When can I be resurrected? [Zhongyingmei]

Freddie didn't have time to tell Carrie about [Flora's] past.

But Carrie still knew from that letter, from that call from Irene, that Freddie had been suicidal.

Obviously in front of Carrie's eyes, this young girl is so gentle and optimistic, with a strong resilience in her soul.Freddy could have turned a blind eye to the helpless her, but she chose to stay by her side, always caring about her and encouraging her.It never occurred to Carrie that Freddie had suicidal thoughts, because Freddie gave her the feeling that nothing would be enough to cloud the girl's bright eyes.

Carrie had also heard some supernatural rumors about [ghost possession], and she even thought that if she could give Freddy her life, Freddy would definitely be able to change such a boring and boring life and be able to live. A brilliant and dazzling road that is completely different from hers.

However, in the letter Freddie sent to Irene, Carrie clearly remembered that she had written——

[In my memory is full of darkness and loneliness. ]

[When I look back on this part of my life, I feel that my life was so barren. ]

[I thought about ending such a meaningless life. ]

Carrie's unstoppable sadness welled up in her heart at the thought of this, and the tears couldn't stop falling from her red eyes.She knew that the sadness at this moment was no longer for herself, but for the ghost in front of her.It was hard for her to imagine that Freddy would leave such a painful text, and the despair that she had once lost all hope was revealed between the lines.

"Has life ever failed you like this, Freddie?" asked Carrie tremblingly.

Carrie knew that the world must have given Freddie unbearable pain for her to have such suicidal thoughts.But how much disappointment must be accumulated to completely crush the strong and unyielding soul of this ghost.

All the while, Carrie was deeply grateful for Freddie being by her side.In that dim and narrow prayer room, it was Freddie who found her, and brought a warm light into her life that she had never seen before.

She didn't need any other friends, thought Carrie, except Freddie, the one and only friend.She cherished this friendship so much that she wished so much that there was something she could do to help Freddie.

However, the untouchable ghost always reminded her that it was too late.

As Freddy's missing memory clues are slowly being found, even though Freddy reunites with her loved one, and that lover is the well-known Captain America, Carrie's mood changes. more depressing.The life of Freddy she had hoped for and the life of Freddy that was revealed seemed to be completely opposite.

Carrie hoped that God would give the ghost in front of her eyes the greatest favor.

But the truth seems to be that God gave Freddie more suffering and irreparable tragedy.

Carrie had burst into tears unknowingly, and in her blurred vision, she saw a long-haired ghost floating in front of her.Freddie seemed to reach out to help her wipe away the tears, but because of his helplessness, he could only smile reassuringly with a frown.

"That's the way life is, Carrie."

The long-haired ghost said so softly, the expression on the young man's delicate face was indifferent.

"I don't know if other people's lives would be easier and easier."

"However, there are some things that cannot be chosen in the first place."

Neither of them could choose their mother, for example.

I can't decide what kind of environment I will grow up in, whether it is warm and happy, or whether it is distorted and lonely.

"There is one thing that I haven't told anyone, Carrie." Freddie didn't know that it was Carrie who endured such an embarrassing thing today, but Carrie's sadness at this time seemed to be caused by him. of.

Carrie looked at Freddy blankly, waiting for Freddy's next words.

"Stop crying, wipe your tears away, and I'll tell you again," Freddie said.

After hearing Freddy's words, Carrie stretched out her hands obediently, wiped her tear-stained face clean, and then stared at Freddy with a serious listening expression, paying special attention to what the ghost would do next. open mouth thing.

Seeing Carrie's expression like this, Freddy's smile was a little more real this time.

"After Steve brought back the letter from Erin, I don't know what happened, and slowly recovered some memories. It's just a part of the memory, and it's still intermittent, mostly about my mother Memories." Freddie told Carrie about it, "I haven't told Steve about it yet, because it's all bad memories, and it's a long time ago, and I don't want to confuse those Tell him about the heavy and depressing things."

Carrie realized that maybe the [memories] that Freddie retrieved were [memories not worth remembering].

"Sorry, there's one thing I haven't told you, Carrie." Freddie said, looking at Carrie.

- "I'm actually a man."

Carrie's pupils constricted, and her eyes widened suddenly, looking at the ghost in front of her in disbelief.

Freddie turned out not to be [her] but [he]?

