The high-risk occupation is actually me

In this place where no one knew him and he didn't need to worry about anyone, Huaci completely gave up the strings that had been stretched on him for many years, and his whole body turned into a pile of loose flesh that couldn't hold his bones.

He can't sleep all the time. When he opens his eyes, the bones all over his body hurt as if they were pulled out and inserted into his body. Only the thunderous heartbeat can be heard. Standing on the balcony, looking at the night as if sealed in a coffin, the sense of loneliness has never been so strong, but the mood is terribly peaceful.

Huaci concealed from the doctor her urge to jump off the stairs, but she couldn't hide the abnormal brain nerve activity, and couldn't hide the gradual forgetfulness and increasingly serious dyslexia.

The use of drugs made his memory of that period very vague, and it seemed that there were only discontinuous fragments such as sudden weakness or occasional severe pain in his recollection, just like a dream of chronic poisoning.

A few days before Christmas Eve, there was a little snow in London, and the pure white snowflakes slowly swayed down from the sky.

Huaci passed by a hair-haired girl who was eating ice cream while walking. Feeling the coldness of his stomach, he wrapped his clothes slightly and walked into the familiar private hospital.

He has been seeing a doctor here for two years, and the nurses are already familiar with him. After greeting them, Hua Ci took out a small gift from the trip.

"You are always so caring." Quilina accompanied him to the attending doctor's office, her voice was as gentle as ever, "You wait here first, I'll get you a snack, is it still the same?"

Hua Ci nodded with a smile.

When Jamie returned to the office, he saw Hua Ci was frowning slightly, eating cinnamon cake and watching the severe winter outside the window.

"Hua Ci, I actually don't understand why you don't like the taste of cinnamon, but you eat cinnamon cake every time you come here."

Huaci heard the sound and stood up, seeing this familiar red face.

"It's like I don't understand why you still insist on not calling me by my English name even though you can't read my Chinese name well."

Jamie said righteously: "It's because I have studied Chinese, and I am a British person who can speak Chinese!"

Huaci was amused by this cute British uncle: "Well, then I can only say that I really like the feeling that I don't like cinnamon."

Jamie shrugged and sat back at his desk.

"Don't you think it's strange that I'm like this? Could it be a precursor to some mental illness?"

"What does this have to do with illness? This can only be regarded as your personal hobby. Whether you like cinnamon cake or not is no different from your liking cinnamon cake." Jamie raised his eyebrows, "Don't put too much psychological pressure on yourself, You've entered the normal phase, and I've told you that post-emergency depression is the best thing to deal with."

Hua Ci nodded, sat down in the usual doctor's seat, and pushed the small gift in front of Jamie.

"What is this? Have you traveled again?"

Flower speech: "I just came back from Rome."

"It's so beautiful!" Jamie carefully took out the bracelet with his fingers crossed, and looked at it for a while, feeling a little puzzled, "But is this for me?"

"No." Hua Ci shook his fingers succinctly, "This is for your wife, you don't have a gift, you should have known it when you drove me back from Rome."

Jamie laughed. "Are you going to spend Christmas in Rome?"

Huaci lazily said: "It was originally like this, but your follow-up consultation really cannot be delayed by a day."

"Of course, you have a history of stopping medication on your own, and I want to be on guard against any of your behaviors that break the rules." Jamie said confidently, "Let's talk, how was your recent rest?"

Hua Ci took out the recorded daily sleep time and sleep quality monitoring: "It's much better than before. I seem to have found a good way to make myself fall asleep faster. Wear earplugs every day to listen to my breathing, and I will feel better." Become less restless."

Jamie flipped through his sleep monitoring form for the past two months, and pushed his black-rimmed glasses: "I told you a long time ago, the most important thing is your mentality, you must believe in yourself."

Huaci's smile seemed a little relaxed: "All in all, compared to being groggy and unable to wake up every day after taking antidepressants, it is much better to be able to fall asleep on your own."

After Jamie connected him to the equipment and checked, he adjusted the medicine and asked: "We have almost completed the intervention part of your psychological chain, and now the rest is the most basic starting point, are you ready today?" Did you tell me?"

Huaci was a little helpless: "You ask me this question every time, Jamie, do I have to tell the reason why I started?"

Jamie said seriously: "Of course, I can adjust your brain substance secretion problem through drugs and various external treatments, but there is no way to solve your inner problems in the same way. The root cause of your visit."

Hua Ci was silent.

Jamie smiled: "Actually, you are already great, and you have adjusted yourself very quickly. You have never resisted the behavior of diagnosis and treatment, and you have never tried to hide your true thoughts from me, except that you are occasionally a little willful."

