gentle collapse

"It's because I didn't think about it before... After I invested in the company of your classmate's father, the news will definitely leak out. The reason why I didn't tell you about the unemployment is because I have my own considerations. But I know you, Lin An , no one knows you better than me. You refused to tell me about the existence of the time traveler before, but now you refuse to stay away from him. The reason is definitely not as simple as what you said. You just spoke in an urgent voice with an abnormal tone, obviously hiding it What." My brother stood up, and his voice was so steady that the question turned into a statement, "Do you really like him?"

"I didn't choose to tell you at the time, because if you knew, you would try your best to persuade him away." I clasped my hands tightly, and my whole body collapsed, "My life is too trivial and mediocre. I The face is fuzzy and featureless, and you can’t find it if you throw it in the crowd. Going to school every day, leaving school, doing papers, and endorsing books, it will always be the same, without waves. The lives of people around me are so colorful. If this world If it is a book, I will always be the protagonist's deskmate, neighbor, friend, or a passerby that the protagonist meets inadvertently. Only he regards me as a target and puts the focus of life on me. on..."

"What about me? Every day when I buy vegetables, I have to bargain with others for a few cents. To put it bluntly, I am just a weak and unprincipled man who is about to turn 30. If no one centers on me, my Is life so sad and gloomy that you have to commit suicide? Lin An, from the moment you appeared in the womb of your mother, you are my protagonist. I will drag you to set off firecrackers and watch your first appendicitis operation I'm happier than you when I see you doing paperwork under the night light to take the high school exam. Your monthly exam grade rank has risen. I'm more happy than you. You want a SLR, and I plan to buy it for you. The one who always regards you as the center of the world is me , not anyone else. And if you really treat him as a friend, don't try to use him for any purpose, you are hurting him by doing so, don't do it again." He shook his head, his chest rising and falling, as if In his eyes, I am about to fall from a high altitude, and I am beyond redemption.

"I'm sorry." I kept doing wrong things, and kept apologizing, over and over again.

Sorry never changes anything, it's just a placebo, it falsely claims that the apologetic has made amends for what he did wrong, and thus expects forgiveness, when in fact it doesn't, it's an asshole It's all a little hard to tell.I looked at Lin Jing who was sitting beside me silently, and thought for the first time that his name was Lin Jing, not my brother.His identity should be multiple and should not be locked on me.

After he left this room, I sat alone, waiting.

Wu Fan was standing far outside the window when the twilight was falling. I walked over, opened the window, and watched him walking slowly.

"I love you." I said to Wu Fan who approached and smiled at me.

He looked at me in surprise, then turned his head away again, as if he was listening to the voice in his head.

"Is it useful? Has the system allowed you to go home?"

"But it's not true." He continued to smile, "The system said it was not true, so it's okay, I didn't have any hope. But you did this, which surprised me... Thank you. "

I said to him: "Then I can't help you. Wu Fan, don't come here to look for me in the future."

"My boss's son's company is just short of people, and he said let your brother try."

"I can't help you complete your task, and it doesn't make sense for you to spend so much time looking for me."

He persistently stepped forward, stretched out his hand, and wanted to hand me a business card: "Here is his phone number."

I didn't answer it, and I didn't plan to answer it: "Don't come in the future."

Wu Fan's voice came, unusually calm and indifferent: "You are no different from others at all."

"Wu Fan, if I have time, I'll come to you. Have a bowl of noodles in the small shop where you work, and chat with you. But, don't waste time on me, I'm sorry to say that to you, but I don't love you. I don't understand what can happen between men beyond friendship. This is not a category I can understand, nor is it a choice I can make. Maybe you and your system can negotiate another What about a goal? Maybe there are other solutions to things? I will help you if need be. Anything but love that can be achieved through hard work, I will help you." I wrote on a piece of paper Write down a string of numbers and pass it to Wu Fan.

He didn't answer, turned around clearly, and didn't say another word.

The cliff I faced was never someone else.I am not enthusiastic enough, not kind, and the focus of my attention has always been my own inner world.It was I who pushed myself to the breaking point of emotions time and time again.I don't reject darkness because that gives me a sense of being in this world.

However, this is wrong.

Because my self-awareness is too heavy, I think that many things are my responsibility.I got involved in everything about Chen Wei, Zhang Ran and He Yuchen, about Ke Ke and Xie Yu, about Zheng Yi and his backpack, but nothing worked.They should all have their own life trajectory and make their own choices and efforts.

You see, I didn't even do a lot of things that I should do well, so I was unwilling to be reduced to a small role, almost like a little girl living in a princess dream.

I really want my brother to beat me up.The only time he ever hit me in my memory was when I hid under a parked car and I wanted to win that little game so much that I ran half a street away and hid in the middle of a car Down below, none of the game participants found me.

When my brother found me, he carried me and beat him all the way.From then on, I never dared to hide under the car again.People don't grow up naturally, and setbacks can make us wake up faster.

That night, I didn't go to see my brother.

The next day, I lost him forever.

When I woke up to the sound, I found him pacing the living room.

I asked him, "Brother, what are you doing?"

He looked at me and called me: "Brother..."

"It's still early, can't you sleep?"

"Yeah, my head hurts a lot today, maybe I need to take a rest."

I watched him turn around, walk towards the bedroom, sit back on the bed, and lie down again.He put both hands under the quilt and buried his head very low.The door of the bedside table was still pressed against a corner of a plastic pocket, and one of the desk drawers was not fully pushed in.The photo of me and my brother moved from the upper left corner of the table to the middle edge, standing on a mess of papers.The alarm clock fell to the ground, smashing a corner.

"You call me brother." I stood by the bed and asked him, "Do you know how many years he hasn't called me brother?"