winter suicide plan

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I struggled to get off the hospital bed by myself, sat in the wheelchair, basked in the sun by the window, and looked out the window downstairs.The uncle next door accidentally fell because he was making a stove at home.I just came here early in the morning. When I came in, I still complained of pain. My son went to buy lunch and left, and he started to feel energetic. He lay on the bed and started to vibrate, and the sound was extremely loud.I don't care about it with the old man, after all, I am getting old, and my hearing is really not as good as that of young people.But the voice in the vibrato is really noisy.I turned the wheelchair with one hand, but I couldn't move it, and my hand slipped.I looked at my hands, shaking, and sighed.

The sun scorched my eyes, but I was a little reluctant to leave from the window. I looked downstairs and remembered that last night because of poor ventilation in the bathroom, I was a little dizzy from lack of oxygen after taking the medicine.After Tang Fengxing helped me put on my clothes, he put medicine and hot water on me if he didn't agree with me, fed me and left.

The leaves didn't show signs of swaying, and my head was a little dizzy from the sun, and my hands hurt when I turned the wheelchair.Simply close your eyes and bask in the sun.

The sun was shining in front of my eyes, and my closed eyes were blood red, dizzy but warm.After a while, my eyes were covered with warm hands, and the fresh orange smell came into my nose. The sugar orange in winter is really sweet.

Tang Fengxing turned around my wheelchair and said, "It's not good for the eyes to be exposed to such strong light. I'm nearsighted."

"But it's warm here. I want to eat Tangerine." I pulled his hand from mine.

He dug out his pocket, took out a small orange-yellow tangerine, quickly peeled it off, stuffed it into my mouth and said, "Dog nose."

I looked up at him: "Have you brought it?"

He felt embarrassed now, turned his head and said, "Did you read it?"

"Didn't you watch it too?"

"I was the one who asked first."

"I saw it, how about you?"

"I... I read it too."

"We're pretty much the same."

I looked up a little tired: "Have you thought about it?"

Tang Fengxing grabbed my wheelchair and asked me back: "How do you think it over? Give me a definition. I didn't fall asleep last night. I thought about it for a long time. Otherwise, I think... the way I feel now is fake to me. I do not know what to do."

I smiled, turned expressionless, looked at my trembling hands and said, "I didn't ask you to change your relationship with me right now, or ask you to do something, just do as usual. I just ask you I don’t want to accompany me to the hospital, I usually go alone, and I’m scared later, so I dare not go.”

It's the first time to confess my emotions to a person, and I'm a little bit weak. Although I don't like the behavior, but I make an exception, so what can I do.

Anyway, he has seen my plan, after all, I am broken.

Tang Fengxing was obviously more restrained, he scratched his head embarrassingly: "I think too far, sorry."

"Let's go."

He pushed me, took my bag and carried it on his shoulder, held the flower pot in one hand, covered me with a quilt on his knees, and stuffed me with a hot water bottle in his arms. After putting it in, I put on my coat and hat and said, "It's cold outside, do this first, let's take a taxi." It seems that I am prematurely aging, but I am sure that I feel comfortable and safe in my heart.But anyway, people care about it, so they can't be so shameless.After taking the medicine, I feel calm.It's not right to be depressed, nor is it right to be excited, only calm as water is the goal.

Neither of us mentioned what we did in the toilet last night. We always tacitly avoided all topics that would be embarrassing or unsolvable, so I didn't bother to explain anything.

He carried me into the taxi, folded the wheelchair and stuffed it in the trunk, and I reported the name of the hospital.The driver turned the steering wheel and started heading to his destination.The sun was scorching hot at noon, but the air was dry and dull, mixed with some dust, my face was a little cracked from the cold, and the dead skin on my lips was dry and cracked. I licked my lips and looked out the window aimlessly.

Why is winter always so hard.

I stretched out my hand, crossed the chamomile flowerpot between us, and touched Tang Fengxing's hand—it was icy cold.At the moment of touch, he visibly froze, and I took his hand under my blanket and put him on the warm water bottle.

He stiffened for a while, then relaxed, letting me grab it, he adjusted his hand posture, squeezed his fingers into the gap between my fingers, and buckled them together strangely.

He put chamomile at his feet, and the faintly sweet smell of green apple was brought out, with a bit of chill.He quietly and very cautiously approached me. I turned my head and looked out the window. He leaned his head on my shoulder and said, "Last night I memorized the criminal law all night and I didn't sleep all night. Let me lean on for a while. Call me when you arrive."

