Unspoken "I love you"

In the evening, my mother told me to go downstairs to eat, and I did so. I sat down at the dining table, and my mother went to wash up. If she didn’t come, I wouldn’t dare to eat.

My mother came out of the bathroom, sat at the dining table, picked up a few green vegetable leaves with chopsticks, put them in her mouth to chew, looked up at me after swallowing, took a bite of vegetable, and asked me: "Why not, just See if I can hug you?"

I think she is very strange these days. She didn't force me into the house to study as soon as school was over. I was very curious and asked her: "Mom, why haven't you forced me to study these few days?"

My mother didn't speak, took a bite of the rice, and after chewing, said: "I don't force you, you don't like it?"

"No, I just feel that you are very strange. You have never been like this before. Even if I have a fever and get sick, you still force me." I said casually that I was not sure that I could say everything I wanted to say.

My mother put down the bowl and asked me seriously why I cried so much that day.

Yes, ever since I fainted from crying until I recovered, my mother never asked me why, and now she can't help it anymore.

"It's nothing, but I feel very uncomfortable in my heart, and my throat is very choked. I couldn't help it, so I cried."

I told the reason, but my mother kept asking me, "Why is it uncomfortable?" It seemed that if I didn't tell the reason, she would not let me go.

Since she wants to listen to me, tell her all the words I hold in my heart...

After listening to it, my mother slapped the table angrily and quarreled with me.My eye sockets were once again wet with memories.

"I did that, wasn't it for your study, wasn't it for your future?!" She yelled at me, it seemed that today was another restless night.

"I know you are me but I'm good, but is it necessary for you to push me so tight?!" I couldn't help it, and quarreled with my mother: "The parents of that family pushed the child so hard!"

"I got the first place in the class! Is there anything you are not satisfied with!"

"What can I do to satisfy you?!"

"What can I do to meet your standards?!"

"I don't know! Please tell me what is good enough to be seen by you!!"

This time, this is the most intense argument I've ever had with her...

"My future, what will my future look like, do I need you to control it?!"

"Have you considered my feelings?!" I didn't know why, and I cried out after arguing.

"What do I want! Do I need you to tell me whether my future is as I wish?!!!"

"I have the right to control my future and my future!!"

It was also the first time my mother saw me like this. My mother used to say what I did, but now it has become like this, and my mother panicked when she saw it.

"You calm down."

"Mom doesn't want to quarrel with you."

She said calm down?I really can't control my current emotions, "What bullshit emotions! I can't control them!" I slapped the table with one hand.

"You need to calm down, go back to the room first, we'll talk after we've calmed down." It's so strange, I'm so angry, she's still not angry...

I went back to the room, squatted in the corner, took out the earphones, and listened to the song "Ephemeral Memories" that I have been listening to recently. This song is pure music, without lyrics, and it is very healing. It is best to listen to it when you have troubles .

I felt that when I was almost calm, I climbed onto the bed and wrapped my whole body in the quilt, which gave me a sense of security.

Open Baidu and put my current emotional state on it: I can’t concentrate, I’m not interested in things that others find interesting, I often feel depressed, I feel uncomfortable and want to lose my temper.

I searched, and it showed "depression" and my heart suddenly jumped. "Depression" is impossible. How could I get depression? !

I searched a few more times in a row, and they all showed the same: the early symptoms of depression are usually not obvious, and even on the surface there is no obvious difference from when they are in a good state. Some people may have depression, lack of interest, and decline in physical function, etc. .

1. Depressed mood: persistently unhappy, unable to be happy for most of the week.

2. Lack of interest: I feel that I am not interested in anything, and I am not interested in what I liked to do before.Negative thoughts, self-blame and guilt.

3. Decreased physiological function: feeling tired and do not want to move, loss of appetite and sexual desire, sleep disorders such as insomnia, early awakening, etc.

4. Others: There may also be symptoms of decreased concentration and memory than before, and slightly affected work and study efficiency.

Early symptoms of depression are often seen as a reasonable response to stress and a busy life, such as waking up early, feeling tired, diminished interest in things, difficulty concentrating, losing temper over trivial matters, and Relationship sensitivity or social avoidance, negative thoughts, poor appetite, etc.

Isn't this the symptom of the disease? !I have depression? !I can't believe it, I can't sit still, and when I think of my mother being careful with me these days, I start to get scared.

I ran downstairs and asked my mother, I was so panicked, and before I got to my mother, I said, "Mom! What did the doctor tell you when I fainted?!"

My mother's pupils dilated first, then she regained her composure, and said to me, "I didn't say anything, what can I say?"

"Just tell me that you cried too hard and were too sad, which caused it. Just pay more attention to rest later."

"You lied to me... Am I depressed??"

"You tell me!"

"is not it!"

My mother didn't speak, she lowered her head and didn't know what she was thinking, and finally she couldn't help me and said to me, "The doctor said that you have a psychological problem, but didn't say what it is. Let me tell you to pay more attention to your emotions."

"Don't always be angry."

"Mom, take me to the hospital, take me for a checkup, I don't want to suffer from depression..." I didn't want to live as if a big rock was blocked in my heart.

It's meaningless, I want to be like them, to be happy every day, as if I don't have any troubles all day long, I want that too...

My mother said: "Okay... I will ask the teacher for leave tomorrow, and I will take you there... Go back to your room and sleep first, don't stay up late."

I went back to the room erratically, found Cheng Xinyu’s WeChat, and sent her a message. I wanted to tell her about my situation, not to make her worry about me, but to comfort her. I'm calm, it's Cheng Xinyu.

"At the same table, I seem to be suffering from depression..."

"I'm not feeling well, it's hard..."

"I... want to cry..."

Cheng Xinyu seems to be online all the time, I sent her a message from here, and she replied to me in the next second, a voice message.

"Don't think too much, just cry if you want to cry, and tell me if you feel unhappy, I'll listen." It was still the familiar voice, after all I couldn't hold back after listening to it, and cried out, this time I The sound is not very loud, and the sound insulation in my room is okay, as long as you don't shout loudly, you can hardly hear it from outside.

After a while, there was another message.

"I'm here."

"You said."

I texted her back, and I could feel it, my whole body was shaking, my hands were shaking, "Thank you for listening to me."

But in a second the message came, "Tomorrow I will ask for leave to accompany you to the hospital."

"it's OK?"

I didn't care about it, and replied "OK." I only felt a strong sense of oppression when I was with my mother.

I found my mother's WeChat and sent her a message, "Mom, Cheng Xinyu said to accompany me tomorrow, so you don't have to go."

My mother is following me now. If I say now that I will not go to school this week, my mother will agree now.

"Okay. I will send you some money. After the inspection, go out to play and relax."

I read the news and received the transfer from my mother, put on the earphones and listened to the song, and fell asleep unconsciously.

I woke up several times at night, and I didn't fall asleep until it was almost dawn, and now I was woken up by the alarm clock at five o'clock, I turned off the alarm clock, and fell asleep on the bed for a while.

At seven o’clock, I woke up again. I woke up with a nightmare. I watched the video for a while, and vaguely heard someone talking downstairs. The echo was quite loud, and I could hear it very well in my room. clear.

It seemed to be Cheng Xinyu's voice!How did she find my home? ! !

I hurriedly got up from the bed, thud thump thump—there was a knock on my door, "Xiao Wan?!"

"At the same table! Are you awake? My brother will take you out to play~"

I was in a hurry to find clothes, put them on in a hurry, and went to give them to her, and opened the door. My wife was standing at the door, her figure was so big that she just blocked me.