Who says I'm not good at work?

Sui Haihai sent a total of two messages to Shi Can, with no time interval.

【You have to treat Qin Zexi better, and even better, treat him as the most important person in the world.

But you can’t get too used to him, when he’s on the edge, you have to beat him and wake him up...] The first text message was very long, and the content was all about Qin Zexi, like what she would say to Shi Can .

What made Shican feel uneasy was the second message, only two words: 【Goodbye.

】

Sui Haihai committed suicide.

Shi Can froze on the spot holding the phone, all he could hear was Qin Zexi's breathing.

When he came back to his senses, he had already left the house with his clothes.

Shi Can said to Qin Zexi: I will go find you now.

wait for me.

Qin Zexi is in the hospital.

To be precise, he was in Sui Haihai's ward.

The empty ward was lifeless, Qin Zexi sat in a corner with her knees hugged, staring blankly at the clean and tidy bedding.

Shi Can pushed open the door, took a deep breath and slowly came to Qin Zexi.

He bent down and put his knees on the ground, looking straight into Qin Zexi's eyes, "Are you okay?"

Qin Zexi looked at Shi Can, and seemed to be looking at something else through his body.

Sadness lingers in his breath, desperate to vent, "What can I do."

Shi Can leaned forward, pulled him into her arms, and hugged Qin Zexi tightly.

Shi Can didn't say anything, but Qin Zexi's tears flowed out of his eyes in an instant.

It seemed that he had been waiting for this moment.

Shi Can's arms were the bottom of his bed when he was a child, and he immediately let go of his guard.

After an unknown amount of time, Qin Zexi spoke slowly.

He said to Shi Can, and he also talked to himself.

"The princess asked me to take her home yesterday, talking about things from our childhood.

We played hide and seek in the hospital, we played tricks on other little kids.

When we arrived at her door, we walked around the community several times.

It was still when I was a child, some I forgot, some I still remember.

Before she came home, I complained about how she suddenly started remembering the past.

She said...you are going to fall in love, can't I recall that you used to be in secondary school? "

"Yesterday, she said 'goodbye' to me very solemnly.

I was taken aback for a moment, feeling a little... uncomfortable.

I asked her what she was going to do, and usually she just told me to leave, why was she so polite all of a sudden.

She smiled and said it was okay, and said she would watch my online class live broadcast this morning. "

"I specially chose an exercise that I mentioned to her today, and she gave me a reward when she saw it.

But not long after the live broadcast ended, I received a call... just now her parents kept talking about why they didn't find any signs.

Wouldn't all of this have happened if anyone had noticed. "

"I'm also thinking, she said yesterday 'just this time, not in the future', she also said 'I want to know what it feels like to jump off'... Are these implying something? Also, she said yesterday You are all with me, do you have some expectations in your heart, can I find something and stop her... Or is she covering up all the details carefully, lest I be vigilant."

Shi Can couldn't stop listening, couldn't bear to listen.

He gently covered Qin Zexi's mouth with his slender fingers, and then tightened his arms again.

Don't think about it, don't blame yourself.

Qin Zexi grabbed Shi Can's wrist and continued to mutter in a low voice.

"Why didn't I find out, I didn't find any signs."

"why."

Qin Zexi kept blaming himself, and even Shi Can couldn't help thinking about what happened yesterday.

"Do you think I'm pitiful?"

When he said this, Sui Haihai had just received the chocolate ice cream.

She took a bite, eyes full of enjoyment.

Shi Can was startled, and after sitting down next to her, he quickly denied, "No."

"It's okay if you think so, it's normal, everyone will think so.

Sometimes we think so ourselves. "

Sui Haihai subconsciously used the word "we", referring to her and Qin Zexi back then.

And Qin Zexi also said that we are afraid that people in the same industry will dislike us and feel that we are holding back.

Perhaps people who have experienced pain and suffering can recover physically, but there will always be something left behind.

