When can I be resurrected? [Zhongyingmei]

The light of the world sprinkles lightly on the ground from the high rose window.

Holy and pure light, as if falling from the sky.

It's just through a side of glass that it can transmit such a gorgeous and beautiful brilliance.

The murals on the dome of the church have also left mottled traces with the passage of time, but the vicissitudes of the years cannot destroy the solemn and sacred atmosphere of this church, which has always been God's sanctuary.God has listened to the sincere praises and devout prayers of people coming and going here. From these voices, God has witnessed the joys and sorrows of this world, and the grace of God has also been given to those believers who trust Him wholeheartedly...

The extremely handsome blond man was wearing a straight gray suit, with a bouquet of white daisies in his hand.

The man came to the church alone with a bouquet, as if on a date.

However, the man sat on the bench for a long time, not knowing who he was waiting for.But there was no expectation in the man's blue eyes, he just silently stared at the colorful and gorgeous light reflected on the ground by the rose window in the distance.The man's hair was also gilded with a light golden glow, but his eyes seemed to be blinded, his resolute and handsome side face showed no expression, and the stern lines revealed the bottomless heaviness and depression in his heart.

As the sky was getting dark, the blond man with a solemn expression finally got up and came to the confession room with a bouquet in his hand.

When the dark red curtain of the confession room was drawn, most of the light was completely cut off, and the narrow and closed space made the man feel in a trance for a moment.There is also a small curtain in the room, so that the man cannot see the face of the priest sitting opposite.

"Have you any sin to confess to God?"

The solemn voice of the priest came from the other side of the curtain.

"Yes." The blond man's eyes lowered slightly, and he slowly took out a box from his suit pocket, and the box contained Freddy's pearl necklace.This was a gift he had given to Freddy, but it was still in his hands in the end.

The pearl pendant in the box shimmered faintly.

"This is my first confession."

Steve Rogers said so. He is not a Catholic believer. He may come here because he has nowhere to confide, or because he has too many words to confide with God, or he sincerely wants to Confess your sins.

"I lost my lover, and his name is Freddie." Steve's gloomy eyes in the confessional room were like lakes in the abyss, silent and dark, unable to reflect a ray of light, "Just in I lost him here three days ago. I promised him that I would wake him up at dawn, but I didn't."

At the moment of admitting [loss], the man's lips trembled slightly, and a look of unbearable pain appeared on his sculpture-like face.

It was as if this steel-like body was really suffering severe pain.

"I am guilty of breaking the promises I made time and time again."

Captain America confessed to his crimes in this remote church in Brooklyn.

"The earliest promise to Freddie is the promise I made to myself from the bottom of my heart." Steve said softly, "He is such a beautiful child, just like the most brilliant blooming under the sun in the warm spring. A little flower, delicate but full of vitality. In my eyes, he is the center, everyone is taking care of him carefully, and I want to be the one who protects him."

"However, in fact, he doesn't need my protection. On the contrary, it is me who is often protected by him. When I am bullied, I can't protect myself. He and Bucky always come forward to protect me. In front of him." When recalling the long past, Steve's stern face finally showed a bit of warm warmth, "Bucky always laughed at me about this, saying that I need to be treated by a It's really embarrassing to protect a fragile little girl."

"I think the same in my heart. I want to grow up quickly, become strong quickly, and become someone who can protect Freddy." Steve also hoped that he could grow tall and strong , but the facts disappointed him, "But even though I expected so much in my heart, I was still very thin when I grew up... I used to feel inferior because of this, because among the countless boys who pursued Freddie, I was the one The most unremarkable, the most ordinary, the weakest, and the least protective of Freddie's man. It makes me feel withdrawn, because I don't feel worthy of the girl I love, and he has better options. I think it's the same in the eyes of other people."

Even Captain America, in the face of love, has had low self-esteem and shrink back.

"There are not many people who see that I like Freddie, but only Bucky supports me. Bucky said that I have a charm that other people don't have. He said that Flora treats me differently from other boys. He said that if I really love Flora, I should speak out my love boldly without fear, instead of choosing to shrink back in silence." Steve thought of Barnes' support for him, and Bucky was his The closest brother always gives him the power of companionship and trust, "So, I mustered up the courage, just like now, holding a bouquet of small white daisies and this pearl necklace, by the quiet lakeside Express my sincerity to Freddie."

