After the years have passed

Ripples in my heart

only when you pass

will inadvertently burst into waves

If I could have predicted it all at the time, this would be the only picture that can exist between me and him.

I think, I must not be like this.

I think, I will try my best to laugh, and I have to smile beautifully, so beautifully.

……

He went to bed early that night.

The hustle and bustle of the world is blocked by the house without being disturbed.

I stood in the bathroom, watching the foam of the washing machine spinning back and forth in a daze.

It fluctuates round and round, and it goes round and round, just like everyone's daily life, it is the re-enacted yesterday.

Occasional differences are nothing more than meeting new people, but as time goes by, they become old things again.

"So pretty?"

A pair of big hands wrapped around my waist from behind, and his chest was pressed against my back, which was warm and comfortable.

Turning around, he fiddled with the hair on his forehead, looking at him with affection in his eyes.

“Not good looking, just get used to it”

"Accustomed to seeing a pile of foam spinning there?"

"Well, I think it's fun"

Kim Taehyung's eyes jumped over my head, and he also stared at the washing machine.

"Do you feel that there is a kind of magic power? You can watch it for a long time without knowing it"

"It seems to be true"

"Why don't you sleep? Isn't there a schedule tomorrow?"

She tucked her head into his embrace, her ear pressed against his broad chest, greedily sniffing his breath.

"I can't sleep well without you next to me"

"Gold is three years old~"

"Then do you want to sleep together?"

"Let it be washed, or throw it in, and it will be a mess and crumpled in the morning"

"I'm waiting for you"

As he spoke, he hugged me and turned around in circles, rubbed his chin against the top of my head, and hummed a song.

His voice was like a drug to him, once he started, he couldn't quit it anymore, he was already addicted, but he was also willing.

After a long time, the machine stopped turning, and I burst into tears.

"Taehyung..."

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Kim Taehyung was a little flustered, and grabbed his cuffs to wipe away my tears. "Why do you cry so much? Sometimes you even cry out of nowhere."

Seeing the love and bewilderment in his eyes, as well as the slight frown, his mood became even more sad.

Kim Taehyung, do you know?The better you treat me, the more empty I will be.

I'm so scared, I'm afraid that after three years, without you, what will I do?

This kind of unspoken sorrow, I have no way to talk about it, and I can't say it...

"Who asked you to sing this song? It's clear that you made me cry on purpose."

"Really just because of the song?"

"Otherwise? So stop singing this song in the future, and change to a cheerful one, so I won't cry."

"Nu Na is only two years old, I'm afraid you will be proud if you are given one more year"

I giggled, stood on tiptoe, kissed the tip of his nose, and ran away.

"You dry your clothes, I'll hide under the covers~ hee hee"

By the time he lay down next to me, I had already fallen asleep.

But I can still vaguely feel his lowered lips, delicate and soft.

……

winter morning.

I was woken up by the doorbell, the impatience on my face was obvious.

Slowly stood up, then walked slowly to the door, unconsciously glanced at the cat's eyes.

But just this one glance made me tremble all over, my pupils dilated, and I covered my mouth, not daring to make any more movements.

Why would he know the address here?

This inborn fear is like a fully drawn bowstring, trembling non-stop.

A ringtone that is faster than one rings in the ear, like the sound of a ghost.

"Xiaosi, I know you're here, I'm dad, open the door!"

His head was shaking like a rattle, he stood still and didn't dare to let out his breath, panicked like a chilling cicada, and lost his voice.

"Xiao Si, last time it was Dad who was wrong. Dad was confused. Dad beat you because he was drinking. Don't blame Dad, okay?"

The room was still silent, and the old voice became more kind through the door.

"Xiao Si, please open the door for Dad first, let Dad take a good look at you, it has been 20 years, my girl must have grown up, she must be very beautiful, right? She must be like Mom..."

The mouth that was tightly covered by the hand tasted a sour taste, and the teardrops that kept falling from the eye sockets covered the whole face.

"Is your mother doing well?"

"At least you're much better than that!" His chest heaved with strength, and his sharp tone pierced through the door, hitting the person opposite him directly.

"……That's good"

"It's really good, it's really good! Heh...how? When you left my mother, weren't you very righteous? Why are you caring now?"

"... Dad is guilty, Dad is wrong, but you know, grandparents have always wanted a grandson, and dad doesn't want to, either..."

The father's suppressed voice revealed a little loneliness, like the dead leaves falling in winter, leaving only the backbone and trembling.

"You, you actually have a younger brother, it's just a pity, it's a pity that he died too early, too early..."

It was obviously a mournful cry, but it was gnashing its teeth with hatred and unwillingness, and sizzling.

I opened the door and looked down at my father who was kneeling on the ground. I couldn't tell what it was like, but I felt that the tearful middle-aged man in front of me had long since lost his majesty, like a homeless man in a poverty-stricken area who had lost everything. home.

