Wading in muddy water

The weather on Sunday was not bad, and the sun could be seen in the sky when we woke up in the morning, but the temperature in Maicheng still broke a new low, reaching three degrees for the first time since November.I bowed my head to winter and finally put on a sweater since the beginning of winter.

When I went downstairs, I saw two people sitting at the dining table, as if there was a border between Chuhe and Han, they were clearly sitting at the same table, each eating their own breakfast, as if they couldn't see each other's existence.In front of Chen Zhiyuan was bread, milk and fried eggs, and in front of my mother was a bowl of steaming small wontons.

My mother came back last night. Today is the [-]th birthday of the old man of the Liu family. She refused to give up the opportunity of letting me show my face in the Liu family.

She heard me coming downstairs, and the ceramic spoon that contained a small wonton was gracefully put back into the bowl, without even the sound of the porcelain clinking, it was obvious that it was the rich lady who grew up in the Liu family.And Chen Zhiyuan held the fried eggs with metal chopsticks, and the tip of the chopsticks rubbed against the bottom of the plate repeatedly, making toothache sounds.He also raised his head and snorted heavily after seeing my mother's attentive appearance.

"Xiao Li woke up? Come and eat something, change clothes and go with mother when you are full." My mother stared at me and said what she wanted to say to herself, as if I hadn't rejected her last night , she said with a complaining expression on her face, "You are the most ignorant, yesterday your elder brother and second brother both went back, your elder brother is so busy, so he specially asked for a day off to go back, you are a high school student and you still need your mother to come back to pick you up. you."

Chen Zhiyuan ate his bread absent-mindedly, and the morning news was still playing on his mobile phone. In fact, he didn't listen to what the morning news was saying at all. He listened to my mother's words, for fear of missing a word.My mother stretched out her hand to hold me, but I avoided her hand, sat opposite Chen Zhiyuan, turned around and shouted to the kitchen, "Auntie, I don't have much appetite, I don't need to fry my eggs."

My mother paused for a moment with her hands in the air, and the smile on her face froze as if the internet was stuck.

I didn't mean to embarrass her like this.

I know she is very difficult, Chen Zhiyuan and I don't like her in Lishui Garden, she is also the most annoying one in Liu's family, she is a good young lady of Liu's family and finally made her life like this, I feel sorry for her.But all of these are her own choices. She thinks that I know that I am a joke in the Liu family, but I still have the cheek to please the 70-year-old man. To be honest, I am not as thick-skinned as hers.

I often don't understand how my mother did all this calmly, knowing what the result would be if she took me to Liu's house, just like when I was ridiculed by Li Zhou in the clubhouse that day, she would also be ridiculed by everyone. Having been a mistress, she satirizes me as unworthy of being recognized by the Liu family.But she was still smiling, pretending that she didn't understand, and asked me to kneel in front of the old man and call him "Grandpa".

Whenever this happens, I feel that I don't understand her. She always says that she is a woman, she is a mother, and she has no other choice.I think she is talking nonsense, no one asks her to be a woman, no one asks her to be someone's mother, she can be a person, she can be Liufang.

Chen Zhiyuan obviously liked to see my mother so embarrassed, but he didn't dare to express it directly, so he could only ask me politely, "Dad is resting today, is there any place you want to go? Dad will take you out to play."

I took the bread that my aunt brought up, and I also disdain Chen Zhiyuan's face, I just gave him a look, "No, I have something to do."

This Sunday, I made an appointment with Song Yiwei for a morning.

I haven't been to Song Yiwei's place for nearly a month, and Song Yiwei reminded me to go there when I have time, and I should indeed go there this week.

My brother and I haven't seen each other for a week and a day.

I sat in my brother's car for the first time in 18 years on a Saturday a week ago, got in for 10 minutes max, got kicked out before my ass got hot.Well, I can admit I deserve it, but it's been a good week and he hasn't even given me a chance to apologize.I can only follow Mi Qiao's Weibo to see if she has received any resources in the past few days. I have been watching adultery for a week, and I have nothing but selfies.She started a live broadcast on Friday. I thought my brother helped her connect with some streaming anchor, so I clicked in and took a look. As a result, there were only dozens of people online in the live broadcast room, which was very gloomy.

Instead, I saw Ju Lulu filming an ad for laundry detergent, in which she played the role of an idiot daughter who soiled her clothes, and the mother was played by an old actor with a high degree of nationality.My brother really cares about her, and I'm a little jealous, thinking that Ju Lulu should have succeeded in becoming my brother's "lover".He ignored me this week, but found a commercial shoot for Ju Lulu.

Song Yiwei's studio is located in the most prosperous area of ​​Maicheng, and two streets away is Jiying Media, my brother's company.

