After I divorced from chaos step

When he was seven years old, he raised a cat.

It was a black cat with pure black eyes and fur, small and abandoned by a garbage dump.

When he picked it up, it was already dying.

It rained heavily that night, and he avoided everyone, crawled barefoot from the old-fashioned fireplace, ran out of the house, and ran all the way in the rain.

The heavy rain gave him rare pneumonia and high fever in the middle of the night in early summer.

The sound of the rain drowned out his coughing and the faint panting of the black cat.So how did he discover it?

Because he stepped on its limp tail.

The gravel road was uneven, which abraded his delicate soles.With every step, a new wound was added, until he stepped on that limp cat's tail.

The cat's tail is like insoluble cotton candy, which makes his paws less painful.

He stopped, squatted down, and looked curiously at the small black ball under his feet that was motionless in the heavy rain.

It was covered in water, its brows and eyes were closed, and it was impossible to tell whether it was dead or alive, but he was sure that it was alive for no reason.

He opened a small hand and placed it on its face, blocking the rain.

Going down, he touched its neck.As long as you use a little more force, it can be completely freed from here.

Suddenly there was a warm touch from his fingers, it was the cat that bit him.

It was just a bite, and it didn't hurt or itch. It was obvious that it had exhausted all its strength.

He blinked and changed his mind.

……

He started raising the black cat, just as the book said.

He asked the adults for a cat teasing stick, which is a very common cat teasing toy. No one stopped him from raising cats. It is normal for children to match small animals.

The black cat was covered in wounds and wounds on its limbs. It was hard to imagine what kind of abuse it had suffered.But its vitality is very tenacious, and it survived without seeing a doctor or applying medicine.

He poured it milk, and it crawled over to drink the milk, leaving a row of dirty but lovely footprints on the clean floor.

There was mud and blood in the footprints.

"No, you've stained the floor." He whispered.

The black cat didn't even look at him, and held its head high, as if it didn't know the pain.

"Let me figure out a way." He tilted his head.

He rummaged through the drawers and found a roll of bandages.The bandages are white and soft, covering ugly bruises on limbs and preventing cats from soiling clean floors.

He thought his idea was perfect.

The black cat didn't cooperate.

It scratched at the bandage frantically, trying to tear off what didn't belong to its limbs.It goes from quiet to utterly insane.

He was a little confused.

"Is it that painful?"

The black cat's eyes are very beautiful, like black gemstones.It was extremely dark, and it seemed to have a strong gentleness from a distance.

This tenderness has been completely broken.

He watched the farce with cold eyes. The black cat scratched off the bandage, and he tied it up again.It's too small to resist, and it's easy to grab.

Then one day, he woke up from his nap to find his cat dead.He was having a fantastic dream when he heard a loud noise, then he opened his eyes and lowered his eyes to look at the motionless black cat on the ground.

He didn't know why he was so sure, it was dead.

Just like when we met for the first time, it was motionless in the heavy rain, but he felt that it was alive.

The surroundings were suddenly quiet, so quiet that the sound of water dripping from the cup on the floor could be heard.

The cat bumped into the cabinet and knocked over the water glass. The mouth of the glass tilted, and water dripped out of it like tears.

The cause of death is unknown, suicide or accident, it all depends on his imagination.

The milk on the plate was not drunk, and the bandage couldn't be untied until death, it was just scratched a little bit.

The paws are too soft for a cat.

It is too weak.

He wondered blankly, should he throw it away or bury it?

He had seen a funeral belonging to a rabbit by the sea.A group of older children were burying a rabbit that had been accidentally hit by a car.

The ceremony was grand and grand and comical.

There are as many graves and flowers as there are cries, like a serious joke.

His cat died, and he thought he'd cry a little symbolically, like the kids.But he touched his face, and there was nothing on his face.

He didn't feel sad, as if he had lost this feeling a long time ago, and it seemed like he had never had it before.He just couldn't figure it out, why was it struggling?

Why is it always struggling?

