Mo Dongyang

The northern part of the country is very cold in January. The hazy wind and snow lasted for about a week. The intermittent rain and snow continued to fall, but the thoughts still did not stop. Passing through the long corridors and high walls in the palace, the wind did not weaken at all. The palace people could only huddle in the heavy palace clothes every day, rubbing their red hands tremblingly, lowering their heads and rushing through the various palaces in the wind and snow. between.

I don't know if it's because the previous large and small New Year celebrations cost too much. This year, the coal sent to Zhilan Hall for heating is almost [-]% less than that of previous years, and the few sets of cotton jackets and brocade quilts used for winter have not been sent again.

This winter, Zhilan Palace seems to have become a bit difficult.

In order to save coal, Zhilan Hall only burns in the charcoal stove for several hours during daytime activities, and when night falls, the charcoal is extinguished, and the warmth in the room can only be maintained for a short hour, slowly It will be covered by the cold air in the temple, and the chill will be overwhelming.It's just that Yan Guiren had already gone to bed at this time, and the warm quilt could always dispel the gloomy cold air in the room.But I was not treated like this because I always slept with my clothes on the small recliner next to Mrs. Yan’s bed at night. Although Mrs. Yan gave me a lot of quilts, the thin quilts couldn’t stop me. The chill at night made me curl up tightly on the couch every night, but even so, I would wake up from the cold several times at night, and no matter how unbearable I was, I would not dare to turn over many times. Because of this, Yan Guiren was awakened, so he bowed into a ball and shook his teeth, hoping for dawn soon.

But such an embarrassing situation was quickly discovered by Yan Guiren.

Late that night, I was still drowsy from the chill, hiding under the blanket and rubbing my cold hands back and forth.Yan Gui, who was sleeping in the couch, suddenly spoke to me.

"Qi Xin, it's cold at night, I'm so cold that I can't sleep, if we sleep together, it won't be cold, come up."

I wanted to tell Mr. Yan that I can heat up the stove again, so I don’t have to go up, because now I am covered in cold air, but Mr. Yan refused me irresistibly, so I had no choice but to get up and take off my heavy cotton coat , wearing this thin jacket, lifted the thick bed curtain, and carefully slipped into Yan Guiren's bed, but when I was surrounded by warm blankets in the cold air, I couldn't help but feel confused. Didn't Yan Guiren say that he was cold? Can't I fall asleep? How can I be so warm in the bed, but before I can figure it out, my cold hands are wrapped by a pair of warm palms.

"Is it still cold?"

Lord Yan asked me in a low voice.

In the darkness, I couldn't see nobleman Yan's expression clearly, but the voice from above was extremely gentle.

"Master Yan, I... am not cold anymore."

I don't know what to say, I was overwhelmed by the huge emotion in an instant, Yan Guiren actually used such a tortuous method just to prevent me from freezing again, and I am just a small slave, He Dehe Can you make nobleman Yan worry about me so much.

"Didn't Qi Xin cover my hands to keep me warm like this? I remember your hands were really warm. I didn't feel cold all of a sudden. I learned from you now."

Yan nobleman smiled lightly.

"These days, for some reason, it's hard to fall asleep at night. Maybe it's because the hall is too deserted. If someone is by my side, I'll feel much better."

I can feel Yan Guiren approaching me.

After all, I still couldn't help asking in a low voice.

"Master Yan, why are you so kind to me? I'm just..."

Why Yan Guiren is so kind to me, I have always been very puzzled. Since Yan Guiren woke up from that illness, she has been much closer to me than before, but as time went by, I gradually discovered that her kindness to me was not the same as before. It is not the alms and mercy of the Lord to his servants.Perhaps it means that she has never treated me as an ordinary slave.

"Obviously, you're just a slave, aren't you?"

Yan nobleman smiled lightly.

"Qi Xin, I have never treated you as a slave, and you have never been a slave, because you are different from them...how should I say it?"

Yan Guiren turned around, seemed to be looking at the high-hanging bed curtain and thinking carefully, she paused for a moment and then said.

