our psalms

My name is Wang Zicheng, and I was born in the season of cold snow.Fate didn't make me like the snowflakes that floated peacefully and melted immediately. It endowed me with a longing that could never be ordinary, and that I would always stand in the ethereal and empty world beyond the secular world.I used to watch my kind and big father go away in my childhood with the most confused attitude, and looked at his back, forever freezing that moment, the emotion that I was destined to pursue for a lifetime.

I lived with my mother, and the fleeting years were as short as the singing of a nightingale. The moment I stopped and looked back, I had become a handsome boy with big eyes full of confusion and expectation.I can't forget my mother's beautiful and deep smile, seeing her slightly white lips, touching my head, telling me to be happy.I always can not understand, happy, how to be happy.Perhaps, standing on a high road platform, looking down at the road that has never been quiet, those huge figures that flow away from the eyes one by one, never meeting each other, praying to God, who really belongs to My back can truly return to the long river of my life.

When the shadow that I thought would belong to me from now on really flashed in front of my eyes, I realized that the feeling of my father was not just what I longed for.I only know that at that time, I hugged that man day and night and cried loudly, but it couldn't melt my deep resentment towards him, but he was the only shoulder I could rely on. My mother still said that, We must grow up happily. With tears in my eyes, she touched my head and closed her eyes forever in the endless paleness.I looked back helplessly, every time, every tear, he carefully collected it.But he doesn't know, my father will never understand that those tears don't belong to him.

In this world, there is infinite hope, but there is also infinite despair.

The man who poured all his love on me, but I can only call him uncle, took me out of that small county town and came to the world he worked hard and developed.And the stepmother I called the wicked woman.I admit that I have never been a good child, except that I will appear childish and calm in front of my mother, but when she silently escaped from the vicissitudes of life, escaped from the sea of ​​suffering, and is watching me in heaven, I have put hatred and Willfulness freezes in this real world.

In the second year of living with me, that woman left her father because she couldn't bear my "torture".At that time, I just remember my father asking me, do you really don't want to have a mother anymore?When I answered him with certainty and anger that my mother can only have one, he smiled.The smile is so desolate, so dead silent.I don't know whether he was crying or laughing, but at that time he said the last sentence, "My uncle will give you whatever you want, and if you don't want something, my uncle will do everything possible to drive it away from your life."Then that night, he was drunk, the first time he was so drunk, crying and kneeling on the balcony, calling his mother's name, and saying sorry.

When that world, that space that seems to be psychedelic, but is trying to attract me, when I found out for the first time that the throbbing in my heart can really turn into reality, although I didn't see the hidden truth behind it. Endless heartache, endless tears, although I didn't hear it, how many people, in the process of pursuing it, were scarred and lonely for the rest of their lives.But I stepped in without hesitation, and I saw a pair of thick hands, and he held me.Those miracles that I thought would happen after countless springs, summers, autumns and winters have bound me so quickly.He also said that I was his whole world...

Wearing a majestic and generous uniform, he always looks serious but reveals endless kindness in his bones.He smiled at me and said to me that I was his whole world, so there was a voice in my heart that penetrated everything, even those infinite hopes and infinite despair were all gone at that moment. He was my life when it came to naught.

I should be thankful that that real smile really belongs to me.However, behind the smile, I don't know how many things I have to endure before I can be calm, like my mother's voice.Eternal and dripping.

His name is Lao Cao, he asked me to call him uncle, he said he liked it very much when I called him, the voice made his body fall into endless lingering, but he still had the strength to hold my face and kiss it, to touch.

The love that has been hidden for thousands of years and indulged in for thousands of years, I have never asked God why it is my turn in this life, there is no redeeming soul, because they are all pure white, but they have not held hands frankly, Because all of that is still the same as in the human world for thousands of years, with undeniable mistakes and helplessness, never conforming to ethics and desires.

But I really want to hold Lao Cao's hand and walk to the end of the world.