"Even though I wear a long skirt, have long hair, and even look prettier than a girl, my gender is definitely male." Freddy smiled wryly, "You will think I'm a freak because of this And look at me with strange eyes?"

"No! I won't, of course I won't!" Although her brain hadn't had time to react to what Freddy said, Carrie had subconsciously given a negative answer, "I would never do that to you!" you!"

"I know you won't, Carrie, so when I told you this secret, I didn't feel much burden in my heart." Freddie had already anticipated Carrie's reaction, and he realized it, as if only When this secret was put in front of Steve, he would feel a strong sense of inferiority complex, "I actually wanted to tell you the truth earlier, but I was also worried that my male identity would make you feel uncomfortable." comfortable."

Carrie was still in a daze, her temporarily froze brain was slowly responding.

"So... does the captain know?" Carrie immediately thought of Freddy's lover.

Even at this moment, panic and fear arose, fearing that the man would not be able to accept Freddy's true gender.

"He knows." Freddy nodded. "I thought Steve didn't know, but he does."

Hearing what Freddy said, Carrie couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.Although Carrie felt bitter about Captain America's inability to protect Freddy, she also knew in her heart that that man must love Freddy deeply.

"What I want to talk about is not about Steve and me, but about my mother." Freddy continued, as the fragments of those clues appeared in front of his eyes, some fragments of memories really emerged in him "I remembered that I was a child picked up by my mother, because she had lost a daughter, so she saw me as her lost and found daughter. Even though I was a boy, she always regarded me as a child." Raised as a girl, [Flora] was also the name of that daughter."

"I remember my father going out a lot, and when my father was home, they were always arguing. After each argument, my mother would cry and hug me and tell me that she had only me." Reddy recalled the extremely vague and long past, "She loved me very much, she poured her love for her daughter into me, and gave me the best no matter what, never on me Be stingy with money, everyone knows how much she loves me."

"But at the same time, she doesn't seem to love me that much. Whenever I do something wrong, she will suddenly become a different person, become so terrible, and tell me sharply [my daughter will not do this thing]. She would lock me up coldly, and no matter how scared I was, no matter how much I admitted I was wrong, she would turn a blind eye to my cries." Freddy laughed suddenly, "You know, sometimes I I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but it's just that what I did violated her expectations for her daughter. I later realized that although I see her as my mother, in her subconscious, I may not always be Her true daughter. When I'm perfect, I'm her [sunflower]. But when I'm not good enough, I'm just a poor, flawed imitation."

"I love my mother very much, but I'm afraid of her." Freddie lowered his eyes slightly and stared at his long skirt, which not only concealed his gender, but also bound him in [Flo In La's Life], this kind of life is like another girl's life, but it is forcibly set on him, "The older I grow up, the more afraid I am."

"My mother wanted me to be a perfect lady, but I was a boy. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't change the fact that I was doomed to be imperfect." Freddie raised his eyes and looked in front of him with a face full of shock Carrie, "I am afraid that people around me will one day realize my true gender, I am afraid that I will look more and more like a man, I am afraid that in the eyes of my mother, I am becoming more and more The more imperfect she is, the less she looks like the daughter in her mind."

No matter how beautiful and energetic he was in the eyes of others, Freddy was always full of fear and gloom in his heart, and this kind of depression made him more and more frightened as his body grew.

As Steve knew—

He thinks he is full of [flaws] that cannot be filled.

"I want to be a real girl," Freddie said softly, as Steve had told him earlier, he had said it to him once, "Because I grew up as a girl and I know How beautiful I am, I like to dress myself up brightly, I like to hear people praise my beauty, I like to be everyone's sunflower. More importantly, I want to be my mother's daughter forever, And...Steve's wife."

"I used to think a lot, if only I was really a girl."

If he was a girl, he wouldn't be so embarrassed about his gender; if he were a girl, maybe his mother would love him more because he could be her daughter better; if he were a girl , and will not worry about gains and losses before facing Steve's love, and feel that there is an insurmountable obstacle between them.

The yearning to be a woman turns into the denial and inferiority of one's own masculinity.

"My mother has been in control of me, and I seem to have always followed the path she set for me, until I fell in love with Steve." Freddie's eyes darkened, "I remember, I went home that day with the little daisy Steve gave me, full of joy. I never felt so determined that no matter what my mother tried to stop me, I was going to be with Steve Rogers. "

Falling in love with Steve gave him the courage to take the step beyond the path he was set for.

