Love you as life

I came home one evening, and my parents knew when I would go home, and made a big dinner waiting for me.Although I was a little tired, my mental state was much better than when I went out. My parents noticed it immediately and even praised my sister-in-law for being wise.My sister-in-law did not tell them about An'an as I said, but said that she met a college classmate of mine and she invited me to play for a few days.My parents were naturally happy. After returning to my hometown, I only kept in touch with my old classmates and old friends in middle school. Now my circle of contacts has expanded again.When I was studying, several college classmates in the same dormitory came to our house. My parents often mentioned it and asked me to contact them, but I would rather stay in this small nest "safe, indifferent, and isolated from the world".

When I got home, I felt changed again, and the positivity and confidence that had been mobilized in the past few days were quickly fading away.

My hometown has nothing to do with An'an. When I return home, I feel farther and farther away from An'an.Leaving the island, leaving Jiangnan, leaving Su Weiying, leaving the university, and leaving the people and things related to An An, retreating to a remote corner, and then there is a strong sense of nothingness, like the period from going out to coming back. Time, everything is a dream.

In order to cheer myself up, I decided to go to the Federation of Literary and Art Circles the next day and post my profile, address, and phone number on the Internet.Waiting, waiting, waiting, I can't just wait like this, waiting for a long time, I'm already impatient to the point of impatience.

The next morning I returned to the Federation of Literature and Art.It was too early, only He Yuewen was there.

It hasn't been long since I left, but it feels like it's very different.In He Yuewen's words, "it's so hot, it seems like I'm going to do something big."

"I just want to do big things. I plan to use myself to sell advertisements." I said with a smile.

"Oh? Selling advertisements? What's going on?" He was very interested.

"I'm going to write a profile and put it on the Internet so that people all over the world can see it." I started typing.

"Wow, have you changed your gender? It's really different!"

"Let's go to hell," I said as I typed.

"Is this what you Wenqing said? Where did you learn it in just a few days?" My image surprised him.

"That's the way it is, it's just hypocrisy all the time."

"I always thought you were a strange woman, and now you are even more so!"

"It's not only strange, but also very strange." I think he talks a lot of nonsense today.

"There is a problem! You don't look like a woman today! Your elegance is seriously lost!"

"Stop rambling, okay, let's do serious business. I'll talk to you later." I was a little impatient.When only my typing sound was left, I realized that I had gone too far. Today I really seem to have eaten gunpowder.He Yuewen is a gentle and good senior brother!

"He Yuewen, I'm sorry, I was too impulsive, because I was impatient, I will tell you later." I turned my head and smiled apologetically at him.

"Well, I must say it." He nodded while smiling "deeply".

Finally, I finished my "introduction" clearly.

"Do you really want to hang it up?" Seeing that I stopped, He Yuewen asked.

"real."

"Not on impulse?"

"No."

"Promise you won't regret it?"

"Never." Before I finished speaking, I posted it on all the websites that had my articles.

"It's really you! Good job! Straightforward, good style! It makes me feel... Hahaha, I have a good brother!" He Yuewen laughed loudly, "Explain it!"

"I want someone to find me." I said bluntly.

"Wow, who is it? The person you like?" His eyes widened.

"Yes!" Because I finally completed a "big event", I felt very relaxed, and I couldn't help laughing, and I also had an urge to announce my happiness to the world.

"Sister Wen! Are you back?" Little Xingxing stepped into the door, "It's so early! I heard you went on a trip, do you have a letter?" She smiled mischievously and leaned against my table.

"Of course there are. There are so many children in this office. If you don't have a letter, you will be flattened." I went to pick out the delicious and beautiful ones I brought back from Jiangnan.

"Sister Wen." Little Xingxing hesitated to speak.

"Huh?" I looked at her curious face.

"It feels like you are different from before." She was a little embarrassed, "Hmm...hehe, you are really bold and generous!" After speaking, she laughed.

"Really?" Am I really different?I looked at He Yuewen and then at Little Xingxing.

"Well, of course it's different, your sister Wen is going to find you a brother-in-law!" said the bastard He Yuewen.

