recession

When she woke up the next day, Xu Yunqing was not by her side.

Half of the bed was still warm, Tao Liyang washed and put on his clothes and went out, Xu Yunqing was sitting on the terrace, looking at the opposite river and the continuous green hills beyond in a trance.

"I remember that the wine was finished last night." Tao Liyang disapproved when he saw another glass of wine in his hand.

"I thought you ordered two bottles." Xu Yunqing turned around, glanced at Tao Liyang, and changed his words as if nothing had happened, "Okay, it's also possible that I ordered it. Do you want another drink?"

He was joking, but he didn't look like that.Tao Liyang walked over, supported the back of his neck, lowered his head and kissed him, he tasted the very light citrus flavor: "No, this is enough." Then he took the bottle in front of him and put it aside, and dragged it He took a chair and sat down beside him: "Don't stare, I won't confiscate the glass in your hand."

Xu Yunqing lowered his eyes, resting his chin in one hand, and gently shook the cup.Tao Liyang looked at the time, it was not yet seven o'clock, and they rarely got up so early.In the morning, the frost and dew are heavy, and there is a faint feeling of icy residue in the air.

The Luban lock was placed on the glass table next to it, and Xu Yunqing took it all apart.Tao Liyang picked it up, he had never played with this kind of thing when he was a child, and he was a little confused for a while.Xu Yunqing reminded him softly, and after a while, he finally put it together.

Xu Yunqing reached out to take it, played with it carefully for a while, and then put it back on the table.Without warning, he whispered: "I have no right to blame anyone, but I still have no way to forgive, and never will."

"You don't have to forgive anyone." Tao Liyang kept looking at him, then leaned over to hold his hand, "I just hope you let yourself go."

Xu Yunqing didn't look up: "Why?"

This is an extremely clear request, and all doubts are actually tantamount to rejection.Tao Liyang understood what he meant, but he was not discouraged. He just smiled and gave him an unexpected answer: "For me."

Xu Yunqing glanced at him in surprise, and lowered his eyes deeply.

Still smiling, Tao Liyang pulled him closer to him.Xu Yunqing scratched his wrist, but Tao Liyang persisted.So Xu Yunqing simply stood up directly, and sat across his lap face to face in a fit of anger, his voice was still a bit muffled: "What are you doing?"

"I'm afraid you'll run away." Tao Liyang said, hugged his back, and sighed with a smile, "You, why are you so thoughtful when you say you are so light?"

Xu Yunqing glanced at him several times, expressionless, but said nothing.

"Yunqing, you are the most self-sufficient person I have ever met. To me, this is your only shortcoming. It is not only yours, but also mine." Tao Liyang touched his spine inch by inch, warm Said slowly, "Because I can't bear and don't want to see you like this...But I am really helpless in this matter. Every time I see you suffering and worrying, it shows how powerless I am...But Yun Qing, I really have nothing to do, so I can only come to beg you."

His voice was deep and deep, it seemed to be mixed with thousands of emotions, turning back and forth a thousand times, but when everything fell silent, what remained was clearly the same kind, and it was always only that kind.

The body in his arms trembled and became stiff again.Tao Liyang noticed it, and hugged Xu Yunqing even harder, burying his face in his neck.

After a while, Xu Yunqing stepped back a little, staring at him for a long time as if he was a stranger.Then he put his arms around his neck and put it next to his ear, saying in a tone that could not hear any emotion or anger: "Tao Liyang, are you sure that no matter what you say or do, I will never be angry with you, and I will never be angry with you." There is no way."

"Isn't that so?" Tao Liyang asked softly.

"It's like this." After a long silence, Xu Yunqing sighed and said, with the aroma of the light citrus wine he drank just now between his lips and teeth, "If it's for you, then well... I'll try."

They stayed here for less than half a month, Tao Liyang was going back to hold a script meeting, and Xu Yunqing was also preparing to cooperate with the promotional activities of the new play.The day before his departure, Xu Yunqing said that he would go out for a trip.He didn't intend to ask Tao Liyang to join him, but when Tao Liyang proposed to go with him, he hesitated for a while and agreed.

Tao Liyang originally thought that he would go to the cemetery again or return to the old house in the city, but when the car stopped, he saw an old hospital in front of him.

Almost instantly, Tao Liyang understood where it was.

"It's too unlucky, so I don't want you to come." Xu Yunqing tried to be more relaxed, but it was really difficult in such a situation.

