winter suicide plan

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I wandered around in the small garden of the hospital, wearing a down jacket, the sun was gentle, like soft butter, and the leaves were eye-catching green in front of my eyes, so green.Now the color is always very saturated in front of my eyes, and I suddenly understand a little bit of Van Gogh's painting, that pair of oil paintings in the bar, where the bright yellow lights spread out.

After Laba is over, it will be cold, and after the big cold, it will be New Year’s Eve. To celebrate the New Year, you have to listen to the sound of firecrackers all night, and the days of fireworks all night are ushering in the prosperous days.

I wandered back to the corridor, just in time to see a patient bump into a stone pillar uncomfortably, and was dragged away by the nurse.I walked there and stopped, a little bit can't remember where I wanted to go, it seems that I have been to this place since I woke up.I stood there thinking for a while, touched my pocket, and took out a note with a string of phone numbers written on it.

I stood there thinking for a long time who this phone number belonged to. During the course of treatment here for a period of time, I would forget some trivial things, but I can still remember those big pains.

I went to the front desk of the nurse to dial the phone number, and a familiar voice came: "Chen Shuning, what's wrong?"

I paused, my mind was a little numb: "Tang Fengxing, I just forgot that this string of phone numbers belongs to you."

There was a moment of silence on the other side, and Sunshine's voice came: "That means you call me too rarely. If you call me a few more times, you won't forget."

"But I am forgetting a lot of things now. Sometimes I forget whether I ate or not, and what I want to do. I may have just wanted to call you, but I forgot after a while in the sun." .”

"Chen Shuning, then write it down, you took my diary away, then write things down in the diary every day, and tell me every day when you call, I want to hear it."

His voice was slow, and the voice on the phone was distorted, gradually resembling the voice from a gramophone.

I nodded on the other end of the phone and continued to ask in a flat voice: "When will you come to see me?"

"Miss me?"

"I think about it, I really think about it, I have to look through your diary every day. I want to see you now, I want to hug you and kiss you." I said myself without hesitation at the public phone. All thoughts now.

He smiled happily over there, the laughter was light, with an itch to tickle my heart, and a feeling of fullness and soreness: "Hurry up, I will ask the doctor, what do you want me to bring?" Do you want to eat?"

"Tomato soup."

"Isn't there?"

"No, it's really bad. There's no such thing as Tang Fengxing."

He chuckled lightly over the headset and said, "The doctor said that the longer you stay stable, the more chances I can go."

I looked at the scar on my wrist and said, "I know, I will cooperate with the treatment, take the medicine well, and leave the hospital early."

He was silent on the other end, paused for a while and began to ask some very simple questions: "What did you have for breakfast?"

"Porridge, with some pickles."

"Are you full?"

"I'll spit out a little, better than usual."

"Because of the medicine?"

"Maybe I have a bad stomach."

"How did the nurse treat you?"

"It's good, but the needle is a bit painful."

"Perhaps no good doctor who can prick the needle will come here."

"Does it hurt without cramps?"

"It doesn't hurt, I will be anesthetized, and I just wake up dizzy."

"Didn't lie?"

"No."

"Now that I've heard it, I really want to go and see what's going on with you."

I know he can only imagine on the other end of the phone, and I also know why Tang Fengxing can't come to see me.Due to special reasons, the doctor told me to visit again after I became more stable, based on my behavior, my special family, and considering Tang Fengxing's safety.

On the night of celebrating my mother's birthday, I had a fever, probably because I was freezing for hours in the winter wearing a summer dress.When Tang Fengxing asked me to go out to buy antipyretics, I woke up in bed.

A gruff man shouted in my ear, "Get up! Get up! Get up! Get out! Get out!"

There was no pause in the hurried voice, panting.

My eyes opened suddenly, the dark bedroom was like a swamp, there was something hidden in the invisible place, unknown fear.The cold darkness quietly penetrated into my body, corroding my immobile body.

But his consciousness was very vague, and he couldn't control his body, so he suddenly thought of the fourth method in his suicide plan manual, which still had something to do with water, but it was different from the second method.This kind is not as good as the second kind, and it doesn't look like an accident.

There is a bathtub in the bathroom. I feel cold, and I try indifferently to warm my body. I wear long-sleeved loose clothes and sit in it.When the switch was turned on, the steaming water slid down from the sprinkler head, like strips of transparent jelly, sticking to my skin with elasticity.I feel the warmth on my skin and I'm ready to close my eyes and go to sleep.

I watched the water in the bathtub gradually turn reddish. I picked it up to see why it was light red. I turned around and saw a fruit knife on the ground outside the bathtub.