"Really?" Little Xingxing stared wide and round.

"Student President! If you talk nonsense about the first letter, you will lose your share!" I glared at He Yuewen.

"Hehehe, I'm talking nonsense, I'm talking nonsense! Damn it! You should be punished! You should be punished! You should be punished! Damn it!" He Yuewen felt that he had slipped his tongue and didn't know what to do.

Colleagues from the Federation of Literary and Art Circles came back one after another, and everyone gathered together to fight and eat, and asked me to tell interesting travel stories.fun?I smiled wryly in my heart.Then he made up stories for them, which made them envious and fascinated.It is indeed hypocrisy, I have been hypocrisy all my life, I made fun of myself in my heart, and had to accept this word that I have always hated.

"Oh, I almost forgot about the important event!" Little Xingxing suddenly yelled.

All eyes looked at her in unison.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's my business, oh no, it's Wen Qing's business." She made a grimace, and quickly argued.Turned around and went to her desk.

"Wow! So many letters!"

"There are still people writing and sending letters!"

"Little Xingxing, why did you hide the letter privately?"

"What mysterious person?"

"Wen Qing's admirer?"

"A second Egwene?"

……

They were as lively as a pot.

"Maybe it's a debt collector?" I joked, curious and puzzled.

"That's how it is. First of all, I don't keep any letters privately. I'm obedient and hardworking. I'm the first one to come every morning. When I see Sister Wen's personal letters, I put them away for her. Who knows that I have them every day. I'm afraid of you guys. Doubt and worry, just let it go." After speaking, he opened his eyes wide and slid across each face, "I did something wrong, didn't I?" He looked like a little student who was afraid.

"That's right, it's remarkable to be willing to be a secretary and a ladder for others." President He Yuewen "praise" as an "elder".

"Thank you, little star." I said.I recognized Xiaoling's handwriting at a glance.

Those so-called turmoil and arrogance disappeared in an instant.It's not right for me to open the letter in front of everyone, and it's not right if I don't open it.

"Hey, have you selected the manuscript for the next issue? Well, Xiao Feng, how about we exchange the interview manuscripts from two days ago?" Qiuping said.This woman is really understanding.Hearing what she said, everyone turned around and returned to their seats understandingly.

"Sister Wen, let me clear the table." Little Xingxing said.

"I'm coming, you go." I smiled at her.He stood up and picked up the messy fruit peels, sugar wrappers, bean shells, and cake crumbs on the table, cleaned them up, and left with the letters in the silence.

Wen Qing, I miss you, I have missed you for 18 years.In these 18 years, I have been tortured every day, thinking of the little things we have known each other for ten years, the words we have said, the things we have done, the songs we have sung, you are the most beautiful dream of my youth .Every time I dream back, I want to find you by my side, your breath, your hug, your kiss.I miss your tender caress, your obsessive eyes.How I want to go back to the past, those beautiful minutes and seconds.

……

It doesn't matter if you don't reply, just let me tell you this, and live in the past world like this foolishly.You think I betrayed you, but my heart has never left you, you are always in my heart, I hold her in my heart every day, which makes me feel very warm.

……

I know that my life is not long, I can't live long, so you can punish me like this, I am willing to be punished like this, I will hold the countless gifts you gave me and miss you every day, until I die.

Don't reply, don't talk, I don't want to see your indifferent face again, I can't stand your strange eyes.I don't want it at all, I don't want it at all, I just want to say, just let me say it...

……

None of these letters were signed, only the date and time, and each letter was signed almost at midnight.Those words have long hands and feet, which brought me back to my youth, and the scenes were still so clear and vivid.Time passes, am I still there?I am there, I will always be there, and no one can erase the past of life.It's just that that "I" was the same "I" I was 18 years ago, and I am no longer that "I". No one can stay at a certain stage and never grow up.

What else can I do today?what should I do?What about Xiaoling?

In the afternoon, my sister-in-law came over, and after we chatted about An An, I talked to her about Xiaoling's letters.

"You said, what should I do?" I asked.

