winter past

Xiaoman and Yin Miaozai arrived at Hongfeng, but were stopped by a group of auxiliary policemen at the gate of the hospital.After asking, I found out that because of an emergency that injured people in the hospital, no one else was allowed to enter.Xiao Man immediately contacted Chen Wan'er, under the guise of being unwell, saying that she came to see a doctor, and the disease was urgent.Chen Wan'er came out to pick up Xiaoman in person with Xiaoman's medical report and previous hospital records. When she saw Yin Miaozai who was traveling with Xiaoman, she was taken aback for a moment, but didn't say anything. Let go.Yin Miaozai, as an accompanying family member, supported Xiaoman, who was "terminally ill" and "struggling", and entered Hongfeng together.

On the way to the office building, Yin Miaozai inquired, "Doctor Chen, what's the big fight?"

Chen Wan'er said: "I don't know the details. It seems that something happened to the patient who came for the psychological evaluation. I'm afraid it will cause public panic. The police station sent someone to deal with it. It seems that their regulations stipulated that the scene be sealed off."

Xiaoman tugged at Yin Miaozai's clothes, Yin Miaozai silently answered without asking any more questions.After entering the building, while Chen Wan'er was walking ahead alone, Xiao Man whispered to Yin Miaozai, "I have some inquiries with Dr. Chen, you go and see Lao Xing's place."

The two exchanged glances, Yin Miaozai said: "Shall I buy you a bottle of water or do you want something else? Why are you in a cold sweat again?"

Xiaoman asked Dr. Chen: "Doctor, can I drink Coke if I want?"

Chen Wan'er looked back at him.Yin Miaozai hurriedly said distressedly: "Doctor Chen, he hasn't eaten seriously for two days, could it be hypoglycemia?"

Chen Wan'er said: "Haven't eaten for two days? Or should I go to the emergency room for glucose?"

Xiaoman shook his head: "I just want to sit with you."

Chen Wan'er thought for a while, and told Yin Miaozai: "Then go to the canteen and buy some chocolates, it's in the emergency room."

Yin Miaozai agreed, and after helping Xiaoman into Chen Wan'er's office, she left them alone.As soon as Xiao Man sat down on the leather sofa chair in the office, he said, "I'm sorry, Doctor Chen, it's really... really uncomfortable." He lowered his head and retched, and Chen Wan'er quickly brought him a trash can, Hugging the trash can, with his face almost buried in it, he said in a muffled voice, "When will your next patient arrive?"

Chen Wan'er patted him and said, "It's okay, it's still early."

Xiao Man put down the trash can, wiped his mouth, covered his stomach and said, "What happened?" He raised his head and looked at Chen Wan'er: "Is it with Fu Weiqiang...and the serial murder case I investigated before?" Is it related to Fu Weiqiang, a child of the victim in the movie?"

Chen Wan'er sat on the armchair opposite Xiao Man, holding a notebook in her hand, took out a recording pen, and said, "You already know?"

Xiaoman smiled bitterly: "I knew it when I saw the notice, Fu Mouqiang, and his current name, Cao Mou, I went to him ten years ago, and he changed his name back then, to Cao Lv, right? "

Chen Wan'er said: "Cao Lv has nothing to do with you, so don't think too much about it."

Xiaoman blurted out: "Really?"

He intended to inquire about Cao Lu's attack on Mark with Chen Wan'er, and asked about Cao Lu's current situation by the way, but when he sat down in Chen Wan'er's office, it may be caused by the conditioned reflex of receiving medical treatment here for more than ten years, or Chen Wan'er The look in her eyes was too persuasive, so he couldn't help but say a few more words to her, about him meeting Lao Yao, about the ghost of the girl he saw.

He said: "Just now, I saw a family member of the victim of a cold case. It seemed that he had seen a ghost again in broad daylight. You know that I rarely see ghosts during the day, and I have really been taking medicine recently, auditory hallucinations and There are very few hallucinations."

Chen Wan'er said: "This cold case...do you think it became a cold case because of you?"

"Well, I think I have an unshirkable responsibility." Xiao Man said.At this time, he was really dizzy like when he had a hypoglycemia attack, so he lay down on the sofa, folded his arms, and lay on his side with his calves curled up slightly.