Steve can still remember, at that moment, the tension of his heart beating wildly, and the feeling of numbness and stiffness in his hands.

Everything in the whole world seemed to be vibrating with the exaggerated heartbeat, and there was no way to relax for a moment.

But in his eyes, he was able to calmly fill the [girl] with a beautiful face in front of him.

After listening to a poor confession he stumbled out of nervousness, the long-haired [girl] froze.There seemed to be surprise and struggle in the amber-like eyes, staring at him blankly, but those clean and bright eyes vaguely seemed to fill the entire lake.

[She] lowered her head and turned away.

When he thought it meant rejection, and his heart was not surprised but helplessly full of loss, he saw [the girl] stretching out her long hair, showing him the fair nape of her neck, and then the corner of [the girl]'s mouth Raising a shallow smile, she turned her head slightly to look at him.

In the end, the sparkling light on the water filled [the girl's] eyes staring at him.

Steve heard Freddie whisper to him—

[Help me put on the necklace. ]

"When he said that to me, I was so excited. My hands were shaking unbelievably, and I had been wearing that necklace for Freddie for a long time." This memory is really true. It was too beautiful, and Steve couldn't help showing a genuine smile on his face, and his empty chest seemed to suddenly feel the endless joy that suddenly surged like a huge wave, "I swear to Freddy Promise, I will always love him deeply, and I will definitely give him happiness."

However, after the wave of joy receded, what was left in my heart was a crumbling mess.

"I never gave him happiness." Steve said in such a deep voice, his tone full of firmness.

He thought he could, but it turns out he couldn't.

Even, he was the one who had been inflicting pain on Freddy's heart.

"In my eyes, Freddie has always been so enthusiastic and confident. He likes to laugh, make friends, and have fun. Nothing seems to make him look depressed. He is like a person full of energy. The little sun is always in the center of the crowd, radiating light and heat. Even if he has unpleasant emotions because of some things, it will pass quickly. It was not until that day that Freddie was drunk and I was the first Seeing him differently for the first time—” Steve recalled.

Under the influence of alcohol, behind those concealed secrets, the dark emotions that were deeply accumulated finally burst out.

That was the first time Steve saw a hysterical Freddy.

Covering his face with tears, he couldn't meet his eyes at all, but curled up in the corner trembling helplessly.

--Fragile.

That's the only word on Steve's mind, he never knew Freddie could be so [vulnerable].

It was also because of this drunkenness that Freddy finally confessed to him the biggest secret—that is, he was actually a man.

"It was the first time I saw Freddie like that, the one covering his face and crying, the one who was sensitive and inferior, the one who resisted and flinched..." Steve remembered very clearly the despair and fear on Freddy's face at that time. The expression on the verge of collapse, as if as long as he took a step back, as long as his eyes showed a little disgust, as long as he opened his mouth to say a word of repulsion, it would be enough to completely destroy Freddy's spirit.

"I was shocked by the secret that Freddie kept, but I was even more shocked by the fact that the secret of gender tortured him so much." After knowing the secret, Steve was of course surprised, but his heart ached beyond everything else. , he was annoyed at his ignorance, not only for not discovering Freddy's secret, but also for not being aware of the pain Freddy had been suffering in his heart, "It is precisely because of our love that this secret is even more tormenting." Looking at him. He wanted to tell me, but he didn't dare to tell me, and he was always tortured because of concealment."

"I don't mind Freddie's gender, I really never have." Steve said earnestly, as if hoping God would relay his words to Freddie, "Whether he's a boy , or a girl, they are all people I love deeply. I have never been shaken for a second because of the secret Freddy concealed. But I have been shaken, the relationship between me and Freddy Shouldn't it be..."

Steve's gray-blue eyes seemed to be staring at the front in a daze, and his heart was overflowing with bitter pain.

"I'm not a person who doubts feelings, and I'm not a person who is easily shaken. I know that Freddie and I are the only ones for each other. This kind of deep love cannot be replaced by anyone else, but—"

"From Irene's mouth, after so many years, I learned of Mrs. Orwell's abuse of Freddie. Not only the physical abuse, but also the endless mental torture. This punishment may be a narrow and helpless confinement, a branch that scratches his cheek, or endless verbal humiliation..."