"Oh, another tragedy." The sister-in-law replied irrelevantly, "Why did I know today? But how many people have such courage? They chose heterosexual marriage, but they can't let go of homosexuals. You are very tired." There are so many "contradictory emotions", because I have been with me too much recently, and I have been affected.

"Stop sighing, tell me what I should do." I said bluntly.

"This matter must be faced, you go and see her." Sister-in-law replied her capable.

"So what? I made it very clear last time."

"Could she be lying? To win your sympathy?"

"No, her condition is very bad, I think it's still very serious."

"Ok?"

"Yeah, I'm worried about her mental state."

"Suggest she see a doctor."

"I said, she doesn't want to, she can't accept that she has mental obstacles."

"Does she know you've had depression?"

"do not know."

"Or do you show yourself and give her confidence?"

"I guess she won't accept it either, she's too good and strong."

"As for being so strong that he hides his disease and avoids medical treatment?"

"I know her well."

"Hey, I'm already a university professor, why is my concept so backward?"

"It's not a matter of outdated ideas, it's a mentality of never admitting defeat. She feels that seeing a psychiatrist is cowardly and insane, and she can't accept such a self."

"Or would you like to see her husband?"

"I think so too, but I'm worried that Xiao Ling will be more irritated if she finds out."

"Her husband doesn't know about her situation?" The sister-in-law was very surprised.

"I don't know. Probably not."

"This man is really..." The sister-in-law was at a loss for words.

"I'd better go see her once, and I'll think about how to deal with it." I need to organize my thoughts, Xiaoling is so sensitive and smart, if she is not careful, she will be self-defeating.

"Wen Qing," the sister-in-law was a little worried, "Remember, you must take care of yourself and don't let yourself get hurt."

"I know, don't worry. An'an is looking for me, and I'm waiting for her. I will firmly remember where my happiness is." I smiled.

In the evening, I called Xiaoling.

"Is there anything you can do for me?" A very cold voice said.

"I want to see you."

"Hahahaha, how dare I bother you!"

"I was away for a few days, and I just saw your letter today."

"I didn't write to you."

"I want to see you."

"But I don't want to see you, and I don't want to hear your voice." She replied coldly.

"I want to see you!"

"You miss me, don't you? You miss me, don't you?" she cried.

"Xiaoling, I miss you."

"Whether I'm good or not is none of your business! Do you still care about me!" she cried, her voice was rough.

"I will always care about you, you were once my closest person."

"Once, ever, ever! Just once! You're going to give away your great love now, aren't you?" She immediately cooled down again.

"Xiao Ling, we all have to live a good life and live a happy life. Let me see you, please?"

There was no answer on the other end of the phone, she whimpered, and I could imagine her face full of tears. I used to hold her in my arms and let her tears wet my clothes.

"Don't cry, have a good rest. I will go out tomorrow and come to your place the day after tomorrow." I hung up the phone.

I understand that Xiaoling has been living in the past, living in our girlhood.Her letter is not written to me now, but to Wen Qing when she was young. It is not me that she misses, but her young and tender lover in her girlhood.She wants to hear "her" voice, see "her" face, and be cared by "her".She couldn't find "her", and I was a woman who looked like "her", so she found me.When I really appeared in front of her, she felt strongly that I was not "her"... Her spiritual life has been in the past, and she has not grown up yet.

I'm going to let her out, bring her back to reality.

[-]. Hell in Heaven

Xiao Ling lived in a big city B far away, and was transferred from a bus to a plane. It was already midnight when I arrived, and I stayed in a hotel not far from her home.

When I showed up at the door of Xiaoling's house the next morning, she was sending her daughter and mother-in-law out, and they invited another pair of mother-in-law and grandson to play in a nearby park.Her mother-in-law looks very young, and she is a very tough old man.The little girl is very cute, just like Xiaoling. From her independent and mature face, you can see Xiaoling's shadow - she will definitely be a capable and strong child in the future.

Xiaoling's home is in a luxury urban residential area. They bought a bungalow with a garden on the first floor. After entering, they found out that they bought two suites on the upper and lower floors. After they were connected, they turned into a small villa with two floors. .Westernized decoration, Chinese cultural atmosphere, two completely different cultures and aesthetics put together without feeling weird, and harmonious.

