[Comprehensive] Akashi Haruo of a certain science

Chapter 40

At the age of 20, I witnessed her death and was powerless to do anything.

This kind of me, this kind of me who can't do anything, this kind of me who can only watch my predecessors die, this kind of useless me who exists like a waste, this kind of me who is left alone... Really...

— Unforgivable! ! ! ! ! ! !

So I personally cut off the arteries in my wrists. The cold blade penetrated into the skin and was soon buried by warm blood and mixed with the tank full of hot water.As the blood flowed, the tingling pain was gradually replaced by a sense of trance and sweet happiness. When I thought of reuniting with my senior in another place immediately, I happily squinted my eyes, and then...

I really saw the seniors again.

Not in another place.But here, in front of my eyes [at this moment].

It's not casual clothes or formal clothes, she is wearing [my] shirt, loosely showing a large part of her white neck, which is immediately covered by the red hair hanging down, her sleeves are rolled up to the joints, and her white fingers are sticking out Sharp tugged at the hem of his shirt.The senior is about a head shorter than me, and the lower edge of the shirt just covers a quarter of her thighs, but the slightly brighter color still fully exposes her covered * parts.

She is so cute and I love her so much.

I called her name with the gentlest voice, but my mouth was as dry as a dead tree, "Qing...what..."

Correct.

It's not senior, it's Qingshi.

My lover, no no no, it's my [lover], her name is [Akashi Haruji].

Facing my deep feeling, she just responded coldly, and then slowly approached me with those legs that I licked countless times from top to bottom and tightly encircled me, looking down at me .

I love her.

Whether she pushed me away tiredly and said "I'm so tired", or carelessly plucked my hair and thought about other things, or let me bury my head in her chest and act like a spoiled child...even just watching quietly like that with me.

I'd be so excited.

Yes, every movement of Senior's quilt makes me [react].

I really am a [pervert].

But, who let... I love her so deeply.Haha, there is nothing I can do about it.

Her eyes of very different colors glanced at my hand in the bathtub, her gaze suddenly became cold, and at the same time she took my hand out of there.

"wanna die?"

I used my remaining strength to tear her off along her arm, and let her sit between my legs. The long-lost skin-to-skin contact made such a [perverted] me a little distracted.But that warm and soft touch made me want to cry with happiness.

It's no longer a fantasy in a dream, the senior at this moment really loves me in front of me.

Are you hallucinating because you're about to die?

But now I can't think about it that much, so I can only smile and nod to her, "Yes. This way we can be together, so I won't——I will definitely leave senior alone!"

"I want to be with senior, no matter what time... I want to be with senior."

Trembling, I reached out to touch the back of my senior's hand, she easily turned her head away, and in the next second her five fingers slapped my cheek.

"Senior, are you angry?"

I was slightly stunned, but my first reaction was to look at her hand—even in this trance state, I could still feel the pain from that slap, senior used a lot of strength .

Senpai used a lot of energy = Senpai is angry with me = Senpai cares about me = I feel happy from the bottom of my heart.

But even then... it will hurt.

Maybe it's because I'm so close to death, or maybe it's the psychedelic bliss that gets me carried away.At this moment, I gradually no longer feel the pain, and I can't even feel the feeling of powerlessness.

I easily caught her hand and opened it carefully.

Sure enough, there were red marks on the white palms, and it was rare for me to pull his hand forcefully, and sighed at those places, "Even if senior is angry, you can't do this kind of thing that hurts you~ I will feel bad Woolen cloth."

While speaking, she put her hand on my cheek.

"I know that I like senior to such an extent that I can't help myself, but I still do this kind of thing... Nah~ Senior is doing it on purpose, and senior also wants to be loved. That's too despicable, senior."

Actually, I know all about it.

Senior didn't do it on purpose, and she didn't want to attract my attention or affection.

Senior, she looks like this.

I have always accepted the admiration and kneeling of all these people, and I am one of them.It's me, I've always wanted to be watched, cared for, and loved by such a superior senior...

So every day I have to play a lot of coquettishness, say a lot of sweet words, and do a lot of intimate things...

So that seniors can look at me more, as long as they look at me more.

It must be ridiculous and unbelievable to say it.

I am already a senior's boyfriend and a popular model, and I already have countless admirers and admirers, but in front of my seniors, I behave like a young boy.

That's because you don't know your seniors well.

Senior is so outstanding, unparalleled, extremely beautiful, incomparable...he should be worshiped as a [god].

I’m also very grateful that you don’t even know about seniors, it’s amazing for you to see them, and you’ll definitely be as good as me...so such a godlike senior belongs to me—that’s great.

No no no, what am I talking about.

Obviously... I belong to the senior.

I long for her to look at me, long for her to hug me, long for her to kiss me, long for her to possess me and become one with me...

