our psalms

Always asking why it's not fair, why it always hurts.Why do so many setbacks come to me.Why, I still can't get rid of that unethical emotion that was cast aside by the world.Do I really know what love is?

Some people say that love is not possession, even if he can always be by your side, but you asked him, is he happy?

Some people say that love is giving, but why, after working so hard, the result is always disappointment again and again.

You have to hold his hand a few times before you can really return to his embrace, and you can hold his hand a few more times before you can make him happy.As for myself, it doesn't matter what I want.Suddenly, something I had always believed in was shaken at an inconspicuous moment. Maybe I was right to insist that Lao Cao's love for me was so perfect and impeccable, but I never seriously thought about it. For him, a person who is much, much older than me, a person I call an uncle, what is his interpretation of love, and what posture should the love he approves appear in life.Whether it is or not, at least he must be tired from going back and forth through the storm like this.

I am really in pain, but I don't want him to know at all, because I know that he will be in more pain than me.I stretched out my hand as much as I could, and when I was able to hold his rough and strong hand, I felt that he was sleeping peacefully beside me, never thinking about the pain and helplessness that may or may not be there, I am relieved.

Uncle, I really want to be by your side all the time, why God gave me such a desire, but made me unable to see where the way to go is.

I often see outside the glass window, Uncle He, the military doctor who has selflessly helped me save me many times. The sleeping father and son, but he couldn't see that the pair of eyes under the pure white bandages were also watching him silently, watching him look at the window and weeping, watching his doubtful and sometimes firm sigh at that time , watching him look at the ceiling with praying eyes, his lips trembled slightly, and he said those few words: Save that child...

I don't know how long it took, but I was finally able to get out of bed and walk around.Although my face is still covered with a thick layer of cloth, I can still feel the warm sunshine outside with my eyes, breathe the refreshing air with my nose, and feel the rhythm of my existence in this world with my heart .

There is a large open-air square under the inpatient building of the hospital, surrounded by many flowers, plants and trees. Walking on the thick green grass, the soft feeling makes people feel as if they are on a big cotton bag without borders. The sun was spreading unrestrainedly on my body, just like the warmth when Lao Cao hugged me tightly in his arms in the cold dark night.Finally, I can not think about anything, I don’t think about it, I thought that after using the so-called antidote, I would either change back to the original appearance, as Lao Cao once said, incomparably handsome and cute, and the one who occupied His Han Yongzhe had to fight to the death to win back his true love.Because I believed that Lao Cao would definitely love me, the incomparably handsome and lovely Cheng'er he had said, and not this ugly man whose appearance was vague, so I did that.When the matter developed to the present, the medicine didn't seem to have the effect I wanted, but it seemed to get worse, but he came back, but he rejected the star who was attracting attention without any hesitation, and returned to a place where people were more attracted to. Beside an ugly and uglier man, I lamented that my belief was so firm, but when it was so correct, I was very puzzled and did not understand what kind of power it was. I thought it would not be so easy. Why was he still so ugly when I was still ugly? came back.Is this love?

It's fatherly love, I often think so.Maybe I have subtly become a responsibility and a habit of Lao Cao.I don't want to believe that it's love, at least at this time, I still don't want to believe that a man as perfect as him has any obligation to guard a love that is incomplete and meaningless, love without restraint, but it is Restricted affection.However, it is enough, now I am always so easy to be satisfied, even if I lie quietly in the sun alone, thinking that I am at least Lao Cao's baby, I can be very happy, very happy.

To love someone is to find his happiness for him. If it is not yourself, let him go and let him be free.I realized this truth by myself. Fortunately, even if I let him go now, he will still be by my side. The only thing I am afraid of is that I cannot see his appearance or hear his voice. .

God, will you forgive me for being so capricious and selfish?

He came, just when I didn't notice, I remember that he used to always appear in front of me suddenly, it was very annoying not to say this or that, or look at me tenderly, with those words Habitual kisses and hugs make people plunge into endless happiness and satisfaction at once.But now, the biggest effect of his appearance is undoubtedly to calm down and settle down a heart that has suffered from worries.

"How can I sleep here without recovering from my illness and not afraid of catching a cold?" He was always so energetic and airy in his work uniform.It can be seen that during this time, it has become his habit to rush to the hospital as soon as possible after work.I smiled at him, although all he could see was a pair of squinting eyes.He slowly picked me up and helped me walk on the path in the garden, while walking, he began to chatter familiarly and kindly.

"If you're sick, you have to be obedient and tell you not to come out too often. It's windy outside, so it doesn't make people worry at all..."

"But the doctor said, I can come out for a walk once in a while, right?" It’s annoying to wake up, and now it’s time to take medicine, I don’t want to see you outside when I come at noon next time.” He took off his police cap and put it on my head Said it was windy.

"I'm not going to be so exaggerated. I'm not a grandpa in his decades."

"What's the difference between you and the old man now, dead child, always being stupid!"

"Would it bother you, Uncle?"

"Annoying, why not annoying!" Lao Cao said, suddenly smiled sweetly and hugged me in his arms, "Who told you that you are my baby!"

I lowered my head and asked him with tears of grievance: "Then why, why do you still do that..." He didn't speak, every time I asked this question, he didn't speak, just looked at me silently Laugh, then wipe my tears.I think, this answer, even if he doesn't say it, I will understand it, and I will understand it sooner or later.

When he was about to reach the downstairs of the hospital, on the long stairs, there was a sharp gaze looking this way.I noticed that when Lao Cao raised his head and followed my gaze, there was a look of surprise on his face.

Standing opposite is a neatly dressed boy in sportswear. He has very short hair and a pair of big eyes. It is easy for people to see the tears in his eyes. He is so wronged. So bitter.He looked younger than me before, with a childish and unwilling face.At that time, Lao Cao spit out a few words from his mouth: "Why are you here?"

"I finally found you, uncle..." When the boy yelled like that, I almost fainted. I may have experienced many unacceptable facts and shocks, but the appearance of this boy at this moment is still It really took me by surprise.

Lao Cao's legs twitched a few times, he let go of my arm and walked in front of the child, and asked him with pity and questioning tone: "Didn't we agree, why are you still..."

"I still found you. Are you a policeman?" He looked at the uniform badge of Lao Cao and said, "I just miss you very much. I'm sorry, did I cause you any trouble?" He turned around and walked out without saying a word .

"Stop!" Lao Cao called to him, "How did you come here, how did you find it so far, and do you know how to get back?"

"I know, I just want to take a look at you. If I see it, it's good!" The boy smiled, but his eyes were filled with tears, "You must be happy, uncle!"

In Lao Cao's eyes, there was strong guilt and confusion. He looked at me and then at him again, "Have you been tired of eating?" tears.

"Then let's eat together!" Lao Cao looked at me when he said this, "I'll find a way to send you back to Shanghai later, okay?"

"No need!" He refused embarrassingly but reluctantly.

I was silent for a long, long time.Suddenly I said: "Go and eat!" I said suddenly uncomfortable, "Leave me alone!" After I finished speaking, I shook my hands and left.Full of doubts and disappointments, many thoughts and beliefs are changing unconsciously.Lao Cao called my name loudly, and I left without looking back.He didn't catch me like he used to