dedicated to memorial day

It was a very old residential building, and the walls had black cracks under the wind and sun, and the wall skin began to fall off one after another, leaving a few pieces of mottled paint.There are a few old people sitting downstairs, and their conversations can be heard from a long distance away. The topics they talk about are nothing more than trivial matters such as daughters, sons, grandchildren, and so on.

At this age, it seems that there is nothing else to do. To exist is to communicate with others, and to communicate with others can prove its existence.

After all, it was still too lonely.Whether you like to get together or talk about your children, the older you get, the harder it is to fight loneliness, so people sacrifice the freedom of youth, get married and have children and start a family, just to alleviate the vulnerability of loneliness in old age, but now it seems Also had little effect.Loneliness cannot be alleviated, cannot be escaped.

Zhou Yu led Cheng Jingshen up the stairs. In the dark corridor, only the red lacquered wooden handrails were faintly shining, not the lacquer, but the oily gleam. Human grease was covered layer by layer in the daily friction. , making this old wood more shiny, the brighter the older, the older the newer.

After the "wow" key collided, with a "click" sound, the anti-theft door slowly opened with a sharp "beep" sound, and a white room appeared in front of my eyes.

After his mother passed away, Zhou Yu didn’t touch a single thing in the house. Even when he left City A, he just laid out a white cloth, as if as long as the white cloth was removed, the people who left could start all over again, and their lives could be kept intact. continue.

"I'm sorry, I haven't paid the electricity and water bills for a long time. I can't even buy you a cup of tea." Zhou Yu lifted a corner of the cloth covering the sofa, revealing the white linen cushions, "Sit down."

After Cheng Jingshen sat down, Zhou Yu put the red bag in his hand on the coffee table, turned his back to Cheng Jingshen, took out two red candles, two candlesticks, a bunch of daisies, a bag of fruit and a bottle of rice wine, and put the red candles Put it on the candlestick, put the fruit into the fruit plate, pour the rice wine into the wine cup, and put the daisy on the opposite side.

Cheng Jingshen watched Zhou Yu complete these steps in an orderly manner, his movements were very light, except for the sound of plastic bags, there was almost no other sound, as light as a grain of dust returning to the soil.In front of the coffee table is a TV wall, and a huge Chinese knot is hung on the wall. It has been aged for a long time, and a layer of red has faded and a layer of dust has accumulated. It smells dilapidated from the inside out.

"Crack."

The sound of the lighter scraping brought Cheng Jingshen back from his thoughts, and the candles on the candlestick started to burn.Zhou Yu kowtowed three times to the candlestick.Cheng Jingshen also stood up and bowed three times towards the simple sacrificial table. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at Zhou Yu who was kneeling beside him, and watched him pour the rice wine in the wine cup on the ground and fill it up again.Illuminated by the candlelight, the face looked pious and mournful.

The pious and sad face turned around holding the wine cup and asked him, "Drink?"

Cheng Jingshen saw that the wine cup was not connected, Zhou Yu shrugged his shoulders slightly, and drank the wine in the wine cup in one gulp.

Cheng Jingshen was silent for a while, then poured another glass of rice wine on the table on the ground, filled it up, and drank it down.

The two of them spread the white cloth on the floor, sat on the ground, and drank half of the bottle of rice wine in one breath. During this time, no one spoke, just drinking one cup after another.

That's it.No crying, no speculation, no mourning, absolutely silent, but never bleak funeral.

Zhou Yu stood up suddenly.

"What's wrong?" Cheng Jingshen looked up at him.

"Find something." Zhou Yu said, turned and entered the room.

Passing through the gray-red Chinese knot, Cheng Jingshen saw half of Zhou Yu's back, digging through the bookshelf to find something.Although Zhou Yu's expression cannot be seen, his emotions can still be felt from his movements of turning the pages of the book.

When the sound of flipping through the book became louder and louder, Cheng Jingshen got up and walked into the room: "What are you looking for?"

Zhou Yu stuffed the book in his hand back to its original position, put his hands on his hips, looked up at the bookshelf, and said to himself, "Why aren't you here?"

