[Net King] Take away my heart

To good news:

The last letter was not sent.

After much deliberation, some of my wording is still too strong, which may make you quite uncomfortable, so I decided not to send it out for the time being.

In fact, since I came here, I seldom write anything.Not to mention writing poetry, even if I hide in my room and secretly write you a letter, I can still hear the quarrels coming from downstairs.

My parents are always like this, thinking that they will change after they leave Japan and come to a new environment, but instead of getting better, they become more and more noisy all day long.

"I'm so bored, I really want to run away from home" - I had this kind of thought when I was in Japan, but now I'm so numb that I don't even bother to cover my ears.Let them quarrel, anyway, the final result of the quarrel is still their own business, my dad ran out to drink, and my mother ran to a friend to cry.Once they were both out of the house, I was able to be more peaceful, no one quarreled, and no one bothered me to write letters.

You know I've always wanted to be a model, right?When I came here, I also told my parents this idea.If possible, I hope to go to a model training school as soon as possible. Youth is capital, isn't it?At my current age, it is a golden age to step into this circle. Time should not be wasted on those boring books, but should be used early on the road to my dream.

After listening to my ideas, my parents had completely different opinions.My dad firmly opposed me going to a modeling school. He said that I was doing nothing but thinking about things when I was young, and my mother said that it was okay to let me try. As a result, the two had a big fight.

In the end, my dad won out with his financial position in the family, and instead of going to a modeling school, I followed my dad's instructions and went to a nearby girls' mission school.

I've never had anything to fear and I don't hate dealing with people, so I thought going to this oppressive school wouldn't change much, but I was wrong.

Good news, the feeling of losing my freedom and being firmly bound often takes my breath away.

You can't say what you want to say, you can't do what you want to do, and all your actions are not understood in the eyes of others. You try to integrate into it, but find that you can't do it anyway.

You just walked to school when your steps started to get heavy.Looking at the teaching buildings, you suddenly feel that you are trapped in a cage, you are being pressed down by an invisible thing, and then fear surges into your heart.

So I gave up, being alone wasn't a big deal to me, just avoid that *old* school, and avoid those disgusting classmates and teachers.

I started skipping classes, slipped to the modeling school alone, and quietly lay by the window to watch them in class.

Although I can't teach in the classroom like them, I will take a notebook and write down everything they teach.What kind of posture to walk, how straight my back should be, and how to put on my face, I will write it all down and practice it when I go home.

This kind of life didn't last long, and the teacher at the school called my parents over.I once again showed them my determination and attitude to become a model, but what I got in the end was still a quarrel between them and no change in the result.

Looking back now, the days when I was with you in Lihai were very carefree.That guy Sanada is annoying, but compared to my parents' quarrel skills, he and I can only be regarded as pediatrics.

Jiayin, do you know why I named the poetry society "Dead Poets Society"?It's not just for the purpose of having an unusual name to attract attention, but because of the movie.

In 1989, Robin Williams led Ethan Hawke's students in a film called Dead Poets Society.That movie left a deep impression on me, or it can be said that it is because of that movie that I am what I am today.

I adore Mouth Girl, I think Mouth Girl is the Robin Williams of Dead Poets Society to me.I never thought that one day I would meet a teacher like Big Mouth Girl in real life. She inspires us and trains us. She makes me more sure of my goals and directions in life.Therefore, even when I left, my confidence and hope were completely beyond helplessness and reluctance. At that time, I was not in pain, because I knew that I could fly higher and see farther.

America is a distant and longing dream.

When the notice of Dad's transfer came down, our whole family breathed a sigh of relief, as if we saw a glimmer of life in despair.

Since I was in elementary school, my father's work has not been smooth.He was transferred between various divisions of the company, and was kicked here and there by his boss like a burden. The huge pressure made him have a bad temper, and he developed a bad habit of smoking and drinking without knowing it.Because this mother quarreled with him many times, he restrained himself a bit at first, but he would reveal his true colors soon afterwards.

My parents are both highly educated people. They have similar family backgrounds and similar educational backgrounds. They got married immediately after the blind date.At that time, they probably felt that the other party was very suitable for them. They were a good match in birth, education, and personality. So even if they didn't have much emotional foundation, they got married under the circumstances that they took it for granted that they met the conditions.

Probably because of their higher education, both of them have very strong self-esteem, strive for perfection in everything, and value face more than anything else.My parents seem to have an illusion, always thinking that they should not be worse than others, and that what others can do, they should also be able to do, and they should do better.But the facts are often not satisfactory. Whenever they start to question anxiously, why is this happening?Why does everything deviate from what I expected?Why can't we do what we can do?

Constantly comparing yourself with others, constantly measuring yourself with strange standards, and constantly creating a bigger and bigger gap.This is the whole picture of our family's misfortune.

Although I don't want to admit it, I'm probably one of the failures in my parents' life.Let’s take the modeling school as an example. My dad hopes that I will study hard like them and go to a famous school. Hope I can add a little glory to this lackluster home.In the final analysis, the personalities and tempers of these two people are still very similar. What they care about is not me, but what I can bring to them.

The father whose career was not going well in Japan finally got the opportunity to be transferred overseas, and the location was the United States that everyone dreamed of.I think my parents have been longing to leave this embarrassing place for a long time. Going to the United States sounds more like getting a promotion. I don’t know if this is the case, but it is undoubtedly a great opportunity for my parents. A perfect opportunity that doesn't require even the slightest hesitation.

In this way, we came to this legendary country full of gold.Wearing a disguise that makes others envious, he actually fled from Japan to the United States as if he had escaped.

Good news, I used to think that the United States, as everyone said, was full of freedom, full of hope, full of rich imagination and vigorous spirit.I was not forced to come here by my parents. I even have the same expectations as them. I can pursue my dreams, pursue my own life, and start a new journey in this land that everyone longs for.

However, it was only then that I realized that what was flowing in my bones was the same shallow and ignorant blood as my parents.

No freedom, no hope, no future in sight... The story of Dead Poets Society only exists in movies, but you are in another country thousands of miles away from me.

By the time I finished writing this letter, the house had completely quieted down.

Quietness should be a good thing for me, but at this moment, the pen in my hand is trembling uncontrollably.

Just like when I was looking at the row after row of old school buildings in that missionary school, the feeling of suffocation crawled into my heart like ants.

I really want to escape, I really want to escape, but where can I escape to?This is my home, the place I can never leave.Mom and Dad never told me where they were going when they went out, the only sign they were leaving the house was the loud slamming of the door.

I am transparent, no one can see me.

No one can hear my cries, my roars, my anger and my sorrow.

It's all just a nightmare.