Dumb

and defense.

He was leaning against the electric pole at the entrance of the alley, his disheveled hair and chin covered with blue stubble gave off a haggard look.

"That man must be Wu Shixun." He approached me with a hoarse voice.

I raised my chin to meet his expressionless face, but I was not afraid of provoking him, and said righteously: "You are allowed to sleep with other women, and I am not allowed to find a new love?"

His clenched fists gradually loosened, and his eyes dimmed bit by bit.

"Didn't someone say that the ones that were delivered to me could not be given to another person? Thanks to me, I believed it to be true. It seems that all of this is my own sentimentality."

My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn't calm down for a long time.Looking at his back that was drifting away, a soreness suddenly surged in my heart, as if there was an inexplicable emotion in my heart.

Luhan, my Luhan, he became thinner.

When I followed Lu Han's footsteps and opened the door, I was amazed by everything in front of me.There are beer bottles all over the floor, clothes thrown everywhere, fast food bowls piled up in the kitchen, and the smell of cigarettes that can't go away for a long time.

This, is his life these days?

I vaguely felt a pair of hands wrapped around my waist, hugging me from behind.Luhan rested his chin on my shoulder, and I heard his pleading words:

"Do you know that I've been looking for you these days."

"I called Lin Xizhi, and he said that you were not with her, but I didn't believe it. I thought she was lying to me, so I called her over and over again. Later, she had no choice but to go find you with me."

"I also asked a lot of your high school classmates, and they all said that they had never seen you. I also went to the bar you used to go to. The boss said that you went there the night you left, and then disappeared. I also went to the bar we used to Street stalls, playgrounds, rooftops. I even found your house, but your dad kicked it out..."

"Do you know, I really miss you."

"Amo, please forgive me this time, okay. Without you, nothing is right for me, really nothing is better..."

……

I really want to cry.

I really really want to cry.

Maybe, my Luhan still loves me, he still needs me.

But there seems to be another force breaking out of my heart, which is what Wu Shixun said to me just before he left:

"A man like Lu Han is best at cheating girls with sweet words in his life. Amo, you have already been cheated by him once. I don't want you to be cheated by him a second time. You have to think carefully about it." Clear!"

Yes, maybe he will find another woman to come back in a few days to show me his affection, so what should I do?

I broke free from his warm embrace, kicked away the beer bottles on the ground, and walked straight to the bedroom alone.

It was that scene again, that scene of two naked people wrestling on the bed.I shook my head in disgust, trying to clear the filth from my mind.I took out the suitcase from the closet, threw it on the bed, went to the closet and took out the clothes, folded them one by one.

"Are you really going?"

Lu Han leaned lazily by the door, his shirt unbuttoned a few times.He reached out and took out a cigarette from his trouser pocket, and the smoke he exhaled filled the room, making him look very haggard.

I glanced at him and said, "Don't smoke in the future, it will hurt your health."

After 15 minutes, I lifted the suitcase from the bed and put it on the ground. I pulled up the pole of the suitcase, and the friction between the rollers and the floor made a gurgling sound.

"Are you really leaving?" He repeated the question again.

"Otherwise? Do you still want me to watch you and other women have sex under my nose."

He pursed his lips, a little reluctantly.In the end, it was I who knocked through the door he had come out of.

"Gu Senmo, don't regret it if you leave!"

My steps paused.

I have no regrets, the only thing I regret is falling in love with you.

【Pick up】

The night before I left Beijing, I refused Wu Shixun's company and went to the street alone.Thinking about leaving this city where I have lived for more than ten years, I still feel a little bit reluctant.

When passing by the KFC store in the east of the city, my stomach growled unbelievably.I had to push the door open to appease my stomach and make it quieter.

I remember that the last time I ate here was my birthday, Lu Han invited me as a guest.

I picked a seat by the window, and in front of me was a seemingly rich snack.I picked up the hamburger and ate it on my own. There were hearty laughter from the back table from time to time, which annoyed me very much.It was a couple of seventeen or eighteen years old, and they were so tired of eating a chicken leg.

Today's young people, alas.

For a while, the fleeting images of the past suddenly flickered in front of my eyes.

Before I knew it, it had been two years.