He untied the bandages wrapped around the cat's limbs, tried to tie them on his arms, picked up the cat teaser, reversed the position for the first time, and gently scraped his chin.

The strange man appeared at this time.He has the same iris eyes as him, and shaggy, slightly curly hair.

Even more like him than his old father.

He saw the bandage wrapped around the man's arm, miraculously similar to what he was doing at the moment.

"Osamu Dazai." The man called him by first and last name. This is his new name, and he is not familiar with people around him calling him this.

He didn't even ask who you were before he was hugged by the man.As if he was sure that he would not struggle, the man didn't tie him up, nor did he cover his mouth.

So he was quite cooperative and didn't call.

He turned his head and took one last look at the black cat.

The chandelier flickered, and in the flickering light, he saw the black cat standing up again.

It stood up from the dirty floor, and where the pads stepped, a lush grass grew.

The meadow stretched down to the sea, where there was light and beautifully shaped waves.

The black cat whined and jumped.

He wanted to open his eyes to see clearly that the man holding him had already left in the night.

"The cat jumped into the sea," he said to the man. "Did you see that?"

The man let out a "hmm" and covered his eyes with his palms.

Deprived of vision, hearing and touch became particularly sensitive, and the man's palms were cold and without warmth.The wind blows from afar, and it is a whirring sound that passes by the ears.

Why is that cat struggling?Why did it jump into the sea?

Questions snowballed in his mind, getting bigger and bigger.

He didn't understand any of them.

When he saw the girl Yuan Qingxi, he recognized her at a glance, the professional mourner.

He once walked along the coastline of Kamakura to see the sea that connects the horizon.

He saw them throw a funeral for Rabbit by the sea, she and a red-haired boy howling like the whole world was falling apart.

The purple-haired boy next to them was busy comforting them. His words were not only funny, but also funny.

The little rabbit is not dead, but went to the sky, where there are green grass and sweet bamboo, it will watch them there, cheer for them, and its heart will always be with them.

"It's dead." He seriously corrected the purple-haired boy when he went to the bathroom, "It's dead."

The purple-haired boy looked at him suspiciously, but said nothing.He turned around, took advantage of no one, and viciously kicked over the tomb they worked so hard to pile up for the rabbit, and the flowers they collected were also crushed by him. He could imagine their angry and wronged expressions after they found out.

——A good boy is suitable for being bruised all over.

He didn't know the follow-up of that incident, he played a lot of pranks, he forgot when he left Kamakura, and only remembered when he saw her.

She stood in the twilight, looking at the sea alone, the sea water had reached her waistline.

It seemed that he was preparing to commit suicide, but his face was full of reluctance, and he shivered in the sea, exuding a kind of hypocritical tragedy.

"Mr. Jin." She called the man in front of her.

The man put him down and asked her to touch his hand.He didn't dodge or dodge, the place touched by the girl's fingers left a little heat, he thought the blanket on his body was a bit thin.

In an instant, he saw a strange tenderness in her dark eyes.

She had dark, rich eyes, like the cat's.

This kind of eyes can see a person firmly without blinking.

He asked the man, "Can I go home?"

After getting a negative answer, he stayed obediently.

It's like compromising with the kidnapper, like compromising with fate, but in fact, to him, it's the same everywhere.

When the upper eyelashes touch the lower eyelashes 19700 times, that is one day has passed.

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and there are always four seasons in a year, like a tireless and stubborn and boring reincarnation.

The world is in a hurry, but for the fame and fortune in front of the body and the family behind.

...It's boring.

He has lost playmates since he was a child, but it is not uncommon, for example, a stupid playmate like Yuan Qingxi, he is not even interested in teasing her.

He saw the suicide note she wrote, rambling between the lines and making typos.

It doesn't look like a suicide note, but rather like a hoarse cry for help.

[I want to live. 】

live...

Alive.

The opposite of living is dead—no, there is no such thing as dead, only dead.Living is a continuous state, while death is a rest, without a subsequent period.

Most people can't see death as home, because they don't know where they are. Even if they know, this kind of courage is rare.But for the vast majority of people, no one is willing to write shame and fear of death on their faces.