"Your home is beautiful, the most beautiful home I have ever seen, like a paradise." I looked at Xiaoling and smiled.

"Thank you, it's a great honor to be appreciated by someone with an aesthetic vision like you." Xiaoling smiled with a hint of sarcasm, "Do you want me to show you around?"

"Okay." Her home was indeed beautiful, pleasant and yearning.

We walked through the garden, admired the flowers and trees, and watched the fish.Living room, kitchen, bedroom, study room, children's suite... We go up and down the elegant wooden stairs.

"How is it? Do you have any good ideas?" Xiao Ling asked, and we stopped in her study.

"It's beautiful, elegant, foreign and elegant. I like your study room the most. It's full of book fragrance." I inhaled deeply the woody and paper fragrance from the bookshelves in the room.She and her husband each have a study, her husband's should be said to be an office, and hers is the real study.The study room is very large, with two huge bookshelves, on which there are books, handicrafts, and vines.Most of the dense books are her foreign language professional books, and there are many literary works, which are basically Chinese works, mainly classical literature.The professor of the foreign language department is still interested in Chinese culture.There is a desktop computer on the desk, and a laptop next to it.On the other side opposite the desk is a Guzheng.

"Have you learned Guzheng?" I was very curious, Xiao Ling always thought that she was a tone-deficient person.

"You think I'm here as a front, don't you?"

"Of course not, I'm just curious... I like Guzheng very much."

"It's curious that a tone-deaf person can learn Guzheng, isn't it?"

"Xiao Ling, don't always distort my meaning, you know me very well."

"Thanks to you, I can't talk about understanding in front of great writers."

"Xiaoling, your home is beautiful, your daughter is very cute, your husband is handsome and tall, and you both have successful careers. Such a family is so enviable!" I looked at her well-maintained face.

"Envy? That's right, if you're envious, you can also find a man to marry. With your conditions, you can definitely find a man who is ten thousand times better!"

"Xiaoling, let's not have any more grudges, shall we?"

"It's you who resent me, you're the one who cares about my 'betrayal'!" Xiaoling was excited.

"I admit that I resented you, and I have resented you for 18 years. I was too indifferent when you went back some time ago, I'm sorry."

"What do you mean? Are you here to show your 'enthusiasm'?" Xiaoling said with anticipation and sarcasm.

"I don't want us to live in resentment, I want us both to be happy in our respective lives."

"In your own life! You're especially happy in your 'inside' life, aren't you?"

"Don't we all have our own lives?"

"But I'm not happy, I'm not happy at all." Xiaoling's eyes quickly filled with tears.

"He and marriage are both your choice."

"It was my choice, the choice I had no other choice." Xiaoling's tears rolled down her cheeks.

"No choice?"

"He loves me. He has chased me for four years. He can give me warmth and a home. I want a warm home, you know?"

"Aren't you warm with me? Can't we have a home?"

"Wen Qing, you are different from me, you are too simple. Your father is the leader, your family environment is good, you have many brothers and sisters, and they all have good relationships. You can't understand my feelings. You know, we The family background is not good. My father has been in Xinjiang for more than [-] years. He has not gained any benefits and has broken his body. My mother is an ordinary Xinjiang rural woman who can’t understand a few words. My brother is eight years older than me. He was silent and machismo, we had no common language. My dad passed away in my sophomore year, and my mom became a helpless woman with my brother's bad temper. I can't make my mom sad anymore Ah!" Xiaoling cried very sadly.

"You always blame me for being hot and cold, because I love you and can't love you, do you know? You always say why I like to sulk, why I don't confess, why I always make you sad, because you are not like me Situation, you don’t understand, you only know love, you don’t know anything, because you have the condition to not know, I don’t... You always say I’m proud, but in fact I’m inferior, I can’t compare to you in anything except academic performance , not as tall as you, not as beautiful as you, without your temperament, without your generosity, without your financial conditions... I have nothing... I am very happy, I have your love, but I am not worthy of your love, it So pure and sincere, but I am full of contradictions and all kinds of desires. I can't let you go, you are my only spiritual relative, and I have to let you go. Do you know how hard it is for me! Do you know that with you How hard it is for me every day when we are together! I am happy and painful, and I am greedy and have to let go... At that time, I often suffered from insomnia and had many physical problems. In fact, I already had depression at that time. I love you so much that I am sick It's..."