I went into the studio wearing a mask and a hat. Song Yiwei was at the front desk by a very cute girl named Momo.Momo is very happy every time she sees me, and calls me "brother Xiaoli" in a rising tone. She is only two years older than me. I don't want to be her brother, so I have to knock on the table to correct her every time.

"Call me Chen Li."

Momo smiled and rolled her eyes. She has a southern accent, and she said softly, "How old are you? You are still a high school student. You should call me sister!"

I took off the hat on my head and pulled my hair casually. I went out casually today without any hairstyle.

"I am a customer as well as a patient," I emphasized to her.After saying this, Song Yiwei just came back from the outside, carrying steamed buns and soy milk in her hands, she seemed to have just gone out to buy breakfast, and when she saw me, she warmly came over and hugged me, "Honey, have you had breakfast yet?"

Song Yiwei came back from a foreign country, she is used to meeting and hugging, and all the patients who call her are dear.I'm used to it, so I nodded and pointed to the front desk, "I won't come when she calls me brother next time."

The two women laughed together, and I didn't quite understand what they were laughing at.Song Yiwei held Momo's hand, and changed the English in a low voice, "socute!" Momo nodded repeatedly, and answered a series of "yeah, yeah, yeah". Can't I understand this kind of English at the elementary school level?

It took Song Yiwei 10 minutes to quickly eat breakfast, and she had already adjusted to the working state when she entered the consultation room.

She is willing to spend money to open this studio. There are two consulting rooms in total, and the decoration of each room is very expensive at first glance.There are murals hanging on the wall, which are green. Although I can't understand what the paintings are about, the regular lines make people look very comfortable.There are two dark-colored sofas by the wall, each of which is soft enough for people to sink into and fall asleep. The light is also dark yellow. The sliding door is completely silent, and the switch can't make a sound.

Song Yiwei stood at the table with her sleeves rolled up and lit a scented candle. After lighting it, she asked me, "How does the newly bought incense smell?"

I sniffed and smelled a faint fragrance, "Flower fragrance?"

Song Yiwei laughed, sat on the sofa, and pointed to the flowers on the table behind me, "Honey, the fragrance of flowers is that."

I laughed, knowing that this was Song Yiwei's trick to make me relax.

I am familiar with the process of psychological counseling, and I don't even need Song Yiwei to guide me anymore.The surrounding environment is quiet and closed, the smell of flowers and incense has faintly emitted, the sofa is soft and safe, Song Yiwei's expression is sincere, and all secret thoughts can be accommodated here.

I raised my head, almost lying on the sofa, looking at the ceiling, "I am more and more concerned about who is around my brother."

"...I don't want him to fall in love, I don't want him to get married, I don't want him to leave me. I want to get his attention, I even want to make him look at me in extreme ways, that is... if something bad happens Even if this matter will make my brother angry, but I can let him take a look at me, I am glad."

This week is enough time for me to reflect on myself.

When I saw Mi Qiao in the clubhouse, did I really feel unlucky?Am I really afraid of offending Li Zhou?Did I really apologize to Mijo because I made her lose face.

I was lucky to meet Mi Qiao in the clubhouse, and I couldn't wait to send a message to my brother, whether he was angry or scolded me later or said I was not his brother, I was not desperate, I just wanted to get his attention.I apologize to Mi Qiao not because I let her lose face, but because I took advantage of her.

"It seems that I am not only here for atonement. He hates me, and he wants me to stay away from him. If I really just want to make atonement and please him, why don't I want to stay away from him?" I sat on the sofa Straight, look at Song Yiwei.

Song Yiwei looked at me quietly, as if waiting for me to say anything else.

I held the armrest of the sofa with my fingers and squeezed it tightly, "I'm very selfish. I say I want to please him, but in fact everything is for my own selfish desires."

"I'm selfish." I repeated again.

Song Yiwei handed me a glass of water, a warm glass.I thanked him, and my fluctuating mood was soothed a little by this temperature.

"Honey, thank you very much for saying this to me, I am very happy." Song Yiwei looked at me with a smile, she spoke very slowly, which made me calm down unconsciously, she paused for a few seconds, then continued, "Emotion is It's complicated, I said before that if your obsession with your brother is too strong and lasts too long, it is likely to be out of balance in the end."

When Song Yiwei said this, my brother's hands, waist, belt, and the edge of his underwear flashed in my mind.

I swallowed and gritted my teeth.

Song Yiwei stopped her words in time, maybe because she saw that I had something to say, she waited quietly, neither urging nor disturbing.

I felt my hands trembling slightly, and I couldn't hold the glass in my hand, so I put it on the table.There was a "click" sound between the bottom of the cup and the glass top, and I opened my chapped lips, "Sexual impulse... I mean, sexual impulse."

Having said these three words, I simply gave up on myself, "I have sexual impulses towards my brother, is this normal?"