"In your heart, do you really think that Mo Fan deserves to die?"

Shen Xu's voice was low and hoarse, his head was lowered, and his eyes were unconsciously staring at the ground.

Lu Qian's movements stopped, and the thumb on the switch did not press down for a long time.

"Have you ever thought that Mo Fan is also a person, why did he betray you, why did he leave you? He was hurt by you, by your parents, by your family, can you really not see?

?You said, your mother wants to force you to death, she would rather let you live like a walking dead than let you be happy for a day.Then what about you to Mo Fan, why not? "

Lu Qian frowned, but refused to let go of Mo Fan's hand.

"You see, how tired Mo Fan is with you, Mo Fan who is treated like that by your family but still doesn't want to give up, his last support is you. But you chose your family, you are not wrong

, Is Mo Fan wrong?Have you seen the wounds on his body? How hurtful are the wounds? You haven’t seen it. You love him. Your so-called love is watching him suffer day by day. You can’t give him anything.I would rather let him die than let him go free.If you can't give him happiness, do you want him to die with you?"

Heart clenched, Lu Qian turned his head and looked at him unwillingly.

"Even if everyone blames me, Shen Xu, how can you not understand. You know better than anyone how much I love him. Ten years, ten years of this relationship, how did he and I get over each other, every day, Every day you can see clearly, how can you still - if it is possible, if there is still a chance, I am willing to trade everything. Shen Xu, I love him so much. But, but... "His eyes moved to Mo Fan's face, and he raised his hand to caress the face that was flushed with anger. In just thirty years, he only loved this person, the lover with whom he has been dating for a lifetime, and now, " He has changed, he doesn't know me anymore, I keep those memories in my mind, every day, every day I think about it several times, that feeling is still so strong, why, it will change. Shen Xu, he wants to leave Leave me forever. Have you seen what I have lived in these three years? After 30 years, I will continue to live a more terrible life than this. I can't do it anymore, Shen Xu, living is too tiring, so tiring I can't take it any longer."

Lu Qian lowered his head wearily and closed his eyes, unwilling to take another look at this cold world.

A smile curled up on the corner of Shen Xu's mouth, and he sighed, "Yeah, he has changed, so he really deserves to die. If that's the case, count me in! I'm also a damned person, alive, so fucking tired , I’m so tired that I don’t want to go on anymore. Like you, I can’t find the meaning of living.”

Lu Qian opened his eyes, Wan Chen's eyes were burning, and despair appeared in Shen Xu's eyes, under which the wounds accumulated for more than ten years were hidden.

"Lu Qian, you know that I have a lover." He raised his hand and patted his left chest, a big gash was torn in his heart that was about to heal. "That person has lived here for more than ten years. You know how much I love him Right! How could you not know that during my most painful years, you were always by my side. I told you all my stories, for that person, for that person..."

The smile on the corner of his mouth deepened, as if he remembered the best time of that time.

In time, there was him who was young and frivolous, and the person he loved desperately.

Scenes of the past flashed into my mind, and even my heart could laugh along with it.

The kiss in the dark street, the hard-working back at dawn, he snatched an egg in his bowl, he sent pies to him who was punished through the small window, he said he wanted to be a master, and he wanted to be behind him The shadow of my life, just follow it.

"Lu Qian, did I tell you, if, if my father is not dead and my mother is still alive, I may, no, I will, I will go to him again. Even if he posted those photos on the bulletin board, Even if people all over the world call me a pervert, even...even if he pinches my neck with both hands, even if those eyes are full of viciousness that will kill me, Lu Qian, did I tell you, I will Forgive him, I will let myself forget all this, I can work on construction sites, I can go to night school, no matter how hard it is, I can bear it, and after a few years, maybe I can stand in a place that is slightly worthy of him. position, if I go to him again, maybe, maybe he will accept me again. Lu Qian, I really, really thought about it this way."

A line of tears gushed out of the eyes and slid to the side of the sad smile.

Thinking that the wound has long since healed, that the pain has healed.

Unexpectedly, when he tore it hard, the wound opened neatly, and the completely sealed pain gushed out again, destroying the disguise of many years.

Wan Chen stared at him intently, his tearful smile was like an invisible knife, cutting a series of cuts on Wan Chen's body.

He moved his lips, but Shen Xu didn't say that sentence.

