withered lover

When Du Zhinian left, the Spring Festival Gala was only halfway through, but he sat in the underground parking lot of the apartment until late at night, thinking that Shen Guiwan should be sound asleep before going upstairs.

He couldn't sort out his emotions, he was afraid that Shen Guiwan's out of control expression would scare Shen Guiwan, he originally planned to sleep in the car overnight, but he was worried that Shen Guiwan would not sleep warm at night, so he delayed going back until this time.

Du Zhinian stood in the elevator, watching the numbers on the screen jump up and down.

Du Hengyu's warning words are still lingering in his ears, he doesn't know how long he can live a peaceful life, maybe when he opens his eyes tomorrow, everything he has today will disappear.

Since childhood, people around Du Zhinian have been constantly expressing their admiration for him, envying that he was born in Du's family, envying that he is Du Hengyu's son.

But after so many years in the Du family, only he knew how suffocating life in the Du family was, so suffocating that he would lose his self-awareness at any time and die silently.

Du Zhinian looked at himself reflected on the glass of the car, rubbed his eyes, and tried hard to make it look less red.

He suppressed all the bad emotions before entering the door, but when he opened the door and saw Shen Guiwan's martin boots placed in the entrance, the suppressed emotions surged up like a flood that broke a bank.

Sadness entangled with anger was stuck in his heart, and tears blurred his vision in the sour and swollen labor pains.

Du Zhinian took a few deep breaths, and stood in the dark entrance to calm down.

The sound of trembling breathing permeated the warm air in the apartment, but there was a faint sound coming from the dimly lit bedroom.

Du Zhinian didn't hold back the expression on his face, he turned his head hastily, and saw Shen Guiwan standing at the door of the bedroom.

He forced a smile with the corners of his mouth pulled, and asked a little apologetically, "Did you wake up?"

"Can't sleep." Shen Guiwan shook his head, and walked towards him slowly stepping on his slippers.

Shen Guiwan got closer and closer, Du Zhinian turned his head away in panic, using his body to block Shen Guiwan's sight.

He lowered his head, stared at the carpet in the entrance and said tremblingly, "Happy New Year."

Shen Guiwan stopped, stood at the boundary between the living room and the kitchen, and said softly, "Happy New Year, Du Zhinian."

After a while of silence in the apartment, Du Zhinian suddenly turned around and hugged Shen Guiwan, leaning on his shoulder and exhaling foul breath.

Du Zhinian's breathing trembled violently, Shen Guiwan wrapped his arms around his shoulders and asked, "What's wrong with you?"

"Shen Guiwan, you are my lover, right?" Du Zhinian buried his head into Shen Guiwan's neck, his hot breath penetrated through the pajamas, brushing his collarbone in a nonchalant way.

Shen Guiwan responded softly: "Yes."

Du Zhinian tightened his arms, and wrapped Shen Guiwan in his arms, "Then do you know what your lover should do now?"

Shen Guiwan listened to Du Zhinian's trembling voice, pressed against Du Zhinian's side face, and replied softly: "I know."

Du Zhinian hugged Shen Guiwan and kissed carelessly, small kisses mixed with not-so-gentle nibbles, the rosy marks spread from behind Shen Guiwan's ears to his chest.

Shen Guiwan was stuck in the corner between the bed and the bedside table, his back was against the edge of the bedside table, but his waist was completely suspended.

The bedside lamp cast a dim light, and overlapping blurred shadows swayed on the carpet, gradually merging together.

Du Zhinian hugged Shen Guiwan tightly, as if he wanted to rub him into his body.

He acted fiercely, but asked Shen Guiwan over and over again in a pleading tone: "Shen Guiwan, are you willing to marry me?"

Du Zhinian desperately sought answers, his voice trembling out of tune.

"Du Zhinian, we can't get married..." Shen Guiwan couldn't hear it, and the choked answer sounded like he was crying.

Du Zhinian stroked his cheek, but he couldn't feel the moist touch as he imagined.

Shen Guiwan didn't cry, it was only because of the intense love that she made such an unbearable sound.

Du Zhinian was a little scared, afraid that Shen Guiwan would be angry afterwards, and also afraid that Shen Guiwan would reject him.

He hugged Shen Guiwan into his arms, and gently kissed Shen Guiwan's pale body.

"Let's go abroad...to get married abroad." Du Zhinian's hands holding Shen Guiwan began to tremble, "Are you willing?"

Shen Guiwan gritted his teeth and endured Du Zhinian's uncontrollable encroachment, his dark pupils were covered with mist, and the wet corners of his eyes were flushed.

