withered color

Statements are annoying and silly.

"...What avocado...is that one?"

He got up slightly and looked at Xu Liangyun in disbelief: "When we just graduated and moved out to live together, you took me to the playground, and I said I wanted that avocado...that thing is in the shooting range, so you just go away I shot it down in the past, you shot it down with one shot, you..."

The statement is tired of speaking incoherently, and the more I speak, the more anxious I become.

But Xu Liangyun's expression became more and more dazed, as if he was listening to a familiar story with no beginning and no end.

Statement tired slowly speechless.

Looking at Xu Liangyun, he felt as if he was being drenched from head to toe by a basin of cold water, and his whole body became icy cold.

Stated that his Adam's apple twitched slightly, and asked softly, "You...don't you remember?"

His voice was trembling.

Xu Liangyun's eyes froze, and he suddenly panicked.

He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but he hesitated when the words came to his mouth, finally he had nothing to say, he just lowered his head, pursed his lips, and nodded with difficulty and heavy.

Xu Liangyun said in a deep voice, "I'm sorry."

Statements: "..."

Chen Yan looked at Xu Liangyun, and suddenly felt that Xu Liangyun really disappeared that day, as if he had never existed, without leaving any traces, and he couldn't even catch the shadow.

Xu Liangyun really left.He slowly walked away, he disappeared, he may come back, or he may never come back.

desolate.

Empty is full of sadness.

The statement fell silent.

Xu Liangyun lowered his head, not daring to look at him.

Speechless.

Chen Chen looked at him tiredly, and after a while, he suddenly chuckled.

"I forgot." Chen Yan said softly, "Then there is no other way, let's go again later."

Xu Liangyun was taken aback.

He raised his head and looked at Chen Yan, his eyes even more dazed.

Chen Yan looked at him softly, with a smile on his lips.

He leaned over, got into Xu Liangyun's arms, and closed his eyes in his arms as if nothing had happened.

Chen Yan said: "It's time to sleep."

Xu Liangyun subconsciously responded twice, embracing the statement.

"Good night."

"……Good night."

After saying good night to each other, the two didn't speak again.

Statement Yan nestled in Xu Liangyun's arms, and slowly opened his eyes, full of unwillingness to suppress.

He heard Xu Liangyun's heavy breathing, and he knew he couldn't sleep either.

The statement hater knew it all, but he didn't speak.

After a while, Chen Yan suddenly said without thinking: "You will be fine."

Xu Liangyun was silent for a moment, then hummed.

He lowered his head and kissed the statement's forehead.

"Go to sleep." Xu Liangyun said, "I should remember."

He said yes, he wasn't sure.

Statement Yan didn't say anything more, just hummed.

He didn't close his eyes, he opened his eyes and looked in front of him in the darkness.He hugged Xu Liangyun, but felt that he couldn't hug Xu Liangyun at all.

He actually wanted to ask something more, and wanted to ask if he still remembered other things.

But Chen Chen didn't dare to ask, he was afraid that he would get more "I don't remember" from Xu Liangyun.

He was afraid of this sentence.

So a sleepless night.

Xu Liangyun asked for leave and didn't have to go to work the next day, so the two of them slept until they woke up naturally, and it was almost nine o'clock when they woke up.

State that he didn't sleep well, and Xu Liangyun was the same. When they woke up the next day, they both looked tired and yawned profusely.

Xu Liangyun was more serious than statement boredom. When he got up and went to the bathroom to wash, he kept rubbing his neck, and from time to time he clenched his hands into fists and beat the back of his neck.

Chen Yan asked him: "Did you not sleep well? Why did you rub your neck, did you have a stiff neck?"

"No, I just want to rub it." Xu Liangyun withdrew his hand while talking, squeezed the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, and smiled wryly, "You look similar, didn't you go to bed early yesterday?"

"Painters can't get enough sleep." Chen Yan said, "Sleep is too little or too much."