"I love him so much that I can give everything for him, but Lu Qian, he doesn't need my love. He killed my dad, and I don't even want to let him go. Get rid of me, and even erase all those good memories. If I die, if I disappear in this world, he can climb to the peak that he has been chasing all his life without any burden. Lu Qian, like this Man, do I really still want to love him? Do I still want to continue loving him? "

"How many times have you woke up me from the nightmare, you said, thinking that I would never wake up again. And there will always be only one name in my dream, a name I dare not even hear. During the Chinese New Year, you Ask me why I don’t go home, I dare not, I am afraid I will meet him. Meeting him, seeing him again, will tear the hole in my heart even more! I only dared to go back to see me after I secretly inquired about the date of his return to school Mom. Just twice a year, just a few days. Lu Qian, how bad I am, how unfilial I am, I left my mother alone in that deserted house and let her make a table But I could only sit there alone, even when I passed away, I was not by her side. Do you know how regretful I am, how much I want to leave with her, even if it’s just a short journey to Huangquan, I also don't want her to be lonely anymore. Lu Qian, don't I love you deeply enough?"

Wan Chen slowly closed his eyes, something pierced his eyes, and the pain was excruciating.

Shen Xu's appearance is deeply imprinted in his mind, no matter how hard he closes his eyes, he still can't get rid of that sad and hopeless face.

Those words have been hidden in Shen Xu's heart for more than ten years.

Hearing it now, the pain after ten years was revealed once again, guilt and remorse gnawed at his heart.

Can they go on?

"When I was in pain, how did you persuade me, Lu Qian, you want me to forget him, to forget that person completely. You said that person is not worth it, that person is not my destined partner. Lu Qian Qian, you can see my pain, you can see your own pain, why can't you see Mo Fan's pain? Those pains that you deliberately ignored didn't torture him enough?"

Lu Qian turned around slowly and looked at him with a painful expression.

"Lu Qian, I have a new lover. He treats me very well and listens to all my stories patiently. He is very gentle. He is afraid of waking me up and even sleeps outside the door all night. He said he wants to have a serious relationship with me. , with all your heart, bet your whole life on dating. Lu Qian, can I be happy once? I can--" He raised his hand and grabbed the clothes on his chest, tightly, tightly, "Get that person out of here Dig it out? Dig it out completely, I also want to, and I want to live happily, even if it doesn't last long, I don't want to miss this person who is willing to love me."

Lu Qian's lips moved, "Shen Xu..."

Shen Xu raised his feet and walked towards him step by step, the pace was slow, the short distance of tens of meters seemed long and boundless.

"Lu Qian, that person, the person who ruined my life, he came to me. He said, he still loves me, he said, he wants to be with me again. He said, he wants to make up for me, and wants me to forget everything The pain he gave. But how can I forget? Lu Qian, my dad is dead, no matter what I do, he will never come back to life. Before I was with that person, this life, this life he gave I have to give it back to him first! That's my dad, the one who gave birth to me and raised me, who loves me without reservation in this world, is this life, my life enough to pay it back? Lu Qian, are you I don’t think I should be with that person, because I loved him so deeply, and I made an agreement with him for the rest of my life. Those pains, those damn pains are nothing, he still loves me for more than ten years , He always remembers this feeling, he came to me, how can I change his love that he didn't give up. Lu Qian, right, I deserve to die too. "

"Shen Xu..." Lu Qian's hands trembled, and the hand holding the lighter slowly dropped.

Standing still with both feet, Shen Xu bent down to pick up the gasoline barrel that was thrown aside, shook the remaining liquid in the barrel, and said to Lu Qian with a smile, "You left some for me, thank you."

He raised his hand, closed his eyes, and poured the small half-barrel of gasoline over his head.

"Shen Xu!"

"Shen Xu!"

Seeing Shen Xu like this, Wan Chen's heart felt like a knife was twisted, his fists were clenched by his sides, trembling uncontrollably.

Lu Qian couldn't help taking a step back, shaking his head in disbelief.

The wet hair was attached to the scalp, and the eyes under the short hair were shining with a moving brilliance. The corners of Shen Xu's mouth curled up into a smile. That smile was like a poisonous flower, blooming with its last beauty.

"Shen Xu..." Tears rolled in his eyes, and Lu Qian remembered Shen Xu in his distant memory.

The teenager, heart ashamed, woke up from a nightmare and scratched the skin on his left chest in pain.

The young Lu Qian held him tightly in his arms, patted his back over and over again, and called his name over and over again.

Shen Xu, Shen Xu...

On New Year's Eve, on the roof of the cold dormitory, the whole city is filled with fireworks, and thousands of families are reunited, but all Shen Xu has is a lonely bottle of white wine. Suppressed howling.

Lu Qian knelt beside him, Shen Xu...

Shen Xu's tears could not be wiped away, lying on his back on the cold concrete floor, weak tears slid down from the end of his eyes.

He asked why, and he said he couldn't forget it.

Why did the person he loved treat him like this, and why he couldn't forget that person no matter how hard he tried.

Why……

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