"Xiaoling..." I hugged her who was shaking from crying, "I understand everything, I know everything, I know everything! It's just that I can't let you go. At that time, you were my life." Without you There is no life, that's all I think about, all I know is that I want your life.

"I thought that if I had a family and a husband, I would forget a lot of things and live a peaceful life, but I can't forget you...why can't I forget you!" She hugged my hands and kept beating Looking at my back, weeping uncontrollably.

I didn't speak anymore, I didn't know what to say.

"Xiaoling, your choice is right. I can't give you what he can give you. You have a lot now, can you come out from the past?" I said when she calmed down.

"Is that what you came here to tell me?" Her voice trembled.

"I want you to let go of the past and embrace your life now."

She didn't speak, she hugged me tightly and trembled.

"We are no longer children, we are no longer the girl we were back then, we have grown up and matured, and we have a new world..."

"I don't want to grow up, I don't want to grow up, I don't want to..." Xiaoling said like a child dreaming, her voice gradually became weaker.I was startled, and quickly hugged her trembling and weak body and leaned against the sofa. I pinched her buttocks and slapped her face. Her teeth were chattering, and her lips were pale.As soon as I picked her up hard, I ran into her bedroom, put her on the bed, and hurried to the closet to find a quilt, a thick quilt, covered one bed and another, then got into the bed, and hugged her tightly. arms.She was still trembling and her teeth were still chattering. I kept rubbing her body and calling her name.I don't know how long it took, but she finally stopped trembling and finally warmed up.This time it was my turn to tremble and chill. I was frightened into a cold sweat, and my heart, which had almost stopped beating just now, was beating violently.

I didn't dare to speak anymore, so I hugged her quietly, and Xiao Ling didn't speak anymore, just nestled in my arms, like some warm mornings in the past, those days when we were lazy in bed.I was thinking about some familiar fragments in a daze, and sniffing some familiar breaths in a trance.A soft arm wrapped around my neck, a warm air rushed to my face, Xiaoling's eyes stared at me, melancholy, affectionate, longing, her plump and soft breasts pressed against me... I I took her hand, gently pulled it off my neck, and gently pressed her head under my jaw: "Take a good rest..."

That morning, the sun was very bright and we were very cold. We hugged each other for a long time and rested for a long time.It is a real rest, without thoughts, without the past and without the present, it is the emptiness and nothingness after extreme psychological fatigue, it is the lightness of life that does not need to be endured.If the whole life is so light, there will be no worries in life.What brought me back to reality soberly from that emptiness was the profuse sweating and the two quilts on a July day.

Xiaoling was also sweating profusely, and her complexion recovered better than mine.I let her go and got off the bed, and started to arrange the two big quilts.Xiaoling also jumped out of bed to tidy up with me.The excitement and hug just now made me very embarrassed, and I couldn't help keeping a physical distance from her very deliberately.After finishing the quilt, we went to the living room together, and I bypassed her and sat on the other side of the coffee table.

"I'm sorry, I lost my composure just now." Xiaoling's eyes flickered between the teapot and teacup, and the sullen anger of hurt self-esteem could not be concealed on her face.

I was speechless for a moment, just staring at the steaming fragrant tea in my hand.

"What I just said was just impulsive, I'm a very realistic person, you said that." She still didn't look at me, she didn't look anywhere.

"Hmm. It's okay." I sipped the fragrant tea in my hand, thinking about how to speak.

Seeing her ever-changing expression and eyes, I was silent for a moment and said, "Xiao Ling, let's go see a doctor."

"What doctor are you seeing?" Her expression changed.

"Six years ago, my depression broke out. It was very serious. I didn't sleep for six days. At that time, I thought I was going to die, and then I wanted to commit suicide every day. I was recommended to see a doctor. I doubted it. Maybe it’s good for my heart disease? I didn’t expect it to be good, and I stopped taking the medicine completely a year ago.”