"……really."

They never said that they didn't sleep well, but they all knew it in their hearts.

After a simple wash, the two of them went downstairs to have a slightly late breakfast, and then drove to the hospital.

The hospital in the city center is a tall white building with the name of the hospital in large red characters on the top and the hospital logo next to it.

Xu Liangyun parked the car near the hospital, and led Chen Yan into it.

This hospital is not the hospital where Chen Yan was hospitalized because of the art murder case a few days ago, but the hospital where he was admitted to the ICU five years ago when he almost died.

His memory of this hospital is particularly vivid, as soon as he came in, he was a little bit bound, and the injuries on his hands were aching, so he couldn't help but think that this place hasn't changed much in the past five years.

The two took the elevator to the sixth floor.Statement Yan was dragged around by Xu Liangyun, and finally arrived in front of a door with a sign of "Psychological Consultation Room".

"It's here." Xu Liangyun said.

Chen Yan nodded and said, "Then knock on the door."

Xu Liangyun knocked on the door.

A soft female voice came from inside: "Hey, come in, it's unlocked."

Xu Liangyun pushed the door open and entered.

The psychiatrist is a woman. She is sitting in her seat with a glass of water in her hand.As soon as Chen Yan and Xu Liangyun came in, she raised her head and nodded towards them with a gentle smile on her face.

She looked older, and the corners of her eyes were wrinkled, and her smile made them stand out and make them look beautiful.

People with such a gentle temperament are beautiful no matter what.

"Come here?" The doctor smiled at Xu Liangyun, "You look good."

Xu Liangyun smiled wryly: "I'm not bad."

"It's much better than the last time I saw you," said the doctor. "You were much thinner back then than you are now, and you were frighteningly thin."

When Chen Yan heard this, the corners of his eyebrows twitched slightly.

The doctor tilted his body, saw some statements standing behind Xu Liangyun, and said, "Is this your lover?"

"Yes."

Xu Liangyun turned sideways, looked at Chen Yan, and said, "We're back together, so let's take a look again."

The doctor nodded: "OK."

After finishing speaking, she smiled at the statement again, and said, "Hi, he often mentions you to me."

Thinking about it, gentleness is probably a kind of aura. Standing in front of this psychiatrist, Chen Jian felt a little guilty for some reason.

He nodded, flustered for no reason: "Hello, you have been bothering me these years."

"What are you talking about? This is my job." The doctor chuckled and said, "Come in first and close the door."

The two walked in, and Xu Liangyun closed the door.

The doctor stood up and pointed to a row of sky-blue velvet sofas next to the consultation room: "Sit down, sit down, I'll pour you some water first."

Chen Yan said: "Okay, sorry for your inconvenience."

The doctor said a few words that he was fine and told him to sit down quickly.

Statements are not quite used to it, and some are at a loss, but Xu Liangyun is obviously used to this kind of scene.He took the statement bag, said let's go, and then pulled him to sit over.

The psychological counseling room is different from other wards. The wallpaper here is warm yellow, and even the lighting is warm. There is a healing smell everywhere.

Chen Yan turned his head and asked Xu Liangyun: "You used to come here all the time, didn't you?"

"Well, I came every day at the beginning." Xu Liangyun said, "At first I took medicine, and then I stopped taking medicine for a while. The doctor wanted to give me psychotherapy, but I didn't want to. After half a month of stalemate, I had to go back Medication. After two months of observation, there was no problem, and I never came again."

Chen Yan frowned slightly: "Then why did you skip half a year's class? In Mr. Zhong's circle of friends, you didn't return to the bureau after more than seven months."

Xu Liangyun said: "Afterwards, I will have to do rehabilitation training, and I will also have to do physical recovery after being shot... I will also have to do psychological testing when I return to the system. I was also transferred to the criminal police. A lot of things are messed up, and it took so long."

The statement frowned slightly in disgust.

The doctor came back with two glasses of water.