She was probably the most straightforward person he had ever seen who expressed fear of death.

She prays every day, with all kinds of prayers, and the objects of her prayers range from Uchiha Itachi to Fire Fist Ace, and the handsome supporting actor in the hot-blooded anime on Juvenile Jump is prayed over and over by her.

She probably only looked at the faces, but didn't pay attention to any of them, and she herself didn't live to the end, lost in her young years.

She is also keen to talk to him, but he always likes to ignore her.He broke his tongue on the way here, and when he spoke, there was a strong smell of blood in his mouth.

He listened to her guessing about his family. She guessed that he had a fierce mother who supervised his homework, a father who played baseball well and secretly gave him pocket money, and a lazy orange cat at home. , the Buddha will not jump up until his tail is pinched.

She thought a lot, and said it vividly, as if it was real.

He sneered back.

The days at the beach are very boring. When there is no wind, the waves dissipate, and time seems to stand still in the endless coastline.

They read books separately, and he found a peerless masterpiece, which described the process and degree of each suicide method in detail and rigorously. He wanted to scream excitedly, but his tongue hadn't healed yet.

The people next to him screamed for him.She also discovered a peerless masterpiece, a book of fortune telling and palm reading.She compared the pages of the book and inadvertently confirmed that her lifeline was very long, and she firmly believed that she could live a long life.

He scoffed at such absurd and groundless books. In the book he was holding, there were pictures of cutting the skin of his hands.He showed her that the reality is that no matter what kind of palmprint the hand has, the tragedy after the skin and flesh are separated is the same.

She also showed him the masterpieces that she regarded as precious, and expressed concern and regret for his short life.

They each hold their faith in their hands.

They were supposed to keep each other away, but she stubbornly drew a vertical line on his palm, extending the lifeline to the wrist.

He badly changed all the fortune-telling charts she read, and her lucky palm turned into a bad one. After she found out, she began to have trouble sleeping and eating, but it only lasted for a long time, and she immediately became full of energy. She began to only pick books Believe the good words on the Internet.

Anyone who said that she would live a long life was regarded as the truth.Anyone who said that she had a short life and died early would be farting.

When all the pages of the book were revised by him, she simply threw the book away, muttering that she believed in science and superstition were harmful things.

So ridiculous, such a double standard, such a slap in the face.

Only then did he understand that her beliefs were never written in books, but her beliefs of greed for life and fear of death were written in her heart and carved into her bones.No question can shake her determination.

He began to wonder, she was so eager for the reason to live, which made him finally have a little interest in her, and he hoped to find one or two reasons from her to live, pretending to be tailor-made for himself.

She wants to see the great hero All Might, wants her childhood sweetheart boy to like her, wants that boy to become the number one tennis player in the world, wants her mother to play mahjong to win money, wants to be an office cadre in the new semester, All the questions you want to test will be written.

Gone.

This is gone.

How sad, what a trivial reason.

He tried in vain to find a trace of fooling him from her face, which would prove that she had something to hide.

If he has something to hide, he can take advantage of it.But she was so frank that people were speechless, and she didn't lie to him in a single word.

He felt a kind of powerlessness, like a stormy wave was coming towards him, and he was ready to greet him with tears of joy, but in fact it was a ball of rotten cotton.

He started deliberately against her.He instigated her to climb a high branch to pick the inedible citron fruit for him. The tree was cut down by him in advance and was already fragile.

He watched her expressionless and fell to the ground with a tree and a tree, scratching the delicate flesh of her body.At least cry, he thought.

But she jumped up excitedly: "Great, so many fruits are ours, saving me from climbing up and down to pick them."

He thought, her pain nerve must be broken.

She picked the biggest citron and handed it to him as if offering a treasure.He didn't answer, pretending to be polite and let her eat first.

She was a little flattered, and immediately went to cut it.

He couldn't wait to see the scene where she was so sour and screaming, but he didn't see it at all, because she came out of the kitchen very quickly, a little distressed, but not for food.

