are you a clown

"Yes, I am the one who is particularly tormented. But it is not unusual for you to feel this way. For my parents and my family, my existence itself is the greatest torment for them." Lin Jianwu's pale face was still Calm and serene brilliance, "They feel that I regard them as retarded, and I am regarded by them as retarded. But what about retarded? There are too many scenes where a person is actually retarded or appears to be retarded! It's just that now almost Everyone is afraid of being regarded as mentally handicapped, and they stop moving forward, and they just hurt themselves by suppressing it."

In Lin Jianwu's mind, the face of the psychiatrist flashed for a moment, like a projector: "I went back to my alma mater once two years ago. I mean the elementary school, which is to help pick up the neighbor's children. Because the teacher who taught me in elementary school The teacher is still there. Before waiting for the children to leave school, I went to the teacher to talk about the past. When I passed by the classroom, I happened to see the teacher asking questions. It was surprising that almost no one raised their hands to answer the questions. That question is very important for that age It is a bit difficult for the children in Duan Duan, but it is definitely not that no one can answer. I asked the teacher, and the teacher told me that many children now think that the teacher asked the question that many people do not know. Who really Who raised their hands to answer is trying to show off, attract the teacher's attention, and put on a show. They only speak enthusiastically on some general knowledge that they think will not change the status quo, thinking that it is mature and stable. Affected by this atmosphere Some bright students who know the answer will try their best to ignore the question and not express themselves in order not to be seen as a social outlier."

"I'm wondering, why do children nowadays start to feel this way so early?" Lin Jianwu stared at Lin Chensan, who thought she would give a comforting smile at this time, but she didn't. There was no smile on Jian Wu's face, "Of course there are many ways to express things that don't meet the public's expectations, but only we know it well, whether it's arrogance, inferiority, prejudice, or vanity... ..."

"Three three." Lin Jianwu paused, and then he smiled, but the smile was very shallow, "Said that each of us will have this feeling, we are all the same, but we just don't want to be the same as everyone gone."

"Even if everyone is like this?" Lin Chensan didn't finish speaking, but she had a feeling that Lin Jianwu knew what she was referring to.

"Yes, even if everyone is like this." Lin Jianwu replied in a decisive tone, "Don't be that kind of person just by yourself. Besides, you are different from everyone: aren't you just exposing yourself in front of me now? Do you think? It is not good to be ashamed of a bad character, feel inferior, and jealous. I dare say that if someone asked you those questions again, what was your original thought, and how would you answer it. Now How many people can insist on themselves, dare to analyze themselves, and honestly think that they are wrong? No one. Everyone even thinks that it is unnecessary to reflect on oneself. It is human instinct to shift the blame to others and seek advantages and avoid disadvantages ,Follow the pace of the big team, the law does not blame the public, everyone is used to doing this. Three three. I never think you have any problems, you are just different from others, but you have no problems, you are the same as the outside , you just want to be a person who is different from everyone else. At least, in front of me."

I always feel that Lin Jianwu has not only used this similar template on himself, but Lin Chensan still has to admit that Lin Jianwu is a very comforting person.

"Even if no one wants to hear those words, no one thinks it's useful, it's better not to say it than to say it, and it will cause unnecessary trouble for myself? Even if the above thoughts are all troubles I asked for?"

"Yes, even if you are really told that it is nothing more than that, don't bother. You know what you are talking about and what you are doing. Even if only you can understand yourself in the end, please persevere and don't be fooled by the general trend. Change your mind."

"Is this what you call special? Lin Jianwu. Although you are saying this to me, in my opinion, you are also saying that to yourself. If my guessing caused you bad Impact……"

"Don't worry too much about my thoughts, you can say whatever you think. After all, I'm human too, Sansan. I'll be scared too. In front of you, I'll always feel scared. You're like a mirror, It always reflects the truest me." Lin Jianwu said fear twice, as if he could clear away the hesitation in his heart in a short time, "I'm afraid of not being liked, afraid of not liking enough, afraid of caring too much, I am also afraid that the other party will think that I don’t care enough, that pride will become arrogance, and that humility will become inferiority complex. I am afraid that my true self will be revealed, and I am also afraid that my false self will not be able to attract the attention of the other party. I am afraid of the past, afraid of the present, and also, afraid of the future. The feeling of walking on thin ice, the feeling of being cautious, how to maintain balance to achieve the best? But a bowl of water is always difficult to balance, and gradually I don’t know what to do... People are slowly changing like this Have you become another person that I am not familiar with? You can persevere, for me, it is more of a kind of confidence. I don’t want to live for the sake of living. Similarly, I don’t want to die without knowing myself Why did you die?"