She put the water on the coffee table in front of the two of them, sat down again, and instead of rushing to get straight to the point and talk about the whole thing, she chatted with them for a while.

She asked them, "How did it come about?"

"I'll drive." Xu Liangyun said.

The doctor nodded, said it was fine, and asked, "Shall we live together now?"

"Live together." Chen Yan answered, "I'm going to move to his house."

"En." The doctor nodded again, and after pondering for a while, he said, "Then let's come one by one first. Mr. Xu, please come with me first. Let's go over there. I'll ask you about your current situation in detail. You can tell your lover later."

While talking, the doctor turned his head and pointed inside. It was a white door—there was actually another room in this psychological consultation room.

"I think it's better to talk about it alone," said the doctor. "Do you think it's okay?"

Of course Xu Liangyun didn't have any objections, and he knew that it must be this kind of development.He nodded and agreed, "Of course."

After finishing speaking, he turned his head to look at Chen Yan and said, "Then I'll go first?"

"Go." Said the statement.

Xu Liangyun followed the doctor away.

After the two of them left, Chen Yan took the water glass and slowly approached the white door step by step—even though he knew that it was a bit immoral to do so, he still couldn't restrain his instincts and sneaked out He pressed his ear to the door, wanting to hear some conversation.

However, the sound insulation effect of this door is very good. I almost flattened my ears when I was tired of speaking, and I didn't hear a single sound.

He had no choice but to give up, sighed, and began to dangle around with the water glass.

The waiting time is always long and torturous.Even if Chen Yan knew that Xu Liangyun was explaining his illness inside, and that it was nothing serious, he still couldn't let it go.

He didn't even bother to look at his phone, his head was full of Xu Liangyun, he always paced back and forth sadly, unable to stand upright.

After suffering like this for nearly an hour, the white door was opened with a click, and Xu Liangyun walked out from inside.

Chen Yan hurriedly put down the water glass, walked over, and asked worriedly, "How are you, are you okay?"

"...That's it." Xu Liangyun smiled wryly, "It's just a one-time discussion, and it won't change much."

"...Oh." The statement became tired, "That's right."

"...it will get better slowly."

Xu Liangyun reached out and touched his face, and said, "I'll wait for you outside, you go in."

"Ah."

"...I don't know what she's going to say, maybe, what she's going to say will be something like that." Xu Liangyun's expression was a little troubled, "Don't worry about it, it's over, I'm fine now."

Chen Yan knew that Xu Liangyun was vaccinating him.

He knew, so he smiled bitterly: "Why don't I care?"

Xu Liangyun was dumbfounded.

He still wants to say something: "I..."

"Don't worry." Chen Yan said, "You are here, I really can't bear it, I can come out and hug you."

Xu Liangyun had nothing to say, so he nodded and said yes, I'll wait for you outside.

Statement Yan stood on tiptoe and rubbed his head, then walked into the room.

This is also a well-furnished room filled with a healing smell.

The doctor is sitting on a single sofa, with a handwriting board on her lap, with dense words on it, and a small white round coffee table next to her, a pen in her hand, and two cups on the coffee table, A bouquet of flowers, on the other side is another armchair.

The doctor beckoned him to come and sit.Chen Yan turned around and closed the door, walked over and sat down.

"I just learned about the situation from your lover." The doctor put his hands together and said, "I don't mean to offend, just to make sure...you don't mean to blame him at all, do you?"

Statement Yan nodded: "I don't blame him."

After finishing speaking, the statement thought about it for half a second, and added: "I didn't blame him at the time, I just blamed him for breaking up with me because of this."

The doctor smiled helplessly: "There's no way, he... wasn't very well at the time."

"I know, so now I don't blame him at all."

"I heard from him that you don't remember the details of that case very clearly, do you?"

"Yes." Statement Yan said, "I only remember a few fragments."

