Wading in muddy water

He approached me, and my ears seemed to have something wrong in an instant. I almost had tinnitus, but I could only hear my heart beating.

There was no one else in the living room except me and my brother, maybe because my brother was at home, Chen Zhiyuan didn't know where to hide and relax, my mother still didn't come home, and my aunt should have been sent away by my brother.In a living room with such a large area, since there is no other atmosphere, it seems that there is only this little distance between me and my brother.

I suddenly felt isolated and helpless, my heart beat faster and faster, as if I was nailed to the spot and couldn't move.If I were a sheep, I have a premonition that my brother is about to show his fangs to me and tear me apart.

"Brother..." I heard my voice tremble, and he could completely interpret my word as begging for mercy.

I'm sure it would be irrational to raise the white flag before the war started, because my brother has never been violent toward me.All my fears came from my half-assed psychiatrist, who guessed that my brother must be mildly violent, and I think she had a good point.Just like I guessed just now that he was using his hands or hooking up, I don't know how he will resolve himself, maybe he will hit me in the next second.

The coffee was boiling hot, and the bitter hot air hit my face, and the steam made his face soft.

There is also the smell of shower gel on his body, I can't tell what kind of fragrance it is, just like his person, it is fragrant and very aggressive.

"Auntie has finished the meal and left. Go and eat by yourself." He opened and closed his lips, and said this sentence, and I was sure I heard it right.

Then he turned around and went upstairs, leaving me alone in a daze, like a real idiot.

I may have stood there for 10 minutes, or maybe 10 minutes before my legs went numb before I came back to my senses.

Throwing away the schoolbag and going to the kitchen, I saw two dishes that were still hot.

My face was also hot, and I just realized now that I felt that my brother wanted to beat me up, and he must have seen it.Damn, it was obviously the reward link, but I ruined it myself.I was so annoyed that I didn't have the slightest appetite looking at the twice-cooked pork. I wondered what my brother was thinking now.

You must be angry. After all, he was at home once, and finally felt that he was in a good mood.

But it can’t be all my fault. I put my brother and I on the biological chain and my arrow is pointing at him. If he is so close to me, which sheep won’t bleat in fright?

Not in the mood to eat, I took out my phone and looked for the psychiatrist's phone number.

There is only an empty room between my room and my brother's room. I think it is safer to call in the living room, and he should not hear it.So I leaned on the sofa to find out the phone number, and called directly regardless of whether the other party was free or not.

It didn't take long for the call to be connected. My psychiatrist is an "expert" who came back from the UK. I don't know if it is a real expert. I didn't call to seek her help, but I was also full of anger. Looking for someone to vent to.If she hadn't always told me that my brother must have violent tendencies, I wouldn't have been scared like that just now.

"Hi, dear. How's it going? Has the pretended strength been broken again?" A teasing voice came from the other end of the phone.

I turned on the speakerphone, and I didn't bother to take out the earphones, and I didn't want to stick the phone to my ear, because there was no one in the living room anyway.Song Yiwei's words deserve a beating, and I'm impatient, and the soft sofa on my waist can't ease my tone, "My brother is back, and it looks like he doesn't plan to leave tonight, he's going to stay at home overnight."

Even Song Yiwei was surprised, with a surprised tone of "Oh?" After a while, he asked, "Does he have a girlfriend? Your brother is obviously not a person who can be emotionally affected by career and family, so the only thing left is love dear ...Oh, maybe a boyfriend?"

Song Yiwei, a psychiatrist, didn’t know how she got a license to work. She was so fucking indomitable on the road of making me irritated. I unconsciously glanced back at my brother’s door, although from this angle downstairs I could only see the most One side above, but the door can be seen tightly shut.I said confidently into the microphone, "Something happened a few days ago, and he really hates me."

I don't want to talk about specific things, just tell her this conclusion.

"Honey, you'd better tell me something. Your judgment with serious subjective emotions may not be correct." Song Yiwei's tone was a little serious.

I expressed my attitude with silence.

Song Yiwei immediately understood what I meant, and changed her words, "Well, based on my understanding of your brother is all based on your description, so let's trust your judgment. Then what is your request for calling me?"

I threw my phone on the back of the sofa and folded my arms in front of my chest quite agitatedly. If Song Yiwei was in front of me now, I would definitely kill her with my eyes. I said, "He just got too close to me, you three times Said twice that he was violent and I acted scared. I did something wrong, right?"

"I don't judge right from wrong, you know that," she said.

My irritability escalated again.

Chatting with a psychiatrist has many advantages. She can understand what you are saying. Even if people all over the world think you are crazy, the psychiatrist will accept you unconditionally; Clearly tell you that you should not ask such questions.I asked her right and wrong, just to let her say I did nothing wrong and I can be forgiven.