The gentle afterglow that announced the end of summer refracted into the room from the western mountain, and the particles of light dust surged in the air like fine sand.Cheng Jingshen leaned on the window sill, letting the setting sun pass through the pores and blood vessels of his skin, and his whole body became hot. The few ounces of rice wine he had just drank rolled slightly in his stomach, and the smell of the wine rushed to his throat. Cheng Jingshen slapped softly wine burps.

"The lighting here is quite good." Cheng Jingshen said.

Zhou Yu supported the bookshelf and tried to take down all the books on the top of the shelf: "Well, there is a restaurant downstairs, which is sometimes quite noisy. But during the Chinese New Year, you can watch free fireworks."

Cheng Jingshen reached out his hand to help him, and lifted the stack of books, Zhou Yu spread the books on the floor and looked for them one by one.

He continued the topic just now and said: "My mother is afraid of fire, and I am too young, neither of us dare to light fireworks, so we always sit there and watch the fireworks set off by the people downstairs during New Years and festivals. If we are lucky, we can Watch several waves at once."

Zhou Yu suddenly thought that the first time he lit fireworks for his mother seemed to be at her funeral ceremony.Can't help feeling a little sad.

Cheng Jingshen keenly noticed the weirdness in Zhou Yu's words: "Is there no one else in your family?"

"No."

"No?"

"Yes, no. I don't, and neither does my mother." Zhou Yu said without raising his head.

Therefore, Zhou Yu's Yu is indeed the remaining Yu.

He continued: "I don't know where my mother's relatives have gone because she never mentioned it, and as for me... have you ever seen a box with a puppy on the side of the road? A dying puppy babbling on a rainy day Please help, you can’t touch that kind of puppy, because it’s wet, and you’ll definitely get something on it if you touch it. My mother said that when she picked me up, I was like this..."

He had nothing to do with his mother at first, but since he was picked up from that rainy night, the fetters have been entwined around him non-stop.An encouragement when you get good grades, a disappointed look when you fail, a sentence of "finance is not bad" when filling out the volunteer application, and a lonely "so far away" when choosing a job.These inextricable fetters wound him into a cocoon, allowing him to stay in this city for 20 years with gratitude.

The cocoon was shattered with his mother's departure, and he realized that in the end, he had nothing 20 years ago, and he was still alone 20 years later.So I gradually understand that life is originally from a place where there is nothing to a place where there is nothing.

"Ah, I found it!" Zhou Yu finally took out a book from the pile and held it high above his head.

"what?"

"The Myth of Sisyphus." Zhou Yu handed the book in front of Cheng Jingshen, and four small characters such as Camus' works were stamped on the khaki hard cover.

Cheng Jingshen took the book hesitantly: "For me?"

Zhou Yu nodded, and poked the cover with his finger: "Well, I think there seems to be a complete set of Camus on the wall of your book, but there is no Sisyphus. I think my mother seems to have one."

"Just to find this?"

Zhou Yu smiled.

Next to the fixed bookcase is a low cabinet. There are some old CDs on the low cabinet. Judging from the names of the CDs and the degree of dilapidation, it can be guessed that Zhou Yu's mother liked to collect them when she was young.Zhou Yu took out one of them, the casing was already scarred, but fortunately the CD hadn't been weathered, so he opened it and put it into the CD player on the desk. The CD player "stabbed", and the sound of time came one after another. It was Qi Yu's "Flying Birds and Fish".

Cheng Jingshen leaned against the window sill and made a slight sound of turning the pages of the book, while Zhou Yu leaned against the low cabinet to watch his slightly lowered eyes as he turned the pages of the book.

"Doctor Cheng, do your parents know that you like men?" Zhou Yu was suddenly curious.

Cheng Jingshen raised his head: "I know."

"No objection?"

"No, my dad is more traditional, and it's very stiff."

"and after?"

"Later?" Cheng Jingshen thought for a while in silence, "I stayed abroad after that, and there was no reconciliation until he passed away. He died of a sudden cerebral hemorrhage, and he left in a hurry."

Zhou Yu moved his body a little awkwardly, and said, "Sorry."

Cheng Jingshen smiled gently: "It's okay, I regret it now thinking about it. Maybe some conflicts really only end when one party leaves."

"It doesn't necessarily end when one party leaves."