"Zhijiang, the fruit may not be ripe yet, and it's not very tasty, which disappoints you. But it smells so good, I hung it in the room, and we can sleep well at night."

"..."

He was getting worse and worse, trying to tear her cheap happiness apart.

As she always fantasizes about All Might and Yukimura Seiichi vying to express their admiration for her, he begins to taunt her, reminding her that this is a dream of her age, reminding her of the possibility of dying soon.

She beat him up first, and then finally wailed loudly, hugging him and howling to death.Her tears rolled down his collar, and he finally changed his words: "The probability of Yukimura is slightly higher."

She seemed to be hugging driftwood for survival, and asked him tearfully, how much is bigger?

She fell asleep when she was tired from crying, and when she woke up, she was full of confidence again, humming an impassioned song.

She is still kind to him, he likes to eat crabs, but he doesn't like to get his hands dirty, so he always asks her to peel them for him, peel all the crab roe and meat, and ask her to separate the two, otherwise he refuses to eat.

He wanted to see her furious, but she was neither angry nor annoyed, she patiently opened the crab, and after a meal, he was full, and her meal was cold and she hadn't had time to eat it yet.

She took care of him as a child, told him the story of Yugong Yishan, and told him the story of Jingwei reclamation.

Teach him to have determination, perseverance, and perseverance in doing things.

Her language is too poor to tell a vivid story, but she sincerely believes that everyone in the story has the right belief.

Most people in the world are like this.

Otherwise, those stories would not be written into idioms, recorded in textbooks, and passed down from generation to generation.

But does it really matter?

Yu Gong can continue to walk around the mountain, but he stubbornly puts pressure on the descendants, self-righteously choosing the direction of life for them.

Jingwei is like a perpetual motion machine, repeating an impossible task. If it had used its energy in other areas, it might have become the king of beasts.

The four seasons are also obstinately obeying reincarnation, and the order of spring, summer, autumn and winter will never change—well, this is the fault of the earth's revolution.

It's boring.

He wants to enjoy the snow in summer, the cherry blossoms in winter, the reverse of the sea and the sky, the dinosaurs walking through the streets of Yokohama and crushing those unsightly bridges.

He was probably so bored that he was so bored that he got sick. He was not in good health, and he was used to it.But she started to get nervous, showing unprecedented seriousness, serving him tea and water, and rubbing alcohol on his skin.

And sang to him—what the hell, it was noise.

He deliberately refused to take the medicine and tempted her to eat MSG bibimbap, but she didn't refuse.

He was completely frustrated, and she seemed to be born this way, willing to cooperate with all his actions unconditionally.

If you want to ask the reason, there is only one reason, he is younger than her.

She clumsily origami flowers, wrote a lucky lottery to pray for him, and boasted all the empty words-even if you want the stars in the sky, I can pick them off for you.

He couldn't change his habit of poking her, so he smiled and said, okay, you go pick it.

She was dumbfounded, she probably didn't expect the mission factor to be so high this time.

No matter how powerful the supernatural power is in this world, it is absolutely impossible to do this kind of thing.

He was just making things difficult.

And from that day on, all her thoughts were only one.Just pick the stars.

……

The night he left the coast of Kamakura, he didn't miss it at all.

The sea is still the sea, the sky is still the sky, the stars are still—

He stopped abruptly.

He saw large stretches of sandy beach filled with "bowls" of all sizes.

All the tools that can hold water in the house were moved out by her.The bowl is filled with water, reflecting the stars and moon in the sky.

When the wind blows, the starlight on the beach ripples with the water waves.

Standing behind the starlight, she shouted loudly to him: "Zhijiang, I picked the star for you—"

...well, that counts.

He thought to himself, this is done.She was indeed not smart, but this time, she did something that he didn't expect.

That night when he returned to Yokohama, it rained again, and he had a fantastic dream. He saw a beam of light outside the window, and the black cat stood in that beam of light, casting a silhouette of a young little girl.

He woke up in the middle of the night and opened the curtains.

Of course there is nothing outside the window.

All he saw was the vast night and the vast water.