winter rose

"Sorry to interrupt your sudden grief, but are you talking about Howard?"

Perry frowned.

"It's a terrible sight."

"I'm very sorry……"

She couldn't help laughing.

"You're always sorry, Bucky. But what's wrong with you." Perry smiled wryly.

"Perhaps your biggest mistake was that you failed to die for your country 70 years ago, but somehow you survived."

The Winter Soldier didn't speak, and the brim of the peaked cap on his head blocked the already hazy moonlight.Now, all Perry could see was a shadow on his face.

"We all know that being controlled is an excuse, after all, I killed people—"

"Who told you that was an excuse?"

Perry cut him off abruptly.

She felt angry, but at whom, Perry couldn't tell.

"Tomorrow, I will use my blood to draw a magic circle of a girl's heart three times your size in the room. If you want to tell me something inexplicable now, then I advise you to forget it."

After speaking, Perry walked around him and started back the same way.But within a few steps, her arm was suddenly grabbed by the Winter Soldier.

"I don't know if I'm worth it." The tone was low. "Perry, is it worth it?"

What is worth it?she thinks.

"And am I worth it?" Perry asked rhetorically.

"In other words, would you love me without those bits and pieces of Bucky Barnes?"

This might be a problem, but anyway, he froze.

"Good answer." Perry smiled.

"If you weren't Bucky Barnes, you wouldn't love me, and now you don't have the right to go beyond the level of Bucky Barnes and feel guilty for no reason."

Perry moved closer, looking into the blue eyes.

"Be yourself at whatever stage you live in. I was a ruthless military doctor in the barracks of World War II, and a mediocre clerk in peacetime. As long as I maintain these well, I don't have to think about other problems that don't belong to this stage of me. And You—" She paused. "—you don't have the memory of Bucky Barnes yet, you are still the Winter Soldier, a cold-blooded killer who should express that you are very unhappy today with a deadpan face, and you won't be happy the day after tomorrow. Well, as for what Bucky would think about and whether he loves me or not, those are not your considerations."

"All in all, it would be sad to be a person with a conscience, so it's better not to do it, anyway, I don't have a conscience, I think it's pretty good."

"If you don't have a conscience." He looked up at her, his ice blue eyes were firm.

"Then I'm still the inhuman Winter Soldier"

Perry froze for a moment.

"You hated the old Winter Soldier...do you hate me?" she asked, as if that was the most important question.

The Winter Soldier didn't understand what she meant, and after a while, he turned sideways.

"No." He added. "No."

"If you hate the Winter Soldier... then you should hate me. I remember Howard invited me to dinner after the war."

She spoke suddenly, and laughed as if thinking of something funny.

"It happened that he had food poisoning and passed out suddenly that day. I was worried that he would die like that, and I was so scared that I cried." Perry paused. "But then he was fine again. Although I didn't say to him that day, 'Howard, I care about you as a friend so you don't die'. But that's what I thought in my heart at the time."

It's getting quieter.

"Even though Howard was really good as a friend, but—" she took a sudden turn.

"—But after Howard really died, I seem to be able to accept the fact of his death."

She walked up to him and looked into those familiar blue eyes.

"So you know what I am now, Bucky? You know my conscience has been eaten by dogs! Do you really still think I'm an innocent 'fairy'?" She said the last The word bites to death.

"What the hell does PERI mean? It's a fairy." She laughed.

"I know you well enough, but do you know me? I've been carrying the word 'original sin' on me since the day of the full moon. I crushed Jasper's pride, cursed a family, and killed far more than one person. He even treated the death of his only friend coldly. So you should hate me, right? After all, this is me. So do you still think I care about something... Why did you kill someone? It's not a problem? What are you blaming yourself for..."

Perry shrugged.

"Forget it, don't feel that you have carried so many sins in your days as the Winter Soldier. And think that only Bucky Barnes is a human being. Because you don't have to let the past bother you so much. Do you think that as Bucky Barnes? Did the Howling Commandos kill fewer Axis soldiers in the days of Sergeant Farns? They were human beings, too."

He retorts almost immediately: "Bucky Barnes' purpose is not the same as the Winter Soldier's purpose."

"Then tell me, is there any difference between the two in that they essentially kill people? Or—" She moved a little closer, staring at the pair of blue eyes that were always shining in her memory.

"—the real Perry, the real Parcelope Lancaster, after you know her true colors, do you think she is different from the me you thought she was before?"

"It's no different. As long as a person makes a mistake, it is a mistake and there is no chance to make up for it." She replied herself.

"There is no heaven and no salvation in this world. Over the years, I have only opened the gates of hell, but I have never seen even an angel's feather descend to the mortal world!"

The woods became quiet, only the occasional chirping of insects and the breathing of two people could be heard.

The Winter Soldier lowered his eyes, there was a little loneliness and...

and disappointed.

But who and what he was disappointed with, he himself could not tell.

After calming down, Perry continued, "Tomorrow, I will draw an array to restore my memory. Go to bed early—"

"If only the Winter Soldier was no different than Bucky."

He suddenly looked up and interrupted her.

