winter suicide plan

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The white curtain in front of me fell, and I saw Tang Fengxing holding my hand next to Wang Gaoxu, and forcefully opened my fingers on his neck. He was still calling me, like the echo of a wide place, I saw I shrank my hands in fright.

Wang Gaoxu knelt down due to lack of oxygen. There were bruises and pinches on his neck. The imprints of my fingers seemed to be laughing. I lost control of laughing. Tang Fengxing helped Wang Gaoxu up, his eyes full of worry and panic.

"Chen Shuning, why is your face covered in blood?"

"Wang Gaoxu, are you hitting him?" Tang Fengxing pulled up the limp Wang Gaoxu.

"I accidentally hit it. You should see what he choked me first. You judge the reason. I almost died on the spot. He is killing people!"

"If you don't mess with him, can he do this to you?"

I didn't dare to look at him, I lowered my head, the blood from my nose dripped on my palm, I moved the wheelchair on my own, and walked to the corridor, I heard Wang Gaoxu scolding, he scolded me for being crazy, no Just hit him by the wrong hand, and he would be killed.

I moved the wheelchair quickly in horror, but I didn't hear Tang Fengxing calling me. Blood dripped on my pants, breaking the calm, wanton killing like a beast.

Kill, I killed, I almost killed someone just now, I, I am indeed a psychopath.I scratched my face with my nails in a daze, the pain seemed to be able to offset the guilt just now, I was not satisfied, I still wanted to tear something apart, I was crazy, I wanted to find a target, I wanted to see things broken Cracked, destroyed, dead.

No medicine was brought out.

I moved from the air corridor to another renovated teaching building, took out my trousers to hide the knife in my pocket, and quickly scratched my old scarred arm, but it didn't hurt, my trembling hands stabbed one after another, and my whole body swelled unbearably , The heart seemed to jump out, the guilt and fear that couldn't be offset.

I hit the stone wall next to the railing of the corridor with my fist, digging with my nails, and hammering with my fist. The bone collided violently with the wall, making a muffled sound. The pain was dull, as if I had some feeling, and my chest seemed to be squeezed. Claws torn.

The blood stained my sweater, I took the knife and was about to draw it close to the pulse of my wrist when it was pulled away.

Tang Fengxing looked at me and threw the knife on the ground.The sky is oppressive dark blood orange, I look at him, I tell him to fuck off, give me back the knife.

He was indifferent, I bent down to cut the knife by myself, he kicked the knife away, grabbed my arm, pushed up the sleeve of the clothes that had just slipped back, countless knife marks were still oozing blood, and the sweater and bottoming Clothes were stained with blood.

I regained some pain sensation, and the pain came one after another. The pain made my arms numb, trembling uncontrollably, and I shrank back reflexively.

"Chen Shuning, does it hurt, does it hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt."

"It hurts so much just looking at it, don't scratch it, it's all blood."

He pulled my arm, hurriedly took out a tissue from his pocket, and held it tightly, for fear that I would escape, so I pulled my arm, trying to break free from his shackles.

He has been disappointed in me, I can't control myself, my emotions, and my behavior.

I'm not under the control of drugs, just a word from others can cause me to lose control, I'm like an unruly beast.

"Get out, don't touch me, I won't be fine, I'm crazy, don't worry about me, don't care about me! Don't take medicine! Don't talk to me again. Don't stay with me, it's so annoying, I don't want to hear it .”

I broke free from his hand, I wanted to cover my ears, cover my eyes, I looked around, looking for a place, I wanted to hide.

The sunset glow has dissipated, and the dark orange sky is pervasive, as if the oranges have been moldy after being stored for a long time, and the inside has begun to rot.

I just want him to leave, away from me, I don't want to be seen at my ugliest.

The outside is bright and beautiful, but the inside is riddled with holes.Countless times of collapse and reconstruction, I can survive a few times.

I looked at his face, obviously it was still very pleasing to the eye today, but now it made me want to push him away, I don't want to see disappointment on that face.