"Okay. This is actually very good, and you don't need to force yourself to think about it. The most important way to treat traumatic stress disorder is to do it step by step. To put it simply, it is to take it slowly. He needs to forget a little bit and come out a little bit. You don't have to do much, just stay with him. Live well, and he will have the psychological hint of 'things are over' and he can come out slowly."

Narrator nodded.

"His current situation is better than before. He wants to come out, but the guilt makes him hesitate. This is okay, you can guide it slowly. It is good if you want to come out, and it will get better in the future Mr. Xu also said that he has memory loss?"

"...Yes." Statement Yan said, "I chatted with him yesterday and found that he doesn't remember what I said at all."

The doctor frowned slightly and said, "Then these five years are worse than I expected."

I was tired of hearing the statement and my heart skipped a beat.

He quickly asked, "What do you mean?"

"I don't know if he has told you in detail. When he came to me for treatment at the beginning, he showed a strong tendency of self-harm and self-harm. The tendency has been suppressed, but his treatment attitude is not very positive, he is unwilling to come out, and in the end he has no choice but to use medicine, so as to suppress the disease and reflect most of the physical symptoms.”

"But from the beginning to the end, he kept thinking about it." The doctor said, "His sense of guilt is very high, and keeping thinking about it indicates that he will keep amplifying the negative impact of this incident, which may overshadow There are some memories that may soften the guilt for him when recalled. There is no doubt that these must have something to do with you, Mr. Chen."

Statement Yan: "...Then he, can't he remember?"

"No, it's not amnesia after all." The doctor said, "He can remember it, as long as these negative effects are weakened, he can slowly recall it."

The statement was relieved.

"You can talk to him from time to time, chat more, see what you have forgotten, and then tell him. Don't worry, talk slowly, it will be good for his treatment."

The doctor said: "My suggestion now is to use less medicine. He will forget that part of the reason may be the influence of the medicine. Now try to take one pill in the morning and evening."

The statement was a little worried: "Is it okay, will it be uncontrollable and symptoms will appear?"

"It's very possible, after all, the intensity of the medication has been quite high."

"Then he works..."

The doctor smiled gently: "Don't worry about that. I just told Mr. Xu. I suggested that he take a long vacation and try to treat it at home for a while. He agreed."

Statement Yan was relieved, and asked worriedly: "Then what should I do if he develops symptoms? What should I do?"

"There's nothing you can do but wake him up. When his PTSD kicks in, it pulls you back to where you were five years ago, and you have to call his name, pull him back, and tell him it's over. , Help him take a deep breath, let him calm down, or hold him to prevent him from hurting himself. If the attacks are frequent, then we will add medicine as appropriate, but my personal suggestion is to try not to use medicine.”

Narrator nodded.

The doctor said: "Mr. Xu said that he raised a border shepherd with you?"

"Yes." Chen Yan said, "It was injured recently, and it can be taken home tomorrow."

"That's it. It doesn't matter. Bianmu is very smart, and dogs also have the effect of healing people's hearts. It is helpful for treating diseases."

"it is good."

"That's about it." The doctor said, "Do you have any questions?"

The statement fell silent.

He lowered his eyes, rubbed his hands, and said softly, "It's gone."

"I will take good care of him." Chen Yan said, "Excuse me."

The doctor shook his head lightly and smiled softly: "It's the duty."

When Chen Yan walked out, Xu Liangyun was also pacing back and forth in worry.

It's true that the two of them are not family members who don't enter the house, even the way of waiting for people outside is the same.

As soon as the statement came out, Xu Liangyun rushed over and asked, "How is it?"

"...It's nothing." Chen Yan laughed helplessly, "Why are you like me?"

Xu Liangyun froze for a moment, but didn't realize what it meant to be the same as him.

It took a while for him to understand the meaning of this sentence—his reaction was exactly the same as when the statement annoyed him when he came out, and he was very nervous.

... Is it really true that the family does not enter the house?