I didn't expose him, probably because something of unknown meaning bothered him last night, I let out a soft "hmm", broke away from his hand, reached out and stroked his hair and said, "It's been hard these days, sleep Bar."

He moved his head, found the most comfortable position, and fell asleep in the taxi.I waited for about ten minutes, thinking he was asleep, and turned to look at him.My ears are a little red, and my eyes are blue. I probably haven’t slept well these days because I’ve been tossing around, and I’m always worried about whether I’ll do something extreme.

Treating me is really hundreds of times more tiring than ordinary people.

I sighed, and gently touched the tips of his ears with my fingers. His head moved, but he didn't wake up.I turned to touch his earlobe. I liked the hot and sensual feeling, so I rubbed it gently.When I was young, I had no sense of security, anxiety, and bad habits developed when I was nervous. I always wanted to touch my earlobe, rub my own, or someone else's, like some good medicine could iron out my bad emotions.

The hospital I visited before is getting closer and closer.

There was the sound of heating and exhaust in the car, and the sound of wind leaked in through the window, but the temperature inside the car seemed to be getting higher and higher, and my forehead was covered with fine sweat.All of a sudden, all the evildoers were caught, and I met Tang Fengxing's eyes. His eyes were heavy, sleepy, but a little complaining and wronged.

"Sorry, I woke you up." I didn't panic at all when I found out this little move.

Tang Fengxing let out a sigh of relief and said, "I fell asleep for a few minutes."

I said, "Sorry."

Tang Fengxing: "Compensate me for my sleep time."

I asked suspiciously: "How to pay?"

Tang Fengxing didn't expect me to say so simply, leaning on my shoulder, whispered to my ear and said, "Hands are still a little cold, can you hold them for a while, okay?"

He really made me feel that his innocence was incredible, which made me a little embarrassed. I clasped his hand and said, "Okay, you can hold it for as long as you want, get out of the car and let go."

After a while, Tang Fengxing leaned on my shoulder and said secretly again: "Chen Shuning, you're disturbing my ears."

"what?"

"The heartbeat is too loud, too fast."

"It's caused by mania, it's none of my business." My palms were slightly sweaty, and his hands were tightly pressed against me, under this blinding blanket.

This car is too hot, like a steam oven.

I was irritated and wanted to open half of the window to let in the stuffy air inside.But one hand was useless, and the other was held by Tang Fengxing, so he was really unable to open the window.

"So Boring."

Tang Fengxing raised his head, opened the car window with his left hand for nearly ten seconds, expelled the turbid carbon dioxide inside and exchanged it for cold fresh air, then closed it and said, "Just blow it for a while."

The hospital is here.I checked this hospital for a long time, and said that the treatment effect was good before I came, but I stopped the medicine without authorization, which brought me serious consequences.I was hallucinating and had a lot of self-confidence and some extreme impulsiveness.

This fall into the river was not in the plan, it was a temporary idea, but when I was drunk, my brain was out of control, and I didn't expect to strictly follow the plan.Tang Fengxing hasn't returned my planning manual, so I asked him, "Where's my manual?"

Tang Fengxing reluctantly shook his schoolbag and said, "It's in the bag."

"When the doctor asks you something later, don't even say that I have this plan manual." I looked at the familiar white tile road, and every time I pressed the tiles, the depression gradually accumulated, and my fear increased. .

"It depends." Tang Fengxing vaguely avoided my topic.

I said, "If you don't agree, get out now."

"Take advantage of me and let me go, it's unreasonable, you."

Tang Fengxing ignored me from behind, and pushed me who was still threatening him and yelling loudly, towards the department I made an appointment with last night.

Why did I make an appointment last night? Is it [-]% sure that Tang Fengxing will definitely come with a notebook?I can only say that I don't know, I don't know if it's true... the idea of ​​living exists.

If Tang Fengxing hadn't come, I would probably end up in the hospital.After all, committing suicide on the 29th was a plan I had planned, so it doesn't matter if I postpone it by a day, but the location has changed.

I re-do a bunch of checks, ask a lot of daily questions, similar to chatting, but as before, I silently resist this behavior by being silent.The doctor sighed and turned to Tang Fengxing, showing a professional and kind smile and said: "It's the first time I saw Chen Shuning bring friends to accompany me, it seems that you are very important. Shuning, why don't you go out first, and I'll chat with your friends, is that okay?" ?”

I nodded, some words I will never be able to say.It might be better for someone else to say it.