"If I'm supposed to be like you, I shouldn't have a conscience or humanity...then why should I restore my memory to be Bucky Barnes."

"What..." Perry panicked all of a sudden. "No, that's not what I meant—"

But the Winter Soldier cut her off again, and he breathed a sigh of relief, as if he'd been relieved of a huge burden.

He said.

"I don't want to recover my memory."

The Winter Soldier leaves.

In the morning, Perry went to the next door to wake him up. By the way, he also wanted to apologize, and calmly told him what he had been thinking about all night.

But the Winter Soldier is gone.

No note, no message.Perry just saw the empty room, and the dagger that had been given to him but had returned was sitting at the door.

She understood everything in her heart.

So sometimes it is not a good thing to know too much and have a tacit understanding, right?

She sat on the ground leaning on the sliding door, wanting to cry and laugh at the same time.She watched the pale red line on her wrist pointing to where Bucky was.

How could he not remember that he cast a spell to find him anytime and anywhere.

But his meaning is already very clear.

【"I don't want to recover my memory."】

He said so.

I'm leaving, don't come looking for me.

This is implied.

Now, it wasn't Perry who lost Bucky.

Bucky didn't want Perry anymore.

She rubbed her sore eyes, big warm tears fell on the back of her hand.

She suddenly started talking to herself:

"I hate myself to death."

Perry sat on the floor all day.

She went back to S.H.I.E.L.D., wrote a written review and took an agent security test—a lie detector of sorts.

The job has not changed, the salary has not changed, but the previous apartment has been rented out because he has been missing for a long time, and Perry can only look for it again.

Relying on his own salary as a clerk, he wants to rent an apartment in a place like New York where land is very expensive... Perry looked at the LWL rent card in his bag and put it back.

Maybe I will never use that card in my life.If last time wasn't for...

She and the people of Lancaster have maintained a superficial friendship.In fact, like when she and Jasper got into a fight in the forest, they both knew who they were supposed to stab.

I'm so tired.

"You came."

"Here we come." Perry handed a glass of water to Peggy who just woke up.

She took the glass of water, but was not in a hurry to drink it.

"You've been away for almost two months. Returning without success or...?"

"A little over two months." Perry smiled. "I found it, but he's gone."

Paige clapped her hands. "You'll find him again."

"He didn't want... didn't want me to find it. But maybe I was wrong, I shouldn't have said those things, I was just trying to say I don't care but I don't know how, how, God, he Knowing how bad I am, I made him hate me."

"Okay, okay." Peggy reassured. "It's going to be okay, maybe it's not as bad as you think—"

"No, it's bad." She cut her off.

"And it couldn't be worse... Margaret." Perry looked up at her suddenly.

"He killed Howard."

silence.

"I know."

"Varied……"

"Doctor Ifchen was related to the later Leviathan incident, but you had already left by then." Peggy paused. "After Howard died, I restarted the investigation into Hydra's secret weapon, so I knew then."

"..."

"Although I never stopped you, because as long as you love him, it's your own business. So I just want to ask you, Perry." The old woman sat up a little, looked at the pair of Confused green eyes.

"If you love him, there's always going to be something sad, or worse. But the question is, is it worth it?"

The Winter Soldier's "Is it worth it" sounded again in his mind.

What is worth it?she thinks.

Perhaps, Bucky will never realize——to her, of all the living people in this world, except Peggy Carter and himself, everything is indifferent.

What is gone can never affect what is still alive.

This sounds cruel, but it is also cruel to yourself.

Perry can't be the "you killed my so-and-so so I can't be safe with you" kind of guy.

When I was a child, I was thrown into the Tower of London with malnutrition and grew up sick. After I came out, I cursed the whole family. Innocent people were also implicated. The World War II military camp was vicious and never considered those patriotic wounded soldiers. In peacetime, I worked in important departments and said revenge. The boss did it directly.

Perry had never had anyone behind her, but now there was someone in front of her who needed her to do something.

So what else is worth it?

Is Perry a good guy?

Who would think so?

If you are not, then there is no need for you to be the kind of person who "distinguishes right from wrong".

For Howard's death, Perry is also very sad and sad.But she couldn't blame Bucky.

She didn't want Bucky to be like her, for those helpless past to affect the present.

Because Howard is dead.

But we are still alive.

For him alone, there will be more to lose.

Perry was fine, but now the problem is—

Is it worth it?

"There is no rush to answer this question. You have to take your time to think about it."

"I always lose everyone..." Perry sniffled.

"I've got no one around, Margaret. So if it's worth it, I have nothing to lose."

The old woman on the hospital bed stretched out her trembling hands to pat her sister on the head, and then said "You still have me" like when we met for the first time when I was a child.

But how long can I stay with Perry?

Peggy gave a wry smile.

People will go, Perry.People are constantly losing.

You will always know this.

The author has something to say:

Thanks to the little fairy "Oh my mother" for her understanding of this chapter before the revision

Xiuwen x1

I hope that more little fairies will share their understanding of this seemingly chaotic chapter

Thank you in advance!