Chen Yan walked over, hugged him, and let go quickly.

"Let's go." Chen Yan said, "Did you ask for a long vacation?"

"...Yes." Xu Liangyun said, "Ask for leave for treatment."

"Then go home, go home and watch TV for a while. It's so cold, I want to go home, there is heating at home."

"……it is good."

Chen Chen laughed tiredly, took Xu Liangyun by his side, turned around and said goodbye to the doctor twice, and left the hospital.

As soon as he got out of the psychological consultation room, Statement Yan began to nag: "Shall we go to eat first? Or go home and make something to eat. It's time for lunch. I want to eat something spicy at noon. I want to eat mapo tofu. Let's go back home. Do it yourself or what?"

"It's all right."

"Then I'll go home and make it." Chen Yan said, "I bought tofu yesterday and I have all the ingredients."

"it is good."

"By the way, we can't go home directly. We have to go back to my house to get something for pudding."

"it is good."

"I'll move over in two days, and I'll change your wallpaper by the way."

Xu Liangyun replied: "Okay, you can change it if you want."

"You can say whatever I want." Chen Yan said, "You are so used to me."

Xu Liangyun chuckled lightly: "I've always been like this."

Xu Liangyun had always been very used to him and could do anything.

"Then do you remember the day I just started in the second semester of my junior year?" Chen Yan said, "When the new semester started, I had to buy new painting utensils, so you went shopping with me. I bought a few things, you help me Carry it and ask me what else I want to buy."

"I said I have to go to a special store to buy an oil painting frame, you said buy it. I said I have to go to another store to look at paints, you said go. I said I also want to look at steam eye masks, you can't stand it, you say Go, buy, you can do it, I can do it, I will accompany you, I will take you back to school and send you to the dormitory in a while, don't talk about it, just take me away."

"I remember." Xu Liangyun smiled helplessly, "You bought a big picture frame back then, and you still felt sorry for me. You didn't let me take it, but you took it all the way by yourself."

Chen Yan also smiled: "You remember."

"I remember, but I can't remember some things." Xu Liangyun said, "I also remember what you said last night. I remember that I went to the amusement park with you, but I only remember going there, and I have no memory of what I did. It's like a broken piece."

"It's okay." Chen Yan said, "It's still a long time between us, I'll tell you if I forgot."

"Ah."

While talking, the two walked to the hospital elevator.

Statement Yan stretched out his hand and pressed the down button.

After pressing the button, Chen Yan slowly withdrew his hand.

He raised his head: "Liang Yun."

"Ok?"

"You should be happier." Chen Yan said, "I will make mapo tofu for you at noon, and I will accompany you in the afternoon. You should be happier."

Statement tired of looking at Xu Liangyun.

His lover, who was once rebellious and dazzling like a scorching sun, is now so skinny.Chen Yan never thought about dying before, but one day he would tell Xu Liangyun, who was smiling at him every day, that you should be happier.

He also never thought that when Xu Liangyun heard this one day, he would have a hesitant and stiff expression on his face.

Narrator knows what he's thinking.

"I know what you're thinking." He said, "Don't feel guilty about me, I don't need this kind of fairness. It's not you who are unfair to me, but Ye Xia."

"Forget it, it's not unfair to me to forget it."

come back.

State your disgust, come back.

Give him back to me.

Give me back that Xu Liangyun who ran over with a black umbrella and said he loves me in the torrential rain 11 years ago.

The passionate, sincere, brave, youthful, frivolous and rebellious soul that can be described in all the fiery languages ​​​​in this world——

give me back.

Don't let him sink in the abyss of injustice for a long time without sinking to the bottom.

Let him go ashore, let him see the light, as he did to me.

Statements are boring.

Xu Liangyun always thought that he couldn't go back.Xu Liangyun would be sad when he said this.

He had no choice but to say: "I don't want this kind of fairness, I want Xu Liangyun to be happy."

as happy as ever.