In the name of love

Have dinner alone, sit on the lambskin sofa and read tomorrow's court files.The next day, he fell asleep on the sofa, woke up to shave his beard in a hurry, and rushed into the courtroom 10 minutes late under the contemptuous gaze of the judge.Life went on as usual routine.

Until Yulu came home one day, turned on the light, and put the briefcase with the files on the ground, suddenly he found himself collapsed.It came out of nowhere, but Yulu was not surprised. He sat on the lambskin sofa, put his hands on his eye sockets, pressed his lips, and cried like killing a chicken, ugly and miserable.

It was at that moment that Yulu realized how contemptuously he looked at people's emotions before. He thought he had experienced a lot of battles, but he was actually vulnerable to a single blow.

Ji Lan said that he actually loves Ricky. This is clear to the outsider, and there is indeed some truth, but the depth of emotion is different. Yulu asked himself that his feelings for Ricky were not one-tenth of what he had poured into Sam at the beginning. Even with Ji Lan Compared with Ji Lan, it is less than half of the affection for Ji Lan.

But emotions cannot be quantified, and Yuli also understands that there are still qualitative differences between them.If he had to classify his feelings for Ricky, it would be love, and love is far greater than love.

Before Ricky got sick, Yuli thought he was cute. He loved his body, his dexterous speech and his personality that didn't make people feel pressured.After the onset of the disease, Yulu felt sorry for him, and the decision to live with him was still largely based on morality.

Yulu thought that if Ji Lan hadn't brought him and Ricky back together, he might only feel sorry for Ricky's death. He would cry, and cry in front of Ricky's mourning hall, but that's all.

He also thought that if Ricky's life by his side lasted not just three years, but ten years or 30 years, then this poor and meager emotion might be really deep because of the time spent together, and he would really fall in love with Ricky , to love his exterior and interior, to love his future and past, and to love his life including death.

Old couples seldom want to live for each other's death, because the death of the other party is included in their original contract, which cannot be changed, but can only be accompanied and accepted.

But Ricky's death is just outside of all these, it's not because he loves Ricky so deeply, that incomplete, incomplete, halfway love is beyond Yulu's emotional tolerance.

People can't feel their fragility until they are crushed and crushed. People always think that they are strong enough, so strong that all fragility in the world can be overcome.Just like Yulu once thought that he was so hurt by Sam that he could bear any emotional fragility.

But Ricky's death finally made Yulu realize that there is such an insurmountable fragility in the world.Because you can't jump, you can only fall with it.

At this time, Yulu is fortunate that people have the limit of memory. Memory will fade with time, and the corresponding emotions will gradually dilute accordingly.

During the period when Ricky was gone, Yulu felt like a centipede with a broken leg, walking in and out of the court and office every day, as if he was dragging himself on the ground with his abdomen.

He cuts off all past friendships, fleshly and non-physical.Ji Lan was also included. It should be said that Ji Lan was the first person he wanted to cut off contact with.

'If Ricky dies, I can pursue Ji Lan openly. 'This idea used to fill Yuliu's mind when Ricky was alive, but now it has become a taboo in Yuliu's heart.He couldn't forgive the self who had thought about it, and he was afraid of the self who would continue to think about it.

After that, he can be with anyone he wants, but that person should not be Ji Lan.

Yulu found himself making such an unspoken rule in his heart.Although no one asked him to do so.

During those days, Yulu was working and working during the day, and when he got home at night, he put his body on the sheepskin sofa, turned on the TV, and switched from the head of the news station to the end of the news station. If he could sleep, he would go to the bedroom. screen until you fall asleep.

But it turns out that time is really the best healing agent. Yulu gradually grew his feet again. One day, the lost friend picked up the phone book and called to have a chat. He found that friends are old and can’t die. The old ones cannot be removed.When former friends with benefits saw Yulu's long-lost figure at GayBar, they would still smile and raise their hands to slap his ass.

A year and a half ago, Yuli tried to sleep with a man again for the first time. The process was like a woman consummating her husband after giving birth. Yuli's strangeness and stiffness made a young man he knew in the bar smile and ask him: "Uncle, don't you know?" Is it the first time?"

This embarrassing and lengthy recovery process was so embarrassing that Yulu almost didn't want to think about it.

After that, although there were sporadic opportunities, although Yulu was like a child who failed in rehabilitation and was afraid of falling, he never dared to pick up the crutch again in front of others, and felt a little bumpy no matter how he walked.

And that night was a long-awaited phishing on the Internet. He originally thought that a screen might make him more courageous.As soon as I surfed the Internet, I saw a familiar anonymous name, and I made an appointment with the mentality of giving it a try, but I didn't expect to turn around and receive the call eight years later.

Yulu seemed to see that the fortress and continuous city wall that he had built all over his body with all his might over the past five years gradually cracked and disintegrated the moment he picked up the phone.

But even so, Yulu didn't think he could make it through.The surroundings of his castle had long been barren, and nothing to harvest had long since ceased to exist.

He lay back on the sofa, the chat history on the tablet was still there, and he made an appointment with the other party at 08:30.But Yulu looked up and saw that the hour hand was already pointing to ten o'clock, five minutes past ten.

"Too late..." he murmured, "Already, too late..."

Yulu covered her eyelids with her hands, unwilling to look at the time that has passed.

—The End of Eight Years Outside—

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