He wanted to follow his heart, he wanted his mother to hear his voice.

"You know, no matter how much my mother punishes me, she will not try to hurt me, because even a trace of blood on my body will make her feel extremely distressed. But on that day, she had no scruples to force that The bouquet hit my face, the petals shattered all over the ground, and the branches left blood on my face." As Freddie recalled that day, he could still feel the bruise on his cheek. There was a dull pain, and the shattered little daisy seemed to be his trampled heart, "She is my mother, but she spurned me hysterically, she said I was a disgusting man, she scolded How can a freak like me have the face to seduce a man."

This mother loves him so much on the surface.But it can, has been destroying his spirit.

"You said, how strange is this?" Freddy had a mocking smile on his face, but it was in unspeakable pain, "Obviously, she was the one who raised me in this twisted way." In the end, she was the one who completely denied me."

"I have been working hard to be the daughter in her heart, but she sees me as a freak." Freddie couldn't understand, really couldn't understand the love and hurt his mother gave him. When love exists, The hurt has never stopped, "If she loves me as much as she said, why would she hurt me so unscrupulously?"

Carrie stared blankly at Freddy, feeling heavy and depressed in her heart, and she felt that she could completely understand Freddy's feelings.

At this moment, the long-haired ghost in front of her looked full of unspeakable fragility, as if she had lost hope in her eyes.

"I wanted to run away, but I couldn't run away. Even though I wasn't her real daughter, she still raised me, she gave me the richest life, she poured her love on me, and I remember How wonderful it is for her to love me." Freddie lowered his eyes, "I can't follow my mother's idea to give up Steve again, and I can't give up my mother for Steve. Because I'm greedy I want to have both, so I chose to avoid these problems. I think as long as I stand on this balance point and don’t destroy this balance, I can maintain the illusion of happiness.”

"But, Carrie, you know, as long as it is an illusion, it will be broken one day." Freddy stared at Carrie in front of him, "I lost my mother in the end, and I didn't wait for Steve to come back to me. "

"No, Steve..." Carrie's pupils trembled slightly, and she shook her head quickly. The captain was still by Freddy's side.

"I'm dead, Carrie." Freddie shook his head with a smile, and said the regrettable fact again calmly and calmly, "The fact is that [Flora] didn't wait for Steve to come back. "

Carrie looked at Freddy dumbly, the girl's body trembled, still unable to accept such a tragedy.

"I think, Carrie, you can also feel that I actually see my shadow in you." Freddy said.

In the dark classroom with the closed curtains, the figures of the two are so similar.

They seem to share the common darkness, the common loneliness, and the world that others cannot understand.

"It is precisely because I have been suppressed, endured, and timid all the time, but I have been afraid of change and dare not pursue what I want in my heart. Therefore, when I see you, I hope you can make a difference. choice.” Freddie so hoped that Carrie could have a brighter, unfettered life.

"But you don't have to feel sorry for me, Carrie." Freddie said with a smile, his brows and eyes brightened again, "you heard it clearly in that letter, I finally got rid of [Flora ]’s life, becoming Freddie. I found the path I really wanted to pursue, and enjoyed that life freely. Although I haven’t recovered the memory after leaving Brooklyn, I think it must be meaningful The life of the remarkable [Freddie]."

"Although I parted ways with Steve a long time ago, I know that Steve must still be giving me courage, giving me the courage to cherish this life and bravely live out my true self."

Freddie knew that being brave wasn't easy.

But if there is such a beam of light in life that one wants to grasp, it will make people have the courage to chase it.

Freddie hoped that Carrie would find the ray of light she wanted to catch.

Carrie looked at Freddy quietly. Although the ghost in her eyes was ethereal, it always seemed to be full of light that made her feel warm and reassured.As long as Freddy was by her side, she seemed no longer so hesitant and helpless.

"Don't go, Freddie."

Carrie said softly, the words were like prayers, and they were also her longing from the bottom of her heart.

Only now did she dare to speak out.

To a ghost who was supposed to go to heaven, he made such a selfish request that he can continue to stay in the world.

"As long as you look at me, I have the courage to change."

——Only with you by my side can I have the courage to live a different life.

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The author has something to say:

感谢在2021-01-1320：10：05～2021-01-1415：17：57期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦～感谢灌溉营养液的小天使：雨点鱼鱼、萤火绵绵10瓶；笼中鸟1瓶；非常感谢大家对我的支持，我会继续努力的！