bad derailment

I think Jiang Qiushi must be crazy.

His gaze contained too many complex meanings, slowly sank in the bottom of his heart, and looked at me at the cleanest spot, mixed with indescribable ups and downs and shaking.I know he's not crazy, and he's not lying.

"Jiang Qiushi," my voice softened, and I pulled the chair closer to sit beside him, "I forgive you, this matter is not entirely your fault, I am also at fault. From the very beginning, I have approached you with other intentions, cheating You, how about we offset the mistakes, you listen to the doctor and receive treatment, no matter what the result is, I will always be with you. I have already checked, although the probability is very small, if you actively receive treatment, you may survive to the end Five years or more, how do you know that a miracle won't happen?"

He met my moving eyes, and a faint dim light came out from under the lenses, "Lin Yao, I know you won't forgive me."

I moved my lips, but before I could speak, I heard Jiang Qiushi's next sentence: "If there is a miracle, I don't want it to happen to me."

Miracle - this is a word that countless patients and doctors often talk about, as a consolation to deceive themselves and others.I don't understand why Jiang Qiushi gave up on himself like this, why he refused to grasp that little hope, even if it was for himself, he refused to live a good life.

He may have read my confusion, and slowly held me with the hand on the quilt, with a very light force, and the temperature transmitted was slightly cool, "Lin Yao, there is one thing I haven't told anyone."

Jiang Qiushi lowered his trembling eyelashes and spoke in a low voice.

"When I was 16, I don't remember the exact day, I hid in the toilet after school, waited until all the teachers and students left, and walked to the top floor of the teaching building. I stood on it, looked down at the scenery six floors high, and thought The only thought was to jump off."

My hand twitched, and was held tightly by Jiang Qiushi.

"But I didn't do that. The wind was too strong that day, and I was blown very cold when I stood on it. There were no spectators, parents, teachers and classmates below. I originally wanted to leave quietly, but when I really waited for this day, I felt that It's better to be lively."

After Jiang Qiushi finished speaking, he gave a not-so-warm smile, "Actually, I was just too cowardly, and I chose to shrink back at the moment of death."

After a moment of silence, his bloodless lips moved slightly, and he narrated in a low voice.

"The second time was the day after my parents tampered with my application. The teacher was very happy when he saw me and thought I was coming back to visit him. Talking about his future application, he said that he should make more friends and participate more in college. Don’t just focus on studying like in high school, learn to take good care of yourself. I thought about it for a long time on the roof, and the last person left.”

There was buzzing in my ears, it was not suitable for me to say anything, and I held his cold palm tightly.

"It wasn't because of cowardice that time." Jiang Qiushi looked at me with a faint light in his eyes, "I just suddenly realized that someone in this world really cared about me. Regardless of grades, future, or other things, for me this Pure caring."

"I don't want to live up to my teacher's expectations."

Jiang Qiushi's face was as flat as his voice, whether it was talking about the idea of ​​committing suicide for the first time or leaving for the second time, there was no fluctuation that should have appeared.My heart was stabbed, and I spoke in a dumb voice.

"......and after?"

"I never had that thought again after that."

Jiang Qiushi's lips curved upwards, and a complete smile unfolded, and he could no longer see the coldness in his eyes just now.

"Lin Yao, in fact, I was lucky. When I was in high school, the teacher often enlightened me after knowing my situation, and visited my parents to persuade my parents. Although it didn't help, but he still pulled me without knowing it," Jiang Qiushi fell into memories in a low voice, "After going abroad, I made a lot of friends in college. They wouldn't think I was a freak like my high school classmates, and they wouldn't delve too much into my past. They said I looked calm, steady, I think it’s an innate character.”

He smiled slightly.

"Indifference and calmness, the boundary between the two is blurred. So I began to try to switch and learn how to be a reliable and normal person in the eyes of others."

I felt the warmth from the palm of my hand, and saw him take the initiative to open up the wounds of the past, and analyze his heart coldly.

It was a field that had never been stepped on by anyone. Jiang Qiushi held my hand, tolerated my exploration, and opened up the secret that had been buried in the deepest part to me without reservation.

Finally, it is no longer an illusory shadow, no longer an illusion that seems to leave me at any time.

"Jiang Qiushi, all of this has passed, you have to live for yourself now," I said palely, "You are completely free, as long as you treat well, there are countless possibilities in your future life."

"I understand," he said to me, "but I've already made my decision. Lin Yao, don't worry, I won't regret it, on the contrary, I'm very happy."

I bit my lip tightly and lowered my head, feeling some cold liquid running down the end of my eyes, falling on the snow-white quilt, forming a layer of dark circles.

long silence.

"...Is it really not going to be treated?"

I asked him tremblingly.

Jiang Qiushi let go of the hand holding me, and gently wiped away the moisture from the end of his eyes, accompanied by a sigh.

"No more treatment."

I know I am not qualified to change his life.

Jiang Qiushi did not give up on himself, nor did he treat him negatively.This is his 16-year-old desire, now, more than ten years later, finally waiting for a reason not to shrink back because of cowardice.

The conversation started with calm and ended with calm.

Jiang Qiushi actually understood that it was impossible for me to forgive him.This is unfair to Shao Qin, and unfair to my true heart that I have always misunderstood.

So he made up for it as much as possible, told the whole truth, perhaps calculated all the possible outcomes a long time ago, and then secretly blocked all the escape routes.