I really want someone to love me, but I can't do it, I can't be loved by someone, I'm so dangerous, I'm just a ticking time bomb, it will be triggered at any time, and I will be ripped apart.

I tried to push him away with my hands, regardless of the wound on my arm that was still bleeding, and uttering all kinds of swear words, I don't want him to stay here.

But the strength of his hand is much stronger than mine, and I can't break free at all. I lay down and said helplessly and discouragedly: "I beg you, please go, don't be in front of me, I feel annoyed when you are in front of me. "

Tang Fengxing was obviously stunned and said nothing, but he still had no intention of leaving me.

The pain gradually overwhelmed my agitation, and my violent behavior gradually played back in my mind. I began to bite my lip, and my canine teeth clenched into my lip.

He grabbed the sides of my mouth with his fingers, pressed them down, stopped my teeth from clenching and said, "Ah Ning, I'm here, I won't go, you look at me, look at me, don't be afraid, I'm always here .”

He looked at me, his fingers interlocked with mine, and he pressed his forehead against mine. I saw his eyes up close, which were dim and unclear, but his eyes were bright.

"This is not a mental illness, this is a mental illness, this is different. This is similar to a mental disorder, but there is a problem with the mood. You are taking medicine now, just like people with diabetes, high blood pressure, and some osteoporosis. Order a health supplement, and you should treat it as a health supplement, a health supplement to restore your mood."

I gradually stabilized, and I asked with a trembling voice: "Aren't I a psychopath?"

He stroked the hair on the back of my head: "No, Ah Ning is not, Ah Ning is very nice, so good that I feel that I can't have it. Ah Ning, you are the person I have always liked, and you are worthy of being loved. Beloved person."

"I don't understand, Tang Fengxing, but I still think I'm a lunatic. Why do you still insist on liking me? What do I have to like?" I was shaking in the cold wind, as if I had fallen into an ice cellar, and my arms were already stiff , the body is also being frozen.

"There are many. If you want to listen, I can tell you all night. If you don't want to listen, you can just read my diary, and I can read it to you. I recorded how much I like Chen Shuning for 1030 days."

"You're not crazy, you're not crazy, you're the one I've always liked."

"You can listen to me say it as many times as you want. If there is no accident, I will say it 50 years later, 60 years later, until you believe it."

"Now let's go to the infirmary to stop the bleeding, shall we?"

My thinking deviates from that of normal people. Normal people digest emotions normally, choose correct behaviors to release or transform emotions.But I can't, I don't know how to transform emotions, I can only dissolve bad emotions with pain.

"But Tang Fengxing, you have seen me like this. I almost killed someone just now. This is different from the Chen Shuning you like. And that Wang Gaoxu called me crazy, I couldn't help but feel bad, I almost killed him, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. But I can't find a way to release it. I feel like I should die instead of staying here and continuing to... live."

"Just say it when you feel uncomfortable, can you tell me how uncomfortable you are?" Tang Fengxing held my face in his hands and wiped my tears.

"A Ning, think about it, only kind people, good people will get this kind of disease, because you care about me, my feelings, and Wang Gaoxu's feelings. Bad people don't care about other people's feelings, what others do to them It doesn't matter, does it?"

"Don't be afraid, death is not the only way to solve the problem, and don't choose to blame yourself all the time. Let's deal with the wound first, take the medicine, and wait for the emotions to stabilize before solving this matter."

"It's your choice to push me away, but it's my choice not to leave. You can't interfere with me."

He stroked my hair one by one, maybe he felt my shivering: "It's too cold here, let's go."

"If I don't go to the infirmary, I will be seen, and they will tell me to go to the psychological room."

"They would throw me in, ask all kinds of things, and tell me to think about it, not to think about it. It's useless to talk about it. I don't want to go, I don't want to recall those things, it's so painful."

"Then let me take you to a good place, okay?"

"Where?"

"A place where no one else will see us."

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Chen Shuning's perspective