Mo Dongyang

A horse collapsed on the side of the official road, and a huge brown-black object stared weakly at its legs that could not straighten up, making the dirty snow look even dirtier.A few streaks of white gas weakly rise from the horse's nose, if there is nothing there, it disappears soon.The bony horse seemed to have used up its remaining energy after kicking a few times. Now, it didn't even have the strength to sweep the tail, and yellow-white liquid began to flow out from its jaws that couldn't close its mouth. , The warm liquid melted the snow on the ground drop by drop.

"This horse is dead."

I squatted on the ground and rubbed my sore waist through the heavy cotton-padded clothes. I didn't know why the clothes Qi Xinfei asked me to put on were so bulky and swollen. It was obviously just an ordinary cotton-padded jacket. Coupled with the bumps of the horse day and night, not only the horse couldn't bear such haste, and the fatigue with almost no intervals, even it could hardly support itself.

Fortunately, the horse stopped this morning, and I was able to take a little breath.

It’s hard to find something that horses can eat in winter. I don’t know if it’s so hungry that it accidentally ate some kind of poisonous wild vegetation. It’s a bad stomach, but it still can’t find food. It’s so weak that it can no longer support me. And Qi Xin's weight.In short, the two of us rested in the deserted snow for a long time, but the horse still couldn't stand up.Qi Xin even searched for the few withered grasses that he could find in the nearby wasteland. Although it was only a small pile neatly placed next to its mouth, it still didn't move at all, except for its wide-eyed eyes that could blink, muddy. His tears kept flowing, and fine icicles formed on the edge of the rough horsehair.

"It's all my fault for not being good at equestrianism. Otherwise, another horse in the stable would be useful, let alone make this horse exhausted like it is now."

I hugged my knees in frustration, looked up at Qi Xin who was still circling around the horse without giving up, and blamed myself.

Ever since the horse fell down, she has never stopped, anxiously, trying every means to bring the horse back to life.The bloated padded clothes hung on her thin body, comically like a child playing house in her parents' clothes.In the cold winter, the hot sweat has soaked the hair falling from her forehead, but she still refuses to take off the heavy cotton coat on her body.I sighed, stood up and ran over, grabbed her who was still going to find horse food, and wiped the cold sweat on her forehead with my cuff distressedly.

"Don't run away, it's hot and cold, you're going to catch a cold, the gain outweighs the loss!"

"Forget it, let's go to the county seat, it's not too far away, it's just a pain for you."

She looked helplessly at the dead horse lying in the snow, pouted in frustration.

I was amused by her resentment, and I couldn't help stretching out my hands to rub her face, making her pout more forward.

"How can it be bitter? I'm afraid of bumping on horseback for a few days. It's also good to go for a walk. As long as I have you by my side, I will gladly accept anything."

"I don't know if they will catch up."

Qi Xin raised her head and smiled, a little silly, a little Burmese, I happily thought she was in a better mood.But she looked back at the north worriedly and said to herself.

"No, let's hurry up."

"Ah."

"Let's go, give me your hand."

I picked up the few bags on the ground, stretched out my hand and said to her.

"I'll get the luggage."

She smiled and held back her mouth, reaching out to remove the package on my shoulder.

I grabbed her detoured hand, stuffed it into my warm pocket, and interlocked my fingers.

"Why is it frozen like ice, let me warm you up."

"I'm not cold."

"Don't be stubborn."

"I'm really not cold..."

As soon as she finished speaking, she sneezed herself.

"Still trying to be brave!"

"It's really not cold...!"

She blushed, and muttered in a low voice as if unwillingly.

I chuckled, and ignored her unconvincing argument. Instead, I stretched out my hand to fasten her open collar, then retracted it into my pocket, and went to hold her hand.

"Don't get sick, Qi Xin!"

"I know……"

"I didn't hear your determination..."

"Know it!"

"..."

The laughter of the two girls playing and playing became farther and farther away until they became indistinct and disappeared at the end of the barren fields to the south.

The horse watched the figures of its owners gradually change from lines to dots until they were no longer clear, and finally closed its eyes. After that, its warm body gradually became colder.

Snow began to fall again.

Although we were already far away from Sishui County, even when passing through several small towns in neighboring counties close to Sishui County, we took detours and did not dare to enter the city.This is still the sphere of influence of bandits, and there will always be some eyes and ears in the city.Li Er died because of us, they will not let us go.This time, no one will come to protect us.Wei Zheng, Ru Chun, Yan Qing, and Steward Li all became victims of this power exchange war.Those people who don't need to be involved in this struggle have to be involved in it because of us, just like Yanqing and Li Guanjia.

Since I left the palace, the people around me have left and come, familiar ones, unfamiliar ones, and in the end, after going through several twists and turns, they are gone, leaving me and her, just the two of us.

These days, deep sorrow, guilt, and condolences have filled their hearts. Neither of them wants to speak too much, and the atmosphere is heavy.The tragedy is always repeating itself, and she and I are always acting as bystanders. We watch, listen, and lament, but intentionally or unintentionally, we are not involved in it.

Like, when I heard the truth of the matter, I would just cry silently in my heart why the world is so dangerous, why life is so fragile, why survival is so difficult, that's all.And I prayed secretly in my heart that such a terrible tragedy would never happen to me and her.

They have helped us a lot, and we should be grateful, and we will remember their gratitude forever, but when they fall into misfortune, we cannot save them, and even when disaster is imminent, they have to sacrifice themselves to complete us.

