a certain Zheng Kexin

The moment Zheng Kexin heard this, she was distracted.

She suddenly remembered the spring outing that she had promised in the third grade of elementary school. There were so many people in the school that the spring outing was divided into two groups. "After packing up, I couldn't sit still in math class, and was ready to go at any time, but on the day of departure, I received the bad news that the spring trip of the senior grades was infected with cold, and the spring trip of the lower grades was cancelled.

In the limited life of a kid in the third grade, the only things that can be related to the bad news are homework and exams. At that time, the homework students were kind and kind, and the exams were not biting, and the bastards sitting in the last row all passed.

The so-called bad news is just full moon at best, and they are not yet able to work as regular workers. The world is really beautiful, and the birds are singing and the flowers are fragrant.

That morning, the children suffered the first real blow in their lives, and they were all stunned. Holding their "snack big school bag", they initially learned to be silent. One of the most noisy boys on weekdays cried aggrievedly, and after a while Immediately, weeping and crying down a large piece.

The teacher coaxed this one and that one, and finally, in order to comfort everyone, he combined the last two classes and held a small activity meeting. Everyone gathered around the table to share snacks among the students, and they could also perform a talent show if they wanted to.

Everyone was in no mood, tired of crying and their eyes were red, and took out the snacks, right to show the teacher face, watching the surrounded open space, silently chewed the biscuits and potato chips, and finally got bored, and turned out the exercises Start writing homework.

Zheng Kexin's mood at this moment is probably similar to the day in the third grade. He took off happily to the sky, jumped over the clouds to watch the fireworks, and then fell down with a bang.

However, after all, she is not a brat who can just cry and don't worry about anything. She shook her head hard to stabilize Su Yingyu, and said loudly into the phone: "Mom, don't worry, talk slowly."

Xu Niannian at the side gave her a questioning look, seeing that Zheng Kexin didn't respond, she stepped back knowingly to sort out the vegetables she bought.

Outside the window, the sky suddenly turned cloudy, and the two of them were still laughing at the weather forecast and fooling people just after they went out, broadcasting fake news all over the place, only scary but not raining, and the weather changed in such a short while.

Xu Niannian closed the windows of the messy shots in the kitchen, and heard Zheng Kexin say: "Okay, I understand, don't run around and wait for me, don't mute your phone, I'll be there right away."

Zheng Kexin's family lives on the sixteenth floor. Sheng Yunming has bad legs and cannot climb the stairs. She is too old to understand how to use the elevator. Since she moved here, she has always been accompanied by her family when she goes out. She has never gone out alone.

When Zheng Kexin and Xu Niannian were shopping in the supermarket, Su Yingyu bid farewell to Zheng Shupei who was on a business trip, thinking that Sheng Yunming wanted to eat fruit, so she went to the fruit shop to buy a bunch of grapes, and when she returned home, the house was quiet as usual.

Sheng Yunming "guarded against thieves", the door of the room was locked all the year round, she thought Sheng Yunming was asleep and didn't go to see it, after a while she made breakfast and went to knock on the door, only to find that the door was open and Sheng Yunming was gone.

Su Yingyu panicked all of a sudden, Zheng Shupei had already boarded the train, she had no choice but to call Zheng Kexin, and gave Zheng Kexin a surprise gift at the end of the holiday.

Zheng Kexin didn't know whether the joy of jumping outside was far away or hibernating, they all disappeared. She hung up the phone and put on the coat she had taken off, and shouted to Xu Niannian without looking up: "I Mom is looking for me, I'll go out for a while."

Xu Niannian didn't know the inside story, but Zheng Kexin's tone could smell surprise, she put down the things in her hand and asked, "Do you want me to accompany you?"

"No need." Zheng Kexin was stunned for a moment, and told her, "Do your homework well."

Then he took an umbrella from the cabinet and rushed out.

It took only 5 minutes for her to rush out, and this year's autumn in Lincheng ushered in the first rain.

When Zheng Kexin found Su Yingyu, Su Yingyu was holding an umbrella and looking for someone in the neighborhood next door. These two neighborhoods are not high-end neighborhoods, and the management was very loose in the past few years.

Lincheng has never been a land with many accidents. Everyone has been protected by the "peaceful years" for a long time, and they can't learn what it means to be on guard. Except for the main entrance and the garage, there are basically no surveillance cameras in the community. The leaves blocked it, and the camera in the elevator was broken and no one repaired it for a long time.

