God knows

I'd say there's an age where boys shouldn't just walk into girls' rooms and vice versa.Of course there are exceptions, for example: he is gay, he is a drag queen, he is your father, he is your brother, he is your fiancé approved by your whole family...

…and Sam.

Because Sam is absolutely trustworthy, kind and gentle.

"Sam, let's talk about a new relationship!" I said jokingly, jumped on his blue striped bed, sat cross-legged on it, and Phoenix sat down beside me, facing Sam.

"My dad told you!" Sam exclaimed, but then he let go of his frown. "He's always nervous, don't mind, Ann." Just from this reaction, it can be seen that the boy will subconsciously For my father's sake.

I waved my hand and said it was okay.

"Joyce, the girl from the handball team, the brown-haired one, you know?" He briefly described, but I already knew who it was. "I invited her to the prom last week, God! She agreed, she actually agreed!"

I smiled and nodded, "That's great! She will agree to show that she has a crush on you!"

"I feel the same way!" Sam said with a shy smile, and then he looked embarrassed, "Well, Ann, since you're here, I wonder if you could help me..."

"no problem!"

It turns out that boys also have problems with what they dress for proms, and I think Sam was more worried about making people gossip about dressing stiffly because the whole school knew his dad was Burt of the newsstand.

We spread out his suits on the bed to study, and discarded the ones that didn't fit, leaving only two suits to choose from.

"A lot of clothes!" I didn't know that ordinary boys would have so many clothes for formal occasions. Sam shook his head, "It's all given by relatives. You see so many clothes that don't fit..." Thinking about it, he probably didn't really order. Pass.

"He looks good in the suit on the right." Fennis, who had been silent for a long time, suddenly turned to me and said, "The cut is more neat, and he looks much taller and handsome."

I really didn't expect that Phoenix really paid attention to her surroundings.

"The one on the right," I told Sam. The boy had no idea, and put the other sets in the closet, leaving this one alone, presumably looking for time to iron it.

"Ann." Sam wiped his forehead in a similar way to Burt's. "All night, what if she's bored?"

"Honestly!" I said with a chuckle, and changed the subject, "Have you ever worried about being bored when talking to me?" I knew he wasn't worried, since Joyce and I had different positions in his heart.

"No," Sam replied, as though he had thought about it seriously, "it never seems to have happened."

I shrugged. "It's good to improvise?" Sam looked at me very disturbed.

"Joyce is a very good girl," although I don't really know her very well, but it seems and rumors are the same. "You don't need to worry or think too much, she must be very easy to get along with."

"but…"

"Don't pay too much attention to it. There are many quiet moments that are appropriate even if you don't say a word." On the contrary, the traces of embarrassment are most obvious when you are struggling to find a topic.

It was obvious that he was not persuaded.

"Talk to me about music, sports, the weather, current affairs?"

"Hmm...Ann, do you like, do you like FloraCash?"

"It's okay." I answered truthfully, seeing that his face was gloomy, and the topic couldn't continue, "Recommend my song!" I reminded pretending to whisper.

Sam nodded knowingly, but frowned for a while, and finally decided to drop the subject.

"Then do you like Fun.?"

"Nate Ruess has a great voice!" I exclaimed.

Sam nodded and said, "This album is very powerful. After listening to it at night, I will be so moved that I can't sleep, especially..."

He hummed the melody of a song, and I understood it, and I was so excited that I almost stood on Sam's bed and sang, "Yes, Iknowwithurtsatfirst, butitgetsbetter!" The most catchy line.

It gets better.

It gets better.

It gets better.

We'll get better.

It gets better.

...

"Good song." Sam was so disturbed by me, sat down in front of the desk, stretched out his hand to wipe away the tears that fell out of excitement, "Ann, this is really wonderful!"

"Tell me, are you still afraid of being bored?"

I asked him, seeing Sam shaking his head with a bright smile, his eyes became more confident.

Come home too late and I'll be beaten to death by mom, I hurried across the hallway and saw Bert flipping through a magazine on the living room couch, I knew he was waiting for me because he was flipping through old issues left over from the newsstand, Ke Mengbo Dan.

"Ann," he stood up and looked at me sincerely, "Thank you."

"No, really nothing," I said, "I didn't do anything, just spanking and chatting."

