Mo Dongyang

The author has something to say: Dear friends, I'm really sorry, Sunrise is too busy these days, so I don't have time to update it, so I will add it now, everyone forgive me.

It was already very late when I returned to the palace, I don't remember how I got back, I just followed him step by step without saying a word, watching him look back at me from time to time with concern in his eyes.He didn't want to leave until I walked into the gate of Zhilan Hall, watching me from a distance.I hid behind the gate, looking at the burly figure gradually blending into the night, sighed softly unconsciously, turned and walked towards my residence.

After entering the door, I took a basin of warm water to wash off the makeup on my face, but when I inadvertently caught a glimpse of the broken self in the water, a burst of inexplicable grief crept into my heart. I seemed to see my future self, and I couldn’t help asking Is it worth it for me to do this, but for a moment, I couldn't help laughing at my redundant thoughts, I picked up a towel to wipe off the cooled water stains on my face.

I told myself, nothing is not worth it.

The bead pendants on my ears have been put away by me. I sat on the edge of the kang and stared at the old window sill in a daze. breathe.At this time, my face was not filled with the joy of finding my destination.Yes, I won my whimsical bet today, but at this time I couldn't feel a trace of joy. On the contrary, my face was covered with dark clouds, and tears fell unconsciously.In an environment that is too quiet, people can't help but start to think wildly, but my brain is clear at this time. I know that I got what I want today, but the most important part of my life will also be free. Disappeared from my life a little bit from now on.

It wasn't until Ah Xing opened the door and came in that the inexplicable atmosphere in the room was broken. She looked at me in surprise.

"Qi Xin, why are you here? Master Yan has been looking for you all night, don't stay here anymore, go quickly."

Fortunately, she didn't see my red eye sockets clearly, so I backed up, lowered my head and hurriedly got up and walked towards the bedroom.

"What's wrong, your eyes are red, who bullied you?"

Li Shu, with a joyful face, frowned when he saw me, and anxiously pulled me to sit down and asked.

"It's windy outside, and the sand is blowing in."

I lowered my head in panic and pressed my sore eyes tightly with the back of my cold hand.

"Nonsense, I just came back from the outside, and the leaves on the treetops in the yard didn't move at all. Besides, if the sand got in, the nose wouldn't turn red like this. Who is bullying you?"

Li Shu had a displeased expression on her face, and she held up my nearly drooping head with both hands. With dim eyes, I saw a few tiny wrinkles on the bridge of her nose.

"Nobody bullied me." I lied.

"It's just that Li Shu spends less and less time in the palace. He always runs to the emperor every three days. Li Shu never takes me with him. I'm always left alone in the palace, and I can only stay in the room." A person was thinking wildly, thinking about it and crying for some reason.”

What I said was incoherent, my eyes suddenly became extremely sour, and I swallowed it until the tears came out easily, but I knew that I didn't say the most real part of my heart, I just suddenly felt a little wronged, and These are just complaints.

Li Shu, with a serious face, suddenly fell silent. She put down her hands holding my face, but her eyes never met mine. She left, but the worried and anxious look disappeared the moment I finished that sentence, and I seemed to see the waves rolling several feet high on the big river rising and falling in her dark pupils one after another.I felt a little fear unconsciously, did I say the wrong thing, was it because Li Shu never thought that she would be the one I wanted to find out, or was it because Li Shu never thought that she would break my heart .

I really wanted to open my mouth to break this very stagnant atmosphere, Li Shu is not easy to come back, I don't want to make her unhappy, but before I opened my mouth, Li Shu spoke.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that doing this would embarrass you and make you feel wronged, but...but I did this for Qi Xin's own good..."

Li Shu's expression was inexplicably strange at this time, and there was even a trace of surprise that I couldn't read on her uneasy and guilty face. She paused for a long time, tightly grasped my hand, and wanted to open her mouth several times to say something. , but I still can't explain why it would be good for me if she did this.

I suddenly realized that my own half-truths and half-truths made things difficult for Li Shu, because she didn't want to explain it at all.

"Qi Xin, trust me, even if you think I'm selfish or hypocritical, I just want Qi Xin to be well in the palace, I..."

Before Li Shu finished speaking, I interrupted her.

"I believe in Lishu, what Lishu does is for my own good, I know."

I held her hand instead and smiled to comfort her.