"Du Zhinian, I..." He widened his eyes, tears streaming down the end of his eyes.

Shen Guiwan wanted to answer Du Zhinian, wanted to tell Du Zhinian that he could leave here, but Du Zhinian misinterpreted his desire to say something else.

"Are you unable to leave? Are you unable to leave?" Du Zhinian asked in panic, with a terrifying voice like a broken bellows in his throat, "I will find a way! I will take you away!"

He hugged Shen Guiwan, and stroked Shen Guiwan's protruding back.

Shen Guiwan was in pain all over his body, the long and piercing pain spread from the inside of his body, eroding the cracked bones, leaving patches of blue and purple bruises on the scarred skin.

Du Zhinian, who was holding him, was still saying that he wanted to take him away, over and over again, like a desperate plea for help, and like a cry of dying.

"I am willing." Shen Guiwan leaned against Du Zhinian's arms, and she answered with a trembling tone along with tears.

Du Zhinian stopped his movements, his pupils trembling as he watched Shen Guiwan, and a burst of moisture suddenly appeared in his red eyes.

He wished countless times that someone would be by his side, that he could form a family of his own, and later changed his wish to have a warm home, but was left where he was again and again.

After experiencing countless disappointments, someone finally responded to Du Zhinian's tiny expectations.

Shen Guiwan, who was dying on this bed, held his face and said word by word, "I'll go with you."

The air was filled with the smell of passion, but Shen Guiwan's body was wet.

Du Zhinian lay on top of him, his shoulders trembling constantly, hot tears dripped on Shen Guiwan's neck, then rolled down his shoulders, leaving a wet mark on the bed sheet.

Shen Guiwan stared blankly at the ceiling, his cold hands felt the frequency of Du Zhinian's shoulder trembling, and his heart also trembled.

He gently stroked Du Zhinian's head, the wet hair wrapped around his slender fingers affectionately, and he rubbed against Shen Guiwan back and forth like its owner, refusing to separate from him.

After an unknown amount of time, Du Zhinian suddenly uttered three vague syllables.

His voice trembled violently, and his words were slurred, but Shen Guiwan knew he was calling himself.

Shen Guiwan's stroking stopped, and he opened his arms to hug Du Zhinian, "I'm here."

"What do you think people live for?" Du Zhinian buried his head in Shen Guiwan's neck, and sucked his nose vigorously, "Is it just to get married and have children, to continue the blood of the previous generation?"

Shen Guiwan was silent for a while, then said: "I don't know."

Du Zhinian on his body sighed, Shen Guiwan paused, and then said: "But there are always people who hope that we can live for ourselves and live a safe and happy life, even if we accomplish nothing."

To speak lightly, but to be safe, happy and alive, Shen Guiwan can only do one thing.

"It's just living for others..." Du Zhinian's voice became softer and softer.

Shen Gui said this at the party, maybe he was really living for someone's expectations, but he didn't even have anyone who expected him to live.

Du Zhinian always thought that he was living for himself and doing what he liked, but today his dream was shattered by Du Hengyu.

From beginning to end, he just lives under the control of others, living in a slightly wider space.

His life is meaningless, all the freedom is given by Du Hengyu, compared with Shen Guiwan, he just lived a less miserable life, but he didn't suffer from skin trauma.

They are not free, they are beasts locked in a cage.

But trapped beasts also have the right to die.

Du Zhinian raised his head, and asked Shen Guiwan with red eyes: "Do you want me to live?"

"Yeah." Shen Guiwan imitated Du Zhinian's previous moves, and slowly wiped away his tears, "I hope you can live a long life."

This may be an auspicious word for Chinese New Year, but something is better than nothing.

"Don't you want me to be successful in my career?" Du Zhinian laughed, but his voice was still choked and trembling.

Shen Guiwan caressed his flushed eye sockets, "I hope you are safe and well."

Not just a smooth career, but also peace and security, no disease and no disaster.

"Don't be sad." He said softly, Du Zhinian's appearance was reflected in his clean eyes.

Du Zhinian saw his distressed appearance from Shen Guiwan's eyes, and wiped away the tears on his face indiscriminately, but it got worse and worse.

"Did it scare you just now?" He sat on the bed and turned sideways embarrassingly to prevent Shen Guiwan from looking at his face.

Shen Guiwan was silent for a while, then said vaguely: "A little bit."

Du Zhinian recalled his appearance just now, and felt that Shen Guiwan probably lied to him because he was worried that he would be sad.

Du Zhinian missed Shen Guiwan's thoughtfulness, and suddenly felt sorry for him.

