father - home

I took everything off the bed, helped Zhao lie down, and only put an extra pillow behind his head, and then sat down on the edge of the bed. "Zhao, if you don't mind, can you tell me what happened?"

Zhao did not hesitate at all, and immediately nodded repeatedly.

I breathed a sigh of relief, Zhao needs to confide in others, and he has held it in for too long.

"In the early morning of that day, I waited for a long time in the snow. I said to myself, today is the last chance. If the snow stops, it means that what I do is still meaningful. If it doesn't stop, then let everything go Let's end here."

"END!?" I repeated incredulously, "You mean..."

"Yes, I really hoped then. If I don't heed the warning, the Sentinel will help me end it all."

God!I didn't expect the fact to be so cruel, I felt dizzy and stared at Zhao with wide eyes.Although there is deep and unresolved sadness in his eyes, his face is calm. I am sure that Zhao no longer has the thoughts of that time.

"The snow really stopped later." Unexpectedly, this turned out to be the key.

"So, I looked forward to the sunrise again. If I can wear the morning glow of that day, I will be so happy."

"Why do you have to wait for the sunrise? The snow has just stopped, and you know the sun won't come out right away."

"Because this is really the last time for me."

"What last time?"

"Watch the sunrise!"

I opened my mouth wide, but I didn't say "ah".

Zhao smiled at me.I don't know if it's because the smile is too beautiful, or the tears are shining in the smiling eyes, I just want to cry. "This is a privilege I reserve for myself, for myself alone. When I lose everything, freedom, dignity, I still have it - the morning glow every day. When I stand on the empty playground, welcome At the dawn of that day, with that ray of light, I owned the whole world, a bright, warm, pure, and beautiful world. I didn’t lose money, and I made money, but that day was the last time.”

"If I don't come, are you really going to wait until the Sentinels help you end this?"

"Yes."

"Why? Since it is bright, warm, pure and beautiful, why leave it?" I grabbed Zhao's arm and shouted.

"I'm tired! If I tell you that I'm tired, can you accept it?"

Zhao's voice was not loud, but it shocked me so much that I couldn't tell where I was going.I shook my head, speechless.

"I am not afraid of tiredness, suffering, or sacrifice, but everything must be meaningful and worthwhile."

"Do you think that all your efforts are worthless?"

"That's what I thought. Fabian is dead, Avran is dead, Ralph is dead, and the little girl. 'I don't kill Boren, Boren died because of me.' If , all my efforts, all my struggles and sacrifices, not only will not save anyone, but will implicate more innocent people, then everything I have done is worthless. In this case, this life, although it will not be lost because of it Become evil, but there is really no reason to exist anymore."

No, that's not true.I cry out for help in my heart.Could it be that, as Ernst said, he was tired, gave up, and collapsed.So, I don't know him well.

"Then what about going home? Home, mother, hometown, did you just give up like this?"

Zhao didn't answer.He couldn't answer at all, the tears in his eyes blurred his vision and blocked his throat.

I should have thought, he was tired and powerless.Why am I so heartbroken?Because I regard him as a god, but in fact he is just a person, an ordinary, 20-year-old boy.

I held Zhao's hand tightly, hoping to give him some strength. "I'm sorry, Zhao."

"why?"

"It would be fine if I called you to stop that day."

A grateful smile appeared on the corner of Zhao's mouth. To me, it was tolerance.

"No, you saved me that day."

"Could it be that after that, you gave up the idea of ​​committing suicide?"

"Everyone knows that death is the easiest thing in a concentration camp." Zhao smiled wryly, "but it was so difficult for me. I thought that as soon as I got to the barbed wire, the sentries would shoot me dead." or, as Shenk said, the Hammers will not let me go. No matter how I die, whether I am shot or tortured to death, I will die anyway.”

I held Zhao's hand even tighter, for fear that if I let go, I would lose him. "Sorrow, there is nothing greater than the death of one's heart." Could it be that his heart was already dead at that time?