"It's okay, I don't care about these, I'll accompany you in." Tao Liyang cut him off gently before he could say the next sentence.

Xu Yunqing nodded after a while: "Let's go."

The location of the hospital is a bit remote, the car drove all the way, hardly any pedestrians were seen on both sides, only lush trees, which had not been pruned for many years, sprawled and criss-crossed in a disorderly manner.

"It's been eight or nine years since the shortage. After homosexuality was removed from the list of mental patients, it was still being picked up in private. Later, there were several homicide cases, and it couldn't be suppressed. The dean was exposed for corruption and bribery, and he was caught in the market. The team changes, and if the backer falls, it will fall." They walked in through the dilapidated gate of the hospital, Xu Yunqing looked up and glanced at the sign that could barely make out the words "Municipal Mental Hospital", and said lightly.

"It was originally in the old city, a bit far away from the new area. Too many people died, and the developers were somewhat shy about it. After all these years, it has been deserted here."

The hospital is not too big, there are only three buildings in total, and there is a small garden in front of it.The inside of the pool has dried up, leaving only rotting moss.The weeds were as deep as the ankles, and while walking, unknown birds jumped out of them.

"Be careful." Tao Liyang stepped on a broken tile, and Xu Yunqing gave him a hand.He raised his face and glanced at the building directly opposite, "I used to think this building was so tall...it turns out there are only a few floors."

With a little emotion in his tone, Tao Liyang pressed his shoulder.Xu Yunqing shook his head: "It's nothing, I'll just say it casually, go in, the stairs are on the left."

The floor tiles of the corridor are a little broken, and mottled rust can be seen everywhere on the handrails.It can be seen that the closure here was hasty and sudden, and most of the things have not been moved except for important medical equipment.Broken infusion bottles were scattered on the floor of the corridor, and there was even a box of unopened needles next to it. Looking at a random ward, old bedding was still piled up on the hospital bed.

It was noon at this time, and the sunlight came in through the window, dispelling a lot of the dark atmosphere.None of them are timid, and there are many suspense film sets that have been to scarier ones than this one.But after all, it was different for Xu Yunqing here, and Tao Liyang couldn't help but feel distressed when he thought that he planned to come back by himself.Hold his wrist firmly.

Xu Yunqing seemed very familiar with this place.The car is familiar with the road, and there is no hesitation on the way.

"Did you come here again later?" Tao Liyang couldn't help frowning.

Xu Yunqing didn't seem to hear his question clearly, Tao Liyang repeated it, he shook his head, smiled, and answered lightly but definitely: "No."

At this point, they had reached the third floor.Xu Yunqing stopped in front of the ward at the end, put his hand on the doorknob, and turned it slightly. After making sure that it was not locked, he didn't pull it away immediately, turned his head and said to Tao Liyang: "Okay, I really don't want you Accompany. I will go in by myself."

Tao Liyang didn't insist any longer, and kissed his eyebrows: "Okay, I'll wait for you."

The window of this ward is on the other side. After he entered, he closed the door. Tao Liyang couldn't see him, and he wasn't worried.This is where Xu Yunqing's lingering nightmare began, but he knew that he was waiting outside, so he would come out quickly.

The dust in the corridor was thick and was blown up by the wind. Tao Liyang coughed lightly.He moved a few steps to the side, and stepped on a piece of paper on the ground. He glanced at it, and it was a medical record.The one to the right next to the ward is the doctor's office, and the case was blown out of it by the wind.

Tao Liyang bent down to pick it up. The case was many years ago. On the yellowed paper, he recognized the words homosexuality.

He couldn't help frowning and walked into the office.Like other places in the hospital, it was in a mess, and there were missing stethoscopes, ballpoint pens, white coats... Cases fell out of the side cabinet, and many of them were stored vertically in folders.The cabinet was locked, but the glass was broken.Tao Liyang took a look, and they were arranged by initials and years.

He hesitated for a moment, wanting to see if there was any case of Xu Qiming among them, so he took out all the stacks beginning with x.

It has been so long that some years have become blurred and difficult to discern.Fortunately, it wasn't too much, and he quickly flipped through them one by one.Maybe it was put in other places, and Xu Qiming was not among them.

However, when he turned to the last two pages, Tao Liyang unexpectedly saw a familiar yet unfamiliar name.

