perfect out of control

In his junior year, Kong Xinghe was only able to move his right hand. Now he is struggling to push his wheelchair. Fortunately, he is entering the internship period in his junior year and there are not many courses left. With his current situation, it is impossible for him to go to any school for internship. , can only stay at home.

I used to be able to help with cooking and sweeping the floor when I was at home, but now I can't do anything, even going to the toilet is difficult.

The doctor suggested to change to imported medicine, the effect would be better, Kong Xinghe had expected it, and asked the doctor in advance not to tell Yan Fei that, after all they couldn’t afford it anyway, the doctor reluctantly agreed.

But Yan Fei obviously knew about it. Before taking Kong Xinghe out of the hospital, he went to the attending doctor's office alone and asked Dr. Zhao, "Will his condition develop slower if he uses imported medicine?"

The doctor was left speechless by the question, and for a moment didn't know whether he should listen to his brother and take care of his plight, or listen to his brother so that he could live as long as possible.

Even an outsider finds it too difficult.

In Kong Xinghe’s sophomore year, Yan Fei and Xie Li opened a small supermarket together. They said it was a supermarket, but it was actually a canteen, and they also received express deliveries. He spends a lot of time with Kong Xinghe. He takes Kong Xinghe to Southern Normal University to attend classes every day.After opening the small supermarket, he has more time. When Kong Xinghe has no classes, he can also stay in the store.

But the profit of the small shop can't afford the expensive imported medicines. The price of Edaravone imported from Japan is several thousand, which is just a kind of medicine. The riluzole tablets that Kong Xinghe has been taking for a long time is the cheapest in a box made in China. The ones cost more than 500, and one box can only be eaten for a week.Even if Xie Li offered to lend all her savings, Yan Fei just said: "That's not enough, I can't let both of you have a bad life."

The school has been donating money for them, but it is still a drop in the bucket. Kong Xinghe has been mixing domestic and imported food, but even so, they are barely making ends meet.

Kong Xinghe saw all of Yan Fei's difficulties, Yan Fei took everything on his body, and he could only sit in a wheelchair, unable to help him at all.

Sheng Ye was thinking, when did Kong Xinghe make that decision, did it happen suddenly, or had he thought about it for a long time?Because he is really like that, on the day of the diagnosis, or the day he checked the final outcome of the ALS person on the computer, he had already thought: I want to leave decently, and when my body gives me that signal, I don’t want to leave. Procrastinating and hesitating, I don't want to be Yan Fei's burden.

But when that day really came, how could he not struggle.

Kong Xinghe must toss and turn every night, did he cry secretly after Yan Fei fell asleep?What was he thinking when he was basking in the sun outside the store and watching the children playing and chasing each other?Did he find it hideous when he saw himself paralyzed in the bathroom mirror?

Sheng Ye thought of a movie he had seen called "Source Code". Kong Xinghe was like the hero, trapped in the boundless darkness, with only a fixed and narrow screen in front of him. He was completely passive and helpless. He can't go anywhere, he can only wait for someone to turn on the screen and talk to him, and when the speaker leaves, the screen turns off, and he can only be alone in the dark, waiting.

That feeling is too suffocating.

One evening, Kong Xinghe was sitting alone outside the small shop in a daze, when a small ball rolled over and slipped under his wheelchair, a four or five-year-old boy ran over and looked at him, hesitatingly unable to speak.This scene was very simple, but it left a deep impression on Shengye. The young actor's innocent eyes seemed to be looking at a weird person in a wheelchair.With unspeakable self-ashamedness, he tried to move the wheelchair backwards with his right hand. After moving hard for a long time, he finally revealed the small ball underneath, but the little boy looked at him but still didn't approach him and didn't speak. Xinghe was just about to speak", but he did not write what Kong Xinghe wanted to say, but Sheng Ye knew at this moment, what Kong Xinghe wanted to say was: "Little friend, you can pick it up, brother can't help you."

