come close to me hold me

Embracing a person is like embracing the whole world.

I didn't know what this sentence meant before, I just felt that it was exaggerated and underestimated.But so far, whether it is Yu Anxun or Yu Jiang Yien, they are the most wonderful experience in recent days. The feeling of embracing each other seems to be unable to find another word to describe it.

"Can you still bear it? Do you want to take a medicine?"

An Xun shook his head, and hid his head deeper into the soft shoulder socket.

Jiang Yin paused, and felt that something was wrong, she was too familiar with what An Xun looked like when she was in pain, her whole body would tense up, she would be brave enough to say that she was fine, she would comfort her not to worry, and she would never refuse to give her medicine. .

But today, since Jiang Yien hugged her until now, she hasn't said a word.

"You...why do you suddenly want to eat hot pot today? Are you in a bad mood?"

The girl's brisk and warm voice seemed to break through the last line of defense in An Xun's heart, and with a suppressed sigh, tears finally fell like rain.

Physical discomfort is just worse.

In the afternoon, An Xun took the initiative to send a message to his father, asking him if he had any plans to return to China recently, and whether he would go home for the Chinese New Year this year.But what was waiting was his father's hasty words:

"No reply.—everything is fine, don't read."

—In an instant, the boulder that had been suppressed in his chest for a long time finally shattered his entire heart.

She still had a slight fantasy about the family relationship that blood is thicker than water, and comforted her father that he might have something to deal with, so she didn't have time to ask her to meet.Or, as long as she lowers her face and takes the initiative once, the gap with her father can be eased.

Unexpectedly, these few words of lies coldly occupied all the buffer she left for herself.

She could understand that her father hated her, and didn't even blame him for abandoning her.She had long since admitted that she deserved it and deserved it.

When I was eight years old, I heard the news of my mother's unexpected pregnancy at the door of my parents' room, and I also heard that they were discussing not to have this child.It was she who rushed in and persuaded them to keep their sister.

She can't be frank, she is selfish.

She has long been tired of her mother stroking her head and saying "you are a sensible child, you will understand mom" every time before a business trip, and she is also tired of crying heartbreakingly at the airport but still to no avail.

She thought that with her younger sister, her mother would not always run around the world with her violin on her back.So An Xun regarded her sister as her lucky star, but she didn't expect that her mother would suffer from severe postpartum depression because of this, and she just couldn't recover from it.

Ironically, many years later, it was still me who handed over the car keys that took the lives of those two people.

If Jiang Yien's life is sad, then An Xun is not miserable.

How many people in the world are like her, who have passed the age of acting like a baby before being fully loved.

This is the deepest pain buried in her heart, and even Jiang Yien hasn't fully understood it yet, at this moment, she can't express it.To be able to let myself cry in front of this girl is already a breakthrough.

Jiang Yien hugged her, there was always a trace of incompleteness in the perfection in his heart.Her elder sister An seemed to belong to her completely, and it seemed that she had never really belonged to her.She clearly felt that she was needed and depended on, so why did she keep her mouth shut when she was asked about her concerns.

As a younger sister, shouldn't she take the initiative?Can't wait for my sister to speak.Is it right? Come up with the courage to make a desperate bet.

"Xun'er, why can't we be lovers?"

Finally, she asked what she had kept in her heart for a long time, even if it was so inappropriate.

An Xun was startled, everything froze for a moment, pulled away from her arms, looked at her little girl, her eyes were full of doubt and bewilderment.

Why can't they be lovers?

The girl didn't ask her if she could, but predicted her answer, skipped that question, and asked her directly why she couldn't.

Did he just make her cautious?Does that make her unsure?Even if you try your best to warm her and love her, can't you still cover up the coldness in your bones?

She didn't know how to answer, her soul was torn to pieces, she began to question her own decision, began to question Su Wen's sentence "As long as she loves you, you can give her happiness".

Change is empty talk, hard work is futile, and her little girl is still frostbitten.

She obviously can fall in love with others.