"Thank you." This is the second time Lin Chensan said 'thank you' to Lin Jianwu.Thank you for thinking that it is not my problem that I would have such thoughts.

Lin Jianwu said again: "San San, tell me, what kind of person will I be ten years from now?"

Lin Chensan couldn't answer this question.

"Ten years later, maybe I still like you, maybe I don't like you anymore, and maybe there will be no intersection at all. Such a possibility exists?"

Lin Chensan nodded: "Yes."

"But it's nothing unusual, is it?"

"Ah... um."

"There is something. Ma Tiantian. I went to the park with her to play on the seesaw. She was very happy playing on the seesaw, but what I said made her cry. The fact that she cried was actually my guess, I didn't watch it When I got to her face, I just heard the voice, and I didn’t chase her after she ran away, but she told me not to chase her. I don’t know if it will cause trouble to your work.”

In my memory, it seemed that it was not the first time Ma Tiantian cried, Lin Chensan: "What did you say?"

"She talked to me about things like getting married and buying a house. I asked her whether she thought so herself or because of the eyes of others, and then thought that I would only think like this at the moment, but in ten or twenty years, I must You will regret it, and you will follow the crowd. Because people will change. Yes, she told me that people will change." Lin Jianwu said later, her tone was a little joking, "But at what age did you give up your way of life? What to do after that, in the example she gave me, it seems that if you are in love, you will not break up, if you are married, you will not have the idea of ​​divorce, and people will not change... Sansan, you, the team leader, It's kind of cute to be naive in a way. She actually thinks that love should be like that, and marriage should be like that..."

Lin Chensan probably knew why Ma Tiantian was crying: "You shouldn't break her beautiful illusion about life like that."

From Lin Chensan's personal point of view, Lin Jianwu's views on many things are enough to challenge Ma Tiantian's three views and become spiritual pollution.

"But she called me a scum in front of my face and told you not to like me anymore..." Lin Jianwu showed a rather sly smile.

This is the first time Lin Chensan saw such a smile on Lin Jianwu's face: "Did you hear that?"

"Yeah. I heard it all."

"I didn't expect you to be such a small-minded person."

"Would you hate me for being so small?"

Lin Chensan thought about it seriously: "No. Beautiful illusions always need to be shattered."

"I admit that I was a little angry at the time. But isn't it good for you to indulge me like this?"

"That's okay."

The atmosphere was completely in a normal chat state, but both of them knew that any estrangement just disappeared out of thin air.

Lin Jianwu: "San San, please apologize for me, she probably won't want to see me again, but if she wants, I can also apologize in person. Ma Tiantian is a good person, she is very kind, and she is very considerate of you , maybe due to many general situations, she ignores her own intentions, but it is not a bad thing to have an interpersonal relationship with her. Unlike me, she is a person who is willing to ask others for help, and will reciprocate .”

"Yes. Sister Tiantian easily regards the general situation as a code of conduct." Lin Chensan sighed slightly, "I have already experienced this aspect of her very deeply."

"Is this a complaint to my boss?"

"Well, you saw that too."

"Yes, I saw it. I want to say one thing. She is your boss after all. Sometimes she behaves in consideration of the overall situation and may not consider you, but this cannot be said to be her fault." Lin Jianwu pointed It was because Ma Tiantian didn't stand up for the last time someone picked on Lin Chensan for killing Lin Chensan in a script.

Lin Chensan nodded, because she vented her emotions too intensely just now, her tone was a little soft at this moment: "Got it."

"You know? Sansan, we just talk like this. It's like a couple talking to each other. No, we are. If you want to say that you are mentally retarded, there is nothing more mentally retarded than this, but so what? Okay? That’s how stupid couples should be.” Lin Jianwu was very emotional, “San San, I have to say, you’re embarrassed when you’re with me, I can see it in your eyes.”

"Embarrassed? Why should I be embarrassed?" Lin Chensan was shocked, why didn't she know?

"Then why are you blushing?!"

"Is it you who blushed?"

"Yes, I blushed, but you made me blush." ​​Lin Jianwu bent a little, and let Lin Chensan's hand touch her face a little, feeling the temperature of that skin, she was not shy at all, " You're embarrassing me..."