Milky Way silent

We day students choose by ourselves, so naturally I only attended three sessions.

In fact, the day students in other classes only attend two quarters, but our head teacher thinks highly of us so much that he wants us to attend.

I don't care about that, it's the same everywhere.

Not much difference.

He pulled me, and I had to bend down to watch him.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"What's wrong with you?" He looked worried, although I don't know where the worry came from.

……What's wrong with me……

I'm fine.

I laughed "It's okay, I'm going back"

Then he put his schoolbag on his back and closed the classroom door and left.

It was raining when we went back.

In fact, it has been raining all afternoon, but now it is raining even more.

I still don't have an umbrella.

When I crossed the bridge, countless cars sped past me, bringing up a large amount of water and splashing it on my pants.

I tried very hard to protect the few history books in my hand.

I can get wet, books can't.

When I got back from the rain, my hair was wet.

Then take a shower.

Lin Yang looked at the few clean and dry history books I put on the table, and looked at me.

I don't think it's too embarrassing.

After the hair got wet, strands fell down and stayed wet on the forehead.

The clothes are wet and rest on the skin, which is very uncomfortable.

I don't know what Lin Yang thinks.

He finally stood at the bathroom door for a long time without saying a word.

He is holding a mobile phone in his hand, and the WeChat page is the report card for this time.

After I turned off the shower, the warm yellow shadow at the door of the toilet disappeared.

Lin Yang left a sentence "Go to bed early, it's cold"

Then he closed the door of his room.

Lin Yang closed the door very lightly, with a very low voice, but I still heard it.

I took a shower and came out, the window was open, and the wind came in from the window, I just felt very cold.

It's cold.

Inexplicably, I wanted to cry again, and that feeling came again.

I can't control myself, I wish I could die immediately.

Can't calm down, there's no way.

I stood in front of the window for a while and looked at the black river surface in the distance, but I couldn't see anything.

Nearby is the Binjiang Highway downstairs, and the street lights are still on.Sparsely.And a little sporadic, yellow halo.

Together in the rain.

The street lights here have always had two colors, yellow and white.I personally prefer yellow.

A friend once laughed at me: You are the only person who likes yellow?

He thought I would prefer Bai.Because it is very deserted, it suits me.

In fact, I think yellow, warm orange looks better.

Because everything is dyed with warm orange, it feels like it has a taste.

Pavement, trees, flowers.

Even people are more savage.

It's a pity that in the next few years, the street lights in most places in the county have been replaced with white one after another.

There are very few warm oranges left.

I didn't look at it for a long time. I waited until I felt cold and the rain drifted over. Then I closed the window and got into bed.

Go to sleep.

Get up the next day just fine.

What I didn't know was that Lin Yang stood at the door of my room for a long time afterwards.

Lin Yang didn't know that I woke up in the middle of the night and dreamed that I was still nineteen, and Daxiong stood on the podium and told me to study English hard.

neither knows.

I thought about what my deskmate asked me when I was leaving at night

"what happened to you?"

I remembered my answer "It's okay, I'm going back"

I'm fine.

What's wrong with me.

Tears flowed out of nowhere, and then I cried.

What happened... I asked myself.

what's wrong with me

I don't know how long I lay in bed, it was cold and I couldn't sleep.

So I lifted the quilt and got up.

I am calm and know exactly what I want to do.

Self-harm.

When I used to play rubber stamps, I bought a lot of tools, such as rubber stamps, small yellow and small black.

That hobby gradually dissipated, and there is still a pile of materials in the drawer.

They are all stacked in one drawer now.

I didn't get out of bed, because I was afraid of the cold, so I opened the drawer on my stomach and found a penknife.

I haven't touched these things for nearly half a year, and the blade of the pen knife has not been changed, and it is already a little dull.

It's ok, that's fine, and I don't bother to dig through the drawers again.

I looked at the penknife for a while, then at my hand, to make sure I really needed to calm down.

Otherwise you will die.

Then, I picked up the pen knife and scratched it on my hand.

I'm actually very afraid of pain, but I can't help it.

I'm emotionally exploding right now, and the only way to make me feel like I won't jump off the tenth floor is to calm myself down a bit.

After one or two strokes, he calmed down.

Pain, you can think about the problem quietly.

I turned off the light and, in the dark, worked my hands on my right arm.

I just cried a lot and took a bath, and now my whole body is still fuzzy.

Nothing particularly big feeling.

Just pick a spot, push hard, and pull down.

Then change to another place and come again.

so repeatedly.

Actually it didn't hurt much.

I felt that I calmed down slowly and felt much better.

After repeating this five or six times, I threw the penknife on the bedside table, and then pulled down the sleeves that had just been rolled up.

go to bed.

If you can't sleep, you can't sleep.

Get a good night's sleep and you'll be fine tomorrow morning.