She obviously can not suffer from the alternation of cold and warm, inseparable.

"Hey! Only temporary parking here!"

When the traffic policeman saw that there was no one in the driver's seat, he had already planned to post a ticket, but when he saw someone in the back seat, he knocked on the window to remind him.

An Xun realized that it seemed that the harbor that belonged to her could only stay temporarily, and if she was greedy for a long time, it would only hurt both sides.

She lowered her head and said lightly: "I'm fine, you can go and drive."

It was as if she was reluctantly telling her little girl: Go the way you should go, and leave me alone.

Jiang Yien hesitated for a moment, thinking about what to do, he would have time to talk about it when he got home, before getting out of the car, he quietly stuffed a milk candy into An Xun's hand.

"Okay, let's go home first."

On the way home, she looked at the people in the back seat from the rearview mirror whenever she had the chance, and saw her looking out the car window, tears still falling like rain, her eyes were desolate, and she cried silently.

So many street lights and neon lights flickered past her eyes, but she couldn't be surprised--there was no emotion.

It's not the first time Jiang Yien has seen such a look in his eyes, it's like the glimpse in the concert hall.It was so sad, the traffic was so sad, the neon lights were so sad, even the wind that passed by her eyes unintentionally was stained with melancholy by the light of tears.

In his heart, a deep sense of powerlessness spread, Jiang Yien felt that his approach somewhat opened up An Xun's heart, so that she would no longer freeze herself, and no longer indulge in the past.

However, those eyes that still couldn't see a trace of brightness seemed to be telling her a fact coldly, that she couldn't change any essence.

Her eyes are still so sad.

How can I feel sorry for you, my man.

There was a throbbing pain in my heart, and a sigh, followed by tears.

After returning home, An Xun didn't say a word about his worries, nor gave Jiang Yien a definite answer, and went back to the bedroom very early.

—The candy that Lu held tightly in his hand had already started to melt, but he still didn't dare to put it in his mouth.

The fear brought about by the abyss of the past spread to her whole brain, self-blame and despair, remorse and helplessness, intertwined into a huge darkness, like a shadow.She knew that she didn't have the strength to warm another person at this moment, she knew that she had already passed the age of acting like a baby, and she knew that she should hide her emotions.

She could no longer find what her heart wanted.

For a moment, she wanted to give up, to expose her scars, to resist fate, to struggle in the past.

Even……

Give up, her little girl.

However, at the moment when she realized that she wanted to give up Jiang Yien, the heart-piercing pain suddenly eroded her whole body, almost suffocating her.

Leaning against the window, looking at the busy traffic and people coming and going outside the window, the word "passer-by" came to mind numbly.Tears, constantly bursting dikes.

She didn't know how to resist her cowardice, so she could only repeat the girl's name over and over in her heart.Every time you say it, there will be a surge, but it is like a sea wave hitting yourself with bruises all over your body, letting the salty sea water erode the wound.

It hurts, it really hurts, but even though the pain is so painful that my head is dizzy, my heart still keeps calling:

"Xiao En...Xiao En..."

That kind of stubbornness, it seems that even if it hurts to death, it will be called to the end - it will die in one breath.

She had no choice but to dissuade herself as she did at the beginning: give up, An Xun.

She can only keep asking herself: Are you really willing to give up?

Jiang Yien was naturally worried, wandered to the door a few times, wanted to push the door to go in, but saw the closed door, the cracks in the door were dark and there was no light at all, but he was finally hesitant.

It was not until before going to bed that he heard noises outside, so he ran from the bedroom quickly, just in time to meet An Xun returning to the room with a glass of water.

"are you feeling better?"

An Xun forced a smile and nodded, "It's much better."

Jiang Yien could see how pretentious that smile was, even though intellectually, he also believed that she should be given a personal quiet space, respect her right not to speak, and protect her self-protection.But as long as—thinking of the way she was crying silently, she was so heartbroken, how could she have the heart to leave her—alone.

"Can I...can accompany you?"