But this sentence made him so inferior that he didn't have the courage to say it.Sheng Ye looked at the immobile little boy, the immobile ball, and his own immobile legs, feeling very sad for the words that Kong Xinghe was ashamed to say.

Then Yan Fei came over, bent down to pick up the ball, gave it to the little boy, and rubbed the little boy's hair. The boy looked up and said "thank you" shyly to Yan Fei, then turned his head and ran away.

Yan Fei came over and said, "It's getting cold outside, let me push you in."

Sheng Ye nodded, and then felt Tan Zhen's palm rubbing his hair, just like he rubbed the little boy just now.

I don't know why my nose is sore, Tan Zhen is not simply doing the actions described in the script, his hands have emotions, he knows everything.

When filming this scene, both Yan Fei and Xie Li were busy tallying goods in the store. Even during the busy hours, Yan Fei always paid attention to him.

Yan Fei is so tired...

Maybe it was on this day, when a thriving little life looked at him with such strange eyes, when his inferiority complex became what Yan Fei thought about all the time, Kong Xinghe made up his mind.

The script said that Kong Xinghe began to feel that his right hand was also beginning to struggle. Sheng Ye always thought, did Kong Xinghe really feel that his right hand was also beginning to struggle? Obviously he had already started to take imported medicine, maybe it was just because of the activities that his right hand had to shoulder The dose was too much, so he was tired and numb, how would Kong Xinghe confirm whether his illness was progressing, or was he just thinking wildly?

But later he figured it out again, Kong Xinghe could only think this way, he must think this way.

The weather is a bit cloudy today, and the natural light outside the window is not enough, so fill-in lighting was done on site. Sheng Ye sat in front of the desk, and the warm white light shone on a stack of snow-white letter papers on the desk.

He picked up the pen and put his right elbow on it. Before he finished writing the first line, tears flowed down his face.

Brother, I'm sorry, I decided to do it anyway.

It’s been five years, but I didn’t expect that I could persist for five years. Many times I wanted to die, and I always thought, if you let me persist for five years, then I will endure it again. You gave me these five years, and I am lucky. What I earn is a gift other than my fate, and I have no regrets.

Please don't be sad, and don't blame me, because this is my wish, from the moment I know what I will become in the end, I have decided like this.

Thank you for coming to the orphanage to look for me that day, thank you for not letting go of my hand, this disease is my greatest misfortune, but you are my greatest luck, even if you give me billions of glory and wealth, even if God will pass away My parents gave me back, and I am not willing to give up the luck.Saying things like this is very rebellious, just as long as you know it, don’t tell others.

If God gives me another chance to choose between a smooth and healthy life and meeting you, I will definitely choose you, so please don't be sad, because I have been very happy in this life.

You and Sister Xie Li must also be happy in this life.

In the next life, I will come to you instead, and we will be brothers again, making up for what we haven't done in this life.

——The brother who loves you the most - Kong Xinghe

Just a few short paragraphs like this, but Sheng Ye wrote for a long time, because the letter paper was constantly wet with falling tears, he had to tear it up and rewrite it again, from the first time he tore off the letter paper to the unknown number of times Ping An never interrupted him.On the other side of the monitor, Jie Pingan watched as Sheng Ye stopped writing a line, held back his tears, and continued to write another line, just like this, this scene took longer than they expected.In the end, Sheng Ye finally wrote a clean letter without any typos.

After finishing writing, he removed the Ultraman that was pressed on the letter paper, then leaned back on the wheelchair, raised his head, closed his eyes, and burst into tears.

***

In the last scene, Kong Xinghe asked the taxi driver to drive him to the beach.The yellow taxi drove slowly along the coast. It was a working day and the weather was gloomy. There were not many people on the beach in the early morning. The taxi driver frequently turned around to ask him where he was going. Kong Xinghe just patiently asked him to drive forward.

