In the name of love

Said: Don't be afraid, I will definitely come to you again.I also said hello to him and hooked up with him.Later, he really came back to look for me. The police arrested a homeless man by mistake. Fortunately, he came back and turned himself in. When he saw me, he still smiled at me and said to me: I finally see you again. "

Yulu saw that the young man let go of his cheeks, but his face was already full of tears.

"Later they took him away, I was protected by the police, and the social worker came to talk to me, and I realized what was really done to me."

"They say that man is a pedophile, a hopeless villain, that he has a brain problem, that he has kidnapped many boys, all for the purpose of touching their bodies, and the method is the same. Che, it's all about tricking the boy into saying it's comfortable, that he likes them, that he's going to teach them fun things..."

Ji Lan grabbed his suit pants tightly.

"I was shocked at that time. Not only was that person actually a bad guy, but I also knew that kidnapping was a bad thing. But... myself, I would, unexpectedly, be kidnapped by a poor kidnapper, using this method... ..."

Ji Lan didn't make a sound for a while.Yulu felt that he was in his arms, as if he was sobbing in a low voice. Yulu's heart looked like a thick fog, and there was fog everywhere. He didn't know what to say to this sad young man. Even if time went back, Yulu Lil believed that sitting next to the nine-year-old boy, he would be as bewildered as he was now.

Ji Lan managed to suppress her sobs, and spoke again with a hoarse voice.

"Jize...was the first to find me. He was only one year older than me. He vaguely knew the news of my being molested from an adult. I still remember the expression on his face. He was very shocked and very sad. Even when his beloved ex-girlfriend broke up with him, I have never seen such a sad expression on his face..."

"He said to me with that expression: Xiaolan, my God, how could this happen? You are so pitiful, so pitiful... He hugged me tightly while talking like this, very tight and tight tight."

"'Dirty man', that's what Jize called the kidnapper at that time."

Ji Lan opened her mouth to inhale the stagnant air in the box.

"Even the ten-year-old Jize... even the Jize who is always stupid, knows that it's a bad thing, and knows that that person is a bad person. But I don't know, I'm so stupid... Being deceived by that kind of person, what makes me even more unable to forgive myself is that I was deceived by him into doing such a disgusting thing, yet I still feel...so comfortable..."

The young man's voice suddenly added sobs, "How can I feel comfortable... How can I..."

Yulu put her arms around Ji Lan and didn't answer.Ji Lan raised her neck, her tears stopped at the corners of her eyes, and only her shoulders were still trembling slightly.

"Later, I received a lot of psychological counseling and read a lot of books...They said that normal people only feel comfortable when they do that kind of thing with the person they like, and with bad people and strangers who have no relationship, right? It might feel that way."

"I don't like the kidnapper, I don't even remember his face, but I feel excited and comfortable just because he touches me. I was only nine years old at that time... Senior, don't you think it's disgusting? Don't you think Is it abnormal? A person like me, a person like me, who is so comfortable that he doesn't even want to go home after being touched by a stranger..."

Ji Lan said as if masochistic, and he took another breath.

"I'm really scared... Really scared, what will happen to me if I get in touch with sex... and things related to sex? Does it matter who touches me, whether it's Minnay or not? Whether there is love or no love, I will be the same as that time, so excited that I even forget who I am...?"

"If this goes on, even I will hate myself, and even I will not be able to understand myself..."

Yulu hugged Ji Lan's shoulder, so dazed that he couldn't utter a word of comfort.

He knew what he should say, something that could untie the knot in Ji Lan's heart.

"You are not wrong"?This cheap comfort method does not seem to be suitable for this situation.

"Is this normal for you"?But is the other party the villain who kidnapped him, or a strange man who has never met before, a nine-year-old child, who is so comforted by this kind of person, can it really be called normal...?

Yulu was still inextricably entangled, Ji Lan had already straightened up on his own, Yulu calmed down after hearing his voice, and returned to the 28-year-old Ji Lan.

"I've been looking for answers since then. I study rapists, and I'm writing about this at Cornell. I wonder if it's possible for a child to get aroused by an adult's compulsive behavior, and the answer is almost always no. , They said that this kind of evil behavior of pedophilia will only leave children with indelible damage for a lifetime."