Such a gentle and considerate person, how could Shen Lu be willing to beat him to pieces with such a heavy hand?

Du Zhinian was so sad that he could hardly breathe, but he could only think about it, he couldn't ask Shen Guiwan.

Shen Lu is a taboo that cannot be brought up between him and Shen Guiwan, it will explode if touched.

Sitting on the bed with his head down, Du Zhinian heard a rustling voice behind him, "I'm fine."

Shen Guiwan responded and leaned on Du Zhinian's back.

Du Zhinian's tears were still hanging on his body, and the salty liquid was brought to Du Zhinian's body when his skin was close together.

Du Zhinian turned around, grabbed the pajamas that fell on the floor and wiped off the liquid on Shen Guiwan's body, "Aren't you going to ask?"

"You can tell me if you want to. If you don't want to, there is no point in asking me any more." Shen Guiwan bent down and lay on Du Zhinian's lap to let him wipe his back.

Du Zhinian's movement of wiping froze in Shen Guiwan's answer.

That's right, it's like Shen Guiwan never mentioned his past, and he didn't know how to ask, and even shut up when he cried and begged himself not to mention Shen Lu again.

It's already been so difficult, so don't poke each other's wounds over and over again in the name of caring.

But Du Zhinian frightened Shen Guiwan tonight, and even hurt him, there must be an explanation.

"It's about my family." The scene of Du Hengyu throwing a wine glass at himself suddenly flashed in Du Zhinian's mind.

He closed his eyes, and continued after a while: "The old man in my family thinks that I like men just for fun, and forces me to go on a blind date, marry and have children."

Du Zhinian didn't mention those old events, he only chose the beginning of the contradiction to tell Shen Guiwan.

He thought of Du Hengyu's warning, and suddenly laughed out loud, "It's really funny, he didn't bother me enough, and he went to harm other people's girls, how do you think people can be so bad?"

Du Zhinian downplayed his family affairs, but Shen Guiwan had seen his emotional collapse, and knew that things couldn't be as simple as he said.

But since Du Zhinian said that, it meant that he didn't want to talk about it, or he didn't want to let himself know.

Shen Guiwan lay on Du Zhinian's lap and looked at his palm, and it took him a long time to answer: "It might be from birth."

Just like Shen Lu, some people are born scum.

Shen Guiwan lay on Du Zhinian's lap, and Du Zhinian helped him wipe his body.

The two of them were silent for a while, Du Zhinian wiped away the marks left by him, and suddenly touched Shen Guiwan's waist again.

He lightly pressed the finger marks on Shen Guiwan's waist, and asked, "Does your back hurt?"

Shen Guiwan shook his head, "It's a little sour."

Although he denied it, the body that was leaning against Du Zhinian's thigh silently moved to the side away from Du Zhinian.

Du Zhinian noticed his sneaky little movements, turned over and pressed on him.

"Then do it again." He pressed Shen Guiwan and kissed him, "Sleep after finishing."

The pajamas that were picked up to wipe away tears fell to the floor again, and even the rolled quilt was kicked under the bed by Shen Guiwan.

Du Zhinian moved as lightly as possible, while Shen Guiwan frowned lightly, with a broken moan in his throat.

He hooked Du Zhinian's neck and whispered "gentle".

Shen Guiwan's voice was very soft, with a soft tone, as if she was acting like a baby.

He was used to patience, and this little pain was nothing at all, but Du Zhinian slowed down, leaning over and kissing away the tears from the corners of his eyes.

"Does it hurt you?" Du Zhinian asked while kissing.

Shen Guiwan shook his head, his beautiful eyes gleamed faintly under the dim light, his slightly parted lips were red and moist.

His face was wet, his half-length black hair was soaked with tears and sweat, and the broken hair stuck to his cheeks and forehead, but failed to cover his watery eyes.

Du Zhinian's heart trembled when he saw it, he kissed Shen Guiwan's chest enough, then hugged him from behind and kissed the mottled back.

Shen Guiwan's back has been injured many times, those hideous bumpy scars are like the traces of sculptures being reglued after being smashed, destroying the original beauty, but adding a sense of pity and fragility.

Du Zhinian placed light kisses on the arched butterfly bones of Shen Guiwan's back, tracing the scars on Shen Guiwan's back with the tip of his tongue, and branded crimson marks on his pale skin.

The wet kiss marks covered the scar left by Shen Lu, and also erased the pain left between the skin and flesh.

Du Zhinian kissed all the scars on Shen Guiwan's body, and whispered against his cheek:

"Shen Guiwan, in the new year, you also need to be safe and smooth, and live freely."

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Merry Christmas.