Hua Ci laughed: "I stopped the medicine once without authorization, how long are you going to criticize me?"

"I will always criticize you. If you hadn't stopped taking the medicine and relapsed, you wouldn't have been taking the medicine for two years." Jamie picked up a pen and nodded at him, "So you still have to reject me today?"

Hua Ci was silent for two or three seconds, then sighed, "Except for you, no one in the UK would keep asking me this question, so I never had the opportunity to mention this person to others."

Every time he mentioned this topic, he was like a clam that was stimulated, closing its shell tightly, and shrinking the pain as if it was the softest clam meat, with little intention of opening its mouth.

Such a rare tone made Jamie's eyes flash with a little excitement.

Huaci took off his coat and walked to the coffee machine by the window. Just as he was about to reach out, he heard Jamie say, "Huaci, I don't recommend you to consume caffeine yet."

Huaci said pitifully: "I thought I let go, and you will let go once."

This time Jamie shook his finger at him: "No, no, no, these are two things."

Huaci had no choice but to give up, and continued to talk about his own business: "Only this person you will mention, he also won't let me drink coffee like you. Oh, I should explain to you, in China, many people think that coffee hurts their stomachs , they don’t take it for breakfast, and this guy I’m talking about says that a lot.”

Jamie didn't intervene when he paused, but just listened quietly, watching this handsome oriental man silently. His gray eyes looked out of the window from a distance, always giving people a kind of strange combination of deep and simple charm.

"But I am actually very contradictory. I don't seem to want to mention this name, but when you asked me, I seemed to be happy again... You don't know, I have never forgotten him for so long."

When he came out of the hospital, Hua Ci was immersed in what Jamie said. He lowered his head and walked away, almost ignoring the smiles of the nurses to say goodbye.

It was still afternoon when he came out, so it wasn't particularly cold, so he only wore a coat, but this outfit was not suitable for the night, so in order not to catch a cold, Hua Ci still called a taxi.

The atmosphere of Christmas on the street has gradually become stronger. Sitting in the dim taxi, Huaci's thoughts drift far away, still immersed in the conversation in the hospital just now.

"Hua Ci, have you noticed that when you tell me about this person, you always pay attention to guessing and explaining his inner thoughts?"

"Ah... I made a mistake."

"No, the way you speak is expressing your subconscious mind. When you describe a person to a psychiatrist in this way, you are actually expressing your desire for consultation to me. His behavior makes you think that he may have some mental illness, so you Ask me."

"..."

"Huaci, the story between you two is very tortuous. This reason is beyond my expectation, but its complexity shows more entry points. Your short narration can't give me a deep understanding of the relationship between the two of you. Emotion, I think what you want to hear is not just my condemnation of him."

"……Yes."

"So I put aside those moral points and cut in from your most obvious doubt point. I want to ask you a question, do you understand what it means to leave for that person? Keep referring to him in your simple narrative He cares about your leaving very much, which proves that he is more obvious in the relationship between the two of you, do you know the importance of leaving to him?"

"I know, I've never overlooked that, I've been trying to communicate it to him."

"I don't mean to condemn you, but many times your behavior is very similar to the guardians of some of my young depression patients. Instead of ignoring the abnormalities of the patients, they pay attention to those abnormal reactions, otherwise they would not come to my doctor. But they never realized what was behind the abnormality they valued. This is their neglect. They asked me if I did something wrong, if the child was too fragile, and kept looking for other reasons, but there was only one root cause , is sick, simply sick, as common as a cold and fever, but the guardians just don't want to accept this simple fact."

"..."

"So I ask you, Hua Ci, what you are wondering about is the 'leave' that you think you value very much. Do you know what this word means to him? You superficially think that 'leave' is very important to him, your' Leaving' is more scary than losing life. But from your expression, like those guardians, you just subconsciously think that you understand, think that you value it, and think that you understand. Like those parents, you express that I know that the child is sick, and at the same time Find other external results that are more acceptable to you for the child's abnormality in the deep consciousness, but you just can't accept the objective fact that the child is sick. You seem to never, in the deep consciousness, understand how important 'leaving' is to him .”

Sitting in the warm office, Hua Ci watched Jamie's lips open and close, but his body gradually became cold.

"If the fear of 'leaving' is an abnormal manifestation of his illness, there is no doctor to tell him what caused the result, and there is no correct guidance, and then to correct it. Just like those guardians who aggravate the child's condition, what they show to the child The idea is just the appearance of being a normal person, the idea you show to that person is to force him to accept that you will definitely leave. He is like those depressed children. Why did you leave, the depths have not changed in the slightest, but you have learned to accelerate the disguise of deep decay."