"But they didn't give me any chance. They sent people to watch me every hour of the day from morning to night. On the first day, I tried to escape from their custody, but failed; on the second day, I I can't run anymore. So that's it, I think, if I endure it for a few more days at most, I will die. After I die, I will be pushed into the crematorium, and nothing will be left behind.

"That night, I was in a trance and felt a bit of coolness. I barely opened my eyes, and in front of my eyes were the dim and flickering lights on the small roof; then there were familiar and unfamiliar faces; Xingdou. Tomorrow will be a sunny day, and there will be a sunrise. Unfortunately, I will never be able to stand on the playground again. I can’t help but feel a little sorry, but when I think about it, I will be relieved immediately, and I feel relieved. Later, someone lifted me up My head, feed me water. At that time, my whole body was in pain and my body was on fire. This cold water was like nectar to me. I drank greedily and desperately. I drank too fast and choked, making me unable to breathe. The man untied my hands from the bed frame, helped me up, patted my back, and wiped my face clean. I want to thank him. He said: If you know, I have been looking forward to you Death, even if you have to kill you with your own hands, will you still thank me? Only then did I see clearly that the man was Gabriel."

What happened that night, I feel like I'm suffocating.

Zhao continued: "'I know.' I said.

'what do you know? ' asked Gabriel.

'I know you put the blanket on me that day, I wasn't asleep. '

'Then why don't you move at all, and don't tell me? '

'If what I have suffered can assuage your hatred, I will. '

'If watching you suffer is not enough, I will kill you with my own hands, are you willing? '

'willing. '

'God!Who are you?You are driving me crazy. '

Gabriel was very excited, and he took out a piece of paper from his arms, which was this painting. 'Do you recognize this? 'he asks.

I nod.That day, I saw Fabian draw this, and Fabian started to say that he would give it to me when he finished the painting, but then he put the painting away, and I didn't ask.

'Did you know Fabian was giving it to you? '

'Know. '

'but I do not know.Fabian asked me to write Lermontov's "Sail" in the blank space above, but he said he couldn't recite it.I didn't understand what he meant at the time, and I wrote it.I found out later that he was going to give it to you.Can you understand my mood at that time?I have been with Fabian for more than two years, how much we love each other, he has always only had me in his eyes, until you appeared.I'm jealous, I resent.But please believe me, if it is really Fabian's choice, I will only bless him and bless you all.But you betrayed him, and you let him die so painfully, so miserably.I couldn't even look at him until he was dying. Do you know how painful it is for me?Therefore, it is not enough to let you suffer a little bit, you should also taste his torment.Hatred is not always a bad thing, it can give people the courage to live.I just endured long, lonely nights with hatred, and finally waited for this day.I don't know what you did to make Shenk abandon you and throw you to the hammer.I finally got my chance for revenge. '

Yes, what a terrible thing hatred is, it can turn a man into a devil.On the first day, Gabriel was the most vicious demon of all, but on the second day, I could only glimpse him from afar.

'Hi!Why do you close your eyes, do you despise me or pity me? ... I also despise myself.I thought that after torturing you, my heart would be at peace, but that's not the case at all.As soon as I close my eyes, I see Fabian, there is no love in his eyes, only contempt, but resentment, before, now, I don't know what happened?Tell me, what should I do? '

Gabriel shook me so hard that I was in so much pain that I was about to collapse.I wanted to say something to comfort him, but I was too tired to speak at all.

'All right!Now that I've reached this point, I can't control that much anymore. ' Gabriel took out a shard of glass. 'Do you know this? '

I can't see clearly, but I can guess.