……

He made a cup of hot tea and put it in front of his father.

He had just taken a hot bath, his hair was still dripping with water, and wearing Taehyung's clothes, he didn't look funny, on the contrary, he looked appropriate and looked much more energetic.

"You remember my preferences"

"Tea mother also likes to drink"

Father took a sip, and the brows were relieved, but the scars and bruises at the corners of his mouth made his face a bit hideous.

"My mother said that tea can improve eyesight. If you miss someone once, you don't want to make mistakes again"

The father's hand paused for a moment, his expression was clear, with a bit of vicissitudes, "Xiaosi, do you know you have a younger brother?"

"I heard from my mother"

"He left five years ago"

"That's your child with another woman. I've never seen it. Even if it's related to me by blood, I can't feel any affection for it."

"Yes, he is just a stranger to you"

"You can find here, shouldn't you just chat with me about the past?"

Walking into the bedroom, he took out a passport and stuffed it into his pocket.

"I don't have much savings. There are 2000 million won in it. The password is my birthday. I should drink less alcohol in the future. It's not a good thing."

The mood in the father's eyes was a little unpredictable.

I didn't bother to guess, so I took some old clothes from Taehyung's closet, packed them together and put them beside him.

"Rent a decent house, find something to do, even if you are alone, you still have to live like a human being. I don't think he wants to see his father live so poorly in heaven, right? You have personally Crushed a girl's childhood, at least give him a good impression"

There seemed to be something hidden in my father's eyes when he looked at me, but he couldn't find it. He couldn't tell whether it was sadness or joy, but he just stared at me for a long, long time...

Everyone who is born wants to survive, more or less, there will be sins to be redeemed, irreversible pasts, and unforgivable knots.

I don't know if I can let go, don't care about it, don't go back.

But, at least for this moment, he is still my father, and I still want to be a good daughter.

After he left, the room seemed to brighten up suddenly, and it felt like the person who had just arrived had a dim light, with a dark breath, and an inexplicable depression and sadness.

My father's sudden visit still made my heart a little sad.

I made myself a cup of coffee and leaned against the window.

The scenery downstairs is still the same, every passing car, every passing person is the same as usual, familiar and unfamiliar.

In fact, I seldom drink coffee, so I don't like it or hate it.

Kim Taehyung once said that cigarettes and coffee are the farthest from him, and coffee smells like rags.

When I first heard it, I thought it was quite funny. It turns out that the unpleasant taste can also be compared with something that is often used.

I always feel that there is some contradiction, but it is just right.

In the evening, Kim Taehyung called and told me that I might be late because I had to pick up someone, an old friend, and said that he would let me get to know him if he had the chance.

I originally planned to wait for him, but I fell asleep on the sofa without knowing it. He did come back very late that night, and he picked me up and walked to the bedroom when it was almost dawn.

I didn't ask him much after waking up, but waited obediently until he told me and introduced that old friend.

It's just that I was still full of expectations at the time, hoping to leave a good impression in the eyes of his friends, because this was my first step into his past.

That's right, I want to get closer to him, and want to know all about his past, his childhood stories, his fun growing up, and the youthfulness of his school days.

There must have been a girl I liked, right?Also be regarded as the object of crush, right?What is it like to be criticized by the teacher?What does it look like if you fail the exam?

Playing around between classes, showing off skills on the court, winning the championship in the sports meeting, and the time of youth, I want to know them one by one.

Since I can't accompany him until he leaves, and I can't participate in his past, then at least let me know, know him a little more, and a little more, I can still have a story aftertaste in the days without him.

……

January 2017, 1, New Year's Eve

I bid farewell to Kim Taehyung, went back to China, and went to my hometown to visit my mother.

Walking along the path of my hometown, holding my mother's arm, walking through the park with crimson maple leaves, cheerful and peaceful.

Mother has always been a soft woman who knows warmth and likes to do trivial things.

It's just a little less interesting, and I don't understand all kinds of charms, so in the eyes of most men, they will get bored after getting along for a long time.

But for me, it's more that they don't deserve it.

I don't deserve to have such a poetic and picturesque woman.

……

The world is decorated with lanterns and festoons, but here it is quiet at night.

After eating the dumplings made by my mother, taking a bath in a wooden barrel, I was very comfortable lying on the bamboo chair.

There was a thick blanket under it, and she was wearing a sweater knitted by her mother herself, with a happy face like peach blossoms.

Perhaps this is the state of mind of a wanderer, the return to the root can only be felt by living in the arms of the mother forever.

That is the real return home.

During the three days spent with my mother, every night I fell asleep peacefully, peacefully and without waves.

It seems that all people and things, disturbances and struggles have never invaded me.

When I was still a child, I could laugh heartlessly and live unscrupulously.