An Xun hesitated for a moment, holding the glass tightly, thinking of the humbleness in that girl's tone, seeing the timidity in her eyes at the moment, and finally decided that falling in love with herself is not a good thing, how can I go on killing it, go on harm.

So, she could only pretend to be relaxed and said, "Don't worry about me, kid, go to bed early."

He hurriedly said good night and went back to the room.

Jiang Yien stared blankly at the closed door, as if a cold storm had swept through his heart, extinguishing all the carefully ignited enthusiasm without mercy.

She began to doubt herself, whether she did not do well enough in the car, which made her, who had expected to be hugged, lock her heart tightly again.Is it because I shouldn't take the initiative to cross the line, Is it because I scared her, Is it because I shouldn't give her milk candy, Is it because I am too immature.It was agreed to wait for her, she just started to try, why force her like this.

Is it because I can't have the ability to love her well.

The gap of nine years of experience is like an insurmountable gap, as if in this relationship, I can only be the one who is cared for and loved forever.

So, how to be her lover.

An Xun knew that thinking too much at this time would only harm him, so after returning to his room, he took two sleeping pills with the water he just poured, and forced himself to fall asleep.

In the dream, it was a dark afternoon, and there was a storm outside the window. In the familiar room, she saw herself and the little girl.

Her little girl was crying so heartbreakingly, crying so aggrievedly.

"Didn't you say that you would protect me—for the rest of your life? Didn't you say that you would let me be a child for the rest of your life? Why don't you say anything?"

But no matter how the little girl struggled and begged, the self inside the barrier seemed to be completely unable to see her pain, or completely disobedient to her brain, numbly pulling people towards the door.

"No! Don't hurt her..."

Through the glass barrier, An Xun couldn't wake up her inner self. She could only watch her stubbornly and stubbornly pack up the box that had been hidden, and listen to her indifferently talk about the things she had struggled with in her heart for a long time. sentence.

"Leave me, give me up."

"Only in this way can you not be so painful."

And that little girl finally realized that long-term pain is worse than short-term pain, finally gave up, and finally decided to leave, with red eyes, she ruthlessly threw out those heartbreaking words:

"An Xun, I hate you."

"It's a pity that I have treated you as the moon for 15 years. Since you don't want me, why did you take me home?! Return your broken bear to you!"

The little bear who was cherished was also ruthlessly discarded, and smashed towards the self inside the barrier, as hard as a rock and as sharp as a sharp knife.

"no, do not want!"

An Xun desperately knocked on the glass in front of her, crying desperately not to, she wanted to stop it all, but the two inside were indifferent and insisted on each other.

At last—with a bang, the gate swallowed her girl.

She saw herself finally awakened, rushing into the rainstorm alone, screaming, her breathing became more rapid, and her tears became more and more pouring. She knew that she regretted it too, and regretted driving away her beloved one with her own hands.

"Xiao En, Xiao En..."

"Where are you……"

However, she could no longer find her.

The sky collapsed like this, and what fell was sharp ice, which stabbed, crushed, buried, and assimilated her.

The glass barrier was finally shattered, An Xun rushed up to dig the solid ice, desperately seeking, dying, praying to God to reverse everything, praying that the girl could come back again, seeing her insincere words, seeing her Her helplessness.

"An Xun, come out and find her, find her!"

"It was hard for me to convince myself, it was hard for me to get to where I am today. I tried my best to stay here. Why do you say you want to drive me away?"

"Bastard... bastard!"

The blood between her fingers stained the desolate white, and she finally exhausted all her strength, and she fell onto the ice layer, looking at herself who was frozen to the point of invulnerability, she was already powerless.

She cried until she suffocated, cried until she almost died.Little girl, but never come back.

Darkness sweeps, and frost endures forever.

She could actually take the sunshine away.

"Sister An..."

An Xun woke up suddenly, sat up, subconsciously leaned forward, and there were traces of her chasing and keeping.Finger marks were torn from the bed sheet, and the fingertips seemed to be still aching.

