[Zhongyingmei] The clown is actually me

water.

Water is the source of life, 60% of the human body is water.

But when it drowned Jack, as if back in his mother's womb, he was wrapped in warm amniotic fluid.But soon, it will show its true colors, no longer as gentle as a mother, but become an eerie, calm, dead medium, which will rush into the lungs, isolate all air, and make the alveoli and A throbbing pain like a tearing blood vessel.It makes people lose up and down, loses left and right, no matter where they go, it seems that there is only an endless flow of water, it silently engulfs the drowning person to go to the depths, until he is finally as smooth as the torrent around him, and the air pressure inside and outside is balanced , People just melted in the water, sinking down, like a piece of lead.

Jack still remembered that when he was a child, he sank into the water and looked up. The water shimmered like fish scales, and he saw his mother's face in the distorted water lines.Like the oil paint melted at high temperature, all kinds of colorful colors pull out the filaments wetly.

"Mom..." There were bursts of severe pain in his chest, and he couldn't help but open his mouth, and when cold water poured into his lungs, he called out.

Mom is crazy.

Nobody knew when she went crazy, before Jack was born, or after.Her mental problems come from family inheritance. Her mother's family has a long and bloody history of mental illness. Her grandfather hacked to death his wife who had been with him for 30 years. Dead wives and children and elderly parents, self-destruction.This genetic disease is more like blood poison flowing in the body of family members, a curse like a necrosis.It makes patients aggressive, hyperactive, paranoid, and aggressive, changing from a human to a ferocious beast.

There is no doubt that the mother concealed the family history of genetic disease to marry the father, otherwise the father would not be so flustered and at a loss after she became ill.The mental state of being unable to take care of herself and the bottomless treatment expenses made her a burden to her father. The father had to be exhausted between work and life, taking care of the crazy wife while feeding the child who was waiting to be fed.

The hardships and trivialities of life quickly crushed his father's straight spine, and he chose to escape, to escape from the woman and her child who made his life plummet—even if it was his child.He recruited a few cronies, immersed himself in his so-called career, went out every day, and stayed out all night, leaving his young son and mentally disturbed wife in a cramped rental house, and the young Jack had to learn to take care of the sick His mother, when he was young, he kept asking his father for help, but every time he dialed a call, he either got a busy signal or hung up.He always said that he was very busy, very busy, very busy, busy making money, busy making friends, busy with his career, so he had no time to come back to visit his wife and children, except when the number on the bank card changed Change again.

Jack couldn't blame him, he was an unfortunate man, dragged into the vortex of fate by the woman he loved but who cheated on him.At the end of the day, the father is the mother's victim, he and he.

He stopped making phone calls and devoted himself to caring for his mother.Day after day, year after year.There were occasional moments when my mother wasn't crazy, and in her brief moments of sanity, she held Jack in her arms and wept silently, as if she could make up for his precocious childhood, or as if she wanted to stuff him back into her stomach , to protect him from being stabbed too early by the world.Jack was held in his arms, silent, gradually getting bored, his mother was too sick, and there was no filial son before the bed for a long time.

Until a sunny afternoon.

Jack still remembered his mother at that time. She put on the white dress she wore when she was young, and combed her pale golden fluffy curly hair high, proudly revealing her slender, slender neck like a swan, and her round and fair shoulders.She is still as beautiful as a girl, even more beautiful than when she married her father, as if time has never left a mark on this body.

She woke up, this time she didn't shed tears, but smiled, took Jack in her arms, and walked out of the house.

The mother took the bus with Jack in her arms and came to the edge of the city. There was a turbulent river. No one had been here for a long time on the embankment.She put Jack down on her lap, brushed his seaweed-blond hair, and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, Jack, Mom is crazy."

Jack didn't answer.

"Don't blame your father for abandoning me for him. He lived too hard because I lied to him. Please forgive me too. I passed on the disease to you and made you crazy too."

"Just like mom?"

"Just like mom."

"Then why did you have me?" Jack asked.

When the mother heard this question, two lines of hot tears suddenly shed, and she kissed Jack's forehead, cheek and lips, as if she could never see her again: "I ask you to forgive me, Jack, forgive me, forgive me ...I just wanted so badly to have a kid of my own."