Su Yingyu cleaned up all the corners of the house, went to two neighbors' houses and asked people, and after confirming that Sheng Yunming was lost, she went all the way out. Unfortunately, when the weather suddenly changed, everyone hurried home. She is an old lady, and the security guards on duty at each gate can't tell. Most of the old people in this world are similar, and Sheng Yunming's name is not written on his forehead.

Su Yingyu was at a loss, she couldn't speak while holding Zheng Kexin's hand, Zheng Kexin supported Su Yingyu, turned herself into a crutch in her mother's hand, and forcibly supported Su Yingyu's spirit.

They called the police, checked the video, and searched the two nearby neighborhoods. With such heavy rain, Sheng Yunming had bad legs and couldn't take a taxi, so he couldn't run very far, but Zheng Kexin and Su Yingyu searched everywhere they could. I searched all over, but I couldn't find Sheng Yunming.

The umbrellas of the two of them became children's toys in the face of the heavy rain, and they didn't work at all. Zheng Kexin's whole body was spared from suffering. She dragged her wet body meaninglessly holding the umbrella, and suddenly there was a gust of wind that blinded people. Floating by, the umbrella surface suddenly folded up, the skeleton couldn't hold it up, it swayed a few times and finally broke.

For a moment, Zheng Ke felt restless and had evil thoughts.

She thought to herself, "Since you're gone, don't come back."

"You are old, confused, don't remember home, and we are your family, then just disappear and never come back."

"Please don't come to harm my family again, please let my parents go, just pretend that you never existed, I beg you, I beg you with my ten years of life."

The two of them took a shower in the rain, and they were completely soaked. In the freezing temperature, Zheng Kexin was very clear about what he was thinking.

This is her true thought, it has always been, she knows it is wrong, not good, immoral, not filial, not kind, she knows it in her heart.

Just like there are many truths in this world, everyone spreads word of mouth, who doesn't understand, but when will this world really be peaceful.

She calmly faced up to her evil thoughts.

But when she turned her face, she saw Su Yingyu's red eyes and water of unknown composition, and she could only swallow back the malice just now.

If Sheng Yunming comes back, her family will still not be able to live a normal life, but if Sheng Yunming is really lost and cannot be found, how will her mother explain to her sister, how to explain to her dead father, and how to get along with her? She explained to herself how she would live in the self-blame of losing her mother, and spend the next few decades.

The teacher showed them some law-enhancing programs before. One episode was about child abduction and trafficking. The children lost in each family are different, whether they are tall or young, male or female, but their parents all have the same face. The facial features are different, but the common emotions can create the same look.

The look on the faces of all parents who seek their children is called pain.

No matter what kind of disaster it is, as long as the wound scabs, there will always be a day of recovery, but if the lost child cannot be found, the wound on the heart of their parents will always be alive and stinging. Perhaps only the heart stops beating to be called relief.

Little Zheng Kexin, who cried for a class in other people's stories, never thought that one day her mother would have such an incurable wound in her heart. She doesn't care, she can trade her life for a family that doesn't cry and scold, but she can't care less about her mother.

In the end, regardless of the so-called fate or catastrophe, Zheng Kexin could only accept all the hypocritical statements. Sheng Yunming's presence was torture, and her absence was still torture, and she still couldn't escape.

They walked for three hours in the heavy rain with umbrellas and finally came back downstairs. Su Yingyu yelled hoarsely all the way, she was too tired to speak at the moment, but unfortunately her voice was weak and unable to resist the dense rain The sound of the missing person, which was circulated in the community, was mostly covered by the sound of the rain, and turned into a rustling unknown.

Su Yingyu sat at the door of the unit dragging her body in water for a while, thinking that Sheng Yunming would not go far, maybe she went to some house, so she wanted to get up and knock on the door.

Zheng Kexin stopped her: "Mom."

The two of them bumped into each other with their wet sleeves, and couldn't feel the body temperature. Zheng Kexin went to help her mother's cold hand. Su Yingyu didn't know whether it was cold or anxious, but her whole body was shaking.