Steve asked himself again and again, what kind of mood did Freddy come to see him each time?

Even though he knew the punishment he was about to face after going back, he was still able to keep all his fears in the deepest part of his heart and never showed them. He just came to see him with the brightest and most brilliant smile.

Perhaps, as Eileen said, he was a ray of light in Freddy's life that he tried his best to hold on to.

Even though he never got rid of the shadow that was always bound behind him, Freddie never gave up every opportunity to chase the light.

but--

"I left him again."

The blond man's expression was solemn, but his gloomy eyes were expressing a silent, heavy and irreparable pain.

"I gave him hope, I gave him light, but I went where he couldn't reach." Steve felt his own cruelty. He gently occupied Freddy's world, but he never understood Freddy. The darkness in Di's world.He loved the light in Freddy's eyes deeply, but he never expected that he would take away the light in his world with his own hands, "I left him alone in that cold home, in his ruthless and cruel I stayed beside my mother in a cage of helplessness and collapse, in the despair of suffering alone and giving up alone."

Steve knew the stubbornness in Freddy's heart.

So I also know what kind of desperate mental torture Freddy experienced day after day behind choosing to give up on him.

For so many years, he has always been in the hands of Mrs. Orwell, the sharp knife that can hurt Freddy the most.

Freddie's broken heart, with [Steve Rogers's] name etched in every bleeding wound.

"Freddie left there after that."

Steve only felt that in this small confessional room, the light was getting darker and the air was getting thinner.

"He came to the battlefield alone, following in my footsteps, which is the last path I want him to go on. Precisely because I am a soldier, I know what a cruel and terrible place the battlefield is." Freddie In Steve's eyes, it was always the delicate flower that he wanted to care for the most, but the flower that should have bloomed brilliantly went to the desert for him and withered, and was unable to resist the ammunition bombardment and was wiped out, "So , which makes me even more cruel, and the name [Steve] leads him into another abyss of pain."

"I feel like my name is a real curse."

Looking back on Freddy's life, Steve's participation was like a pair of handcuffs, keeping Freddy in the shadows.

"I remember every word Freddie said to me, he said, he didn't regret it, he didn't regret it, he said I brightened his world, he said he lived a wonderful life...but, In my eyes, every time he ran towards the light, darkness followed him. There was never a moment in his life where he lived in the light without fear." Steve's voice trembled slightly, "Maybe, It wasn't until the moment of death that he finally felt liberated, he finally didn't have to be afraid of anything."

It is precisely because of this that Freddy has no regrets.

The love Freddy gave him was too heavy and desperate, and he was doomed to die in the war.

But this love has been soaked in the baptism of war, soaked in the bloodstains along the road, soaked in the terminated life.

"There is no remorse, and there is no regret. Freddie obviously embraced death with such a mood, but I forcibly pulled him back." Steve said softly, he only felt that he was the only one in this world Just like a person, he can finally pour out the words that he kept in his heart, "It was because of my thoughts that dragged him back from peace to pain."

"He was deeply afraid of loneliness and darkness, but he became a ghost that could only wander in the dark; he obviously lost his memory, but was forced to find those painful memories one after another; he finally found peace Freedom, but finally imprisoned by my side, afraid of separation but have to experience the grief of separation again." The blond man took a deep breath, even though it was not so understanding in Freddy's eyes , but Steve couldn't help seeing it that way, "I made him miserable, and always have been."

He selfishly wanted to keep Freddie.

But with the cold, photophobic and lonely ghost always guarding his side, will Freddy be truly happy?

But no one can give Steve an answer, because Freddie is gone.

"I broke my promise, I couldn't protect him, I couldn't return to him, I couldn't hold a wedding with him, I couldn't be with him for the rest of my life..." This is the sin Steve confessed. He never gave anything to those he loved.

He is Captain America, the banner of invincibility.

People only saw him go forward bravely without hesitation, but they didn't see that he had countless regrets in his life.

Yes, he turned his head, turned his head countless times, looking at the road he had traveled.