He saw a scarlet oozing long wound on his wrist, like a red thread tied around his wrist.

I put my headphones on, pulled the cord and dropped them on the floor.

He heard the familiar singing voice inside.

There is not much emotion, with a kind of indifference, like the usual peaceful dream.

The last thing on my mind - I didn't do it perfectly this time, this knife is the failure of this plan

My head started to slide down, down, down.

When the water was about to cover my nose from my neck to my chin, and then to my mouth, I was already unconscious, but I could still hear the lyrics clearly, like a comfortable lullaby.

In front of my eyes was a pale red ocean, I was like a fish about to drown myself, returning my rotting flesh and blood to this warm ocean.

When I first woke up, I was dizzy, and the light in front of my eyes was so bright that my brain hurt, as if I was caught by a door.I vaguely saw Tang Fengxing's shadow, but couldn't focus on it clearly, and closed my eyes again.

Second suicide attempt.

In fact, when I committed suicide, I didn't think of anything, and I was completely indifferent. This is the most dangerous situation.

I lay in bed for two days before waking up. On the third day, I had no energy to speak at all, and I was in a trance for a whole day.Tang Fengxing talked to me about some things on the fourth day of my recovery.I put on my glasses, and I could clearly see bloodshot eyes, a little unshaved stubble, and a little haggard.

I pinched my quilt regretfully, why didn't I control myself?

I'm an idiot for laughing at depression when I'm manic.

When I'm depressed, I'm an idiot for laughing at mania.

When I was in my normal period, it was an idiot to laugh at depression and mania.

I didn't wait for him to talk to me, I touched his hand, turned my tight throat and said: "Go to the hospital, send me to that hospital."

It has been about a week since I was taken there, and I was called by the radio to take medicine day after day. Although it was very shameful at first, and I would deliberately pretend not to hear it, the girl upstairs came down and wandered around and came to explain me. She was younger than me. A little girl who is only a sophomore in high school.The hair is shorter than mine, and the sideburns are shaved off, and the jawline is extremely obvious, like a little boy.

She saw that I deliberately ignored the broadcast, and she said to me disdainfully: "They are all mentally ill, why should you feel ashamed, you here are the same as everyone else, there is no difference, if you are sick, you will be sick, What is there to admit, can you lose a piece of meat?"

I was ridiculed by someone younger than me, so I was naturally in a bad mood, but somehow I listened to it.Later, the sound of the broadcast will be ignored, and the medicine will be taken automatically and consciously, and blood will be drawn according to the arrangement.

I would hold Tang Fengxing's diary and look through it for a long time. When I was always depressed to the extreme, thinking about it, my body would hurt, and Tang Fengxing's heart would hurt.So I gave up and started to copy his name. I could write about 500 on one page. I don’t know how many I wrote down before I could be discharged from the hospital. I hope it will be an auspicious number at that time.

The draft paper was borrowed from the sophomore girl in high school. I couldn’t remember her name. She would be very upset and would often yell at me why I couldn’t remember her name, and then the nurse stopped me from yelling.

I just said that your name is too difficult to pronounce. Generally, in a three-letter name, the tone of the last word will be lowered, or three tones, so that the name will be smooth and easy to remember.

She simply ignored me and went to my bathroom to secretly play with her mobile phone. Sometimes she would be caught by the nurse for smoking, and she would give me the cigarette case and let me speak for her.

I said I didn't care about her, but turned around and cooperated with him in acting, saying that I smoked it and asked her to hide it for me, and I was also responsible for the smell of cigarettes in the bathroom.

I was sued to the doctor, and I was sued to Tang Fengxing as if he was my guardian.

No, he is my lover, not that annoying guardian.

I would tell him that it was not me who smoked, explain the ins and outs clearly, and at the end whisper a few words at the sophomore girl, but first restrained and then raised, and finally praised a few words, so that I could dispel the guilt of speaking ill of others behind their backs.Tang Fengxing must believe me, because I don't like smoking at all, and I don't smoke women's cigarettes, but only Tang Fengxing believes in me, and the nurses and doctors don't believe me.

Originally, Tang Fengxing could come to see me after I was stable for three days, but because when he was about to come to see me, I had an argument with the nurse. I changed it myself, but the blood came back, and the part of the infusion tube on the back of the hand was full of dark red blood.

The nurse with a local face was dressed in a crowded nurse uniform, as if squeezing her flesh.The nurse scolded me when she came, and I jumped up and called her a bastard, obviously she didn't remember to change it for me, so I had to change it myself.