The lights in the room were turned on, and the familiar figure was really in front of her, but she couldn't believe it for a long time.Staring with horror in his eyes, there were only shortness of breath and tears streaming down his face.

"Did you have a nightmare? Don't be afraid, I'm here."

"Hey, it doesn't hurt anymore, it's a dream, it's a dream..."

Jiang Yien patted her frivolous back, stroked her hair, and hugged that helpless and pitiful person tightly.She regretted a little, no matter what, she shouldn't be left alone.

The love for An Xun has long been more than possession, and the meaning of An Xun to her is far more than just an ideal lover.

Even if you miss love, you can not miss each other.isn't it?

"Did I scare you?"

"fool……"

"I love you, but you are free. Don't be burdened, I am an adult, I will not ask you to be responsible for me, I will be responsible for myself."

"It doesn't matter if you treat me as a younger sister, as a confidant, as a family member, as a friend or as a soul mate, no matter what your identity is, let me stay by your side, let me love you, love you, protect you, May I?"

"I can allow myself to miss the love with you, but I really don't want to miss you."

The broken teardrops rolled down from An Xun's eyes. The gentle embrace and soft voice seemed to really melt away all the dullness and stalemate, and also healed the panic and helplessness. It was a dream, yes. — a nightmare.

Her girl is still there.

The pain in the dream was too real, and the despair of leaving that girl was too far beyond her imagination, and she knew she couldn't bear it at all.If that day really comes, she will probably die of pain.

But she wasn't sure, at some point in the future, would she want to give up again, and want to push away this little girl who shouldn't be pushed away again.

"Xiao En, can you promise me one thing?"

Jiang Yien paused in his heart, hesitated for a moment, wanted to answer, but had no confidence.She thought that she could satisfy everything, but if that person's request was for her to leave, what could she do?

Before he had time to respond, the person in his arms opened his lips and teeth:

"Closer to me, hold me tight."

"what?"

Jiang Yien felt his heart skip a beat, and his breathing also stagnated. Those words were clearly so clear and sincere, but it was like a gust of wind passing by his ears, unpredictable.

Not leaving, but approaching?

Not to give up, but to hurry up?

"No matter how that sober An Xun pushes you away, no matter how forcefully that bastard tries to drive you away, can you not let go?"

"Hold on to me, please? I beg you... No matter what, hold on to me..."

She finally broke down in tears.

Perhaps, Chen Nianci's wine really made her drunk, but if only in this way can she allow herself to keep her little friend, if only in this way can she recognize where her heart is...

Then, get drunk for the rest of your life.

Seeing that the little girl didn't answer for a long time, An Xun pulled away from her embrace, seeing the dazed and afraid eyes, her heart felt sore again.With a soft sigh, he wiped away the tears on her face, eyes full of pity.

"If you haven't understood it yet, then I'll explain it more clearly."

"Sister An, I beg you, don't..."

Jiang Yien panicked, she didn't know how to face what An Xun was going to say next, she didn't know how to watch the bruised man struggling to push herself away with the last bit of strength.

An Xun shook his head and insisted on speaking.

"Jiang Yien, I want to make an appointment."

Jiang Yien's heart trembled, he stared blankly at the person in front of him, not knowing why.

"reserve?"

"Yes, make an appointment."

Enough is enough, the little girl has already taken too many steps towards her, if her own coldness caused her to be careful and cautious, then she should also be comforted by herself.She is sure, she is prudent, even if it is destined to be all-or-nothing, don't leave regrets and regrets in vain.

An Xun, don't give yourself another chance to retreat.

No, there is no room for repentance.

"Can you make an appointment for your future lover?"

作者有话要说：感谢在2021-07-1703:24:09~2021-07-1921:14:58期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angel who threw the mine: Fusheng_Luomo 1 piece;

感谢灌溉营养液的小天使：4828193045瓶；小白20瓶；Eros5瓶；兜风的刺猬、266012182瓶；伏生_落墨1瓶；

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!