Those who were missed, those who were never saved, those opportunities that were quietly missed, those who regretted deeply.

undoubtedly--

Flora is the purest lake water, the most delicate flowers, the brightest sunshine... and the deepest regret in Steve Rogers' heart.

Steve placed the pearl necklace carefully in the palms of both hands, and clasped his hands in a prayer pose.

The man slowly closed his eyes and rested his forehead on his hands with an extremely devout expression.

"I dreamed about him last night."

After two nights without sleep, he fell asleep on the third night.

In the dream, Freddy was still smiling at him, with the familiar upward and brilliant arc at the corner of his mouth.

He still, without hesitation, walked forward with joy in his heart and opened his hands.

However, what he embraced was illusory thoughts.

——He never stopped loving him, but lost the chance to hug him.

"I know that Freddie's life is full of belief and hardships, and I know that he has tried his best and courage. However, I have not done anything for him." Steve wanted a chance, he Pray so earnestly that God will hear his confession and give him another chance.He didn't need Freddy to have the courage to take a step towards him, as long as there was a connecting road between them, no matter how far away he was, he would definitely be able to reach Freddy.

Steve wanted to tell God—

Freddie deserves a life full of light.

It is worth opening a new road with flowers on the muddy road full of thorns that has already been walked.

It was worth letting the man who repented before His eyes spend the rest of his life paying for his sins and fulfilling those unfulfilled promises.

——"Please let him come back to me."

The blue eyes of the blond man slowly opened, his eyes were still dim, but it was as if he saw the gorgeous rose window in the church through the wall of the confessional.The beloved person with the purest soul in his heart is like that pure beam of light, coming to this world, tribulations cannot destroy him, pain cannot defeat him, and he still reflects the colorful and beautiful brilliance here.

It would have been a miracle if Freddie had come to him as a ghost—let it happen again.

Steve was looking forward to it so earnestly in his heart.

"God cannot fulfill everyone's wishes." The priest behind the curtain suddenly spoke.

Such cruel and ruthless words made the blond man's eyes dim for a moment, but he couldn't help but frown, because the priest's voice that he heard in his ear has changed... From the man's low voice before, to a woman's A hoarse voice.

"You broke your promise, but I will keep my promise."

Hearing this, Steve's expression was in a trance, and his eyes suddenly understood who the [priest] was opposite.

At this moment, a voice suddenly came from the ear, the sound made the blond man dare not move at all, his whole body tensed to the extreme, he held his breath to listen to the sound from far to near... Obviously, it was not the sound of human steps, It was the sound of a wheelchair sliding.

The strong heart in Steve's chest was almost about to jump out, and the hand holding the pearl necklace trembled uncontrollably.

The strong hope in my heart, and the unsure of the contradictions, piled up crazily in my chest at this moment.

The man's sweaty palms grabbed the red curtain beside him, and then pulled it violently, in front of his eyes——

What appeared in front of my eyes, what appeared in my dream, but it seems to have a completely different appearance...

A short-haired young man sitting in a wheelchair came before his eyes.

The young man with neat brown broken hair and a sickly pale face showed a brilliant smile at his brows and eyes.Beside the afterglow of the setting sun, there is a brilliant color in the smiling eyes.The young man was wearing a casual white men's suit, with empty trousers below his knees, but the dragged shadow of the young man actually appeared under the brilliance of the sun.

Steve stood there in a daze.

The gorgeous light under the rose window fell on the young man like the gaze of God.

The fragrance of the little daisies finally diffused from the narrow confessional, and the light of the setting sun finally penetrated the darkness behind the curtains.

The pearls on the necklace can only show their true lustrous beauty under the light.

"Steve..."

The short-haired young man stared at the man with a smile and blinked, his bright eyes were as clear as the clearest lake water.

"I seem to have missed the last train to heaven."

--------------------

The author has something to say:

完结2020/11/15-2021/03/22

Concluding remarks:

① I finished writing another sweet Meiteam cp cookie, I am very happy!Hope you like it too!

②The writing is relatively short because it is an emotional flow, and I will add a little extra later, there is a high probability that there will be an if line [see this again]

③Thank you, little angel, for seeing this. There is no plan to open a new pit below, so you can take a look at the old pit and the collection column. The Weibo is [Amateur Writer-Baozhi], I love you [Other completed works of Baozhi] →

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