I am a senior.

So after the senior is dead, how can I survive alone in this [no senior] world?

That would be too much.

I'm not just Senior's lover, I'm also her guardian, her... a [dog].

But the senior didn't answer me this time, so I could only obediently rub her hand with Lian, kissed her softly with my lips, raised my head, and said softly again, "Okay, don't be angry, senior. It's my fault, it's my fault."

I think my eyes are filled with soft light at this moment.

Whether it's my fault or not in this relationship, I'm always the first to give in.

I love her so much that I have no principles, no matter what, I can't allow seniors to have the slightest chance to "throw me away together", and... such an excellent senior is "absolutely" in itself! !

But this time she didn't reconcile with me. Instead, she pulled her hand away from my palm with cold eyes. I was afraid that she would be angry and never dared to hold it with all my strength. This also gave her an opportunity.

Then, she suddenly squeezed my chin hard, forcing me to look at her.

"Answer me—you want to die, don't you, Ryota?"

Knowing that she was serious, I seriously shook my head.

Then, with the other hand, she squeezed my wrist that was still bleeding, "Well, how do you explain it? I saw you committing suicide."

"I don't want to die at all, really." I smiled at her, and quickly buried my head in her neck, "Senior, you know, I have always been afraid of pain, how could I choose to commit suicide like this What about death? How is that possible?"

"Obviously we made an appointment to spend the rest of our lives, but why——in the end, senior ran away despicably by himself?!"

"Do you... hate me? Are you tired of me?"

"In this case, you can tell me earlier, it doesn't matter if I'm not with senior, it doesn't matter if I'm alone, it doesn't matter... For me, it doesn't matter what senior does to me."

"I absolutely, absolutely will not let Senior [die]!"

"But why in the end... Senior left me alone [to go]?"

"Hey, senpai, you definitely don't know. I don't feel that [I am] alive when I don't have senpai, so... It doesn't matter if my [heart] is dead, it doesn't matter if [body] dies." Bar?"

"Because I'm already dead~"

"No, don't leave me alone, senior..."

The warm and humid touch gradually smudges from the eyes to the whole face. My current appearance must be ugly.But what is different from usual is that the senior's hand has not been placed on top of my head for a long time, on the contrary...

She pushed my head away without hesitation and stood up from me. I panicked and took her hand, trying to keep her, but she pushed her away indifferently.

"You have too many excuses."

She backed away while talking, I didn't care about anything, I got up and wanted to hug her, but her fair body gradually turned into a transparent color under my fingertips, but the cold condemnation on that face was not in the slightest fade.

"I don't want to see you until you reflect, Ryota."

"I mean—even if you die by suicide, you'll never see me."

"You can try it."

After leaving these words, she walked away through my locked bathroom door with the little bit of transparent body left.

Naturally, I followed it closely, but the aftermath of massive blood loss finally came, and I lost all strength as soon as I opened the door, and the transparent figure finally shattered like a bubble, disappearing into the vast air together with countless dust.

"don't want……"

When I regained consciousness, my eyes were filled with dazzling white, and the respirator covering my face clearly reminded me that this is a hospital.

I failed to commit suicide and was rescued.

I wanted to follow my senior but failed, and the words of refusal remained in my mind...

——I am such a failed and useless man.

When I saw my relatives smiling at me with tears all over their faces, I realized this very clearly again.

——I, Kise Ryota, am such a failed and useless man.

——But it’s just me, the man who disappointed his lover and family, who can’t die now, stubbornly living in this world, like a maggot, like God’s punishment.

The words that the senior said when he left are always engraved in my mind, so that I can't forget and fall asleep even in the middle of the night.With such a knot in the heart, even after receiving the best medical treatment, the body stops and cannot heal.

I used to be more advanced in thinking, and also more fearful in the past.

Scenes of pictures that I used to be with my seniors appeared in front of my eyes - the first meeting, the first confession, the first holding hands, the first hug, the first kiss, the first cohabitation, the first experience .

Likewise, every word she said was still ringing in my ears.

"Do you really like me so much that you want to cry? Come on, hurry up."

"No. Hugs and kisses must be given to you by me, and the dominance must be on my side."

"I'm disappointed. I'm not jealous or angry, but if...you test me [in this way] to see if I care about you, I don't mind throwing you away for a more obedient [dog]. Haichang Student Council Long [dog], this position is not unapplied."

"It's just being photographed, I don't care. Or, do you think our relationship is so shameful?"

"Don't wear that thing. Why?—I don't like it. It shouldn't matter the first time, and I'm still in the safe period. As long as I get it outside, there won't be any problems."

Various pictures belonging to the seniors, various words belonging to the seniors, various actions belonging to the seniors, various expressions belonging to the seniors...