I can't forgive, let alone hate him.Even if you know that the other party has made a mistake, you still can't help but look for excuses to justify your growing regret and guilt.

After returning home, Gu Mingsheng called, his voice was a little tired following the current.He said that there was a problem with his work and he would be very busy for the next few days.After I finished listening, I responded with a 'yes', my mind went blank for a few seconds, and I asked, "Have you had dinner yet?"

He seemed to pause, "Not yet."

"Do you want to be together?" I looked up to the dark window, the sky in October is always dark very early, "It's already eight o'clock."

"it is good."

Gu Mingsheng was quiet for two seconds before continuing.

There was a crisp sound from the box door, and I looked up from the menu. Gu Mingsheng, who came in, took off his mask with one hand, revealing a slightly serious face. When he looked at me, he showed a smile that was the same as usual.

"Have you been waiting for a long time? There was a little traffic jam on the road just now."

"It's okay, I just arrived."

He sat down and asked naturally: "Why did you think of calling me out tonight? You never took the initiative to ask me out for dinner before."

"...I just thought of you suddenly."

"Just a sudden thought?"

Gu Mingsheng seemed dissatisfied with this answer. He met my eyes, and there was familiar warmth in the amber eyes, "Xiao Yao, I miss you all the time."

There are some hidden temptations in this warmth, which is different from the light jokes in the past.I paused for a few seconds, but didn't answer, "How are you doing with your work?"

"Some troubles." Gu Mingsheng didn't seem surprised that I would change the subject, habitually cleaned the dishes, and lowered his eyes indifferently. "It will be fine after a while. Do you want to eat anything?"

The topic was quietly revealed, and neither he nor I mentioned it again.During the meal, Gu Mingsheng was rarely quiet, and I didn't open my mouth. What I wanted to say was circling in my mind, and it didn't come to an end.But I think, maybe there is no need to speak again.

Seeing Gu Mingsheng can't change anything, I just need a little peace of mind, and talk about the depression in my heart.But when Gu Mingsheng really appeared, I felt that as long as I saw him, it was enough. Whether I asked or not, the established answer would not be shaken.

After dinner, it's nearly nine o'clock.At night, the stalls and hawkers by the river are still very lively, filled with the smell of food, and the pedestrians passing by the night tour are full of strong fireworks.

Gu Mingsheng and I took a walk around the shore, and the night scenery came into our eyes with the evening wind, soothing our restless heart little by little.His voice suddenly sounded in his ear: "Xiao Yao, do you still remember this place?"

My thoughts were interrupted, and I thought about it for a while, "...I seem to have a little impression."

Gu Mingsheng smiled, "Last year's birthday, I set off a firework for you here."

Memories flooded back with his voice.

I think of this time last year, even though it was only a year apart, it seems like a world away when I recall it, the picture is blurry, as if a pirated movie is shaking in front of my eyes from time to time.I nodded, "I remember."

Gu Mingsheng stopped and leaned against the railing that separated the river.The wind brushed the ends of his hair, the mask covered the lower half of his face, his light-colored eyes looked at Jiangmen not far away, and he said in a low voice; "Xiao Yao, do you have something to say to me?"

My heart beat a few more beats, knowing that I can't hide anything from Gu Mingsheng, so I stopped along with him, "Well, but I don't need it now."

"What happened today?"

I didn't answer.

Gu Mingsheng didn't need my answer, he could already guess what I was thinking through a period of silence and a look in his eyes, "It's time for you to see Jiang Qiu, right?"

I tightened my hands on the railing, "... yes."

"He explained it all to you, didn't he?"

I opened my lips and poured a little cold wind into my mouth, not knowing what to answer.Gu Mingsheng turned around, looked at me with dark eyes, and said word by word: "You don't ask me because you have already made a judgment in your heart, am I right?"

He guessed everything.

"Gu Mingsheng, do you think I'm worthless?" I lowered my head and held onto the cold railing tightly, "I've thought about it for a long time, but I still can't just ignore him."

"Since you already have the answer, you don't need to ask me any more."

Gu Mingsheng's sigh blew past his ears like the wind, and he couldn't hear the mood mixed in it, silently lonely.

"Xiao Yao, I will also feel uncomfortable when I hear this."

Maybe it was too cold, my limbs were a little stiff, I pursed my lips tightly and stopped talking.

The rest of the journey became silent.Before leaving, Gu Mingsheng suddenly looked at me, "Do you want to watch it again?"

"Look at what?"

He said, "Fireworks."

I said 'ah' and stood there in a daze. After a while, I shook my head, "No need."

Only a pair of eyes were exposed on Gu Mingsheng's face, which was still bright and confusing, but at this moment it seemed to be a little darker.

He didn't say much and sent me home all the way.Before getting out of the car, my brain seemed to have a twitch, "If I said yes just now, would you really play it again?"

"meeting."

Gu Mingsheng seemed to recall something, his lips slightly curved upwards, showing an increasingly genuine smile, "I remember you were very happy at that time."

"Happiness is because of surprises." I remembered that scene again, and my heart couldn't help but move, "If you say it now, there will be no such surprises."

"Right."

Gu Mingsheng raised his eyes and looked at me, under the illumination of the lights in the car, there was a touch of warmth flowing out, and his eyes flickered slightly, easily attracting all my attention.

"Xiao Yao, I can give you more gorgeous and grand fireworks now, but you don't want them anymore."

he whispered.

"It seems like everything is a little late."