The coastline is very long, and occasionally one or two figures walking alone can be seen on the beach, until a long trestle bridge appeared in front of him, Kong Xinghe looked at the empty trestle bridge, and asked the driver to pull over and stop the car.

When helping Kong Xinghe push the wheelchair to the side of the road, the driver asked worriedly: "Young man, what are you doing here alone? You have trouble with your hands and feet, what about your family?"

Kong Xinghe smiled and looked up, "I'm waiting for someone."

"Who are you waiting for? It's almost raining today."

Looking at the trestle bridge and the stormy sea, Kong Xinghe said, "I'll wait for my first love." Then he said with a smile, "My family doesn't allow me to come."

The driver only showed a clear expression, saw that he was smiling brightly again, and was relieved, turned around and returned to the car and gave him an umbrella. Kong Xinghe was very moved after taking the umbrella, and said with red eyes, "Thank you, master. ".

This should be the last person he saw in his life, and the person who accompanied him for the last time. In his heart, he silently wished this good driver a safe life.

The taxi left, and Sheng Ye pushed the wheelchair alone, strenuously walking along the long trestle bridge, the wind was getting stronger and stronger, and soon no other sounds could be heard in his ears, only the sound of wind and waves remained.

He came to the front of the trestle bridge, and the turbid waves rolled under his feet, and the howling air and surging damp invaded his increasingly stiff and decaying body.He stroked the armrest of the wheelchair, like a final thank you.

What was Kong Xinghe thinking at this moment, Sheng Ye thought, he had better not think about anything, because if he started to think about it, he would only think about that person over and over in his mind.

The sea became violent, just like Yan Fei who was violently sweeping through his mind at this moment. He missed Yan Fei's shoulders, Yan Fei's big hands rubbing his hair, and the night when he and Yan Fei sat by the bathtub and soaked their feet. Yan Fei brought him back the frying pan that he was afraid he would not be able to handle, and missed sitting face to face with Yan Fei on the rooftop...

Nothing was written in the script, but Shengye knew that at the last moment of his life, Kong Xinghe finally mustered up the courage to confess his love to the world.Finally, it is no longer unknown, and there is still one person in this world who knows.

—Wait for someone?It looks like it's going to rain today.

——I am waiting for my first love.

This is already a beautiful, great confession.

***

Xie Li rushed to the police station and found Yan Fei squatting against the wall in the corridor outside the mortuary. The look frightened her a bit.

"Yan Fei..." She walked over carefully, knelt down in front of him, and only then did she see clearly that the piece of paper Yan Fei was holding was a sketch of the seaside.

When she came here, she heard a policeman tell her that it was a policeman reported by a female student of the Academy of Fine Arts who was sketching at the beach. She just drew Kong Xinghe's last appearance on the trestle. There is no one left.The girl immediately called the police and searched for help, but it was too late.

Xie Li choked up and shouted again: "Yan Fei..." She had tears in her eyes, "Don't do this, Kong Xinghe definitely doesn't want to see you like this..." She wanted to drag the painting from Yan Fei's hand came out, but Yan Fei held it tightly, and the thick sketching paper rustled under his palm, and it was pinched with wrinkles. Xie Li pulled it twice, fearing that the painting would be damaged, so she had to give up. She bowed her head He took out a white envelope from his satchel and said, "I found the letter Kong Xinghe left for you at home, please take a look."

Only then did Yan Fei's gaze turn to her, and Xie Li went to grab the painting in his hand again, and finally pulled it out carefully this time. She stuffed the envelope into Yan Fei's hand, saw Yan Fei hold it tightly, and almost Wrinkled the envelope.

After handing him the letter, Xie Li folded the painting, put it in her bag, got up and left.

Walking to the end of the corridor, she looked back worryingly, and saw Yan Fei staring down at the envelope, she didn't look any further, and walked around the corner.