I was pushed outside by the nurse. She wanted to talk to me, but I didn't open my mouth and ignored this person. I had no desire to communicate, and I was exhausted from depression.I stared at the potted chamomile plant on the hallway chair and asked the nurse to hold it for me.The bottom of the plate is full of dirt, and I don't care if it rubs against the blanket.I hugged it tightly to myself, and the light green apple smell calmed my restless emotions.

I stared at the door and accidentally fell asleep, as if after a long time, Tang Fengxing patted the shoulder, he wanted to remove the potted plant on my lap, I was obsessed with holding it tightly, I was vague He said in a low voice, "I've been waiting for you for a long time, but you still don't come out."

"Sorry, it's been a while."

"Leave me here alone." I looked at him, feeling a lot of grievances in vain, like a three-year-old child, and burst into tears.

He wiped away my tears and said: "Although I don't want to use reasoning to enlighten you, you must understand the reasoning. I promise I won't let you here alone in the future. Let's all come together in the future, okay? Chen Shuning, you have to learn to follow The doctor said, the doctor also wants your illness to get better soon, and actively cooperate with the treatment, okay? If you can, you just nod, let's go in and talk now, don't be a saw-mouthed gourd, okay?"

I nodded and said, "Can you touch my ears, please? I'm so scared. I'm so scared right now."

He knelt down, took the chamomile away, leaned his head over to touch my earlobe, and said with a smile, "Chen Shuning, you're taking advantage of me again."

I rubbed his earlobe and suddenly realized that he didn't wear earrings today.The fleshy texture of the earlobe was reddened by my rubbing, so I was willing to let go, and said very unreasonably: "I want to take it."

"Okay, then we're going in."

I started a simple communication with the doctor, or told the doctor about the plan booklet, the doctor asked me softly: "General situation is known, the medicine will be replaced. Then do you want to be hospitalized? Because of your, um, extreme behavior now It's too serious, it's life-threatening."

I shook my head and said, "No." I turned around and grabbed Tang Fengxing's hand, and I shook my head at him.He squeezed my hand and said, it's okay, it's not compulsory.There was endless panic in my heart, the long corridor, the crowd like me, I was locked in a small room waiting, waiting for the constant change of day and night.

I firmly pinned Tang Fengxing's hand with my nails and said, "No, I don't want to stay here. Let's go back to school, okay? I'm so scared."

Tang Fengxing patted my head, comforted me and said, "Chen Shuning is still out of the hospital, and I don't feel very relieved that he is here alone. After all, it's a bit far away from the school to visit him here."

The doctor nodded and asked us to get the medicine, and told Tang Fengxing to pay attention to my behavior. Finally, he said that if I had long-term hallucinations and lost consciousness, I had to be hospitalized.

The old man hates it to death and wants to lock me up.I cursed in my heart and didn't want to talk anymore.

After leaving the hospital, I finally took off the weight on my body, and my breathing became much easier, and the dry and cold air like a knife made me feel comfortable.I felt that the corners of my eyes were extremely dry, so I rubbed my eyes, Tang Fengxing pulled my hand away and said, "Go get a pair of glasses and go back to school."

I nodded and saw that the back of his hand was covered with red marks from my nails. I glanced embarrassedly and said stiffly: "I'm sorry, sometimes I can't control myself."

He pushed my wheelchair and said, "It's okay, you don't need to apologize, so I can feel your fear more intuitively. After all, I'm not you, and I can't fully empathize with you."

"You don't need to understand me and empathize with me. You have done a good job and treated me well. I... just want to grab something. "

Afraid of the feeling of falling, there is a sense of emptiness in my chest. Only when I hold onto Tang Fengxing can I find some security.Calm and safe, but now looking at the continuous flow of the road, I am afraid of his leaving.

When I took a taxi with my mobile phone and waited for the taxi to arrive, he was standing next to me. I touched the back of his hand, and the skin on the back of his hand was lifted by me. I said again in a muffled voice, "I'm sorry."

"Then take medicine well and actively cooperate with treatment."

I nodded and said, "Well, I want to touch my ears."

"Touch your own! Mine are all swollen!" Tang Feng rubbed my hair covering my eyes badly, and I pulled his black down coat and said, "Let me touch it."

He knelt down resignedly and said, "Outside, can you save me some face, my skin is still...very thin."

I rubbed his earlobe triumphantly, sneaked up and kissed his cheek, he lowered his head, his ears and face flushed instantly, I continued triumphantly: "It's really thin-skinned."

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Chen Shuning's perspective