father - home

The flower house is a glass building on the east side of the main building.As far as I remember, no flowers have been planted here, but some vegetables will be planted after autumn.At the end of the war, most of the glass was broken, and there were not so many plastic sheets to replace it. Without the function of heat preservation, the greenhouse was basically abandoned and became a place for storing sundries.Now here, not only has it been renovated, it has been inlaid with double-layer vacuum glass, and hot water pipes have also been laid in the house.Coming in from the cool environment in early autumn outside, you will feel a rush of heat, and after a while, your forehead will be slightly sweaty.

He was lying on a thickly cushioned and soft couch among blooming orchids, and fell asleep.I came to him and looked at him carefully.He was wearing a beige wool hat, and he couldn't see the smooth blonde hair with a satin-like luster.Because of the sunken eye sockets and cheeks, the tall nose is a bit abrupt, and it is no longer perfectly coordinated.Maybe it was too thin, the original plump and red lips were shrunk, and there were many vertical lines, looking like an old witch in a fairy tale.And the once white to transparent skin was covered with a layer of dark gray, which was the color of death, cold, corrupt, and lifeless.The neck with exposed veins, connected to the thin body, can hardly be felt under the blanket.Was such a frail, dying old man the same tall, strong, perfect man who had once been?Is it the father that I fear and look forward to all the time?Is that the devil that makes me feel the breath of death every time it appears?I am a neurosurgeon. I have seen many patients and deaths, but I never thought that diseases can torture people to such an extent.He is only 54 years old, not old!My heart should be very hard, otherwise I would not be able to be a doctor, but at this time I was a little choked up, which is not common.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm down the sadness in my heart.I don't want to see him again, still the same, with indifferent blue eyes, black SS uniform, horrible skull logo, accurate to lifeless appearance.Still the same, the eyes dodge when staring, there is no warmth when caressing, no nostalgia when leaving, and it is difficult to find joy when getting together.I quickly opened my eyes, afraid to see it again, but it was too late, I heard the ear-piercing roar again, saw the fire-breathing eyes, felt the warmth of my cheeks, and felt the sadness in my heart.

My heart was pounding, an inexplicable weight made me breathless, and the beautiful orchids around me showed their ferocious faces, competing with me for the pitifully small amount of air.I want to break out, escape from death, return to the world, find my relatives, return to the homeland with blue sky, white snow, clear water and red flowers.

I thought it had already passed, seven years is not a short time, no matter how serious the wound is, it can heal.I thought I was grown up and had the courage to face, face him, face a part of my life, the most important part.Although I don't know what it is, although so far, all I feel is darkness, fear and resentment, what else is there?have no idea.If there are only these, is my face worth it?Can I stand it?Am I ready, am I strong enough?

Facing my father, who is already terminally ill, besides those things, isn’t there any tenderness, pity, respect, and love in my heart?Who is to blame?No wonder my father.I thought about it for seven years and thought I figured it out, so I'm back.But I was wrong, once I faced him, I went back to the old way, I still feel the same way.He is still him, and I am still me.

"You're here." Just as I was distracted, my father woke up.His voice was rustling, he was waiting for me, and he would not panic when he saw me.He doesn't want me to see him like this. In front of me, he is always proud, confident and impeccable.

"Sir." I never called him "Father" and he never asked, I thought he didn't care about me.Does he really not care about me?Anyway, it made me feel more comfortable with him when I had to.

"I didn't expect to fall asleep, Joseph should wake me up." He muttered angrily, moving his body with difficulty.

He has one more thing that I hate: everyone who is not satisfied blames Joseph.I couldn't help but replied to him: "He didn't come over. I think the two of us get along and don't need his presence." There was obvious dissatisfaction in my tone.

He glanced at me, no, after waking up, his eyes never left me.It's something I'm not used to.As far as I can remember, he hardly ever looked at me.

"you have grown up."

I waited for the next, ready to confront him.

"Sit down, what are you doing standing up, if you don't know how to go, then go."

I pulled up a folding wooden chair and sat down beside him.

"You're not in a hurry, you still have a girlfriend or boyfriend waiting for you."

It started, and my original feeling was not wrong, thinking that everything was over, but nothing had changed.

"You don't seem to be as bad as you look, and you still have the spirit to ridicule people."

"Am I taunting you? You're old enough to have friends." He stared at me, those eyes on me.The only thing that hasn't changed in him is his eyes, which are still so blue, as cold, deep and shining as the water of Lake Chiem outside the window.

"We just met, are you going to tell me this?"

"Then what do you want me to tell you? Apologize to you? Beg your forgiveness? Hmph!" He sneered. "Why? Because I hit you that day; because I happened to meet you and that, who? Manfred, didn't you? You were doing that thing with him, and I stopped it; because I stopped you and that in time. He eloped even more absurdly; it was because I fulfilled the duties of a father."

I'm already on my feet, clenching my fists amidst his reprimands, which try to raise the volume and eventually turn into screams. "You are not qualified!" I yelled, "What do you say to fulfill the duties of a father, there is no father like you in the world! From childhood to adulthood, except for Christmas and birthdays, you will give me gifts, you have done it for me What? Where was your father when the planes bombed and Joseph pulled me out of the rubble? In the winter of '44 I was seriously ill and had no gas and no horses and Joseph carried me through the snow for 16 Where was your doctor when you went to the doctor? Before the war, when we had to rely on potatoes and carrots to fill our stomachs, where was your cheese, where was your chocolate? After the war, everyone else’s father Go home, even if you are wounded, even if you lose a leg. But you, where are you? Because you committed a crime in the war, you must be punished. I hope you do not come back! I hope you die in In prison! I don't want to have the father of an SS executioner! You know I can't hold my head up in school!"

His face was even paler, and his body was shaking under the blanket, I saw it, but I didn't care, I couldn't control myself anymore.

"School, you sent me to boarding school, which is also your alma mater, and you knew what was waiting for me. You learned to love men there, and they taught me the same. Now that you can know Joseph Love each other and stay together for life, why can't I, why is this a matter of course and right for you, but it is absurd, incest, and outrageous for me. What's wrong with Manfred and I loving each other? Who are we hindering? Hurt Who is it? Father... I hoped you would like him, don't you find that he has smooth golden hair and charming blue eyes just like you?"

After saying this, I should feel relieved. My pain needs someone to share. Father, you are the only suitable person.

"Shut up! Heinz!" Joseph rushed over, pushed me away, and picked up my father, who was tilted to one side as he struggled and trembled. "Heinz, how could you do this to him?"

Joseph's painful cries woke me up like a hammer.What's wrong with me?I stood there blankly, my father's face was blue and purple, his mouth was open and he was panting, the woolen hat fell to the ground, the original beautiful blond hair was gone, only a few sparse gray and white fluff remained.I don't feel a little regretful, am I being too cruel, what's the point of saying this now?