When I was about to fall asleep slowly, those painful sensations spread little by little.

Damn...c.

This is not the first time.

I'm not interested in self-harm, but I can't help it, other than this, I can't find a way to calm down and stop myself from thinking about stabbing myself and dying.

I may be so cowardly, and I deserve it.

The first time was at the beginning of school.

For several consecutive nights after school started, as soon as I took a shower and lay down on the bed, I started to cry for no reason.

There is no way to calm down, and I can't find the reason.

After three or four days like this, I finally couldn't take it anymore and took out a knife for the first time.

That was the only time before this that I paddled with my left hand.

I only scratched it once because it hurts.

I'm afraid of pain, really.

Although now there are knife marks on the left hand, right hand and even ankle.

However, before that, I was really reluctant to draw my left hand.

it is true.

Then, after that, I will never be unable to sleep at night because I want to cry for no reason.

Half a semester has passed, and the inverted knife mark is pink and has not dissipated.

I felt very itchy for a few days when the scab first formed, but now it has been too long and I don't feel it anymore.

It doesn't itch anymore.

It's just that when you roll up your sleeves occasionally, it feels ugly.

very ugly.

That's it.

I remembered again,

I ran into Big Bear one morning and asked him why he was here so early.

He said that he found that the group of children in Class [-] always came at seven o'clock and had no time to eat.

He's going to have a look.

Then I said oh, and went back to the classroom....

I think he will be sad without us, just like he will be sad without us, just like me, but he is a teacher after all, he will have a new class, and he should be so good to the new class.

Because he is a good teacher, he is a great bear, he is really an engineer of the soul and a gardener.

And we are all flowers.

Everyone should have equal opportunities.

Just the length of time.

Although...he left.

But he also has new classes.

Even if that's not us.

Even if we are no longer his only one.

It doesn't matter though.

Even though I'm still sad.

But it's okay, it's okay.

I still have myself.

That Tuesday afternoon during the big break, the team went back to the classroom together after the big break, and I saw him on the badminton court.

He asked what classes his class had in the afternoon, and the girls in his class answered him three physical education classes.

I just saw him laughing like before, sticking out his tongue quickly

Then head down.

same as before.

He used to give us lectures, and occasionally he made a mistake, or when he couldn't remember being bullied by us, he would lower his head and stick out his tongue very quickly.

Then laugh like that.

Same thing.

That was also before.

I remembered that I was in this class, and the thing that made me... how... was that afternoon.

The little hope I had kindled before was completely wiped out at this time.

I am desperate.

Got it.

We had a sports meeting that week, which means that I am an excellent school. When athletes compete, we attend classes normally. If it doesn’t work, we go to self-study.

People who ran 3000 meters and [-] meters climbed back by themselves without water, without support, and without applause.

In this regard, I say, this school is really excellent.

Always excellent.

And it was in math class that afternoon... I almost got into a fight.

In the mathematics class that afternoon, there were more people participating in the competition. Including the student union, there may be nearly 20 fewer students in the class.

Liberal arts classes, such as mathematics, are impossible to attend classes with a small number of students.

So the teacher talked about the two difficult problems in the last week's exam, the final finale, pure alphabetic arithmetic.

To sum up in my words: the calculation is huge, the process is complicated, and the result is simple.

After the teacher finishes speaking, it is called self-study, because there are not enough people.

At this time, I started copying notes.

I told my deskmate, I said this question is so difficult, forget about the college entrance examination, I am afraid, I am afraid.

The guy in front of me looked at me, laughed, and said, isn’t it normal that you can’t afford it?

At that time, the two of them were joking and writing notes, and nothing happened.

I retaliated to him and said that I am better than you anyway.

Although my grades have dropped this semester, it is still appropriate to dump him.

This is the beginning of the story.

Later things developed, and I don't remember much of the process in between.

He said that I have only been in their class for a few days, so what qualifications do I have to comment on the clothes of the girls in their class.

And I never said anything like that.

I never judge other people's appearance.

He also said, you are a transfer student, you come to our class, you should adapt to this class, in this class, what qualifications do you have.

I quarreled with him right then.

I used to think that my personality was relatively gentle, because I had Lin Yang and my parents, and no matter how many edges and corners I had, they were smoothed out.I don't even have a bottom line, I don't turn my face easily, and I seldom get angry, almost never.Gentle skin.

Now I know, my bottom line is nineteen.

If it's good, it doesn't matter. If someone questions Nineteen, I will immediately turn my face.

I told him that I was very calm at the time, but very angry. I said, the school arranged for me to come to this class, did I ask for it?

Did I get in because I was poor at studying?

I asked him.

At this time, the teacher also intervened, and it happened that the get out of class was over.

If things stop at this point, I might just be angry for a while.

The fourth class in our school is self-study. The grades have a unified subject arrangement, but the subject teachers will not come. Usually, each class organizes it by itself.