"Do you know where you are different from them, yes, your eyes."

"my eyes?"

I couldn't help but wonder what was so special about my eyes.

"Well, your eyes, do you know, in your eyes, I see a lot of things, which I haven't seen since I entered the palace, what I see every day in this palace Everyone has numbness, indifference, greed, treachery and ignorance in their eyes, but you are different. Your eyes really reveal a lot. When you are learning every skill I teach you, your eyes are full of It’s longing and curiosity, I’m sick, your eyes are full of worry and anxiety, or, from time to time, you always take advantage of the leisure time in the afternoon, humming some unknown tunes alone in the corner, and your eyes are full of joy And Mingming. Do you still remember that time in the garden, because I didn’t notice your small movements in those days, but you don’t know that I would lie on the window sill on the second floor and watch you crouching under the willow tree next to the rockery I was really envious at the time, I don't understand why you can be so heartless and unscrupulous, because this is the palace!"

Yan Guiren laughed suddenly, then turned around to face me, I stared blankly at the blurred face in front of me, I was so shocked that I couldn't say a word.

"Until that day, I couldn't help being curious, and wanted to find out what you were up to, but I sat behind you for nearly half an hour, and you didn't notice me, playing with the three-year-old boy alone for fun. Children's game, I was thinking at the time, what kind of expression would you have when you found me? It was interesting to think about it. Sure enough, you were indeed scared by me. There is still some yellow mud on it, like a child who was found terrified because of his playfulness, and I am the punisher, of course I did not punish you, I just want to know what you are playing secretly every day , but I didn't expect that you spend so much time on weekdays practicing calligraphy, then I thought, since you are so eager to learn, then come to my bedroom and I will teach you." Yan Guiren continued.

"No, Master Yan, I..."

I really wanted to defend myself, and wanted to tell her that it was because I always had nothing to do in the palace every day, so I could only find fun secretly and find ways to make myself happier, but I suddenly realized that if I said this, it was not an obvious explanation. Have you forgotten my dereliction of duty since these days in Zhilan Palace?No, I can't say it, the words I was about to say were swallowed hard by my throat.

"It's not what? You want to quibble again, don't you?"

Yan Guiren giggled and pinched my nose lightly.

"Qi Xin, do you know that you always try to pretend that you are just like other people in the palace, respectful, submissive, and hide when things happen. You are like this, and even I was deceived by you. I am very disappointed, I know that no matter how unique you are, you will eventually be eroded by this indifferent palace and gradually change your appearance. But it was not until I woke up from that serious illness that I realized that you have never changed However, your eyes are no longer dull and indifferent. All I see in your eyes are urgency and anxiety. They are so clean and there is no trace of impurities. At that time, I knew for the first time that I was abandoned In a certain corner of the deep palace, there will still be people who care about me, who care about my life and death."

"Master Yan, don't say that, I... For me, Master Yan holds a lot of weight in my heart. When I see Master Yan sad, I will also be sad. Seeing Master Yan sad, I will also be sad. Master Yan is sick, I will be anxious and distressed, but I don't know what to do, and the imperial doctors don't come to treat the illness, so I can only guard Master Yan every day, these... these are what I should I did it, Master Yan treats me so well, and treats everyone well, how can no one care."

I was so anxious that I was a little incoherent, and tears fell down somehow.

"Fool, why didn't I know you love to cry so much."

Gentleman Yan gently held my cheeks, and wiped away the tears that kept falling from me.

"Qi Xin, you know why I tell you so much, not only because I think you are special, but also because you are the only person in this huge palace who can understand me. You can always sense what I'm thinking, You know I don't like dilapidated courtyards, but even though they all left without authorization in the end, you still insist on cleaning the entire courtyard by yourself before sunrise, because you just want to make me happy; even though you know I am used to being alone, but you always stand by my side silently, and you never leave for a moment, because you understand that I would rather be alone, but I just can't find a person to talk to, you can always Give me what I want at the right time, silently take care of me in your own way, care about me; you can't see my bad, even if I am a little strange, you will quickly notice it, with a look of anxiety and tension You make me feel that there are still people who care about me in this cold Miyagi."