"How did your mother die?" Cheng Jingshen closed the book and asked.

"Suicide." Zhou Yu found that he could now calmly tell the cause of his mother's death.

"Now it's my turn to say sorry."

The two are silent, but the silence is not annoying.

It was a very short-lived resonance, fleeting, as if to say, when you are lonely, I am also lonely.

"Actually, I have always felt guilty after my mother died," Zhou Yu said.

"What are you ashamed of?"

"At first I thought I was guilty of not crying at the funeral, but then I found that my real guilt was actually my own confusion and confusion after her death, and even a bit of malicious anger." Zhou Yu paused and continued. , "I don't understand, why do you have to die? And why did you die without explaining a word?"

"It may be true that there is nothing to explain." Cheng Jingshen smiled and said, "Any reason for seeking death is like self-defense, and the self-defense of the dead is especially weak and cowardly, because the living will definitely find it for them." The reason to live. I simply don’t want to say anything.”

Zhou Yu tilted his head slightly: "That's why there is: How can you die for such a small thing? Such obviously contemptuous remarks?"

The level of human self-righteousness is often more terrifying than imagined.

"This is the scene where self-defense fails." Cheng Jingshen agreed, "But generally speaking, the most obvious reason is not the most deadly. The most deadly is often the accumulation of years, ten years, or even decades. Suicidal will."

Cheng Jingshen lightly shook the "Myth of Sisyphus" in his hand: "Most people who commit suicide have unspeakable thoughts and incurable diseases."

As soon as the words fell, the thin piece of paper fell to the ground with a shaking movement, and the two straightened their bodies to look at the white piece of paper.is a bookmark.

It is an extremely ordinary bookmark, and the title of the book printed on the lower right corner indicates the source of the bookmark, which probably comes with the accompanying issue of the book.

Zhou Yu picked it up only to find that there were words on the back.The handwriting has been covered with a black oil-based pen, and the four words "my child" can be vaguely seen through the black scratches.

"My child, I love you?" or "My child, I will never forgive you?"

"Really. It's so unclear again." Zhou Yu's tone was helpless, and the expression on his face was a bit complicated. He should have wanted to laugh at himself, but it looked more like he was about to cry.

"The tragedy and greatness of this world is that it gives us no truth, but much love."

Zhou Yu held the bookmark with a frozen expression, and looked at Cheng Jingshen blankly.

"Camus said it." Cheng Jingshen said.

Zhou Yu touched the joint between the corners of his eyes and the bridge of his nose, and smiled: "What else did Camus say?"

"Camus also said..."

"The absurd prevails, love saves it."

Zhou Yu didn't turn off the CD player when he left, and the CD had already played the penultimate song on the single side.As the door slowly closed, Qi Yu's voice echoed in his mother's room softly and leisurely.

"I don't know how this kid came out of nowhere

他 可能 让 我 告别 的 摇摆

带 他 回来 给 他 一 的 的 家

每 天 晚上 散 一 个 的 步

慢慢 有 人 说 那个 小孩 象 象 我

I need love and I'm vulnerable

Like me, I'm afraid of loneliness and loneliness

象 我 这样 的 个 女人

以及 这样 的 个 小孩

活 在 世界 上

小小 一 个 角落

彼此 愈来愈 相象

愈来愈 不 能 割舍

我 不 知道 这个 小孩 是 是 个 个

But I know my life is no longer standing still

陪 他 长大 给 他 很多 的 爱

让 他 拥有 自己 的 和 梦

因为 一 个 小孩 是 一 的 的 存在

Shining as strangely as a star

As fresh as fruit, as fragrant as flowers

象 我 这样 的 个 女人

以及 这样 的 个 小孩

活 在 世界 上 小小 个 角落

彼此 愈来愈 相爱

愈来愈 互相 依赖

象 我 这样 的 个 女人

以及 这样 的 个 小孩

活 在 世界 上 小小 个 角落

彼此 愈来愈 相爱

愈来愈 相信 安排

out of thin air

一 个 温暖 的 家

a gift"

"Click—"

The CD automatically exits after one-sided playback ends, and the empty room falls into white silence again.Uncompromising silence.

There are two more chapters left.Put it up tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.