She got even angrier and scolded me back, saying that I was an idiot with too many things to do, and that I could call her by ringing the bell.

I said I pressed it, but it failed to come after hundreds of times.

When I said it, I might raise my arm, and she would push me violently. I had been eating less, and my body was weak and my mind was shaking due to the drug control every day.

When I hit my head, I grabbed her collar subconsciously. The needle was pulled out because of the big movement, and the blood got on her clothes. She quickly called others to subdue me, saying that I was sick and wanted to Start with her.

At that time, I just wanted to spit on her, so I wouldn't attack a lump of pork belly, I was so tired of it.

But it was obvious that the other party moved me first, so I was injected with a ↑ sedative, and I had an attack in half an hour, and I was so collapsed that I died.I was so angry that I was wronged at the end. I sat in the corner of the building in the garden and cried for nearly four hours, wiping all the tissues given by the second-year girl in high school.

She laughed at me and said, "Big men still cry."

"Don't bother with little brats."

"You used my paper without saying thank you, and you used up the whole roll."

"I'll buy you a new roll."

"The same brand."

"All right, I'll pick and choose. I'll buy you the cheapest one."

I have never dared to tell Tang Fengxing about this matter. I want to lurk here and secretly record the behavior of this nurse who bullied me. I have always planned to report her abuse when I go out and refer to her, but she was transferred. I never found her, and my plan came to an end before it even started.

But later I couldn't hold back my grievances, so I still talked about it.Tang Fengxing still believed me, but the doctor didn't believe it. Tang Fengxing was told by the annoying doctor that he couldn't visit me for the time being. He couldn't visit me until I stabilized.I was so aggrieved that I didn't dare to vent my emotions wantonly, for fear of seeing him again later.I secretly logged into my WeChat with the mobile phone of a sophomore girl and sent him my bruised, purple, and swollen back of my hand for him to see.

I said I should study the Fa anyway, so I could sue her, and I said arrogantly that I would definitely win.In fact, after analyzing it later, I first insulted her verbally, and then she started to talk back.But she also did physical harm, so according to the situation at the time, whether she hurt people intentionally or unintentionally is also very important.My mind began to recall the process, and it became fragmented. Some clips still had a little white screen, as if a section of the film was removed, and the loss was serious.

After thinking about it, I found it troublesome, so I didn't waste my brain cells and went to copy his name.

I also cursed and said that I was not sick, I just got a little excited, but she also scolded me, originally you could come to see me.

He told me not to worry about it, he would deal with it, and if he was wronged because he couldn't receive good treatment there, he told him to go back and change to another hospital, and one of them would be good.

Then I replied to him, proudly saying that I will not be wronged, I don't care about these idiots.

Listening to his words, I feel that only Tang Fengxing is the one who treats me sincerely. I regret doing that stupid thing so that I can stay by his side all the time, instead of using this place where I can’t see him, and listen to him. I have to listen to the voice secretly, and I can only cry when I hear it, and there is no familiar hand to wipe my tears.

I found out later that the nurse was not transferred, but fired.It was done by Tang Fengxing. I asked him later, but he didn't go into details.

After I was hospitalized for a week, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night thinking about him like crazy, my mind was full of his face and his voice.Squeezing some words in it, I figured out one thing after organizing it, and called him first in the middle of the night in a hurry.I quietly ran upstairs and woke up the girl in the second year of high school. After she scolded me, she threw the phone to me and asked me to leave some power for her to play with.

I squatted in the toilet, and he should be asleep at this point, so I didn't want to disturb his rest, so I sent him a WeChat message.

My body was shaking in winter, and my hands were stiff from the cold, so I struggled to type for him with trembling hands.

Chen Shuning: [I thought of something and must tell you. ]

Chen Shuning: [The medicine is very unpalatable, vomiting is also very uncomfortable, and no convulsions are very painful, so painful that I can't stand up.The nurses were not very nice to me either.I miss you too. ]

Chen Shuning: [I know that hospital treatment is one of the best ways for me to recover, and love is not the only way to heal. ]

Chen Shuning: [Love cannot cure my disease, but you can push me to actively treat this disease.Maybe the analogy is weird.In fact, you are not a blind potion in my healing medicine, you are the catalyst that promotes my transformation.The medicaments involved in the reaction will disappear and change, but the catalyst will not, and the quality, volume, and properties will not change. ]

Chen Shuning: [I hope to work harder so that I have the opportunity to spend New Year's Eve with you. ]

Chen Shuning: [Good night.Tang Fengxing. ]

Chen Shuning: [I miss you very much today too. ]

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Chen Shuning's perspective