Stay in the subconscious, stay deep in the soul.

Sui Haihai carefully tasted the nothing special chocolate ice cream, and then said to Shi Can, "But in fact, we especially appreciate the beauty of life.

A little good thing, we can miss it like a baby for a long time.

Qin Zexi has liked your things since a long time ago, you know that. "

Sui Haihai saw Shi Can nodded, and added with a smile: "I laughed at him at first, thinking that no one would like the models in the painting, it's the same as the plot of TV dramas.

Later, I believed it.

Because he said, looking at those paintings, he can forget that he is a sick person, and he can work hard to live.

What a wonderful existence you are to him..." Sui Haihai sighed and shared the popcorn with Shi Can, "He always said that he didn't want to know who you were, and there was no need to know.

But I think he is also a little scared, afraid that the precious beauty will disappear, so he chooses to fall into his own world and fantasize about you, and does nothing to change the status quo.

you are his lobster. "

Shi Can frowned, unable to understand the stalk.

But it didn't affect the words rippling in Shi Can's chest, arousing countless emotions.

Seeing that he didn't answer, Sui Haihai smiled and shook his head, saying nothing, "You haven't watched "Friends."

Her expression faded a little, and then a little, "Actually, I have been envious, even jealous of him for so long.

I... have nothing good to look forward to. "

Shi Can felt uncomfortable, but then he heard Sui Haihai say, "There's something I should tell you that I'm sorry."

"what's up."

"Last time when I sneaked out of the hospital, I knew you were at Qin Zexi's house, but I insisted on being a light bulb.

Sorry, don't mind, I just want to see him more. "

After speaking, Sui Haihai took another mouthful of ice cream.

It's delicious, sweet from the tip of the tongue to the heart.

"And today, I also want to stay with him all the time.

But it won't happen in the future, so you don't have to worry about me being your light bulb. "

The vast majority of suicides are not a whim, they are planned in advance.

Before entering the ward, Shi Can met a nurse who had taken care of Sui Haihai in the hallway. The other party mentioned that Sui Haihai's condition continued to deteriorate. In addition, he had diabetes and could only be treated conservatively, and he didn't even have the chance to wait for a heart transplant.

In other words, she was waiting to die.

Sooner or later, the outcome is the same.

"Do you know why I didn't find any signs?" Qin Zexi raised her head and looked at Shi Can, her tears couldn't stop, "Because I never thought she would give up.

When I was a child, I ran out of the hospital to commit suicide, but she found out when I came back, and she slapped me hard.

Neither my parents were willing to beat me, but she did.

Then she called me a jerk and called me a coward. "

"Growing up, there are always some of these children in the hospital who have suicidal thoughts.

I'm not the first, nor will I be the last.

But I... never thought it was her, how could it be her who beat me because I wanted to commit suicide?She has always been the most cheerful and optimistic one. If even she would give up, who can persist? "

Qin Zexi asked Shi Can over and over again.

Qin Zexi asked himself, over and over again.

When Shi Can sent Qin Zexi home, the conversation between the two has always revolved around Sui Haihai.

Obviously every word hurts like a thousand cuts, but Qin Zexi doesn't want to stop, he just wants to keep saying it, it hurts all the time.

Compared with silence, pain is also a kind of catharsis.

Shi Can understood this feeling, as if he had been logging into Weibo and torturing himself repeatedly.

What I want is the kind of pain that goes deep into the bone marrow.

The more pain, the more peace of mind you can get.

When leaving the hospital, Qin Zexi looked back, "I have never liked the smell of hospitals since I was a child, and I even hated it. It is too close to death here, as if surrounded by vicious things and cursed.

Every day in the hospital as a child was a torment for me.

Years in the hospital, I don't even feel like I'm alive.

Yesterday Sui Haihai said, 'For a moment I thought I was going to die, bang, bang, bang, all I could hear was my own heartbeat.

But, at that moment I felt alive'.