"You have depression? Have you been taking medicine for five years? Hahaha. Writers, don't make up stories. Hahaha." Xiaoling laughed loudly.

"Depression can be cured. If you want, I can accompany you."

"I don't need those drugs. I look down on those who rely on drugs to survive. They don't even have the will to overcome psychological pressure. What qualifications does she have to live!"

"It is of course best to have a strong will, but when necessary, we can't reject drugs."

"So, you think I 'must'? I'm going to go crazy if I don't eat? Hahaha, you think I'm dying? Hahaha."

"Xiao Ling, do you admit that you live a very hard life? You often suffer from insomnia, headaches, tears, and exhaustion, right?"

"Yes! I live a very hard life! I cry every day, and I often can't sleep in the middle of the night. I have a splitting headache. I have written several suicide notes and dozens of suicide letters. To pass the long night, I have opened several blogs, desperately writing papers, academic reports, teaching materials, essays, poems and diaries. My blogs are always full of friends. I am an aggressive and advanced person in the eyes of leaders and energetic in the eyes of colleagues An unattainable competitor is a radiant and charming mentor in the eyes of students, an outstanding member in the eyes of old classmates and old friends, and their pride and pride! No one knows how hard I am, no one knows how hard I am. How painful. You have always hated hypocrisy the most, and I am so hypocritical! Never bow your head, this is the purpose of my life! I went to the doctor, and the doctor prescribed medicine for me, but as soon as I got out of the hospital, I took those medicines. The medicine was thrown into the trash can. I don’t need them, let alone allow them to damage my brain. Even if I die, I won’t rely on them!” Xiao Ling said a long paragraph in one breath, and said it very excitedly and sharply.

"Xiao Ling, people can't live in such pain. Those medicines must have side effects, but a relaxed and happy mood is more important. It doesn't matter what others think, you have to live happily!"

"Thank you for your concern! I don't need it, I never need it!" Her fierceness was like that of Liu Hulan who faced the guillotine back then, "Did you come here just to persuade me?" Her eyes were icy cold.

"I want you to be relaxed and happy. Relaxed and happy above all else, this is my purpose in life."

"I'm afraid your wish will come to nothing." She looked at me mockingly.

"Does your husband know about your situation?"

"You don't want to inform me, do you?" She gave me a sharp look. "He doesn't know, and no one knows except you, Wenqing. I remind you not to tell anyone."

"Xiao Ling..."

"Stop talking." She interrupted me, "I am suffering in the [-]th hell, but in the eyes of others, I live in heaven, that's enough. I bear all the pain alone, My husband, children, and relatives and friends will not be affected." Her eyes stayed on the grass and trees in the garden outside the door.

She said it was great, but I questioned the "greatness".But nothing to say.

"When are you leaving?" She suddenly gave me a quick look.

"Not yet." In fact, my heart is already in a mess, and this problem is more difficult to solve than I imagined.Every minute I spent with Xiaoling was depressing. I had no confidence in my ability to help her, but I couldn't let go completely. "She's sick, and very sick!" I can only keep calm and peaceful if I keep reminding myself like this.

"Where do you live? Do you want me to show you around the city tomorrow?" She suddenly became a hospitable host again.

"Um, okay. I want to go back to the hotel and rest, see you tomorrow?" I need some fresh air.

"Okay, I still have a lot of things to do, and I don't have that much time to spend with you." Her enthusiasm turned hard and cold again, with irritation in her tone.

Xiaoling's home is behind me, getting farther and farther away, but her garden and the hostess in the garden are always standing in front of me.That is heaven outside hell, hell within heaven, and heaven and hell can live in harmony like this, I feel colder than ever before.

[-]. The God of Unable to Keep Home

"Wenqing, I miss you." Xiaoling's call at midnight woke me up.

"Xiao Ling, sleep well, huh? Be good, you will show me around tomorrow." I really want to treat her like a patient.

"I can't sleep, I think you can't sleep." A girl's voice.

"Are... are all your family members here?" What I want to ask is: Is your husband not here?