Zheng Kexin patted her mother's hand one after another, trying to pass the temperature on her body to her, only to realize that her body temperature had long since disappeared, and she persuaded softly: "Mom, you go back and rest first, it's raining too much outside. , she can't go far, and you can't carry it if you keep looking like this, let's go home and wait for the news, okay?"

With red eyes, Su Yingyu shook her head wearily.

In Zheng Kexin's eyes, time has passed, her mother has changed from a little girl in her teens to a little girl in her forties, she has never been old.

But now, the moment Su Yingyu shook her head, Zheng Kexin suddenly saw the intertwined wrinkles on her face. It was a middle-aged face, with the turbidity of time in her eyes, and she could almost see the shadow of the former Sheng Yunming. .

"Mom." Zheng Kexin bit her lips, "Well, you go back to rest first, I'll go out and look for it, and I'll call you if I need anything, okay?"

Su Yingyu still shook her head weakly: "Your grandma is still outside."

They are all for children, Zheng Kexin can't understand her mother's mood, if her mother becomes confused and lost after decades, she will find her mother back even if she doesn't eat or drink, I'm afraid she won't listen advised.

Another round of thunder rolled by, and Zheng Kexin had no choice but to feel confused. She pointed to herself, and said in a cold voice: "Mom, I have to go to school the day after tomorrow. I have an exam when I start school. It's raining so hard outside. I'm sure I'll have a fever if I keep looking like this, so you can think about it for me, okay?"

"I'm in my third year of high school now, and I can't afford to delay." She looked at Su Yingyu aggressively, forcing her mother to compromise, and then her eyes softened, "Just wait for half an hour, let's go up and change clothes and drink some hot water. Come down, okay?"

Su Yingyu suddenly realized that the daughter she was hugging and coddling to sleep had grown up in the blink of an eye.

So fast, she was clearly a child herself.

It's so fast, no one can wait for this day.

Su Yingyu finally nodded.

The elevator jingled, Zheng Kexin helped her mother out of the elevator, raised her eyes, and saw Sheng Yunming who was talking to someone.

Zheng Kexin walked in the rain for three hours, searched every corner, and yelled countless words at the top of his voice, because he was not tired from running up and down the seven-story building, but the moment he saw Sheng Yunming , The whole person suddenly became dizzy, as if he couldn't stand up.

She remembered what Xiao Xu said to her: "The whole family searched all night, from the suburbs to the city, from the dark to the dawn, but at noon he was hungry and came back by himself."

Then her mother got divorced.

Zheng Kexin trembled and took a breath. She finally understood the resentment contained in the "then". After so many years of long-term torment, the so-called renunciation anger in people's hearts was worn away, and the desire to vent their anger was almost worn away. She stared at Sheng Yunming motionlessly, with only one thought in her mind.

She wants to kill.

She wanted to kill Sheng Yunming.

It's not the so-called impulsive killing and manslaughter, but the long-planned and imagined things that have been carried out countless times have really become reality.

There was no foreplay of screaming and scolding, she didn't have the strength to do it, she just wanted to go straight in and make Sheng Yunming completely disappear in her own world.

Zheng Kexin has wanted to kill her since she was in junior high school, and this idea pops up every three to five times, sometimes in the early morning when she is woken up by screams at five o'clock, sometimes in the middle of the night when she is disturbed by crying and cursing, sometimes in the middle of the night. Because Sheng Yunming cursed her parents with all kinds of ugly words, sometimes because Sheng Yunming cursed her deceased grandparents.

The old man's body is cold, his bones are turned into ashes, and he has to be turned out, step on his feet and spit on him—Zheng Kexin couldn't bear it anymore, and how did Zheng Shupei live with these insults.

Life is really hard.

The thought of killing was just a moment at first, but then she could think about it for a long time, and then she put on the earphones to write and draw in the notebook, imagining how the accident happened reasonably.

At first, this thought made Zheng Kexin panic, but after he calmed down and chased after Sheng Yunming's kindness, tenderness and love in his memory, he would be extremely painful and full of repentance, thinking: "How could I have such a sinful thought."

But slowly, the indestructible love can be smoothed out, and the repentance can naturally gradually dissipate, and the evil thoughts become familiar, and become a frequent visitor.

Zheng Kexin finally no longer has a grandma.

When a small needle pricks someone, it is not clear whether the wound will bleed or not. Others always think it is a trivial matter, and it will not kill people anyway, but it takes a hundred or a thousand needles to pierce a person.

