Soot, Moonlight, Vodka

Lu Xingze felt that his life had become an elaborate lie.

He still remembers the "love at first sight" he said when he was 18 years old and courted 19-year-old Chen Zhuo.

It's ridiculous, it's completely drunk and messing around.

What is love at first sight? Lu Xingze has never been in love with anyone since he was a child.

Love was stupid, ridiculous, and base in his mind, but even so, it was something he could not have.

His peers had been in love since elementary school, middle school and high school, and Lu Xingze didn't want to be left behind, and he didn't want to be teased by his friends, so he also dated all kinds of girls and boys.

With his superior conditions, communication is very easy.

These people come and go very fast.

Soon, those who really want to develop a relationship will find that Lu Xingze does not have the ability to love someone.

He is smart, sexy, outstanding, from a good family background, rich second generation... But he can never make another person feel that he is "truly loved".

Even if he spoke the most romantic words, his eyes could not give any warmth.

When watching a romantic movie, his indifference, his dismissiveness, his wanton ridicule and banter made those who interacted with him feel uncomfortable.

"Lu, am I... just your tool?" A "lover" whose name he no longer remembers asked him: "When you need a lover to appear, let me appear so that your friends know that you Not alone?"

Maybe yes.

For Lu Xingze, the so-called love is just a performance, to prove that he is a "sound" person.

There was no particular reason why he chose Chen Zhuo, it was just that he had just dumped his last lover at that time, and urgently needed a new candidate to play his other half.

In terms of candidates, boys are better than girls. First, being with boys is very trendy and avant-garde. Second, boys can't get pregnant.

Lu Xingze helped Chen Zhuo pay off all the debts, which was only a few hundred thousand. To him, it was not enough for his pocket money for a day. It was so easy to buy a person's loyalty and love.

At that time, Lu Xingze didn't know what Chen Zhuo meant to him, but when he realized it, he had already fallen into it.

In terms of lack of love experience, Chen Zhuo and Lu Xingze are the same.

Chen Zhuo's family has been in debt for a long time, resulting in a very low self-esteem and uneasy personality. He will not take the initiative to court others. Even if others pursue him, he will feel unworthy and either run away or refuse.

And this point, Chen Zhuo told Lu Xingze frankly, he said, "With my condition, I am not qualified to fall in love. It is too late for others to hide, so I have been single all the time. Sometimes I am very lonely."

What Chen Zhuo lacked was money, what Lu Xingze lacked was the ability to love.

Lu Xingze deeply understood this feeling, but he didn't have the courage to confess himself to Chen Zhuo.

He can't do it, like Chen Zhuo, to love someone he doesn't understand without reservation and defense.

"Chen Zhuo, why do you love me?" Lu Xingze once asked this question.

"I don't know." Chen Zhuo thought for a long time before answering.

It was the first time that Lu Xingze received such an answer, it was not a compliment to him, it was not a compliment to those false appearances he had pretended, it was not gratitude to him for his kindness, but "I don't know".

It turns out that loving someone without knowing why can also be an answer.

Lu Xingze felt that he understood love a little bit, but this little comprehension made him feel panicked, disgusted, and resisted.

What's even more frightening is that when he was with Chen Zhuo, he actually had an illusion, an illusion that he could love someone well and respond to someone's love well.

Moreover, he doesn't like to see Chen Zhuo being very close to others, he no longer wants to leave Chen Zhuo, he is afraid of losing him.

Under fear, nausea and resistance, Lu Xingze pushed Chen Zhuo away, making "losing him" a reality.

He broke up with him, said that he was tired of playing and didn't want to continue, and said all kinds of hurtful things.Anyway, acting is his forte.

But when Chen Zhuo left, he was as painful as Chen Zhuo.

The pain suffered by those who failed before seems to have been retribution at this time.

Soon, he and Chen Zhuo got back together again. Chen Zhuo always felt that it was because of Lu Xingze's terminal illness that caused his mood swings, and said that if Lu Xingze was willing, he would accompany him to the end...

Lu Xingze smiled wryly. He fabricated one lie after another, and he couldn't escape this net for a long time.

He thinks he is the most despicable hypocritical coward in the world, a liar full of lies, but he has received the most sincere, brave, and flawless love in the world, and he doesn't even dare to respond to this person's love with his truest self. like.

The irony is that he is still playing another self, hoping to bring Chen Zhuo back.

Many times, he wondered if he didn't deserve to love or be loved at all, because he broke Chen Zhuo's heart and made the person he loves the most suffer so much for him.

Should he just leave his world and let him go?

However, whenever he saw Chen Zhuo, he couldn't help being moved by it.

He didn't expect that even though he was dead, Chen Zhuo's love for him still remained unchanged.

In his consistent "love view", love is short-lived, false and fickle. Even if there is that kind of unswerving love until death, it can never belong to him.

That's why he dared to change his identity and contact Chen Zhuo again, hoping that after Chen Zhuo let go of Lu Xingze, he could be with Xia Zhifeng and bury that Lu Xingze full of lies in the past...

Xia Zhifeng sat by the bed, looking at Chen Zhuo who was catching up on sleep.

It was the man who made himself feel love for the first time, but who took it away from him with his own hands.

When Xia Zhifeng's thoughts were surging, Chen Zhuo seemed to be having some kind of dream, and murmured nervously: "Xingze..."

Chen Zhuo's beautiful brows were frowned, and his breathing was a little short.

Xia Zhifeng held his hand: "I'm here."

Chen Zhuo woke up suddenly, looking at Xia Zhifeng's direction with distracted eyes.

Only the night light was on in the room, Chen Zhuo was still half asleep, he hugged Xia Zhifeng, and whispered: "Didn't you say you won't leave..."

It was completely speaking to Lu Xingze, the same tone as before.

"Yeah." Xia Zhifeng hugged him tighter: "It won't happen this time."

When the two embraced each other, Chen Zhuo's cheek touched the cold earrings on Xia Zhifeng's earbone, like a cold knife, piercing through his fantasies and dreams.

He was silent.

He slowly let go of Xia Zhifeng and opened a distance.

Xia Zhifeng saw the tenderness in his eyes dissipating and cooling down little by little.

"...Sorry." Chen Zhuo's voice was polite and alienated, "Maybe you mean well, but you don't need to cooperate with me."

The author has something to say:

Sorry for making QAQ every other day~~ I will try to restore the daily update from tomorrow! ! !