Chen Wan'er said: "Usually when we talk about responsibility, in fact, many times it is our will imposed on ourselves because of a collective consciousness of the external environment, and this 'self' is not the real you, you can imagine it as this 'self' It refers to a collection of labels. Because you have been a policeman, the policeman has become a label for you, a concept that can define you, and you naturally think that it is 'your' responsibility to investigate the case and find the truth. It is also a subconscious definition of the public for the police, but if you change your perspective and identity, this matter may have nothing to do with you. You are no longer a policeman. The influence of various factors, you should know this better than me, right?"

Xiaoman said: "You mean that I can not care about these things? I am not a policeman anymore, so I don't care about the previous things? But I don't care about these things... completely give up these things, I can't help it, maybe someone else can. Other people's 'definition' of you, abandon the 'definition' given to you by society, but I just can't do it, I can't find out the case, I feel very useless, very useless, let me not investigate, let go of them, no Thinking about them, what else can I do? What value do I have to this society? What value is there to be alive? Wouldn’t it be more muddled?”

Chen Wan'er said: "I don't know if you have heard a saying, people, in fact, the weight of people is very light, no matter men, women, old or young, we will fly to the sky at any time, this earth has not become a gathering of flying people The main reason is that since we were born, we have consciously or unconsciously tied something called "responsibility" to our feet. Children will have the responsibility to respond to the expectations of their parents. When they grow up, they will have the responsibility to repay the society. Responsibilities, the sense of mission to work and so on are also included in it, and the more we live, the more down-to-earth we become.”

Xiaoman smiled: "Isn't it because of gravity that we live down-to-earth on the earth?"

Chen Wan'er also laughed.Xiaoman said again: "Is Cao Lv really split personality? It's because he saw the real murderer when he was a child... But he didn't do anything at that time, he thought his mother was just asleep, and the murderer was a guest of his mother... He didn't do anything Do it, didn't shout, didn't stop the real culprit, that's why he..." He looked at Chen Wan'er: "I heard that he came here today for a psychological evaluation, and a foreigner did it for him, right?

"The person who hurt people you mentioned is him. He got sick and attacked the foreigner, right? I also heard that he injured himself during the interrogation and was sent to you for care. The case is qualitative. After the investigation is over, add His previous self-harm injuries improved, and he was transferred to Qingshi No. [-] Detention Center, where there is a special psychiatric area, where professionals are in charge of care."

Chen Wan'er said: "Your news came very quickly." She sighed, paused the recording, held it in her hand and tapped her chin: "It seems that you won't get it from me, but soon you will get it from someone else. Know."

She said to Xiaoman: "His lawyer helped him apply for another psychiatric evaluation by an American expert on split personality. The expert suggested that some brain scanning equipment should be used. Some drug tests were needed to test whether the drugs Cao Lu took would cause him to have side effects such as hallucinations and auditory hallucinations. The Second Detention Center could not meet the requirements of these tests, so the lawyer applied for prison guards to bring Cao Lu to Hongfeng to complete these tests. Contacted me and agreed that today I will accompany you to take the test and make an assessment. The lawyer's application was approved, and the American expert got off the plane today, and his flight seems to be ahead of schedule." Chen Wan'er looked at her watch, "It was supposed to be 04 p.m. :30 to start testing, I moved two appointments, otherwise I do have a patient at this time."

She continued: "The American expert and his two assistants rushed from the airport to Hongfeng without stopping, accompanied by Cao Lu's lawyer and a reporter. When I saw them, I said that there are too many people. For Cao Lu It will be a lot of pressure to face so many people at once, and my suggestion is that the American expert and I go to see him after he has finished his physical examination."

Xiao Man asked, "Reporter?"

"Cao Lu's lawyer hired a reporter to write a book and biography for Cao Lu, and it is said that the salary will be fully paid by the World Association for Mental Health." Chen Wan'er smiled bitterly, "Maybe the law firm can also get a cut of the royalties after publication. "

Xiao Man clicked his tongue, he looked at Chen Wan'er: "Then...you were there at that time?"

"Did you say that when Cao Lu stabbed the American expert?"

"Scarred?"

Chen Wan'er said: "American experts also think there are too many people." She pulled her hair, her expression became more bitter, "He asked me and his other female assistant to wait outside the psychological evaluation room. I went back to the third floor, they were on the sixth floor, and not long after I came down, my colleague from upstairs came over and yelled at me, saying that something happened, and Cao Lv stabbed him. A nurse saw it with her own eyes. When the foreigner was carried out of the room, a pencil was tied around his neck, blood was all over his neck, and he was convulsing non-stop.”