"You've done a lot, and you've helped a lot," Bert said, opening the door for me. "So much that I don't know how to repay you."

I stood on the porch and said, shaking my hands, I don't want a kind and hardworking man like Bert to owe me anything.

"I didn't do anything for Sam, he just lacked confidence."

"I know."

He spoke in a low voice, which made the porch vibrate again.

"I know, because the kid is like me."

I reached out and took Bert's thick wrist and squeezed him not to worry.

"Ann, if I had known a friend like you when I was young, Sam might have had a childhood with a mother figure."

"Bert, you're the best dad I've ever had, and I wish my dad was like you." I said, pacing off the porch, and waved back to him. "You are, just have faith."

I saw the huge figure of the newsstand Burt waving at me at the door. He watched me leave the street under the dim light. I listened to the sound of cloth shoes being wiped on the asphalt, and sang softly, Itgetsbetter , it gets better, it gets better...

"You're not as blunt as you appear to be." Phoenix walked beside me and said.

On the streets where the night is less crowded, even knowing that she is invisible in this world, the existence of Phoenix still gives me a feeling of peace of mind and makes me emboldened.

"What's the meaning?"

"Your heart is so weak that you can't stand it." Is this a compliment or a derogation? I turned my head and stared at the goddess of love. Under the night sky, her pale figure and golden hair seemed to flicker against the night. glowing.

"You're not as indifferent as you pretend." I retorted, and I think I was right.

She has been watching, even though her mouth is cold and indifferent, but she does care about those "strange humans" in her mouth.

"I can't love you without hating you."

I stopped and looked at her strangely, wondering if she knew how contradictory this sentence really was?

"Have you ever loved?" Can Eros love?

"Through humans, I can love." Phoenix said, but her tone became cold, as she always did when she talked about humans, "I 'felt' love—true love, that constant thing , no matter how time washes away, no matter how the emotions are eroded, no matter how twists and turns the fate is, that kind of thing will not change.”

"It's someone else's," I said, as if she had stolen it.

"I don't want it either." Phoenix frowned, "What I can feel, obsession, ecstasy, frustration, disappointment, possession, greed, jealousy,... these things in your love, do you think I want all of them?" Listen I am dumbfounded by this sentence.

We turned the corner and we were going home across the street.

"Those feel like waves, beating one after the other, like a loud noise, and there's nothing you can do to stop them from invading."

The feelings of the whole world and all mankind will constantly pour into her, as if she has to listen to the whispering voice day and night, and it will drive her crazy after listening to it for a long time.Only then did I know why Phoenix had to be cold, if she didn't choose a tough look, she would be overwhelmed and go berserk.

"Love is not...never a beautiful thing." Phoenix said, his eyes so calm that there was almost a twist of gloom, "Those 'they' are the noisiest, they make you have a splitting headache, you have to draw your bow It's been hard to stop something, to stop this deadly emotion..."

"...why do you think I should do my duty? Why can't I not do my duty?"

It contains too much compulsion, too much torture, love is so ugly, all the good pleasure squeezed from a person's pain...

"sorry."

After a long silence, I said, but she looked at me coldly.

"You have no idea what you're apologizing for," Phoenix said, and I couldn't argue with that, except that as a human being, I could somehow apologize for the people who made her suffer.

"I…"

"Oh," Phoenix said, looking up at my house that stood right in front of us, "I said you can't control love, and if you can control it, you need to feel guilty."

I seem to understand her subtext, because the person who makes people fall in love from beginning to end is Phoenix, and what she seems to mean is: You don’t have to feel guilty, I do, and I made those mistakes.

But on the other hand, I know the reason why she has to. At this moment, her voice is still so vague.

What is the reason for her indifference, I have no idea, I just know that I can't let go of my sympathy for her, after all, there are many tragic stories behind her existence, even if I haven't loved her yet Anyone who has ever been there still feels guilty towards her.

"Ann, you can't bear anything for others, and you can't control your fate," Phoenix said, with a mocking tone to me, "You can't control the matter of 'lover'..."

"...but if you can control 'not loving', perhaps it will be the greatest relief for me."

I didn't understand it, and I didn't understand it for a long time. It wasn't until later that I realized that what she was referring to also followed the development of fate, and there were red lights warning all the out-of-control plots, but I just Like most people, I never realized it.