'This is a shard of Fabian's glasses, which I have always treasured.Today, I'm going to kill you with it and kill myself. '

After a lot of effort, I finally said: 'Why? '

Gabriel looked at me, calm, and it felt strange to think about what he was saying.Or, he's already made up his mind. 'If I don't kill you myself, I can't give myself an explanation.Before I go to see Fabian, I have to do something last for him.If Fabian really likes you, I can't let him be alone, and I shouldn't let you suffer here anymore. '

Probably due to pain and exhaustion, I had been slow to respond to Gabriel's words, but then I suddenly gained strength.I jumped up, grabbed the shard of glasses from Gabriel's hand, and swiped at my wrist.

Gabriel was terrified of me, he yelled, 'What are you doing? 'Grab my wrist.

I think what I ended up saying was: 'Now you can't kill me.You should live well.Fabian loves you. '"

Zhao stopped and took a breath. "I thought it was finally over, but I was woken up by voices and footsteps. I opened my eyes, and the sun was shining into the barracks. Friends in distress also have shadows, but these shadows are moving.

Why is that shadow so big that it almost covers the entire window.Ah, it's a person, a fellow sufferer, why does he move around, but never leave his original position.No, he was still very tall, so tall that his head almost touched the beams of the house.I finally saw it: it was Gabriel, not standing there, but hanging, hanging from the beams.Every time the prisoners passed him, they would touch his legs, and he would dangle there.

I wanted to call for help, but I couldn't see the faces coming and going, and I couldn't hear my own voice.I struggled to get to my feet and moved over by the bed frame, finally catching him.I want to hug his leg and lift it up.I think I did nothing and fell down. "

A buddy was hanged from a beam, and everyone ignored it, they didn't want to bother to put the body down, they didn't have the time, they walked around the body, washed, and ate, they didn't care because they I am a walking corpse, and I have one breath more than the corpse.The sun came out, and the densely packed bedsteads blocked the sunlight. The sun could not shine into the depths of the barracks, nor could it shine into the hearts of the prisoners.

I wiped the tears from Zhao's face with gauze. "The real light is by no means never without darkness, but never being covered by darkness. A real hero is never never without humble sentiments, but never succumbing to humble sentiments." (Note: Fu Lei wrote Dedicated to the translator of "John Christophe".) While deeply feeling Zhao's pain and despair, there is also a little consolation: in Zhao's jade-like warm and clear eyes, the flame of life has never extinguished too.

Zhao grabbed my hand and suddenly asked, "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Me?" Facing Shang Zhao's sincere and open eyes, it was difficult for me to answer for a while.Say I love him?Like him since the first time I saw him on the platform of the Berlin train station?To say that I'm a real gay, and so is he, so I've always had crazy thoughts about him?No!no!My gut tells me now is not the time.Not only worried that Zhao would refuse, but also worried that he would hurt him again.

"Why do you ask?"

"Ellen and the others have told me that if it wasn't for you, I would have died countless times."

"Aren't you willing? If this goes against your wishes, I really... have to ask you to forgive me."

"No, Marty, I mean, I once had the idea of ​​suicide, which is shameful in your conception."

"Yes, you are right. But you didn't, Zhao, you never really committed suicide, you were just tired. Didn't you? You have been waiting for the sunrise, waiting for hope. That night, you robbed Fabio Ann's glasses, cut his own wrist, not suicide, but to save Gabriel. Gabriel said that only by killing you with his own hands, can he go to see Fabian with peace of mind. So since he failed to kill you with his own hands , he can’t die. That’s what you thought at the time. Also, do you think that if you really want to die, with my strength, can we save you? Our doctors can only cure diseases, but not lives. If You want to die with all your heart, even a god is powerless."

"So……"

"Then from now on, you will no longer be alone. No matter how tired or hard you are, you will have friends, relatives, and me."

"Thank you, Marty. Whether or not I've ever had thoughts of suicide, I'll never have them again, ever. One death is enough for a person, and I've been on the verge of death so many times. I know that my life now is not mine alone, and even if I have this thought again, I have no right to do so."

Not knowing whether to be relieved or sad, I nodded vigorously and put Zhao's hand on my heart.