I took three deep breaths, my chest rose and fell, and I exhaled and exhaled. This level of deep breathing made me feel as if I could change all the breath in my lungs, and I was reborn myself.This is the method Song Yiwei taught me, which can calm me down quickly.It's really easy to use, but currently I only use this method when I get along with her.

I changed the question, "I don't know what to do, I want to get close to him, but I feel like he's going to tear me apart."

"Are you afraid of pain?" Song Yiwei asked me.

In the evening, my mother called me on WeChat and made a video call.

I was sitting in the restaurant eating cold twice-cooked pork. I pushed aside the green and red peppers, picked out the cold and hard meat slices, and put them in my mouth.Seeing the video, he frowned and turned into a voice call.

After connecting, the person on the other side let out a "hey" in a reproachful tone, "Little Li, why isn't it a video?"

"If you don't want to start the video, just talk about it." My tone was not very good.

"Grandpa is celebrating his birthday next week, and mom will send a car to pick you up after school on Friday." The tone was unquestionable.

The chopsticks pierced into a piece of meat, and the red meat and white meat of the pork belly were separated. I was too lazy to say more, and replied in a tone similar to her, "Don't call me about your family's affairs."

Only the whistling electric sound remained, and my mother was silent for a while. She might have turned on the amp, and a heavy cold hum came into my ears.I rolled my eyes, which was not obvious, and I don't know why she made it public, which can only be called "self-inflicted humiliation".After the cold snort ended, someone spoke. The voice should be one of my aunts. I couldn't tell the difference between their voices.

"Little Li, how old are you, and you are too ignorant."

I laughed too, and sneered, "How old are you, why don't you see that you are sensible."

After I said this, the call was hung up, and I pushed the phone aside casually, and continued to pick the slices of meat on the plate.Pick out the last few pieces of meat in two or three strokes, leaving a plate of colorful green peppers, red bright red, green dark green, two distinct colors, just like me and the Liu family.Grandpa should be 70 years old this year. My mother took me to the [-]th birthday party ten years ago.

I was eight years old at the time, and the Liu family was more like a rich man than the Chen family. The Liu family really had a housekeeper, and it was really a peacock raised by nobles. They looked at me with condescending eyes, and I thought I was the son of a servant.The housekeeper didn't call me Young Master, but called me by my first name: Chen Li.

And calling the others young masters and misses, my mother was full of embarrassment, holding my hand with great strength, I felt like my bones were about to be crushed, but I never made a sound or broke free.But I decided at that moment that I would never set foot in Liu's house again.

I'm too lazy to clean up the kitchen, so I'll leave it to my aunt to clean up tomorrow.

I fumbled for the phone and turned around to go back to the room, when I looked up and saw my brother's face.

He stood on the second floor again, not knowing how long he looked at me.

I suddenly remembered what Song Yiwei said, she said that my brother must have a girlfriend...or a boyfriend.I think it might be true that he's an anomaly.There was a "thump" in the heart, the living room was not turned on, and he couldn't see his eyes clearly, but somehow felt that he was in a good mood now.

Maybe it's just talking on the phone with... my lover, is it Ju Lulu, or some other woman or man I don't know or even I know.What will they say?Can my brother say "I love you"?I gradually realized that I was not in a good mood, as if something was about to rush out in my heart, and I was holding back sourly and stuffily.

I was bitten by a dog when I was a child, a black Tibetan mastiff.

The sharp teeth penetrated deeply into my calf, and I was so frightened that I trembled all over that I dared not move.I didn't even dare to cry, as if my neck was pinched by an invisible hand, I couldn't make a sound, so silent that no one noticed that I was bitten by it, and a lot of blood flowed out.But the Tibetan mastiff made a low gasp, full of anger, and would not let go of its bite.

I forgot whether it hurt or not, and how much it hurt.

I just remember my teeth chattering, my nails digging deep into the soil, and looking at the top of the Tibetan mastiff's head.It's all because I saw a yellow weed on its head, and I wanted to reach out to help it remove it. The first time it almost bit my hand, I reacted so quickly that I was surprised, and then I walked away. run.In the end, the calf was bitten, which was extremely funny.

Song Yiwei said that this incident had a great impact on me. It made me less sentimental, and it also made me lack the courage to escape in the face of danger.In other words, it’s not that I don’t dare to run away, but I’m afraid of the unknown behind the “running away” and whether it will cause more serious consequences. I would rather be “bitten” directly, and I force myself to be numb to the pain.

So I think I am not afraid of pain.

In fact, that experience should have had a little more impact on me, Song Yiwei didn't say it, maybe she didn't see it or she didn't point it out out of pity for me.

Even if it hurts, I won't say it.

"Brother, have you fallen in love?" I squeezed the phone tightly, the screen was wet and slippery with sweat, I asked him.

The author says:

The latest update time is unstable!It will be updated every day, if there is no update at ten o'clock, it will be posted before twelve o'clock, No.1 said, it is too difficult for you to write!