night torrent

A month ago, my mother called to say that my second uncle's cousin was getting married on National Day.

Hearing the good news of his cousin, Yan Chen was both happy and sad, with complicated emotions.My cousin who is three years younger is getting married, but I am still alone at the age of 29. If I say I don't care, I am deceiving myself.

He is 1.7 meters tall and weighs about 120 catties. He is neither fat nor thin, and has a handsome appearance.With a bachelor's degree, he works as a mechanical engineer in a private enterprise specializing in power drives and automatic non-standard equipment in S City, with a monthly income of 120.Both parents in the family are dual-career, and the wedding room has already been bought, a small high-rise of [-] square meters.

Such conditions are considered to be above average in my hometown, and there are quite a few aunts and aunts in the neighborhood. It is said that Yan Shou Huan Fei can always find a satisfactory one.A few years ago, when my mother talked about the blind date, Yan Chen always used his busy work as an excuse. In addition, the S city where Yan Chen worked was thousands of miles away from his hometown, so it was beyond his reach.Now that my mother doesn't pay for work, no matter how busy she is, she can't delay the marriage.

For the blind date, there were several disputes between mother and son.This time when his cousin got married, Yan Chen was worried that his mother would be aggressive again.

In the eyes of the older generation, it is a matter of course for men and women of the right age to get married and start a family.Whose sons and daughters are still unmarried, the parents will feel ashamed.

Yan Chen couldn't agree with such a concept. Sometimes when his mother pushed her hard, an impulse would arise in his heart. He wanted to shout out: This is my life, why can't I live according to my own will?

These words rolled back and forth on the tip of his tongue several times, but Yan Chen finally swallowed them back, because even if he said them, nothing would change, and it would even attract criticism.In the minds of most parents, it is a matter of course to arrange their children's life. They extend their tentacles to every corner, interfering in dressing, eating, going to school, working, falling in love, getting married and even giving birth, as if it is not the case. It can't show the majesty of being a parent. If there is a slight abnormality in the children, a trump card for you can kill all directions, and there will be no disadvantages.

"If you get married, I can let go of my heart."

"Get married early and have children early, and I can help take care of the children while I am still in good health."

My mother has said countless similar things, pity the hearts of parents all over the world, I am afraid that all mothers in the world want their children to have a happy life, and they are afraid that they cannot help them.

Yan Chen was grateful for his mother's heart, but he couldn't respond because he didn't like women.

When Yan Chen was in high school, he found that his eyes were always focused on male classmates, and his body would have strange reactions.At that time, it was not like now that one could access information from all over the world on the Internet, and the concept of homosexuality was not popular. In addition, the heavy schoolwork occupied most of Yan Chen's energy. Not worth mentioning.

It was only after entering university that Yan Chen understood the meaning of the strangeness lurking in his heart.It is said that all roads lead to Rome, but Yan Chen feels that the life road under his feet is clearly a fork in the road. The farther he goes, the farther away he seems to be from happiness.

Mother didn't nag on the phone this time, and hung up the phone after confirming the date of going back to Yan Chen.This made Yan Chen, who was on tenterhooks, heave a sigh of relief.

The night before returning to his hometown, Han Yi knocked on Yan Chen's door with a dozen beers and snacks.

"Come in, why don't you call first, what if I'm not at home?"

"Where can a person who doesn't even have a boyfriend go after work?"

As soon as the door opened, Han Yi walked in swaggeringly.He has been here many times and is already familiar with the way.

"Aren't you single too?"

Yan Chen habitually turned back.

Han Yi was met by Yan Chen in the circle of friends by chance, maybe because he lived nearby, he would ask Yan Chen to have dinner and drink together from time to time.

Yan Chen took out the bowls and chopsticks, put the food on the table one by one, and the two started drinking.

"Is everything packed?"

"It's enough to go back for a day or two and bring a few replacement clothes."

The door of Yan Chen's room was open, and Han Yi could see the dark blue luggage on the bed at a glance.

"Why don't you stay at home for a few more days?"

"I'm afraid that if I stay at home for a long time, my mother will talk about marriage again."

Yan Chen smiled wryly.He was worried that his relatives and friends gathered at the wedding banquet would ask about the important events in his life, and he was fine, but he was afraid that his mother would think too much.When it comes to getting married, mothers are under even greater pressure.

"I see that you are living a leisurely life. Are your parents not in a hurry?"

Han Yi is 27 years old, and he is not too young.

"I came out to my parents in college."

"..."

Yan Chen stared at Han Yi in disbelief, and after a while, he regained his composure.

"When did this happen?"

"During my sophomore year."

"Then... your parents accepted?"

"I accept it now. But at that time, it really... felt like the sky fell. My mother burst into tears on the spot, and my father kicked me out of the house in a rage. I didn't go home for two years. "Han Yi rolled his eyes, with a thoughtful expression: "I went back once, but I didn't dare to go in when I got to the door, so I had to go back to school by car."

Yan Chen re-examines Han Yi.His tall and burly figure already has the taste of a mature man, but his expression and movements are still boyish, and there is no trace of pain hidden deep under his innocent expression.

"How did you come up with the idea of ​​coming out?"

"My dad saw my chat records with my friends and asked me if I had a girlfriend. I frankly said that I had a boyfriend."

"Then if your dad didn't find out, would you still come out?"

"Yes, I originally planned to tell my mother as soon as I graduated from university, but I didn't expect it to be two years earlier. Have you never thought about it?"

"I thought about it..." Yan Chen played with the wine bottle in his hand for a while, then sighed, "I can't bear to make my mother sad."

My mother is a very thoughtful person, and her health is not very good. She often suffers from headaches and brain fever.If he suddenly found out that his son was gay, Yan Chen worried that his mother would not be able to bear it.

"Then what are you going to do in the future?"

"I don't know, just take one step at a time."

Yan Chen was at a loss and didn't know where he should go. The age of 30 was approaching, even if he wanted to take one step at a time, the road under his feet became narrower and narrower. One day he would have nowhere to go.What shall we do then?Is it self-defeating or...

The sound of the door lock turning interrupted Yan Chen's train of thought, he followed the prestige and saw that his roommate Andy came back with a chill in his body.

"Hello."

Han Yi hesitated to greet Andy.Andy is usually elusive, but this is the first time Han Yi sees him.

Andy took off his blue down jacket, looked around the room and said, "Don't worry about me."

He went straight into his room, leaving Han Yi and Yan Chen looking at each other.

"That's what he looks like."

Yan Chen embarrassedly explained to Han Yi.His roommate didn't know whether it was born like this or it was caused by the day after tomorrow. Anyway, Yan Chen lived here for more than two years and Andy has always been in this cold mode.

"I think we'll be here today, and it's getting late."

"It's only past nine o'clock."

Looking at Han Yi who was about to go back, Yan Chen tried to persuade him to stay.

"Drink it next time and call me when you get back."

After speaking, Han Yi glanced at Andy's room and left.

Going back to the living room alone, Yan Chen started to clean up the leftovers on the table.

At this time, a sense of inferiority filled my heart.

Originally thought that Han Yi and himself were suffering from the same disease, and that they were a fallen man living in seclusion in this bustling city with a secret.But the conversation just now made Yan Chen see a Han Yi who accepts all of himself and lives calmly.And he is two years older than Han Yi, but he still blames God——

Why am I not heterosexual?

It seems that everyone has chosen the path they want to go, Han Yi, his cousin, and even his ex-boyfriend, but he is cowardly standing still and struggling.

The author has something to say:

This is the first time I try to create, if there are any deficiencies, please give me a lot of advice~