on the ground in pain.

Even wanting to die is so difficult.

Pei Wen felt tired.

He lost all his strength, hugged his knees, and sat on the ground.

Time passed by, Pei Wen remained motionless like a statue.

He sat all night.

It wasn't until dawn that Pei Wen moved his eyes.

He looked out the window at the morning light, the sun was starting to come out.

A new day has begun.

And he's still alive.

Why is he still alive?

He shouldn't be alive.

Pei Wen moved his stiff body and got up with the help of the sofa.

The medicine is gone, but he still has a knife.

This is not his home, but the hotel does not have fruit knives, let alone kitchen knives, but he has a razor.

Like Rothko, cut his arteries with a razor and die.

I'm just sorry for this hotel... There are four people in the room, they must feel unlucky.

But it doesn't matter...

Thinking that the pain was about to end soon, Pei Wen's mood lightened up rarely. Thinking that he would die like Rothko, he even felt a strange sense of joy.

Pei Wen went to the bathroom and took out the razor, took off the blade, and cut off the blood vessels on his wrist.

The razor was too small, and Pei Wen only cut a very shallow cut when he slashed it down. It just cut through the skin, exposing the fat underneath.

Blood gushed out quickly.

When the blade cut through the skin, there was a sharp pain on his wrist, but it was not strong, at least it was much milder than the pain on his heart.

Pei Wen cut the second knife, the third knife...

His tears welled up, blurring his vision, and he couldn't even see the wound on his wrist clearly. He could only see the bright red spreading continuously, soon staining his wrist and palm.

He thought of Kan.

Thinking of Kan's hands full of red oil paint, recalling the tragic death of his parents when he was seven years old.

For a moment, Pei Wen couldn't even tell who he was, was it Rothko, Kan, or Pei Wen?

His right hand holding the blade began to tremble, and the trembling became more severe, and the blood was so slippery that he could hardly hold the blade.

The massive blood loss made Pei Wen's eyes darken.

He was a little anemic.

At this time, the survival instinct of animals suddenly came into play.

At the moment before death, he began to long for life again.

Pei Wen stumbled to the living room, picked up the phone, and found a number from the blacklist.

That was Gu Kai's number.

In order to avoid contacting Gu Kai himself, he blocked all contact information of the other party.

Pei Wen dialed that number.

The phone beeped a few times, and a mechanical female voice came out: "Sorry, the number you dialed has been turned off, thenumberyou..."

Pei Wen cut off the phone.

He looked at the gradually brightening sky outside the window and saw the rising sun rising from the east, like a baby out of its mother's womb, bright and round.

"sunrise……"

Pei Wen murmured the word.

He began to dial Gu Kai's number for the second, third, and fourth times.

He didn't know what he was doing either.

He just wanted to hear that man's voice again.

He misses Gu Kai so much...

I miss Gu Kai's gentle smile, the scent of cedar, his magnetic voice, warm palms and hugs...

But Gu Kai's phone was finally turned off, no matter if Pei Wen called once, twice or three times.

Gu Kai won't want him anymore.

Pei Wen thought numbly.

The phone fell aside, and Pei Wen fell on the carpet.

His wrist was still bleeding, and the blood stained the phone, the carpet, and his clothes.

He passed out.

ended his miserable life.

The author has something to say: Please cherish life.

Also, this kind of wrist cutting is generally not fatal, so don't try it.