Mother's tears rolled down, like hot wax tears.

She didn't cry for long, and after a while she stood up with Jack in her arms, her pale, slender arms wrapped around him tightly.She walked forward, step by step, approaching the depths of the turbulent river, and the water engulfed Jack and her like a flower falling into the water.The severe pain of suffocation tore the effective chest, and Jack knew what she wanted to do in an instant. He struggled desperately and scratched at his mother's forearm, but the latter's arms were tightly clasped like iron hoops, holding Jack to death. locked in her arms.

The darkness surged up, but at this moment, the mother's hand let go.

Jack kicked her away with both hands and feet, and swam desperately to the shore. At this moment, he forgot the identity of this woman, forgot that she was his mother. The instinct of survival overcame everything, and he stepped on her like a stone. Upstream, just for a breath of life-saving air.When he finally surfaced, and all the ethical principles in the world returned to this brain, he realized what he had just done. When he looked back, he saw his mother's face distorted by water ripples through the sparkling light. Face, she opened her mouth, gushing out a mouthful of air bubbles, and said with her lips: Think more.

Think more, Jack, she said.

After just one sentence, she let out her last breath.The powerless hand was engulfed by the surging water and slipped from Jack's palm. When the torrent separated the two of them, the pair of pale gold glasses were still half-opened, as if she still had a thousand words to say to her child. Telling, but it was too late, she couldn't accompany her child to grow up safely, and in the end, she could only condense all the instructions, all the worries, and all the passionate love into these short words: think more.

After a short sentence, Jiang Liu took his mother away, and the woman's figure disappeared under the white waves, only swayed a few times, and was never seen again.

He sat by the river for a long, long time. Under the reflection of the golden-red sunset, the surface of the river is like a piece of still silk. The brilliance of the flowing water is scattered with a mercury-like texture, and the setting sun is like blood. A life disappears in the turbulent water. , except for a few ripples on the water surface, there is no trace.

Mom is dead.

Calm down, Jack, you're not a kid anymore.

The progress of the times, the development of medicine.The once chronic disease is no longer an unbreakable curse, your disease can be effectively controlled, as long as you take the medicine as prescribed by the doctor; you have a wife who knows your medical history and is still willing to marry you; you will not become the same as your mother Crazy, you will be a mediocre ordinary person all your life, an unremarkable engineer in a chemical factory, complete your job, get a salary that is not high or low, and go to the supermarket to pick up some cheap vegetables after work, Going home to make soup for his equally mediocre wife.You can have a healthy child who will not inherit your mental illness, and you will watch him be born, grow up, marry, have a family, have his own children...you can live what you expect It's just such an ordinary life.

So, you have to overcome yourself, now, there is no fear in your heart.

Jack dragged Batman and Harry into the sewer, which is a drainage pipe leading to the sea. The water has the unique saltiness of sea water. The moment the water flowed over his head, Jack was suddenly held hostage by the coldness in the library. Suddenly, his hands and feet began to become extremely stiff, like a soldered tin soldier doll.The water reminded him again of his mother, her body as pale as new snow lying among the flowers.He thought of his mother's weeping eyes, the hot tears dripping on his arms, and her last call.

The mother didn't die, she just hid in the water.Her soul lay deep in the water, in the darkest, most inaccessible place, and when her son fell into the water, she would open her arms tenderly and embrace him, and the water... reminded Jack of her.

It's not fear.It dawned on Jack that he had never feared his mother, nor blamed her.Even though she's crazy, even though she's passed on the family's mental illness to him, even though she's messed up his and Dad's life, even though she wants to take Jack with her.But all these years he has been running away, not because of fear, all because...he missed her too much.

mom.

Jack lost all his strength, and fell heavily. Suddenly, a strong hand grabbed his collar and dragged him along the current. He fell into the arms of the man, surfaced, and landed on land. , the man laid him flat on the floor, squeezed his abdomen regularly from the back, and made him spit out the water he swallowed.Wet, sticky and cold liquid rolled out of his lips, and the tingling in his throat made Jack reflexively start to vomit, his nostrils were full of gastric acid and a strong smell of blood.With his eyes closed, he called softly like a child standing by the river many years ago: "Mom..."

No one responded, only the hand behind his back trembled slightly.