You are my sin uncrowned poem

66

After being injured, scars are left, the pain is no longer there, but the memory is long, and it is always remembered to be afraid.

It is in nature to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages.

Just like Sam couldn't forget that Dean lied to him, and Dean couldn't forget what the demon bishop with yellow eyes said.

After the inspection, the two returned to the castle. Dean insisted on going to the study room. The pile of books that he knocked down last night were still lying quietly on the carpet - without Sam's permission, demons can't step into this room .

Dean felt pinpricks of heat and pain, and Sam was right behind him, his smell as hot as lava.But Dean didn't look back, he suppressed the hunger in his instinct, leaned over to pick up the books, and stacked them back on the desk neatly.

There was an atmosphere in the study that Dean couldn't describe.

Sam wanted to urge Dean to get out of here, but Dean just shook his head and flipped through a book.

Some passages in the book were marked by Sam, and some Sam wrote a few notes on the side.The handwriting was so scribbled that Dean couldn't read what was written on it unless he read it carefully.

Dean flipped through each of the books on his desk, some with marks in them, some without.But those who have made annotations are all illegible handwriting without exception, as if the person who wrote these sentences was rushing to do something.

He walked to the bookcase and took out a book casually.There are marks and annotations in the book, but the annotations have been crossed out.The underlined handwriting is heavy and the lines are messy, and you can see how distracted the person who made this was at the time.

In the books on the bookcase, the annotations are almost all crossed out.Those lines looked like sword marks on stone to Dean's eyes, and they clearly showed Sam's mood at that time - dull, irritable, angry and hopeless. Dean can even imagine the scene at that time: Sam was sitting alone behind his desk as usual, flipping through the pages of this book, he was hopeful because of a few sentences in it, but he couldn't find it in a few words. Later, I was disappointed to find that this method did not work at all.

Disappointment brings depression at first, then stupor, and finally anger.

Yes, this ghostly, omnipresent atmosphere that permeated the study—Dean returning the book to the bookcase—was desperation.

For more than two years, more than 800 days, sleepless nights and nights, what brought Sam was nothing but constant disappointment.

Dean can't imagine, every day, when Sam walks into the study again, sits on that chair again, and opens the book he didn't finish the day before, what kind of mood does he feel?

A numb person doesn't feel angry.

The only thing Dean can confirm is that each time Sam opens the books hopefully.

Then fall into the abyss of sadness and hopelessness time and time again.

Dean felt breathless, those scribbled notes and messy scratches were recurring in his mind at this moment, screaming like a monster, piled up on his chest, and weighed heavily on his heart.He sucked in a sad breath, suddenly realizing that he had made a decision that was sure to break Sam when he was so stunned that he almost collapsed.

--At that time he thought he could turn everything around, he thought he could stop fate from developing in a direction that was destined long ago, he thought he could stop Sam from becoming a demon.

He just thought he could.

Yet he could reverse nothing.

Dean couldn't be honest about his pact with Cain.

He also couldn't honestly admit that when Azazel told him that Sam didn't really need him, he struggled to end his life as a heretic in a retributive way.

For him, that is also a good death that can't be met.

"you can……"

"I can't." As if knowing what Dean was going to say, Sam cut him off, flatly refusing.

He can't give up.

Dean closed his eyes.

"Before I killed Azazel, the demon that took over the bishop's skin, he told me..."

There is always some unwelcome follow-up brewing in a deliberate rehash. Sam looked at his brother with a little confusion, and saw his brother's sweaty cheeks and neck at the same time.Lust fermented and swelled in the smell, just like water seeping into the gap between sand and stone, instantly filling the gap between the two.

Sam couldn't help approaching, his nose fluttered, his thirsty throat made the glands under his tongue secrete fluid, he opened his lips slightly, and exhaled a hot breath gently.

"He said, you tell him you're an anomaly, and if it wasn't for my request, you wouldn't be able to keep going. He said, because of me, you're very tired." Dean's voice was hoarse with lust, and he could feel Sam's Closer, he couldn't help but gasp under his breath as Sam's hands pressed against his back.

Sam remembered these words, which he told Bishop - Azazel.

The hand resting on Dean's body froze involuntarily.

Dean was also aware of Sam's stiffness in the moment.Swallowing, he thought that at least Azazel wasn't lying about these things, he could still clearly feel the gap between him and Sam, the gap was always there, never disappeared, never healed.But he turned around anyway, the pain in his body making him lean forward, sniffing at Sam's scent, and bit his lip with his mouth open.

"The devil dares to criticize me." Dean smiled lowly, but there was no smile in his dry voice. He hugged Sam's neck and stuck his tongue into Sam's mouth.He closed his eyes again, feeling Sam's overturned kiss.

Sam pushed Dean against the bookcase, and he closed his eyes too, because he didn't want to look at the books that had disappointed him so many times.There was an air of despair everywhere in the study, and every struggle came to nothing.Just like they have to lose to the omnipotent fate time and time again, humans and demons are just ants, and no one can control their own destiny.

"He asked me how I couldn't tell you were so tired. He asked me why I didn't notice when you wanted to run away so much, to breathe under the weight of me." Dean tilted his head back so Sam could kiss his neck.He reached down and pulled the belt around Sam's waist, and roughly lifted the hem of Sam's robes, pressing his callused palms against his firm belly.

The smell made Dean's body hotter, and he swallowed repeatedly unconsciously, the sting making his movements a little rough. Sam just kissed him instead of paying attention to what he was saying.

At some point in the past, what Azazel told Dean was true. Sam did confide in his "bishop", he thought he had finally found someone he could trust, so all his worries and resentments could be vented.

Only now, those emotions are not right.

People are always changing.

But what has been said cannot be taken back, and the traces left behind cannot be erased.

Sam undressed Dean, fingering his nipples. Dean let out a nasal moan, his body trembling, but his chest puffed out, as if trying to get closer to Sam.

"Azazel said, you seem very eager to get rid of--me."

Some secrets can only be secrets, and when I hear some words, I can only resist and hide them as secrets.

It cannot be repeated, cannot be paraphrased, and cannot be exposed.

Sam's fingers resting on Dean froze again, he felt his lips go numb, and Dean's breathing made his ears ring slightly.But none of this prevented those words from penetrating into his brain word for word, eating and drilling holes in his suddenly aching brain like termites.

Sometimes he couldn't tell for himself if Dean hurt him more, or he hurt Dean more.Avoiding talking doesn't mean forgetting, like now, Dean can repeat the demon's words verbatim.

Those... what he had said to the demon.

Sam's stiffness made Dean's chest ache.Still panting, he reached up and tugged at Sam's hair to lift his head, and brought his lips against it.He took off his pants as he kissed Sam, took Sam's hand, grabbed it, and brought it to touch his stinging body.

Sam picked up Dean, squeezing his fingers between his wet, hot legs. Dean let out a long groan, and the smell on his body became stronger.The black print was as conspicuous as ever on his heaving chest, and Sam lowered his head to kiss the black print, the tip of his nose following Dean's shoulders to his neck.

so bitter.

Dean spread his legs.

Fingers tightened around Sam's hair.

He listened to Sam's gasp, swallowed, and opened his eyes to glance at the top of the study.

"I promised Cain that after killing all the Hell Knights, I will go find him."

Dean realized he didn't like the study either.

Sam hugged his leg, pushing his cock slowly into his wet pussy.

Dean screamed at the pleasure and leaned forward to kiss Sam's forehead.

"I promised to kill him."

TBC