The sound of the wind blowing on the glass, the cry of the unnamed bird, all disappeared at that moment.The only thing Tao Liyang could feel was his heart beating violently.He seemed to be entangled in a net coming from all directions, he couldn't move at all, and he couldn't even breathe.

He stood there blankly for an unknown amount of time, until the slight noise from the corridor outside the door broke the silence.Tao Liyang came back to his senses, quickly folded the case sheet, and stuffed it into his pocket.

Xu Yunqing looked around in the corridor, and when he saw him, the panic expression on his face disappeared: "I thought you were gone."

"How come, I told you to wait. A wild cat ran past just now, let me take a look." Tao Liyang showed an impeccable smile, walked up to hold his hand, "Can we go?"

Xu Yunqing nodded, and said in a low voice, "I've told my father everything I want to say...I have to come here and tell him."

"Uncle must hear."

Xu Yunqing pursed her lips, then looked back at the door of the ward: "Let's go."

The return ticket was in the early morning of the next day, and they simply packed their luggage when they returned to the hotel after dinner.Xu Yunqing went to the hospital during the day, which was quite distressing.After tidying up the clothes and making sure nothing was missing, I went to bed early.

Tao Liyang fell asleep with him, and when his breathing calmed down, he got up lightly, walked to the living room, and took out the medical records that he hastily received during the day from his coat pocket.

In the column of the patient's name, Xu Ning was written.

The name Xu Yunqing changed when he was seven years old reappeared in his 19-year-old medical records.

Reasons for admission, homosexual correction. ①

Tao Liyang returned to the hospital again. He probably shouldn't have come, but he had to.In the early morning night, there were too many unknowns shrouded in darkness and silence, but it was the known news that made Tao Liyang frightened and terrified.

He walked into the building in front of him.At the end of the third floor, the ward that he did not enter during the day.Tao Liyang looked up at the ward number.It turned out that this was not only Xu Qiming's, it also appeared in Xu Ning's medical records.He took a deep breath, opened the door and walked in.

There was no electricity and the lights were already out.Tao Liyang turned on the phone and pulled out the flashlight.

The whole ward, like the hospital, bears heavy traces of time.The beds were old iron canopy beds, with wooden strips nailed to the windows, broken lamps and ceiling fans hanging from the ceiling.The ward had been renovated, and the floors and walls were dirty but not bloodstained.There are faint footprints on the floor tiles, which were left by Xu Yunqing during the day.

Tao Liyang stood in the center of the ward.What does he want to see?What can he see?It's been ten years.

Tao Liyang always remembered that summer vacation, he accompanied Tao Cheng to the village in Yunnan to gather wind, there was no signal in the mountains, and the last message he sent to Xu Yunqing before going up the mountain did not get a reply.After returning, Xu Yunqing said, don't like me anymore, okay?

The night before Mingming's departure, he even told Xu Yunqing to wait for me.Xu Yunqing said, if there is no signal, you can write to me.

Tao Liyang really wrote it, full of joy, and walked a long way to find a post office to mail it to him.

The letter said, 'You have a star on your back. '②

But it turned out that that summer, that star, the moon in his heart, was locked here.

Tao Liyang's eyes swept across this not-so-large space.Angry and dazed.He couldn't go back to when Xu Yunqing was seven years old, nor could he go back to the summer ten years ago.Time is the most regrettable and cruel thing in this world.

His gaze finally settled on a wooden cabinet next to the window.He felt that he was stung, but the next second, he still walked over.

Heart beats like a drum.After failing to open the cabinet door several times, Tao Liyang realized that his hands were shaking.His Adam's apple moved up and down, staring at the cabinet, as if a scourge was hidden inside.

He held his trembling wrist, bit his lip and pulled it away.Tao Liyang thought that maybe it was empty, or maybe he could find some traces of Xu Yunqing who hid in the cabinet when he was seven years old. ③

but no.

After the cabinet was opened, there were some old sundries piled inside.Pushing them away, Tao Liyang saw others.

It was his own name.

The words Tao Liyang were densely written on the inner wall of the cabinet, like a spell.Those who can write down are happy.Trapped for this, and escaped for it.

This was left over many years ago, and the ink penetrated deep into the grain of the wood.Tao Liyang could easily recognize these handwritings, which were slightly greener than today, but still familiar with the handwriting.So much so that for a moment, he felt that what he opened was not a cabinet, but the heart of 19-year-old Xu Yunqing.

Of course, it is also now.Xu Yunqing's heart is always the same.