However, the picture in my mind was finally fixed at a certain noon in the president's office.

At that time, I also put my head on her neck coquettishly and lazily rubbed it to curry favor with her.

I said early on that the senior is a unique existence separated from the vast crowd.Therefore, she who is like this, who is satisfied with everything, should live a perfect life.

But when she heard me mention those two words, she smiled with unknown meaning.

"Satisfy?"

I remember that she repeated these two words in a very soft voice.

When I looked up, she had already bowed her head and lowered her head to pick my hair. I liked her gentle combing of my hair, and was immediately distracted by her.

"I was never satisfied."

I naturally raised doubts, but she suddenly raised her head to meet my gaze.

“If everything can be fulfilled without taking it seriously, if everyone can feel [satisfaction] so easily, then what is the point of us being [people] in this world? Because everything is [ Satisfied], people gradually become lazy and loose, and finally even lose the ability to work, such a living [person]...has lost the qualification to be a [person].”

"So I'm never [satisfied], only then can I climb higher."

After she finished speaking, the color suddenly softened, and she leaned down to my lips and kissed me lightly.

"So... Ryota who is standing next to me must work harder. Hmm - only in this way can you be worthy of me."

"If you can't keep up, there's nothing you can do. I'll make everyone agree--turn you into the person who can stand by my side."

How did you answer it?

At that time, I was distracted by that kiss, I said perfunctory and encouraging words in my mouth, but without saying a word, I hooked the senior's rebellion and kissed deeply, indulging in that softness.

—What stupidity!

So senior, have you always meant this?

The me who can't live without my senpai, the me who makes everyone worry... I'm really--too useless! ! ! ! !

I remembered.

It wasn't her original intention for senior to leave me and this world.

She clearly wants to live in this world better than anyone else, to stand in the highest position and take care of everything for the people she cherishes.

And now I... as a senior's lover, I actually committed suicide like this to escape everything.

It's useless, it will definitely be rejected.

Because even if I committed suicide like this and went to look for seniors, I would definitely be cast aside by seniors. I am absolutely not qualified to stand beside seniors who choose to avoid suicide like this, and I am definitely not worthy of such seniors.

I wasn't abandoned, I was just left behind to do what my seniors wanted me to do.

The me before... was too much and too stupid.

So next...

When my sister came to see me again, I smiled brightly at her eyes that were red and swollen from crying. Facing her nervous expression with a little joy, I spoke slowly.

"I'm so sorry for causing so many people to worry about me during this time."

"I'm not going to kill myself anymore."

"But I still hope that my sister can help me quit the modeling job. I don't want to be a model anymore."

"Then what do you want...to do?" Her voice trembled.

Senior is dead, but I am still alive, living in this world without seniors.

and so……

"I want to finish all the things that the senior didn't finish before he left, no, no—it should be to accept the life of the senior." I hooked the corners of my lips upwards, "I... have become a senior."

Not to become a good person like seniors, but to become seniors.

I, Ryota Kise, will continue to live in this world instead of my lover, Haruji Akashi, and I will do everything she wants, protect... for her!

In the name of love.

With a repentant heart.

Take the soul of the survivor.

In the body of the walking dead.

Take an oath as if serving the gods.

I have an innate ability to imitate, so it is not difficult to imitate the seniors who get along day and night.

In the winter of my fourth year as a senpai, I met a man——

Very outstanding appearance, but under Guizi's left eye, there is a three-sided inverted crown of the same color. He walked to five meters in front of the predecessor's grave and stopped, held up an umbrella in the drizzle, squinted his eyes and looked at me with a smile .

"Is life and death separated? It's so pitiful."

"Go away." I said coldly, and instinctively drove him away.

"Don't be so excited~" He took out something from his pocket, threw it up and swallowed it, and said, "I'm going to find someone to do a simulation experiment now, and I feel that you meet my requirements..."

I immediately interrupted him, "I'm not..." interested.

"It's through time and space. Although you can't go back to the past, maybe in another time and space... your lover is still alive~—even if that's the case, don't you want to hear about it?"

I don't know how long it took, but he didn't rush.I knelt down on the wet ground, stretched out my fingertips to caress the black-and-white photos on the tombstone, forcibly suppressed the excitement in my whole body, and replied with an extremely light voice that seemed to shatter the dream if it was a little heavier, "You I mean... I can still see [her], don't I?"

"Hmm~"

"I want to see her." I took a deep breath, "I want to see her. You can ask for any price, and it doesn't even matter if you ask me to do illegal and criminal things-no matter how much the price is, I want to...see you to her."

"Don't be so excited~ But it's still...a deal."

That man showed an extremely sweet and incongruous smile, the appearance of [myself] that I was most familiar with in the past.

But even so so what?

Going crazy!

My... longing for my [heart] wanting to meet my senior.