I've felt the same way, so I can relate to every word she says. "

Shi Can took advantage of the situation and asked, "Did you also go to the playground like her?"

"No, I made a bet with a classmate at school that I could run the same distance as him.

But in the end, I only made it half way and felt nothing when I fell to the ground.

I had trouble breathing and could only hear my own heartbeat.

She and I lived so humblely. "

Shi Can frowned, his heartache was beyond words, "When I first met you, you once asked me if I liked listening to your heartbeat*."

Qin Zexi looked away, no longer looking at the unbearable word "hospital", "Remember.

When I mentioned it last time, you made me a 'replenishment feast' and you said I made it up. "

"For me, 'heartbeat' also means 'alive'.

It's just that my understanding may be different from yours.

Not as deep as yours. "

Shi Can cleared his throat and explained to Qin Zexi, "When I'm with Lin Yang, I like to listen to his heartbeat.

It's hard to imagine that a person who is as depressed and restrained as him can have such a powerful heartbeat.

I love his heartbeat because that's the fire and passion I feel in him. "

Shi Can paused for a moment, then turned to look at Qin Zexi, "After Lin Yang died in a car accident, 'listening to the heartbeat' became a bad habit of mine."

In those few years, when he woke up in the middle of the night, Shi Can always looked at the person next to him in a daze.

Those people are very strange, and most of them will not have more intersections.

Shi Chan touched their chests and listened to their heartbeats.

It may be to find something, which is unreal and difficult to describe in words.

The reason why it is called a "bad habit" is because it is addictive and cannot be changed.

At some point, Shi Can connected the "heartbeat" with "alive", and he used this to make sure that the person he slept with was alive, and at the same time he was sure that he was still alive.

At that time, Shi Can would always think, what a disappointment, it's another day to be alive.

"It's my self-indulgence."

Qin Zexi smiled helplessly, and answered without saying a word, "It turns out that you don't like me, anyone else is fine."

"I like.

I only like yours. "

In normal times, Shi Can would not have said this, let alone express "like" in this way.

But at this moment, when Qin Zexi was vulnerable and helpless, Shi Can wanted to show all his emotions in front of him without leaving a single word, "Your heartbeat is full of vitality, it is angry and wanton, it is aggressive, it is unrestrained , it is full of never compromise.

It not only makes me feel 'alive', it also makes me feel joy and nostalgia for life, and makes me have a strong interest in life. "

"..."

"I wondered why it was so unique.

Until I know your past, what you've been through, your hopelessness.

It's all about you that makes it.

In my eyes, whether you were before or you are now, you live proudly and tenaciously. "

Shi Can said a lot, he couldn't bear the words "living humble" in Qin Zexi's mouth, he couldn't bear the pain of the man in front of him, "The beauty and romance you see in your eyes are a hundred times more than ordinary people, thousands of times."

Qin Zexi looked at Shi Can with tenderness in his eyes, and quietly neutralized a little sadness.

Even if the measuring cup is not enough, it still inspires a refreshing warmth, "You don't have to comfort me like this."

"No, these are my sincere words."

By Qin Zexi's side, Shi Can can always think calmly, how beautiful, I hope tomorrow will be the same day.

Sui Haihai's accident seemed to throw a depth bomb into Qin Zexi's emotional ocean.

For several days after the incident, Shi Can called Qin Zexi every few hours, and tried his best to stay with him when he was free.

Qin Zexi didn't show much abnormality, except for crying in the hospital, she always said "it's okay".

His performance is no different from that of ordinary adults, he hides pain and sorrow inside.

Then, Shi Chan knew the importance of Sui Haihai, so he was very worried about him.

Shi Can even imagined dozens of stress reactions, fearing that if he said something wrong without thinking carefully, it would arouse Qin Zexi's negative emotions.

With thousands of calculations, Shi Can never expected that Qin Zexi would say: "I have thought about it carefully, and I think what you said is right, we should forget it.

From now on, I will not bother you again. "