With the light of the mobile phone, Tao Liyang stroked the cabinet wall inch by inch, touching his own name written by Xu Yunqing.Until in the most hidden corner of the cabinet, he saw three other words.

Write small, I love you.

The dust in that place has been wiped by someone.Ten years ago, Xu Yunqing wrote them down.Today, when Tao Liyang didn't know, he wiped it quietly again.Now, after a long time, these three words were finally delivered to Tao Liyang.

Xu Yunqing couldn't escape the cage of childhood nightmare, he didn't want him to see his pain and embarrassment, and said that you don't like me anymore, but it was never that I didn't like you.

His moon was buried in the night, and the remaining light always went towards him.

Tao Liyang couldn't help laughing, he had been looking for him, and he clearly got it long ago.Smiling and laughing, at some point, tears that had not been seen for many years slid down his cheeks.

"Liyang, where are you?" Just as he got out of the elevator, he received a call from Xu Yunqing.

Tao Liyang said warmly: "I just went out and came back. I'm already in the corridor."

As soon as he finished speaking, the door of the room not far away opened.Tao Liyang walked over quickly, Xu Yunqing smiled, then straightened his face: "Where have you been?"

"I'm going to buy you sweet-scented osmanthus cake. Didn't you say this one is more delicious? Before I left, I bought some more. The first oven in the morning is still hot."

"Don't tell me a word." Xu Yunqing pouted, took the paper bag in his hand, and put it aside.Turning around to get the phone, "Then you're back, I'll order breakfast? I have to go to the airport later..."

Before he finished speaking, Tao Liyang hugged him.

"What are you doing?" Xu Yunqing was taken aback, then pushed him with a smile.

"Why not. I still need a reason to hug you." Tao Liyang said nonchalantly, "I'll buy you sweet-scented osmanthus cake early in the morning. I can't even hug you for a while, so stingy?"

"You insist on being courteous, and I didn't let you go." Xu Yun gave him a clear look, but let him hug him obediently.

Tao Liyang turned his face and kissed his hair, and Xu Yunqing's warm breath fell on the side of his neck.

Without warning, at that moment, whether he wanted it or not, a lot of what Xu Yunqing said inadvertently surfaced intermittently.

He said, "That cabinet is so big that an adult can shrink in it." He said, "I didn't understand it at the time, but I knew everything later." He said, "Tao Liyang, you never imagined that people torture people. , there are so many ways”…④

Tao Liyang recalled the line-by-line diagnosis and treatment records on the medical record that he had just burned: "On August 8, the patient resisted fiercely during the treatment process and injured a doctor, and then administered intravenous diazepam...", "August On the 22rd, the patient developed a severe syncope reaction after electric shock treatment...the patient suffered from disturbance of consciousness...","On August 8th, the patient tried to hang himself unsuccessfully, which caused short-term cerebral hypoxia, and obvious bruises were seen on the neck. It is recommended to suspend the treatment... "⑤

For a total of seventeen days, those handwritings were icy cold, like a dark tide rushing through, unreasonably dragging Xu Yunqing into the depths of his childhood nightmare, and almost drowning Tao Liyang.But now Xu Yunqing just told him with a gentle smile, 'No, I haven't been back. '

Xu Yunqing confessed all the secrets to him, but this one will never be revealed.Now this secret has also become Tao Liyang's, and he will not mention it, because the other end of the mystery has already been handed over to him.

When everything disappears, the last thing left is just one sentence, I love you.

Small, afraid of being discovered but still stubborn, I love you.

It turns out that there are still some things that can be left behind against time.

"Yunqing." Tao Liyang suppressed the sourness in his heart, and quietly called his name softly.

"What's the matter?" Xu Yunqing pretended to be impatient and smiled.

"You love me." He said lightly, with the grievance that he tried to hide.

Xu Yunqing didn't understand why Tao Liyang said such a sentence suddenly, raised his eyebrows in surprise, and smiled again after being taken aback.

"Fool." He hugged Tao Liyang's back with a smile, rubbed his cheek against his hair, and sighed contentedly, "You just know."

The author says:

①: Yunqing has been admitted to a mental hospital, see Chapter 44, ②: Writing a letter: Chapter 43, the content of the letter: Chapter 44, ③: Hiding in the cabinet, Chapter 62, ④: Chapter 62, ⑤: Yunqing committed suicide: Chapter 29 Chapter [-] Hinted