The shadow of Lao Cao is becoming more and more blurred in my life. He will never be able to hold my head and kiss deeply like Kuang Li in the busy market surrounded by crowds, let alone like the passers-by at the moment, The sound of applause for our sudden move.

"I want to be your wife!" When she said this, I laughed, wryly, and fearfully.I ran without looking back, I don't want to hear that voice, never.

Only I know the weight of Lao Cao's birth in my life, and it is so heavy that I can't even bear it.So I simply thought, just make him happy.So, even when I saw him happily chatting and laughing with that big star at home, I just laughed.

"What's wrong with you?" Lao Cao saw me smiling and crying, and felt very distressed, really distressed.I can only look at him and shake my head. What is he thinking in his heart at this moment? He just wanted to, but when that girl appeared at our door, panting and chasing after me and loudly saying that he likes me, Lao Cao was powerless. Sitting slumped on the sofa.Han Yongzhe looked into his eyes, a little hazy and a little sparkle.He didn't feel strange or puzzled by the confession of an ugly boy by a very nice girl in front of him, but just stared at Lao Cao.

When my eyes turned to look at Lao Cao, Lao Cao's expression was stiff.

"I'm sorry..." I can only say these three words to that girl.But it seems that it has no effect on her, "Don't say that, I know you just can't stand you like this, but I don't care at all, I love you, Zicheng, I'm in front of your uncle, even if In front of him, I want to say the same!" She didn't know how much courage she had, and I don't think there will be another one in this world with such courage.Absolutely never again.However, she didn't know what kind of disaster such courage would bring, and it was even more impossible for her to know that the person who sat on the sofa and said she loved me right in front of him was not my father. Simple.

Lao Cao laughed, very surprised, "Young people nowadays are more and more surprising. Hehe...hehe..." The appearance of Han Yongzhe did not attract much attention from Kuang Li and me, we should have screamed Woke up, but at this moment, we seemed to have forgotten everything. The only thing I was paying attention to at the moment was Lao Cao, and Kuang Li mistakenly took a fancy to me.Han Yongzhe, why he is sitting in this place is not important anymore.Only Cao Wenxi, who suddenly rushed in from the door, saw the scene in front of her, especially the big star sitting on the sofa, she was so frightened that all the vases and shopping bags she just bought fell on the ground. On the ground, the sound of the vase breaking made everyone in the room tangled up their hearts.

Cheng'er, your own happiness should be in your hands.At night, Lao Cao smoked for a long time, after Cao Wenxi frantically took Han Yongzhe out.I don't care at all how that sister will go crazy in front of her favorite star, I only care about this man who has been silent in front of me all afternoon, smoking a cigarette.When he said that, I just wanted to cry.

"Aren't you my happiness, uncle?"

"Really?" Old Cao's eyes were full of longing, but he didn't dare to come and hug me.Let me cry alone. "But I can't... I... I... I can't... harm you!"

He finally said that sentence, that sentence seemed to be the truth, the eternal truth.

"It's time for you to find a good girl." When Lao Cao said this, he was so calm and composed that I couldn't imagine. "You are like this now, that girl still likes you so much, what's wrong!"

"How am I? Uncle..." I can only cry, at this moment I can only cry.

"Don't you really want to, don't want to be with a girl peacefully, live a life, a few years, decades, will pass quickly, there will be no one again, there is Wenxi, there is Xing'er, and I don't even know if I will be with you in the future What happens, there are no more troubles and embarrassments."

"So do you feel tired, Uncle?" I have never felt so heartbroken until today, after Lao Cao said these words, I suddenly felt that the dead Yang Xing was very pitiful, really pitiful.

Maybe there will be no chance to say that sentence again in the future. Before he has time to ask me, do I really want to be with him for the rest of my life? He could ask at any time, and the answer at any time is very clear and certain.But he brought this confusion that shouldn't be confusion to destroy my last line of defense.

I am like this, like this, what is enough to have, why should I have it.I was like a happy person, before my senior year of college was about to graduate, at the age of 23, I was getting married