However, whether it hurts or not has to be endured by oneself. Without a serious injury certificate, there is no way to tell others.

The inexplicable hatred in the eyes of the spectators in the news reports, the trivial rape incidents that are not worth mentioning, and those market stories that are turned into gossip and jokes after dinner, may all have hidden secrets that cannot be told.

Sheng Yunming was sitting on a chair in front of the house, tearfully telling the strange woman in front of her about her miserable life experience.

Her hair was newly combed, and it was gathered under an old-fashioned headband. She was wearing a cashmere sweater and a waistcoat embroidered with rich and precious flowers. The shoes are lined with cotton insoles that Su Yingyu made in advance. The insoles sold outside are too hard for Sheng Yunming to wear. Su Yingyu prepares them for her in advance every year. Old people don’t need to wear shoes, but Su Yingyu always prepares a large pile of them. .

On her chest was a jade pendant that her eldest daughter gave her as a gift during the New Year. Her body was clean and tidy without any mess. She was a decent, gentle, healthy and even kind old lady in the eyes of outsiders.

The water all over Zheng Kexin's body flowed down her skin and formed a small patch under her feet. The road next door was being built, and her shoes were covered in mud when she walked. There were mud dots splashed all over his face, and the whole person was a capitalized embarrassment.

The drowned Su Yingyu and Zheng Kexin suddenly appeared, interrupting Sheng Yunming's interest in explaining "The son-in-law stole her dried noodles and sent them to his hometown". Where did the family go, and it’s time to cook at noon, and I don’t even mention going home, I just know that I will run out all day long.”

Su Yingyu's hanging heart finally returned to its original position. She took a long breath and nodded towards the strange woman with complicated expression.

The woman looked about the same age as Su Yingyu, and explained: "We are on the seventh floor. The old lady couldn't find a home and went to our house. She couldn't stay at our house and wanted to go home. I saw her sign said It’s on the sixteenth floor, so I’ll send it back to you.”

As she said that, she took out a sign from her pocket, and Su Yingyu stepped forward to take it, only to find that half of the phone number originally written on the back of the sign had been cut out.

Su Yingyu was afraid that Sheng Yunming would get lost, so she made a sign in advance with her home address and the phone numbers of the three of them.

When Sheng Yunming was confused, he couldn't listen to anything, and when he was sober, he didn't admit that he was sick at all, and refused to wear this brand because he thought it was embarrassing. Every time, Su Yingyu tried his best to hang it on his neck, and then tried his best within a while. There are ways to hide or erase the writing on it.

Su Yingyu thanked her neighbors politely, and explained her illness to others in a low voice behind Sheng Yunming's back. Seeing that no one was paying attention to her, Sheng Yunming turned her eyes to Zheng Kexin.

"Look at how many times we have told you to buy a raincoat for our children, but you just don't listen. What do you do if you are sick? How can you be such a mother."

When Sheng Yunming fell ill, she either cried or cursed, her voice was sharp and her mouth was dirty, and none of the words she spoke could catch her ears. However, when she was awake, she spoke with a pleasant voice, with a bit of the old people's unique long ending. When she was a child, Zheng Kexin wanted to listen Stories, I like to let Sheng Yunming tell them most.

But now, Zheng Kexin only felt disgusted when she heard everything, she thought coldly: "How can you be such a mother."

Zheng Kexin watched the farce at the door of the house expressionlessly, and suddenly thought of what Xiao Xu said to her: "My dad is hungry and wants to eat."

She looked at her mother politely thanking her, and thought of Grandma Song who apologized for her son after burning down the house.

What was the camel thinking about before being crushed to death? Could it be that the resentment accumulated in this life, in the end, is just thinking about other people's stories calmly.

Su Yingyu politely sent the neighbor to the elevator entrance. The elevator was filled with the smell of turf and air-conditioning mixed with the rain outside. When the two doors slammed together with a "Dang", all Zheng Kexin's emotions disappeared.

She wants to go home.

Go back to her own home, go back to her and Xu Niannian's small rented house that is not spacious, go to recite English, watch movies, eat hot pot, do endless homework, and never come back.

She's had enough.

The author has something to say: In Zheng Kexin's eyes, time has passed, her mother has changed from a little girl in her teens to a little girl in her forties, she has never been old.