"Can you open the door for me? I'm outside your door."

I was so terrified that I almost dropped the phone in my hand.Does she talk in her sleep?

"Wen Qing, can you open the door?" A sobbing voice came.

I turned on all the lights in the room and went to open the door.

Xiao Ling stood outside the door.A pink dress, neatly combed black hair draped over her shoulders, and bright eyes.A beautiful romantic sleepwalker.The sleepwalker smiled sweetly when she saw me, forgetting that there were still tears streaming down her face.

I brought her in.As soon as the door was closed, she leaned against my arms, like a docile child.

"Xiao Ling, is everyone in the family asleep?" I put my arms around her.

"Well, they're all asleep."

"Do they... know you're going out?"

"Yes, I told him that I dated a friend, and I dated a friend Wen Qing." She murmured.

"Well, well, it's late, shall we go to rest?"

"Okay, I want to sleep with you." She gently hugged my waist, and she saw that there were two beds in my room.

"Well, we sleep together." I found that my hands were cold, and it was my tears.I quickly wiped it off, took a deep breath, and led her to the bed: "Come on, lie down and sleep, huh?"

"I haven't changed my pajamas yet, how can I sleep?" She looked at me with big bright eyes.

"Okay, I'll get you pajamas." I immediately went to find one of my T-shirts, "Come on, put it on." I put the pajamas on her hands.

"I want you to help me change, you help me undress, it's always like this." She smiled shyly.

I gently changed her clothes, but tears fell drop by drop.

"Well, it's very beautiful. Well, come to sleep." I bent down and secretly wiped away my tears, and helped her to lie down on the bed.She suddenly pulled me down on her body, hugged my head hard, and burst into tears: "Why did you come here? Why did you let me see you again? Why did you make me suffer so much? Why did you let me suffer so much!" Before I could react, she hugged me tightly and kissed desperately, saying, "I miss you, Wen Qing, I miss you! Wen Qing, I love you, I love you..."

I was completely in a coma, and I woke up when her cold hands reached out to my chest. I tried hard to push her away, but she hugged her so tightly that I couldn't break free.She kissed me frantically, oppressed me, and quickly pulled off my blouse. Her actions were almost brutal and cruel, as if she wanted to vent all the depression, pain and grievances of more than ten years on me.And her "aggression" actually made me have a strong impulse. I was ashamed of my impulse, but I couldn't get away, and I couldn't feel it.She was tightly wrapped around my body, her legs tightly clamped my thighs, and the whole body convulsed and released continuously. I couldn't help but tremble with her fluctuations, trembling constantly... When she finished venting crazily, I was about to collapse, as if dismembered.

"Wenqing, I love you, I am very happy, I love you, Wenqing, I love you..." Xiaoling panted wearily, her soft whispers combined with kisses and tears falling on my lips and face, neck, while our naked bodies are still glued together.

As our shortness of breath subsided gradually, my mind was completely empty, and tears poured down my face in an instant.An'an, An'an, I'm yours, I only want yours, An'an, I'm sorry, An'an...

The even and quiet snoring sounded softly around me, and I became conscious.Looking back at the sleeping woman with a smile on the corner of her mouth, my first love **, I was full of resentment towards myself, and the strong sense of uncleanness made me quickly get up and rush into the bathroom.I turned on the shower head, and from head to toe, I washed desperately, vigorously, scrubbing my body as hard as washing away shame.Tears mixed with the warm water from the nozzle, no matter how much they flowed, they couldn't finish.An'an, where are you, why haven't I waited for you, why am I so shameless, why do I have feelings for another woman, I really want to hold you, bury my head in your young breasts, and cry loudly.

Coming out of the bathroom, I climbed into another bed.The day was so exciting and exhausting that I fell asleep with wet hair.

Woke up very late the next day, and as soon as I woke up I was jumping up and I was getting a little jumpy.

Xiaoling sat by the window with her back to me and looked out, wearing that warm pink dress.She turned around immediately when she heard movement.

"Why am I here?" She looked at me suspiciously and warily.

"You came to see me last night." I told her clearly