"Just Lishu, if one day you were free, would you give up what you have today?"

"Why do you suddenly ask such an irrelevant question?"

Li Shu, who was still troubled by my unintentional complaints just now, was instantly relieved.

"Just a sudden thought, tell me what's on your mind?"

My heart was agitated, because I was suddenly not sure if what I had been holding on to in the beginning was worth continuing.

"Don't think about it, if I can get freedom, even if one day the emperor personally offers the position of the mother of the world, I will not want it."

Li Shu said jokingly.

"What about the future, will Lishu still think so?" I continued to ask.

"How can there be a future? Does Qi Xin think there will be a future in this dark palace? What kind of strange things are in Qi Xin's head? I think about it all day long. It's really amazing. One day I pushed myself into a dead end."

Li Shu asked back, shook his head with a wry smile, and rubbed my forehead lightly with his hand.

The boulder that was pressing on my heart was gone, I breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled foolishly at Li Shu, without saying a word.

Li Shu, for your words, everything I do is worth it!

You don't need to know what I did, but why after tonight, I found that there seems to be a gap between what I think and what you think in your heart, because I don't seem to know what you are thinking at all.

But that's okay.

I just want to stay by your side and see you well, and watch you step by step towards the life you want, so I am satisfied.

As for myself, as long as I stay by your side, if you get what you want, it is meaningless whether you are sad or happy in the end.

At the very beginning, I didn't dare to expect extravagantly about my future life. I have fantasized about those futures more than once, but unfortunately, I never thought about extravagantly asking for things that don't belong to me in the past.

Because, when I meet you, I have no future.

So, I will be willing to do whatever you ask me to do, but even if I am so close to you now, such a close distance, such an intimate relationship, I still don’t know what you are thinking, there is always a layer between us Sha, on which side you are always indifferent, far and near, which keeps me elusive.

I still don't understand your thoughts, your worries, your heart, I really want to understand, and I also know that as long as I remove the thin layer of gauze between you and me, everything will be solved.But I dare not, I am so afraid that once we uncover it, and find that everything between you and me has changed, and it has become another scene that I would never dream of, then you and I will really walk away from each other in the future up.

This feeling is like sleeping with you every night until now, I want to hold you, I want to curl up in your arms like I got into my mother's arms when I was a child, let you hold me, touch me gently Put my hair down and let me sleep, I know you will if I take the initiative, but I never take the initiative because I dare not.

Because I like it, I dare not approach her, because I like it, so I just stay by her side, pay attention to her silently, accompany her, look at her well, I can satisfy my heart, because I like it, so no matter what I am willing If you compromise, you are willing to do it for her, isn't it?

Regarding the current situation of you and me, I am both happy and hated. The happy thing is that I know that you are also good to me, and it is getting better and better. I can't define it, even if it looks like a relative or a lover, it makes me anxious and happy.The hateful thing is that we can never go back to the past, because I suddenly realized that your heart is really big, so big, big enough to hold all people and things, the emperor, the harem, the past, the present and the future.And where is my position? Does it just occupy a certain insignificant corner of your heart, perhaps even hard to find with the naked eye.

My heart is really small, so small that it can only accommodate one person, and that place is reserved for you.

I care about you so much, but you are always tied down by other things and people, and you are willing to be burdened by them.But the ridiculous thing is that I can't find any trace of myself in these things and people, as if I am just by your side, and the rest is useless and dispensable.

I hate this kind of relationship, you can tolerate everyone and everything in your eyes, and I only have you, I just hope that the person I care about can make me feel that she cares about me, even if it is just a little bit, I am satisfied Yes, that's all, but I don't feel that way in you.

But I still don't want to leave.

Who hasn't imagined how great it would be if the person he cared about so much could care about himself like himself.

Well, I'll stand by your side and stay with you, just a short distance away, until you don't need me, okay?

I got one thing that night, a jade pendant. Li Shu asked for it in the main hall of Guangming Temple on the day of Zongsi Emperor Sacrifice. There are two pieces in total, one for Li Shu and one for me. The jade rabbit who only looks up at the bright moon. At that time, I was lying on the bed looking at Lishu and said with a smile that I was the little rabbit. As for Lishu who lived on the moon palace, I could only wander around and watch from a distance but could not get close, but Lishu refuted my words.

"Why can't I get close, won't I carry you with me every day from now on?"