straight to heaven

Pei Yanlai's car was parked in front of a deserted bar.

The bar is small in size, the lights are dim, and there is a microphone standing in the corner. I don't know if it's a guest or a resident singer. I'm sitting on a high stool with half my buttocks, humming a folk song.

The voice is low and hoarse, but unfortunately the sound quality is not good and there is a lot of noise, but if you listen carefully, you can hear Allan Taylor singing.

Someone was waving at the round table not far from the bar, and Pei Yanlai sat down opposite, and I realized that he had an appointment tonight.

I was sitting at the bar, Pei Yanlai turned her back to me, her shoulders were straight and beautiful.

I can see the face of his date clearly. He is a foreigner with brown hair and green eyes. He is in his 30s, with freckles on his face.

The two chatted very happily, and I watched her take a piece of coincidence in front of Pei Yanlai, and then Pei Yanlai didn't touch it anymore.

His fussiness now acts as a base to neutralize the acid in my stomach, keeping me from getting nauseated with jealousy.

I raised my hand and called the waiter, "Please serve two more Perfect Chocolates and two sets of tableware for that table, thank you."

It is not uncommon to order across tables in bars, but it is relatively rare for both parties to take into account.The waiter gave me a second look while preparing the meal.

Two perfect coincidences fell on the table, and I saw the woman shrugged in surprise.

Suddenly a boy sits down to my left, dimpled when he smiles, trying not to look too nervous.

"Hey. Are you alone?"

The alcohol content of the fruit wine is very low, and I have no pressure to drink it: "Don't buy national debt."

He froze for a moment, and quickly waved his hands: "No, no, no... I'm a student, a senior in the School of Psychology of N University."

The little boy was honest, and really took out a dark green student ID card from his bag.

I read it all, but I can't remember whether it's Bao or Xun.Whether the student ID card is real or not, I don't care.

Pei Yanlai didn't move even a mouthful of the freshly made art.I was depressed: "Don't talk about coquettishness."

The younger brother's expression froze, and he moved a few centimeters away without a trace: "I'm sorry if I misunderstood you. I am straight and my girlfriend has been dating for two years. I will graduate soon, but I still lack a practical material. I came to the bar to do social research."

His expression did not seem to be fake, I held up the glass and said, I'm sorry.

He kept saying it was okay: "Can you do me a favor? It's easy, just chatting. Although I haven't got the qualification certificate yet, I guarantee with my life and property that I will not disclose the details of the conversation to anyone. You can Believe me."

Oh, that foreigner gave Pei Yanlai a wink.

I drank heavily, and immediately there was a ringing in my ears: "What do you want to ask?"

"Emotional experience?"

I find it funny, and I wonder what exactly is the topic of your research?Is spending money and drinking alcohol considered a sunk cost of unlucky love?

"It's too long, I don't know where to start." I told the truth.

"Then please close your eyes. Then, please don't imagine a white..."

I closed my eyes and opened them again quickly: "White elephant effect? ​​I know this."

Very classic psychological effect.When people give themselves strong hints of forgetting, it is also a process of recognizing and deepening information.So the more you want to forget something, the more you can't forget it.

He smiled awkwardly: "Oh, I mean, can you talk about your most memorable relationship, such as your first love? Of course, you can also talk about other things."

I was a little distracted, tilted my head, and my eyes were glued to Pei Yanlai's back.The back muscles stretched the shirt wide, and he raised his hand or breathed out subtle lines on the flat fabric.

Calmness is his elegant background, and I saw a completely different version of myself under the scattering of the matte glass lamp.

There was a long silence, and the college student fidgeted visibly: "Sorry, am I being too abrupt?"

"...No." Pei Yanlai got up and went to the bathroom, I finally looked away: "I just thought of something."

In my barren emotional life, I can only mention Pei Yanlai.

If unrequited love counts as first love, I thought bitterly, then would the last time I saw Pei Yan come count as a breakup?

After finishing one glass of wine, I ordered another, this time a martini.

"My... first love," I stumbled a bit on this word: "There is a white elephant between my first love and me."

Probably because the alcoholic's thinking is more abstract, the college student raised his eyebrows and didn't understand: "How do you say it?"

I dipped my fingertips in the wine and drew two stick figures on the table, Pei Yanlai on the left and me on the right, with a huge circle in the middle.

"Bai Xiang is the one who needs to be forgotten in the proposition. I never thought of forgetting him, so he is not Bai Xiang. 'Break up' is."

"The more I think about it as if that day never happened, the more I realize it exists. It goes on and on, I can't stop it, I can't control it."

"Lying flat in a whirlpool is itself a kind of masochism, you should know what I mean."

I put a cross on the little guy on the right.

The college student nodded, and quickly said, "It's normal for people to have such a stressful reaction after a breakup. You're not the only one. Don't worry too much. The most intuitive suggestion is to start a new relationship and look forward."

Martini is a neutral wine, but it is considered strong for me. It burns my heart and lungs in one sip, and my eyes are a little sour.

"But I've been standing still for almost ten years, and I don't know where the past is."

"...Ah." He should have never seen such an infatuated kind like me, and he was silent for a few seconds before replying: "So you still want to get back together?"

I am noncommittal.

Cocktail glasses are like funnels.The round surface of the cup opened was very large, I lowered my head, and a familiar face was reflected on the calm liquid surface.

Handsome is the only good thing, it's gloomy, sick and empty.

"Then... since the white elephant is the root of your problem, then we should deconstruct the white elephant. Just like doing a math problem, reverse reasoning breaks down the problem, and the root of the contradiction will naturally appear." He licked his lips, on the circle I drew Also crossed out.

"So what happened to you that day? Why did you break up?"

After he asked the question and the glass of martini was drained, I turned red from the neck down.

"Why?" I asked myself.

The green-eyed woman opened her bag and began to touch up her lipstick. I saw Pei Yanlai get up with her coat in her hand.

At nine twenty, he was leaving.

Now that someone else is present, I am afraid that he will see me.It's too embarrassing and unseemly in comparison, like a roasted whole pig that was stripped of its hair in the center of the tribe.So I covered my face with my hands and pretended to be an ordinary drunk.

...Obviously for Pei Yanlai, nothing happened that night, and I was the only one suffering.

But he dropped me without a word.

Vision darkened, hearing sharpened.The microphone in the corner has changed owners and is singing Mandarin folk songs.

"Goose going south, covered with dusk

it has flown too far"

"When it tires, when it returns home

Nobody came to tell me..."

It turns out that when the door of the bar is opened and closed, it will ring an old copper bell.

With two clangs, Pei Yan came and left.I didn't dare to look back, imagining the hem of his clothes rolled up in the evening wind.

I withdrew my hand and finally saw the sky again.

The wine stains used to draw pictures on the table were completely dried up, and the white elephant disappeared without smearing, as if it had never existed.

"Can't be deconstructed." I said, "Because I want to know the answer too."

"...No one came to tell me."

? Aleph Zero

The lyrics at the end of the chapter are quoted from Chen Hongyu: "This is not an ideal song"