Xiaoman said: "That's more bad luck than good luck."

Chen Wan'er said: "We don't have the conditions here to deal with that kind of injury, so we were directly transferred to another hospital. Cao Lu was sedated and taken away by Wuhuada. He should be sent back to the detention center."

"What about the foreigner's assistant?"

"The two assistants have followed to other hospitals."

“The assistant who followed him in for a psychological evaluation wasn’t hurt? I heard the reporter and the lawyer were hurt too.”

"The assistant is fine. The assistant is in charge of video recording. He said he was standing behind the camera all the time, so nothing happened. The lawyer just got scratches on the back of his hand. I dealt with it. He said he wanted to stop it. The reporter should be because Sitting very close to Mark, got a pencil slash on the face, just barely hurt the eye, and sent us to the emergency room."

"Cao Lv's other personality did it, right?" Xiao Man sat up, rubbing his knees and staring at Chen Wan'er, "I heard that personality is called Ada or something..."

Chen Wan'er smiled awkwardly, but didn't reply.Xiaoman said again: "Cao Lu and Ada's personalities are very different, right? Fortunately, there is a video of Ada's cruelty, otherwise it would be difficult to clarify the matter of dual personality in court, right?"

Chen Wan'er sneered: "How can I put this..." She looked at Xiaoman, and Xiaoman knew that it was still inconvenient for her to disclose many things to him, so she brought the topic back to herself, and he said: "It is a good thing to feel responsible. Or is it a bad thing?"

"It's a bad thing for those who want to fly." Chen Wan'er said, she asked Xiaoman: "Did you meet by chance today? You and the victim's family..."

"No, I found it myself. Before I met him, I had already made up my mind. I still..." Xiaoman paused.

"return?"

Xiao Man almost looked into the deepest part of Chen Wan'er's eyes, he said, "I met someone recently."

Chen Wan'er couldn't help moving her butt forward, and also looked closely at Xiaoman. The two had a tendency to be honest with each other, but she didn't take up the conversation easily, and a smile appeared on her face, which lasted for a long time. It seemed to be to encourage Xiaoman Man continued.

Xiaoman couldn't help but also smiled, and said: "I know that I may not be able to deal with those emotions after meeting the victim's family, so I told that person in advance, I said I was going to see so-and-so, what should I say? Well... the person I mentioned just now is younger than me, but with him, or just thinking of him, you will feel very safe."

"Can it give you a sense of security, it doesn't matter how old you are?"

"Yes, yes..." Xiaoman rubbed his knee back and forth again, "He is amazing, he will appear when I need him most."

Xiaoman said: "He knows everything about my past, all the secrets." He is sure, "He probably knows me better than myself."

Chen Wan'er smiled and said, "I don't know if the last half sentence is a good thing or a bad thing."

Xiao Man shrugged: "I don't know, maybe we will quarrel over this matter in the future, and I may feel that he is a bit of a control freak. I don't like this feeling. I mean when I was young, I was at home, in the At work, you know about my parents... and how can homosexuality be made public in the police force."

"Your living atmosphere has always been relatively depressing."

"Let's put it this way, I still hate the feeling of being seen through. In our circle, everyone has more or less secrets, but no one will reveal other people's secrets. That feeling makes me feel very safe, it's you You can be yourself without being afraid that the consequences of being yourself will threaten your other side of life.”

As for Zhao You, he often punctured his secrets with one sentence, poked his heart, and he would explore and explore his past.Xiao Man sighed, not without self-mockery: "The person I mentioned just now, if I had met him ten years ago, I would have turned around and ran away."

"Then is it the right time for you to meet the right person?"

"What is right and what is wrong?"

"Well, just enjoy the moment."

"It's not about enjoying, it's just that it doesn't matter if we are together with this person, even if we separate in the future, it's not that I don't care about this relationship, it's just a very peaceful state, it's hard to describe, I even felt very detached for a moment , very detached."

"This may be the final state of all emotions. Complex emotions contain too many emotions. The moment you mentioned may be that many emotions have reached a certain balance. You can completely get rid of these complicated, mutually beneficial, or maybe It is a detachment from mutual hostility."

"You're speaking a little mysteriously."

"When you're with him, do you feel that it doesn't matter what you do, it's okay?" Chen Wan'er also asked him, "Do you still have auditory hallucinations and hallucinations when you're with him?"

Xiao Man shook his head and said, "But it's impossible for me to be with him 24 hours a day."