Ji Lan collapsed on the sofa, "For three years, I have defended rapists. I thought that in this process, I might find a chance to solve my case. But for so many years...even if it is a small letter, even if it is It's Xiaoxin who likes Lu Xing so much, when he was raped by Lu Xing, he still cried like that in pain..."

"If only I felt hurt, if I felt pain because of it, if I could go back, I'd grab my nine-year-old self and tell him, 'Stop drowning! Resist it. , cry! You should feel pain...you should feel hurt.' I wanted to warn him so loudly."

Seeing that Ji Lan suddenly turned his head, Yulu caught him with those black eyes, and it was hard to get rid of it from Yulu's sight from then on.

"In this way, can I become normal...? Senior..."

Yulu pursed his lips, he closed his eyes slightly, put his arms around Ji Lan's neck, and pressed his face to his chest.Ji Lan seemed somewhat surprised, looking up at him.

"Are you normal or not... Whether your reaction back then was correct or not is not something I can judge."

he said slowly.Now he finally understood why Ji Lan said "I'm not a normal man" to him in such a heavy tone, and when he said "Don't think you are abnormal", he would show such a sad expression.

I always feel that my heart hurts.

"But I'm going to tell you one thing, I was a man who couldn't kiss anyone until I met you...no, until I kissed you at a dinner party last time."

Yulu said in a low voice, "The reason is very simple. When I was 12 years old, I fell in love with Sam, who was ten years older than me, who later became my stepfather. I was fascinated by him, so I was in his laboratory I secretly kissed him, and when he found out, he thought I was joking, and rejected me with a smile. From now on, I can no longer truly fall in love with anyone.”

Ji Lan looked at Yulu with surprised and blank eyes, and opened her mouth as if to say something, but Yulu shook her head.

"It's not a kid's admiration or admiration for an older man. I really have a sexual desire for him. I want to fuck him. I want to go crazy. I see him naked and I get an erection. I even tried to fuck him. drugged his wine so that he could be seduced and raped, but in the end he did not do so.”

Yulu said mockingly to himself.

"It's amazing, isn't it? A 12-year-old child has such thoughts about his stepfather. I am also like you. I have seen some psychological counseling because I feel that I am abnormal. They say that I lack fatherly love. To have this empathy with Sam, and I confuse sexuality with this longing for fatherhood."

"But I know that's not the case. There may be a little bit of precocious puberty, but I really like Sam, and I like him so much that I want to become one with him. It has nothing to do with the lack of father love or Electra complex."

"Senior..." Ji Lan called him, and Yulu responded with a grin.

"To be honest, from then to now more than [-] years, I have never felt normal. Obviously no one can really love anyone, but my boyfriend has changed one by one. Only love can feel comfortable? Forget it ! As long as there is a hole drilled in the front, I can have a good night, even if the hole belongs to a dog."

"On the contrary, the person who really likes me wants to drill his hole for me. Instead, I feel scared, as if I can't get out if I get in, and it will destroy myself or something. Every young person is in these days. Pursue the so-called true love, but I am afraid of that kind of thing. You say that I often distance myself with a smile on my face, that is the proof of my fear.”

Yulu laughed lightly. "Do you think it's normal for me to be like this? Probably no one in the world is more abnormal than me."

Ji Lan seemed to blink her eyes, and the tears in the corners of her eyes had not faded away, but Yulu could tell that Ji Lan's mood had calmed down somewhat, at least her shoulders were not shaking so much.

"... By Sam, do you mean Professor Sam?" Ji Lan actually asked after a while.

"Yes." Yulu smiled wryly, "Now you know why I performed so well in his class."

"You said... fell in love with Professor Luo, before or after he became your stepfather?" Ji Lan asked him.

"Before. My mother met Sam because of me. He was a volunteer at the Children's Rehabilitation Center. My mother once thought I had an Oedipus complex because I refused to attend my mother's remarriage wedding."

Yulu lowered her head, the corners of her lips slightly raised.After a long while, he felt someone touching his forehead, and when he looked up, he found that it was Ji Lan. He seemed to be hesitant, and slowly stretched out his hand, and walked around his neck under Yulu's surprised eyes. Distance hugged his neck.Yulu thinks that should be a consolation