On the envelope was written "Designed by Yan Fei". Tan Zhen knew that it was written by Sheng Ye himself the day before, but he didn't know anything else, because Sheng Ye said that he wanted to shoot this scene by himself, and hoped He can be absent.

So now that this letter was handed over to him, it was as if he had really received Kong Xinghe's last letter.

Opening the envelope, there were two pages of letter paper. He knew what was written on it, but he was still surprised.In addition to the traces after folding, there were also slanted indentations on the bottom right of the letter paper, and he immediately understood the state in which the letter was written.

When Kong Xinghe wrote this letter, he could only use his right hand. He had to write with his right hand, and he had to press the letter paper with his right wrist. Sitting in a wheelchair, he couldn’t get close to the desk like a normal person, and he couldn’t write if the letter paper was placed far away. Arrived, so only half of the letter paper was placed on the desk at first, Kong Xinghe moved it up while writing down.Those indentations were the traces that Kong Xinghe pressed the lower half of the letter paper on the edge of the desk with his right wrist, and then moved it up little by little.

Not only that, but this is a letter that has been rewritten many times. The handwriting written on the previous letter paper is left on the paper, and even the indentation from the previous letter paper remains.

There are far more things that are not written on these two pages of letter paper than what are written.

Tan Zhen didn't know why he recognized these details at a glance. When he opened the letter, he seemed to be looking for something unconsciously.

Look for those pictures that Sheng Ye didn't let him see.

When the tears kept streaming down and wet the handwriting on the letter, he understood why Kong Xinghe had to rewrite it over and over again.

He saw it all.

Jie Pingan stared at the surveillance screen, and the moment Tan Zhen cried, the corners of his eyes also became hot.It's been a long time since I've had this feeling, this feeling of suddenly being unable to see the monitor screen clearly, Jie Ping'an opened his eyes hard, hoping that the tears would not flow down so disappointingly.

But there was a sticky and humid atmosphere at the scene, which reminded him of the sobs that filled the audience when Sheng Yanfeng premiered "Shop by the Sea" many years ago.

Tan Zhen's performance is so different from Sheng Yanfeng's, but at this moment, he has the appeal of the same goal through different routes.

He thought, I don't have the chance to see Brother Sheng get the honor he deserves, but maybe I have the chance to see Tan Zhen reach the top...

***

When Sheng Ye came to the set, Tan Zhen's scene had already been filmed. Across the crowd, he saw brother Liu handing Tan Zhen a tissue. Tan Zhen was sitting on a chair with his head bowed, his back bent Pressing down very low, he took the tissue to cover his eyes, covered it for a long time before taking it off, and crumpled it in the palm of his hand.

The scene was preparing for a transition, and Sheng Ye had been standing there, watching Tan Zhen from a distance. Tan Zhen kept his back arched and his head down, only occasionally when he took a deep breath, he could see the ups and downs of his shoulders. Even his assistant Xiao Liu Brother Du stood a little far away from him.

After a while, Brother Liu walked over again and asked Tan Zhen what he was doing. Tan Zhen nodded and then straightened up. Sheng Ye saw Tan Zhen's red eyes in astonishment.

Xiao Liu handed Tan Zhen a water glass, but Tan Zhen didn't pick it up, and looked straight ahead. Xiao Liu was a little surprised, and looked in the direction Tan Zhen was looking at, and saw Sheng Ye standing at the corner of the corridor, almost dumbfounded. Even he thought he saw the ghost of Kong Xinghe.

Holding the water glass, he didn't know what to do, and wanted to greet Sheng Ye, but the atmosphere was indescribably weird. He had filmed so many scenes with Tan Zhen, and he had never encountered such a situation.

Looking down at Tan Zhen again, he was stunned when he saw the tears accumulating in Tan Zhen's eyes again.

Tan Zhen lowered his head again, and Xiao Liu hurriedly found a tissue for him, only to realize that Sheng Ye had left.