"Fool, look at what you ate, it's all over your mouth." Lu Han took out a tissue and wiped the residue around my mouth, I smiled cheerfully at him, and handed out the chicken leg in my hand: "Do you want it?"

He opened his mouth wide, and just about to bite down, I pulled the chicken leg away from him.

"I won't give it to you." I made a face at him.

"Then I still want to eat it!" He said, reaching out to snatch it.

……

My eye sockets are moist again.He took out a tissue, wiped his tears hypocritically, and turned his face away from the side of the road.

Beijing is a bustling city, whether it is day or night, it is a lively and lively scene.That's why I love this city, because that way, you'll never feel alone, even if you're alone.

The LED light sign of Nirvana on the opposite side of the road is shining brightly and changing colors.

I think of Kim Jong In, and of us that day.

He said he was my breath.

I am the oxygen of his life.

Pushing open the door, it was the scene of that day again.The ceiling is still dimly lit with warm orange light, and the layout of the room and the placement of tattoo tools are still the same as they were a few years ago.

"What pattern do you want to engrave?"

"Well, you tattoo her a deer."

……

"Miss, what pattern do you want to tattoo? Miss, miss!" Jin Zhongren stretched out his hand and waved it in front of my eyes, and I broke free from the prison of memories.

I gave him a friendly smile and said, "I don't have tattoos, I want to... get my tattoos removed."

Immediately afterwards, I slowly tore off the clothes on my shoulders, exposing my bare back shoulders, and then pointed to the deer pattern on it.

"Wash him off for me, thank you."

……

Suddenly, I feel that this world is so absurd. Why do I have memories of him and me everywhere we go: I walked hand in hand with him on this street; I laughed and ate with him...

Many times, we say let go, but we don't really let go. We just pretend to be healed and happy.

Some people say that time is a good medicine, even if it is a year, three years, or longer, there will be a result one day.

But for me, time is a kind of tempering, the longer the time, the more painful the heart.

Luhan, every time I miss you, I realize that the whole world is you.

☆【15-16】

【Xiwu】

At the end of December, Wu Shixun booked two plane tickets from Beijing to Shanghai, ready to take me away, I sat in the waiting room of the airport and waited.The phone vibrated restlessly in his pocket, and there was a text message on it:

Wait for me, don't go.

FROM: Luhan

2009:12

I stared at the screen for a long time, a warm current surged in my heart, and I suddenly began to hope that he would come.

A familiar female voice sounded next to my ear: "Passengers flying from Beijing to Shanghai, please pay attention, your flight is about to take off, please go to the boarding gate and board the plane."

"Amo, let's go." Wu Shixun took my hand and prepared to take me away, but my feet were frozen in place and refused to move for a long time.

I know that I am waiting for someone.

Wu Shixun turned to look at me in surprise, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I..." I hesitated and couldn't explain why, but my eyes kept on looking at the entrance of the airport hall.

Luhan, come quickly.

If you don't come again, I will really leave.

I couldn't wait for him to come, so I left Beijing without saying a word.

I cut off contact with everyone, including Lin Xizhi, including Luhan.

I want to start over in Shanghai and live again.

This is the first time in 20 years that I have left Beijing to travel abroad. In this strange and unknown city, I have no one to rely on except Wu Shixun.

【Pick up land】

Time slips by between fingers bit by bit.

I ran into Yu Zian by chance during a shopping mall.And at this time, I was already alone.Don't ask why, I can only tell you that all of this is my own choice, and I can't forget that person, so I can't use my own selfishness to harm another person.

Besides, I owe Sehun Oh enough already.

He should have a better life that belongs to him, and I can't be too selfish.

Pushing the shopping cart, Yu Zian waved at me not far away, and called my name in a tone like that of an old friend who hasn't sewed for a long time.

I chatted with her all the way from the supermarket to the coffee shop, and finally found a seat by the window and sat down.

She ordered a latte and I ordered a cappuccino.

I haven't seen her in ten years, and she has long since faded away from her high school hostility, replaced by the mature and gentle intellectual beauty of contemporary women.

I have imagined the scene of meeting her again countless times. I always thought that a young lady like her with a prominent family background and a proud personality would meet a vile and shameless third party like me.