"Master Yan, am I really as good as you say?"

I can't believe it, I only know that I care about Noble Yan and everything about her, but I don't know that my care has been deliberately enough for Noble Yan to notice, and it has been analyzed so deeply.

"Don't call me Master Yan anymore. This kind of address makes me feel that we are so alienated, and my current status is just higher than ordinary talents. Qi Xin, I have been confined here for more than ten years, more than ten years. I have been used to being alone for years, but now I really want to have someone I can talk to, and I hope this person is you. After that serious illness, I gradually realized that maybe I could be accompanied by a long lamp before , I am lonely forever, but now I can no longer get used to being alone, and these changes are precisely because of your care and care. So, don't care about those so-called palace rules, okay, don't treat me like this Unfamiliar and timid, and, call me Lishu from now on?"

Yan Gui gently stroked my cheek with his thumb, and I could hear the sincerity and anticipation in the soft words, but also the warmth like water.

"Do you really not mind my status? My status is so low."

I was flattered that the person who could share the burden for nobleman Yan and have a heart-to-heart relationship with her was actually me. I couldn't help but be ecstatic, but I couldn't believe it, so I confirmed to nobleman Yan cautiously with a trembling voice.

Before I could finish speaking, Mr. Yan quickly covered my lips with his hands.

"I said that you will never be a slave in my eyes. I really don't care about your status. I just hope to find someone who can treat me sincerely. If you can, call me Lishu?"

After Yan Guiren finished speaking word by word, he let go of the hand covering me, and waited quietly and patiently for my reply.

"Quinoa... quinoa?"

Every word Yan Guiren said was like a sudden storm in summer, large raindrops fell to my heart without warning, making me breathless, I struggled for a long time, and finally obeyed the voice in my heart, The trembling voice was as weak as a mosquito, and I shrank my head in embarrassment, trying to hide myself, but I found that I had nowhere to hide.

"I can not hear clearly."

Noble Yan said with a chuckle.

I took a deep breath, adjusting my chaotic breath.This time, I finally solemnly spoke out the voice in my heart.

"Quinoshu." I said.

(repair)

In February, the wind and snow were still raging, and the huge palace was covered in silver, and it was completely white. Except for some messy footprints and withered bare wood branches, there was no breath of early spring in the snow, which seemed very monotonous and boring. tedious.But in Zhilan Temple, on the old willow tree next to the rockery, a few new shoots grew, which are fresh and tender yellow-green.

"Lishu, the willow tree in the yard has grown a lot of new leaves, and spring will come soon."

She was lying on the desk, and raised her head with joy.

"Take me to see!"

There is a small secret hidden in the entire Zhilan Palace, and only she and I know this secret. When there are other palace people in the palace, I respectfully call her Master Yan, and privately I will call her Lishu .

I don't know if it's because of the change of address, but Lishu and I are much closer than before.When I called her Master Yan before, I was always in awe and cautious around her, every word and action had to be pondered.But now, after I call her Lishu, I can do anything out of the ordinary.

When dusk falls and the Zhilan Palace is empty, Li Shu and I will always walk side by side in the white backyard after the snow. Under the wide brocade sleeves, no one will know that there are two clenched hands hidden. I even When Lishu didn't notice, he quickly picked up a small pile of snowballs from the snow, shouted her name behind her, waited for Lishu to turn back innocently, and then threw the snowballs at her without warning. At this time, Li Shu would always grab a handful of snow randomly, chase me and sprinkle it in my direction, but even so, she still couldn't catch up with me, because I was really hiding. too fast.When we are all tired from running, we will sit on the stone bench next to the rockery and take a rest for a while. Li Shu panting and watching me squatting on the snow without any tiredness to make a snowman, and watching me make a snowman with dead branches and stones. snowmen, one big and one small,

Chen Shu asked me, why do we pile up one big and one small, is it okay for them to be the same size?

"not good!"

I waved my red fingers and shouted at Li Shu.

"why?"