In the end we survived and they were all gone.Apart from the endless guilt and the helplessness of being powerless, I just hope that they can be safe in another world.

In the end, people are still selfish. In troubled times, it is already difficult to protect oneself. As for other things, there is no time or ability to take care of them.

It's good to survive, as long as the most important person in your life is still around, other people, other things, are gone, and they will be like clouds and smoke.

Perhaps, this can be regarded as a kind of indifference, but it is more of another relief from the impermanence of the world, or another relief from the suffering of the world.When I was in the palace, I experienced too much. The people around me were born, aged, sick and died.If you care about everything and worry about it in your heart, you will do the same, falling with those who fell.

Although indifference is ruthless, it has its advantages.

It's just that Qi Xin won't understand, her experience is still too little, and I don't want her to understand.But I also don't want to watch her sink into deep self-blame and unable to extricate herself. She has just recovered from Zhang Lei's love debt. Zhang Lei and other people's debts came together and almost crushed her.

I can't let her change back to the previous her!

When we left the yard outside the woods at dawn that day, I noticed something different about her.Her demeanor and movements were very similar to that of her who had just left the palace, and she was in a kind of chaotic thoughts, sluggish and silent.

On the way, I asked her cautiously.

"where are they?"

She remained silent.I didn't give up and asked again until she finally opened her mouth.

"all gone."

"All gone? Where did you go?"

"Not anymore..."

"Not here...?!"

"It's all because of me, because of me..."

The moment she opened her mouth, her pupils became so big, but she seemed so lifeless. She didn't look at me anymore, but turned her head, walked forward with stiff steps, lowered her head and said to herself Soliloquy.

"If it wasn't for me, Wei Zheng wouldn't be trapped in the county government. If it wasn't for me, Ru Chun wouldn't be arrested. If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be burned to death. Wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me..."

I saw that on her hand holding the luggage, the veins were like protruding thin vines pulsating in her pale skin, which was extremely hideous.

"Qi Xin!"

I was terrified and wanted to grab her, trying to pull her out of the terrible memory immediately, but she shook off my hand and started to sprint forward without looking back.

"If it wasn't for me, Yanqing wouldn't have been hurt, if it wasn't for me..."

"Qi Xin!"

I threw down the rein in my hand, ran up to her in a panic and grabbed her.And she suddenly laughed, smiling up to the sky, the tears in her flushed eyes squeezed out from the slender smile lines one after another, and soon wet her cheeks.

"do you know!"

She pinched my shoulder so hard that it hurt me so much.

"Did you know, Steward Li went to fend off those people by himself in order to let us go first, and Yan Qing drove them away alone with his own injuries in order to let me hide, they... They all said they would come back, But I have been hiding in the woods for so long, what was I waiting for! It was their heads! When they were holding up two bloody heads, shouting, laughing and drinking and eating meat in the woods, I could only Lying on the tree, I dare not even cry. Tell me, am I an ominous person, why everyone I meet will die, why... You know how afraid I am that you are gone, hiding in the woods alone After so long, I dare not come out, I am afraid that they have not returned to the city, I am afraid that they will follow my footsteps to find us, I can only wait, I don’t know if they have already captured you, but I don’t Dare to go out. I finally found it. But when I found the place, the courtyard was empty, without any people, all the doors were open, and the house was pitch black, as if this was a deserted building. The house I lived in, I really thought that even you were gone... until I saw your body lying on the table... You said why didn't I wake me up, but do you know that it is God's favor to see you again I have taken great care of you, I don’t dare to act rashly again...Even if I watch you falling asleep with tears rolling down the corner of your eyes, even if I hear you choking in a low voice, even if I know you are calling my name in my dream, I I don’t dare to go up to wake you up and tell you that I’m back... I’m really afraid that my bad luck will be transmitted to you, I’m really afraid that you will be like them in the future..."

She spoke incoherently, sometimes whispering, sometimes roaring, but the strength in her hand never let go, and I had already burst into tears.

I understand, but I don't want to let her go on.

"I'm still here!"

I hugged her into my arms with all my strength.

"But they..."

"You are not that kind of person, the way of the world is like this, everyone has his own destiny, no one's fault, God, the dead died for us, and the living should live desperately for them!"

The head buried in my neck and shoulders seemed to be crying less and less, but she raised her head again with a sad face.

"But, if..."

She seemed to be asking something.

"No ifs!"

I knew what she was going to say, so I interrupted her.

"Qi Xin, maybe in those days, you experienced too much that you and I couldn't bear, but in the end, you still thought of me, and I have been waiting for you, that's enough! God has cared enough for us, Don't think too much about the past and future, because we still have a long way to go. As for them, I can't do anything but pay attention to the endless gratitude and guilt in my heart, because they are gone. Unfortunately, there will be more There will be many, many, but I still have you, I only have you left, so if there is no if, I will work hard to live with you, even if we die, we will die together!"

She stopped talking, lowered her head and was thinking about something, but her tightly clenched fist finally loosened a little.

"Let's go."

Feeling relieved, I turned around, led the horse behind me, climbed onto the saddle, and stretched out my hand towards her.

The sun rises in the east, the morning sun sets through the sparse pine-leaf forest, and the official road leading to the south gradually becomes clear. She looks deeply at the north end, dignified and sad.The winding road has long been incomplete, leading to the end of the forest, where the coniferous forest is still dim because of the thick snow attached to the treetops, which prevents direct sunlight.

Her hand was clenched by another warm hand, she jumped up, took the whip from my hand and waved it behind the horse.

There was a crisp sound of whips, and the horses neighed to the sky and ran south.