"How about the quality of your sleep recently?"

"To be honest, it's not bad." Xiaoman rubbed his heart, "It's pretty solid when I'm asleep." He said, "I don't think it's a sense of responsibility that makes people live a down-to-earth life, at least not for me, it's him It gave me a sense of reality in life that made me feel at ease, Dr. Chen, you know? He eats very seriously." Xiaoman couldn't help laughing, and made a gesture of picking up rice.He suddenly asked Chen Wan'er: "Can Cao Lu be cured? Or will he rely on medicine for the rest of his life?"

Chen Wan'er said, "Do you want to see him?"

"I want to, of course I want to."

"If you see him, what would you like to say to him?"

Xiaoman licked his lower lip: "Apologize, just like what you suggested to me, write an apology letter to those family members..." Xiaoman slapped his forehead: "I wrote the letter as a police officer before, Those people I went to see, maybe I should say sorry to them in my personal capacity, I should always say sorry to them in my personal capacity, right? Dr. Chen, right?"

This thought opened his mouth, and he rambled on and on: "I am like this, I always know the answer, but I just can't make up my mind, I just need someone to tell me, to make me understand, if I If I can see Cao Lv, I will go to Lao Yao again...I must tell them, I say..." He was emotional, choked on his saliva, and coughed.

Chen Wan'er stretched out her hand and patted the back of his hand, and said, "Xiao Man, if you apologize as a police officer and go to see those people, the result may not be the same as if you apologized as an individual. Are you sure you want to do this? Do it?"

"I don't know, I think I might...can try now." Xiaoman said, "Or should I not let them recall those painful past..." His eyes hurt, and he closed them , "This matter seems to never find the right answer."

"Cao Lu's matter has nothing to do with you." Chen Wan'er emphasized again.

Xiaoman lowered his head and hugged his head.

Chen Wan'er said: "He saw the appearance of the murderer. Later, due to brain injury, he temporarily lost that part of his memory. In a car accident last year, his brain was hit, but that part of his memory came back. He Killing, imitating the previous serial murderer, he just wants to see the person who killed his mother again. For him, seeing that person again means that his mother may be able to wake up from a long sleep Come here, he wants to go back to the past when his mother was still in the 'sleep state' in his cognition by seeing that person."

"Can you tell me about this?" Xiaoman said with a dry voice.

Chen Wan'er said: "Soon you will be able to see these things on the Internet." She sighed, "He is always afraid of the concept of women, especially pregnant women, especially women he has known in the past, I hope he can pass Re-establishing a more normal relationship with women and people he knew in the past alleviated his symptoms, and the result..."

Xiao Man rubbed her eyes and looked at Chen Wan'er. Her expression was no longer bitter, but tired.She leaned back in the armchair and looked out the window, the sun was falling on the ends of her hair, which was very pale in color.

Chen Wan'er probably noticed Xiaoman's gaze, turned back to respond to his gaze, looked at him and said: "His lawyer asked me to cooperate with the work, saying that he had found many experts, and asked me to provide my analysis report to those experts. Cao Lv was looking for the best treatment plan, he said that he believed he could be cured, but the next day he saw a media draft on the Internet, which quoted the contents of my report."

"Sorry, Doctor Chen..."

"There are no standard answers to many things. What is right for one person may be a big mistake for another." Chen Wan'er looked out the window again, "Wrong choices make us, and our whole life may be a big mistake." Always make mistakes, Xiaoman, making mistakes is normal, and avoiding is also normal. Life is very hard, painful and unbearable. Some people are lucky enough to meet someone who suffers together, so they feel some happiness in life, so they Is the illusion of happiness produced, and our life is not an illusion, an illusion? A patient once told me that he himself is not here, but he himself is lying on a bed at this moment, dying of old age , a man is about to die, and he is watching a carousel, and what he is seeing is his current life. I can’t refute it, I think he is right, maybe I am not suitable to be a psychiatrist anymore,” she smiled, The smile is very deep: "I really want to meet the person you mentioned, and I want to see how a person who eats seriously eats."

Xiaoman started to pick up the rice again, and both of them laughed.Chen Wan'er glanced at the time, got up and said, "My next patient is coming."

Xiao Man also got up, he hesitated for a while, walked in front of Chen Wan'er, opened his arms and hugged her.Chen Wan'er resisted at first, but after a while she also embraced Xiao Man's shoulders and stroked his back.