Li Shu couldn't help smiling, squatting beside me and asked.

I patted my snow-covered hands and turned to look up at her.

"Because to me, Lishu is like a fairy, who emerges from the mud without being stained, cleans the ripples without being demonic, and is too pure to be profane, while I am a commoner."

I stretched out my hand and exaggeratedly made a huge circle in the air, and continued

"In my eyes, Quinoa is so big."

I pointed to my skinny fist again.

"And I'm so young, because I need the protection of the gods. Lishu will definitely protect me."

After I finished speaking, I raised my head with a hippie smile and looked at Lishu who was close at hand.

"You're talking nonsense again, get up quickly, your hands are turning red from the cold."

Li Shu pretended to be angry, but couldn't hide the smile on her face. She stretched out her hand and pulled me up, patted the snow stains on my body, then held my red hands, and breathed out for me .

"Really, good hands are like braised hooves now, telling you to mess around in the snow, go back and bake them quickly, lest you get chilblains."

Li Shu said reproachfully.

I looked at Li Shu who kept breathing for me, the white mist overflowed from the corner of her mouth from time to time, and then drifted into the air without a trace, and the hands that were frozen unconscious seemed to feel the warmth, instantly, I feel lighter than ever before.

"Okay, let's go back." I replied with a smile.

March has passed, the weather has gradually become warmer, and the huge bedroom is no longer as cold as it was in the twelfth lunar month of winter. It seems that I don’t have any reason to stay on Lishu’s bed anymore, but the fact is, since that night, After we decided to put aside our respective identities, Li Shu and I never slept together again, perhaps because we have gotten used to the feeling of always having someone by our side.

We are so similar, we always think that we will be alone in this life, and we have gradually adapted to this long-term loneliness, but once the long-awaited warmth that has never been obtained sneaks into us with the wind inadvertently Even if it is only tiny, it will nourish the dry and cracked heart bit by bit, just like because we have each other, we can no longer bear the cold bed without a trace of warmth beside us.

It's just that this kind of mutual spiritual connection, and relying too much on each other, and the heart that has been sealed for a long time, can really accommodate each other without warning?Behind the sincere feelings is the incomparable steadfastness or the vulnerability?How long can this friendship last?

We have never thought about these questions.

After the curfew at night, the entire palace is basically plunged into darkness. At this time, I always carefully pick out the flickering candles in the smoked lamp next to the heavy bed curtain, and then grope in the dark to the bed. Next to him, he clumsily lifted up the quilt of Lishu and got in.Of course, we will not go to sleep just now. The dead of night is always a very suitable time for conversation and chatting. Sometimes in the quiet night, we can even hear the whispering of unknown insects and beasts outside the palace. The sound of rustling branches, the orderly footsteps of the imperial guards in the distance during the night patrol, but no one can hear the whispers in the corner of this huge bedroom, or the light laughter, or the flat voice, or the low voice. chant.

In short, everything will return to silence before long.

Although we can't see our fingers in the dark night, it didn't become an obstacle for us to communicate with each other. Instead, it allowed us to let go of all our scruples and speak freely. Maybe it's because we can't see each other.

Li Shu was very interested in the small southern city where I used to live, and always pestered me to tell me some humanistic biographies, street histories, local songs, and anecdotes about it.How can there be so many interesting stories to tell in a small county town, and in the end I had to piece together all the travel experiences I heard from the drug dealer Zhang Zhang to Li Shu.

As for Lishu, I can finally understand the 25 years since this enigmatic woman entered the palace through her fragmentary narration, which satisfies my long-term curiosity.

Li Shu was born in an official family, the daughter of a concubine from the magistrate of Yezhou. Yezhou is located in the east of the country, an ancient border city facing the sea in the east, but Li Shu's father disdains to guard a side of the state to live a comfortable life. He has a higher goal, that is, to be able to move to the imperial city one day, and have a mansion there of his own, but the small Zhizhou has neither a strong background nor a wealthy family background, the wish of a high-ranking official in the capital It also became out of reach, but since he saw the little girl born to his third wife getting more and more beautiful and refined day by day, he felt that the opportunity had finally come, and everything after that became logical. A large sum of money was spent on Li Shu, who was taught by famous teachers, from morning to night, piano, chess, calligraphy, painting, communication etiquette, and various courses were arranged to the full. In Li Shu's words, her childhood was The narrow square table in the study is boring and uninteresting.However, these sacrifices finally paid off. At the age of 16, Li Shu was recommended into the palace, and within a short period of time, he was deeply favored by the Holy One. Li Shu's family also settled in the capital as they wished, and Li Shu's father became a court official Officials with the title of five ranks.

"Do you know why I became the person I am today?"

Li Shu was lying flat on the bed, her voice was calm without any waves.

Lying on my side, I remained silent. At this moment, I couldn't ask anything. The only thing I could do was to stretch out my hand and hold Li Shu's cold hand tightly.

"Six years ago, my father was imprisoned for embezzlement and his family property was confiscated. The others were sent to work as coolies in Zhangzhou, southern China. I don't know whether they are alive or dead."

After a moment of silence, Li Shu said this sentence, but I didn't hear any emotion in this sentence, as if she was just talking about something that had nothing to do with her, and I was a little surprised by her cold talk.

I continued to be silent, and Li Shu didn't make a sound, the surroundings suddenly became quiet, a little creepy, and I don't know how long it took, a wry smile broke the rigidity in the air.

"Qi Xin, my 26 years of life have been nothing more than an indefinite confinement, and the only merciful release was just to move me from one cage to another bigger prison, maybe I will never see the The sun outside. When I was young, I was ordered not to step out of the study until my homework was completed. I was born on the seashore, but I didn’t know what the so-called sea looked like. My brothers and sisters could follow My father went out to inspect the sea, but my world was limited to the area from the study to the boudoir, and even my childhood pleasure was to learn about the outside world through the small patio of the study. I once thought that after the age of 16, I would I can be free, I can leave the shackles of my family, and live my fantasy life in a brand new place. Now think about how naive I was at that time, the palace is a place that eats people and does not spit bones. Maybe leave, it is even scarier than the house where I was imprisoned before." Li Shu turned her head and said to me.

"I want to escape from here, I really want to leave, I don't want to be tortured in this prison for the rest of my life. Qi Xin, before I met you, I thought that in a few years, I would be tortured beyond recognition by the entire palace city , in the end, I may not even recognize myself, but because of your appearance, you told me how vivid and colorful the outside world is, and you gave me so many expectations, so that I no longer feel that life is just Blindly endure, because it still has many wonderful features, even if I am destined to be unable to escape the fate of being imprisoned, with you by my side, I already feel that God has given me the greatest gift. Do you know, I really I envy you very much, you have so many experiences, you have traveled all over the world alone, you have so many stories, and you know so many ways to practice medicine, and I, what can I do if I have read a lot of poetry and books, I am just wearing a brocade coat It's just a useless shell under a fine dress."

In Chenoshu's words, I could hear the endless bitterness.

"Lishu, do you really want to leave the palace?" I asked.

"Going out of the palace? It's too extravagant. I just want to see the outside world again before I die, but I can't even realize this trivial wish." Li Shu replied with a sigh.

"Lishu, one day you will step out of the palace, and anything is possible." I said firmly.

"I'm joking again. I won't tell you anymore. It's late at night. Go to sleep."

Lishu giggled, as if I had told a big joke.Then, she yawned lightly, patted my shoulder, turned and fell asleep.

That night, I couldn't close my eyes at all. Li Shu's seemingly absurd wish took root in my heart somehow, and it could never be erased.

Li Shu's biggest wish is to get out of the palace, right? Well, let's go out of the palace together!

It took me one night to come up with this idea, but I was not yet full at the time, and I didn't know how much difficulty and hardship the word "leaving the palace" contained.These two words are easy to say, but I have never thought about how much it will cost and how much sacrifice will be made to realize it.

All I can think of is that Lishu and I will leave this ghost place of the palace one day, no matter what method we use.